When the answer is "No"... Reflection # 17, 2008

I’ve always been honest with myself. I write the things I feel and I know. I pray about my dreams and my aspirations. I worry about my concerns and my issues. I cry when I’m in pain and hurting.

 

If you will have a chance to read my journal, the notebook I use whenever I talk to God, you’d see a lot of inconsistencies. Sometimes when I pray for something specific, and you see two different entries on two consecutive days, you’d see I’m asking God on two different results for the same concern.

 

That somehow shows how my mind works. I entertain a lot of thoughts. Sometimes I would delve deeper on something that will allow me to reach a certain decision but the following morning, I could just easily discard that thought.

 

Oh yeah, I confuse myself too.

 

However, I am assured that all these inconsistent thoughts and emotions are as clear as crystal to the lover of my soul. I know that when I am being a kid and crying out my concerns to God, He understands me perfectly. He knows exactly what is in my heart and He is ready to give comfort whenever needed and most importantly, I know that He has something planned for me already.

 

It’s just that most often than not, we are either too busy to hear what God has to say or just plain stubborn to follow when we hear his answer to our questions. The complexities of our everyday life overshadow that still voice within us that tells us when to stop and when to go on…

 

When I was in Bohol during my recent trip, I had a chance to experience a serenity I rarely feel in my life. On our last night at Alona Tropical Resort, I couldn’t sleep. I guess my mind was up and running from all the activity during the day. At around 2am I decided to go down the beach and just clear my head.

 

Just imagine it was a little dark and quiet outside our second floor deluxe fan room. But I crept slowly along the hallway and made my way to the stairs at the far side. Thank God for moon light that night and the spot lights around the vicinity of the resort I didn’t stumble as I walked towards the beach. When I reached the clearing, the wind from the sea welcomed we with a chilling air. I shivered and tighten my hold on my sarong and wrapped it around my shoulders as I walk towards one of the benches. I then sat and my sight merely rested on the boats anchored on the sea, watching as it sways softly to the sound of the wind. I could hear the waves as it splashes along the shore.

 

It was a beautiful sight.

 

And I was alone at the beach that night.

 

For a while I just stared with no thoughts floating in my mind. I was just enjoying the feel of the sea. But gradually my thoughts began to shift to that one thing that has been bothering me before that trip. So I closed my eyes and started the monologue in my mind. I was being a kid again, complaining to God, impatiently asking for something that I desperately wanted. But as the moments went by, I began to feel my mind starting to quiet down, the thoughts running in my mind seemed to have stopped in their tracks. And like a sun peering through the clouds on at dawn, God gradually revealed to me then the answer that I have been praying for.

 

It was a No.

 

For the first time in this seemingly unending battle of thoughts and emotions in my mind and my heart, I began to really realize that what I wanted at the moment was not something that God wanted to give to me now. I was frankly surprised that the minute I accepted His “No,” I was rid of most of the pain and agony in my heart. My crying inside stopped and was replaced with a new hope that goes beyond what my little mind and my stubborn heart could have conceived. It was really like as if a heavy burden was lifted off me.

 

So I opened my eyes and looked towards the sky. I just wanted to say Thank You to the lover of my soul for finally giving me an answer. Though it wasn’t what I would have wanted to hear, I am content. At least, I know now where I stand. Now, I know what my actions will be from that moment on. Now, I know it was time to move on.

 

Was I sad? I guess I was. But it wasn’t that big of a feeling then. At least, it didn’t consume me.

When I left the beach that night and headed back to our room, I was just at peace. When I lay my head down on my pillows and closed my eyes to sleep, I was immediately carried off to a dreamless sleep. When I woke up the following morning, I was somehow a new person carrying a different perspective and was able to change my actions and reactions to my previous concern.

 

It’s almost a week now since that moment.

 

And now I realized when you begin to see and acknowledge what God wanted to say, even if it wasn’t the answer that we are hoping and praying for, I realized that He accompanies that decline with a comforting assurance. He doesn’t just say No and leave us to pick up the pieces. He stays and guides and makes sure that if ever we stumble from that moment on, He is readily available at our side to catch us when we fall.

 

It’s almost a week now since that moment.

 

Guess what? I haven’t stumbled yet so far. I mean, I am still content with the answer I got. I stopped praying for that thing I thought I desperately wanted. And what is comforting is that God seemed to have answered my other prayer, to take away the desire in my heart if it wasn’t right. The intensity of the longing in my heart has subsided. I can now wake up in the morning not worrying what I would do if I am subjected to another heart-wrenching encounter within the day. I know I am ready to face anything because I have a deliverer on my side.

“Call upon Me in the day of trouble;

I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me.”

- Psalm 50:15