The Heart of Worship… Reflection #16, 2008

After months of living the life of a prodigal daughter, today marks my coming back to serving the lover of my soul. After months of living in the world, today I officially surrendered my entire life back to my God. After months of being silent from my ministry, today I once again opened my mouth to sing my heart out to the Lord.

Though I’ve attended choir and prompting practices twice or thrice already since my “come back,” the experience of actually joining the prompters and the band at the stage in singing for the Lord during the actual praise and worship at the 3pm Service today is just incomparable.

Due to the Nov 1 holiday the FMM had to cancel the usual practice schedule of Saturday night. Instead we just all met at the band room today at 11am to practice the line up for the day. It was a great set of songs. All are familiar and all songs just magnified the Lord.

But one song just brought me closer to the Lord today. During practice, I couldn’t help but brush a few tears away from my eyes as Kuya Cedie, the worship leader for today, sang the first few lines of the song…

“When the music fades

And all is stripped away

And I simply come

Longing just to bring

Something that’s of worth

That will bless your heart…”

 

I then closed my eyes and remembering what I am going through lately; I just surrendered all my cares unto the Lord and worshiped him with all I’ve got.

 

“I’ll bring you more than a song

For a song in itself

Is not what you have required

You search much deeper within

Through the way things appear

You’re looking into my heart…”

 I know I don’t have a very nice voice. I mean, I guess it’s good enough that Kuya Jomar hasn’t kicked me out of CCF Choir yet and it’s passable that Ate Idonnah has actually entrusted a slot for me in the prompting team for the Tagalog Service. But it is nothing compared to most of the really gifted and blessed people I know that can actually sing magnificently.

Sometimes I get conscious and would think that I am not good enough but then I would remember that I am not singing for the person beside me, not even for our ministry leaders, and most certainly not for the entire congregation. Though it’s my responsibility to do well and not humiliate myself in front of everyone, whenever I step on that stage and position myself in front of a microphone, everyone just fades into background because I am singing only for the lover of my soul. It’s always between us during praise and worship.

That happened today. Since it was my “first time” to prompt again after my long absence, I started the practice singing softly, not wanting to draw attention to myself. However when we got into this song, I let go of all inhibitions and sang with pure abandon. Especially when we got into this part…

“I’m coming back to the heart of worship

And it’s all about You

All about You, Jesus

I’m sorry Lord for the thing I’ve made it

When it’s all about You

It’s all about You, Jesus…”

 It was a humbling experience to be able to sing that song for God and offer a heart ready to worship. It was a fitting song for my “come back.” As you probably know, I’ve been away from this ministry for months. I gradually started coming back to the Lord about two months ago but I did not immediately go back to ministry. It took me that long to actually come back because I wanted to be ready and stripped of all worldliness before I offer myself again to Him. Though I may not be fully cleansed from my sins, I know God’s mercy and grace is already at work in me. This song became a prayer for me today. Indeed, “I’m sorry Lord for the thing I’ve made it when it’s all about you…”

 

I just want to thank God for making me a part of this ministry. And I thank everyone in the ministry for welcoming me back, with no questions asked. During our devotion after the service, I shared my experience with all of them, why I had been away and what the Lord has been teaching me. But I started my testimony with “I just want to say, I am happy to be back.” And honestly, I was. I missed my Saturday night practices, even if I had to ride a cab on my way home at 11 in the evening after practice, even if I had to spend practically my entire Sunday at the church, even if that would mean I will not have one full day at home to rest if I start committing into ministry again, I am happy to be back! Even if it means cutting down on my gimiks. Especially that. I am happy to be back and just honored to be worshiping God through singing again!

 

-- written on November 2, 2008 and posted today, November 3, 2008 via e-mail :)