It's the last day of the year! Most of the people around the world are doing the last glance on what their 2008 has offered. A trip down the memory lane. I might as well join the wagon and do that to.
So this is the year end review of my life.
Before I start, I just want to thank the Lord for another year under his wings. All the things I did, the feelings I felt, the joy I laughed at, the pictures I posed to, the pictures I took, the food I ate, the money I spent, the hugs I received, the tears I cried, the prayers I uttered, the people I loved, the person I want to hate, the words I used to compose a blog, everything... were made possible because of the lover of my soul. Praise and Glory to my God!
Okay, now let us begin... Let's do a list of all the blessings I got this year!
Digital Review:
* In May, I bought a 160GB external hard drive / media player that allows me to watch my movie/drama/anime downloads from a TV.
* In June, I bought a new point and shoot camera (the red fujifilm) to replace my four years old Sony Cybershot.
* In July, my work assigned me another laptop, the Dell latitude to be with my old, hand-me-down IBM laptop.
* In October, my friend gave me my Sony PSP slim.
* In November, my Apple iPhone celebrate its one year anniversary with me clad with metallic pink casing this time to party with my equally metallic pink PSP (hehehe).
* Latest acquisition just in Dec 24... my all-time favorite gadget of the year... My new
baby Canon 1000d SLR (aka Candy.. hehe).
Geographical Review:
New Places I visited:
* Caramoan, Camarines Sur (August)
* CWC, Camarines Sur (August)
* Bohol (November)
* Lago de Oro, Batangas (October)
Places I revisited:
* Boracay (August)
* Chateau Royale, Batangas (December)
* Tagaytay (multiple trips in the fourth quarter of this year)
* Laguna
Hotels and Resorts I stayed at:
* Shangri-La Hotel (Eloisa's birthday)
* Astoria (Karen's birthday)
* Tirona Hotel (Tagaytay, with RFS IT gang)
* Alona Beach Resort (Bohol)
* Shenna's Resort (Boracay)
* Rex Inn (Caramoan)
* CWC Container Vans (Cam-sur)
* Salazar Private Pools (Pansol, Laguna)
Best Coffee Shop:
* Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf at Bonifacio High Street
Social-Life Review:
Friends I had to say goodbye for a while to because they are working elsewhere in the globe:
* Eloisa (Singapore)
* Faye (Singapore)
* Karen (Dubai)
Friends we said welcome back for visiting us this year:
* JayAnn (from Australia)
* Eloisa (from Singapore)
* Vanessa (from Dubai)
* Cathy (from Canada)
* Faye (from Singapore)
* Macky (from Dubai)
New Friends I got close to this year:
* Ayie, Cicelle, Ryan, Carl, B1, Eric, Cyrus, Jinky (new travel-mates... hehehe)
* Verna (kapalit ni Karen... hehehe)
* Twiti (ni Joan... hahaha)
Prayer / Accountability Partners:
* Jheny, Coney, Ate Rona
* Ms My
* Charly
Events and Celebrations:
* Joseph the Dreamer Musical at CCF (March)
* Hillsong United Concert (May)
* Kitchie Nadal free Concert at UCM (May)
* Tommy Walker Concert (May)
* JayAnn-Rancel Wedding (June)
* Cinderella Musical (August)
* BIG 4 Singles Retreat (December)
* CCF Christmas Cantata (December)
* Six Christmas Parties! (December)
* Rhea-Sonny Wedding (December)
New networks I joined in:
* Facebook
* Wordpress
* LinkedIn
Intellectual Review (hehehe):
Books I read (that I still remember):
* I kissed dating goodbye (Joshua Harris)
* Boy Meets Girl (Joshua Harris)
* Not even a Hint (Joshua Harris)
* What to do until love finds you (Michelle McKinney Hammond)
* Joyfully Single (Harold Sala)
* What matters most for women (Devotional)
* Really Bad Girls of the Bible (Liz Curtis Higgs)
* The Power of a Praying Woman (Stormie Omartian)
* When God writes your love story (Eric and Leslie Ludy)
* Twilight (Stephenie Meyer)
* New Moon (Stephenie Meyer)
* Eclipse (Stephenie Meyer)
* Breaking Dawn (Stephenie Meyer)
New things I learned (and re-learned):
* Basic Japanese (continuation from last year)
* Basic Photography (okay, super teeny weeny basic.. haha.. what I got lang from online)
* How to reformat a laptop (hehehe :P)
* How to post in website using html
* Understanding imbeciles (wahahaha)
* How to be an imbecile (bwahahaha)
Things I haven't done before that I did this year:
* Wakeboard (in Camsur and Lago)
* Rock Climbing (in Caramoan)
* Parasailing (in Boracay)
* Paintball (in The Fort :P)
* Get hooked in Photography (like actually taking decent pictures rather than just posing in front of the camera like the previous years)
* Participate in 2K walk for Unicef Fun Run
* Join choir in back up for Tommy Walker (CCF, June)
* Volunteer as transcriber for CCF
* Cruise Manila Bay while watching Pyrolympics and having dinner (May)
* Cut my hair really short! (and cut it every now and then)
* Cut my Citibank credit card (literally)
Other Milestones:
* Promotion in July, transfer to RFS IT
* Moved to a new apartment
Songs consistently on my playlist:
* Thank You - The Katinas
* Sweetly Broken - Jeremy Camp
* I Can Only Imagine - Mercy Me
* I Still Believe - Jeremy Camp
* Who Am I - Casting Crowns
* Indescribable - Chris Tomlin
* Breathe - The Katinas
* Tonight - FM Static
* Code - Nishikido Ryo
Hmmm... have I covered everything? Any other category I might have missed? I'll think some more and will update if I remember something :) Or if you remember something I did, we did, or any milestone for this year, let me know, leave a comment so it can be added here! Hehehe!
But... looking at this current list now... I just have to say... I've been abundantly blessed!
Thank you to all the people I shared these moments with. I couldn't have asked for a better company.
And of course, Thank you Lord for all these!
Please bless us more in 2009!
Tuesday, 30 December 2008
Sunday, 28 December 2008
'But I can't fight with an eclipse'
I just finished book 3 of the Twilight Saga, "Eclipse." I started reading it on the 24th but it was exceptionally hard for me to finish, compared to the previous two books. Though it was really a great story and I think the best of the series so far, there were a lot of moments where I just needed to take a break from reading. I mean even if sleepiness hasn't taken it's toll on me yet, I simply chose to put the book down at times because I can again see myself in the pages, in Jacob's point of view. It became painful sometimes seeing myself, hearing myself and reading myself in Jacob's dialogues in the book.
(Warning for those who hasn't read and will read the Book, stop reading right now...)
The story goes that when Edward left Bella in Book 2, it was Jacob that became her constant companion. They became friends and were inseparable. It was apparent immediately that Jacob will eventually fall for Bella and he did. Now, either Bella was too stupid not to realize that her new "best friend" was in love with her or she simply chose to ignore that and enjoy all the benefits she got from that friendship with Jacob.
In Book 3, Jacob unashamedly admitted to Bella that he was in fact in love with her. Bella insisted that she loves Jacob too, but not in love with him. She does not want to stop seeing Jacob and wants to continue being friends with him even if Edward is back and of course, Edward loves her dearly. In short, she was enjoying the best of both worlds.
When I was reading Book 2, I told my friends I didn't like Jacob for Bella. Of course, I wanted Edward with his cold, stoic and protective presence to be the one who'll be with Bella in the end. And though reading Book 3 made me empathize with Jacob completely, I still think Edward should be with Bella.
Now, here's the thing, as I said I can see myself in Jacob's eyes. If you've been reading my blogs, you've been to my innermost, honest and raw emotions. Now let me tell you the real story behind those feelings.
To put it simply, I became a "Jacob" just recently to a "Bella". (Of course, that Bella is a representation of this guy I met and "Edward" is the representation of his ex) I became too close for comfort with that one guy and slowly I started to give him pieces of myself. We had it going for a while. I thought he was already falling for me too... heck, he actually started to tell me he's already falling for me too. And I believed him. Then I guess this guy's "Edward" came back. Actually I don't think she left at all, she has always been there but looks like my "Bella's" feelings for "Edward" started to come back during the time when I started to fall intensely for him. Heard of the word "rebound?" Yeah, that's merely what I've become to my "Bella.
So it has been painfully hard for me seeing "Bella" treating me just a friend. As if we didn't share anything at all in those few fleeting weeks, even months we did spend. Like Jacob, I didn't mind being there even if "Edward" is back. I was ready and had preconditioned my mind that I am just a friend. And believe me, I tried my hardest to be just that. But to make matters worst, I started to see the changes in "Bella." He stopped caring altogether as if he just pulled out the plug of his so-called "feelings" for me. But he still talks to me, alright. My eyes lit up whenever I'd see a text or chat window opening up with his messages. So eagerly I'd respond and give him what he wants. However, just recently I begin to realize, the only times that he'd initiate a conversation with me is only when he has a question, if there is something that I can give him in return. Where was the friendly conversation between friends where you ask each other of things just to be informed, instead of to be serviced? Without putting up a fight, sometimes I'd initiate a conversation and tell him how my day went... but it was just not the same. Truly, as he candidly told me anyway, I am no longer of interest to him. And I felt that.
I should have stopped talking to him to preserve the little dignity I have left. But no, and indeed like "Bella" this guy would always come to me if there is something he needs that I can help him with. And the imbecile that I am, I always come running even if he'd just wag his finger at me... It seems that I can't say no to whatever he needs... my time... my expertise... everything is his for the taking. He either conveniently forgot that I once confessed of my feelings for him or he chose to ignore and just enjoy the benefits that comes with our friendship.
For a time I didn't mind. Or I chose not to mind. I was thinking it's better to pretend that I am okay as friends than lose him altogether. Like a puppy needing his master's attention and approval, I was just there... whenever I am needed. Though at the back of my mind, there is a conclusion already that he really didn't have the "feelings" for me the way I was led to believe. I believe I have even given up the hope of a future together. But these things you can't just shove under the table and forget in the morning. I still haven't moved on completely.
So reading a few lines in this book made me realize my own stupidity. Here, let me again quote Stephenie Meyer's descriptive writing....
(Jacob talking to Bella)
"No, I don't. You decide, Bella. You can have me the way I am - bad behavior included - or not at all."
I stared at him, frustrated. "That's mean."
"So are you."
That pulled me up short, and I took an involuntary step back. He was right. If I wasn't mean - and greedy, too - I would tell him I didn't want to be friends and walk away. It was wrong to try to keep my friend when that would hurt him. I didn't know what I was doing here, but I was suddenly sure that it wasn't good."
** This scene made me want to scream at my own "Bella" and say keeping me for a friend is hurting me! Why won't you just leave altogether? Don't you know that it is wrong to try to keep a friend when that would hurt her?
(Edward talking to Bella)
"He knew what he was doing."
"Do you think that matters?" I was blinking back tears, and this was easy to hear in my voice. "Do you think I care whether it's fair or whether he was adequately warned? I'm hurting him. Every time I turn around, I'm hurting him again." My voice was getting louder, more hysterical. "I'm a hideous person."
** This one made me wish he'd really turn into a Bella and have same realization she had. Every time he turns around (whatever he does now) is hurting me again.
(Jacob talking to Bella)
"No." Jacob shook his head. "I'm exactly right for you, Bella. It would have been effortless for us - comfortable, easy as breathing. I was the natural path your life would have taken..." He stared into space for a moment, and I waited. "If the world was the way it was supposed to be, if there were no monsters and no magic..."
** And this scene, is what I would envision in my fantasy on what I will tell my Bella. "It would have been effortless for us..."
Reading this book is like reading the outcome of this episode in my life. Bella will try to talk to Jacob and soften the blow of rejection but in the end, Bella and Edward will get married. That leaves Jacob running into the woods, wanting to forget Bella, wishing to forget the memories and hoping to forget himself, who he has become with Bella.
Since the year is coming to an end, I realized, I should do as Jacob did... Sulk a little, cry in anguish some more, but run into the woods and just let go. Somehow I wish my Bella will just vanish. Or at least, stop treating me like a freaking friend because no matter how many times I told myself that I am okay with that set up, I'm simply not! My emotions are as erratic as the heart of someone having a heart attack. I am not a computer that can reformat its hard drive and reboot myself and start with a clean slate. I am a living being who has a heart that feels, a mind that thinks and a pair of eyes that cry.
So to my Bella, if by any stroke of luck you chanced upon this page and is actually reading this blog and has even come to this part, my plea is this: Leave me alone for now and let me suffer in silence. Us being friends will not work out. It's been months that I tried to put up that farce and look at me now, still blogging about these damn feelings. Go where you are happy the most and if that is not with me, then leave me alone. You are just hurting me whenever you act like a good friend. Of course I am appreciative of all that you've done but let's leave it at that as we leave this year behind us. Let me finally pick up the broken pieces of my shattered dream without you hovering like a brother because with every broken piece that I pick up, I drop two whenever you'd come to me. You have to do it. Get away from me. Because I sure can't get away from you. You know you just need to ask and I'd come. So please stop using me.
"He's like a drug for you, Bella." His voice was still gentle, not at all critical. "I see that you can't live without him now. It's too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun."
The corner of my mouth turned up in a wistful half-smile. "I used to think of you that way, you know. Like the sun. My personal sun. You balanced out the clouds nicely for me."
He sighed. "The clouds I can handle. But I can't fight with an eclipse."
(Warning for those who hasn't read and will read the Book, stop reading right now...)
The story goes that when Edward left Bella in Book 2, it was Jacob that became her constant companion. They became friends and were inseparable. It was apparent immediately that Jacob will eventually fall for Bella and he did. Now, either Bella was too stupid not to realize that her new "best friend" was in love with her or she simply chose to ignore that and enjoy all the benefits she got from that friendship with Jacob.
In Book 3, Jacob unashamedly admitted to Bella that he was in fact in love with her. Bella insisted that she loves Jacob too, but not in love with him. She does not want to stop seeing Jacob and wants to continue being friends with him even if Edward is back and of course, Edward loves her dearly. In short, she was enjoying the best of both worlds.
When I was reading Book 2, I told my friends I didn't like Jacob for Bella. Of course, I wanted Edward with his cold, stoic and protective presence to be the one who'll be with Bella in the end. And though reading Book 3 made me empathize with Jacob completely, I still think Edward should be with Bella.
Now, here's the thing, as I said I can see myself in Jacob's eyes. If you've been reading my blogs, you've been to my innermost, honest and raw emotions. Now let me tell you the real story behind those feelings.
To put it simply, I became a "Jacob" just recently to a "Bella". (Of course, that Bella is a representation of this guy I met and "Edward" is the representation of his ex) I became too close for comfort with that one guy and slowly I started to give him pieces of myself. We had it going for a while. I thought he was already falling for me too... heck, he actually started to tell me he's already falling for me too. And I believed him. Then I guess this guy's "Edward" came back. Actually I don't think she left at all, she has always been there but looks like my "Bella's" feelings for "Edward" started to come back during the time when I started to fall intensely for him. Heard of the word "rebound?" Yeah, that's merely what I've become to my "Bella.
So it has been painfully hard for me seeing "Bella" treating me just a friend. As if we didn't share anything at all in those few fleeting weeks, even months we did spend. Like Jacob, I didn't mind being there even if "Edward" is back. I was ready and had preconditioned my mind that I am just a friend. And believe me, I tried my hardest to be just that. But to make matters worst, I started to see the changes in "Bella." He stopped caring altogether as if he just pulled out the plug of his so-called "feelings" for me. But he still talks to me, alright. My eyes lit up whenever I'd see a text or chat window opening up with his messages. So eagerly I'd respond and give him what he wants. However, just recently I begin to realize, the only times that he'd initiate a conversation with me is only when he has a question, if there is something that I can give him in return. Where was the friendly conversation between friends where you ask each other of things just to be informed, instead of to be serviced? Without putting up a fight, sometimes I'd initiate a conversation and tell him how my day went... but it was just not the same. Truly, as he candidly told me anyway, I am no longer of interest to him. And I felt that.
I should have stopped talking to him to preserve the little dignity I have left. But no, and indeed like "Bella" this guy would always come to me if there is something he needs that I can help him with. And the imbecile that I am, I always come running even if he'd just wag his finger at me... It seems that I can't say no to whatever he needs... my time... my expertise... everything is his for the taking. He either conveniently forgot that I once confessed of my feelings for him or he chose to ignore and just enjoy the benefits that comes with our friendship.
For a time I didn't mind. Or I chose not to mind. I was thinking it's better to pretend that I am okay as friends than lose him altogether. Like a puppy needing his master's attention and approval, I was just there... whenever I am needed. Though at the back of my mind, there is a conclusion already that he really didn't have the "feelings" for me the way I was led to believe. I believe I have even given up the hope of a future together. But these things you can't just shove under the table and forget in the morning. I still haven't moved on completely.
So reading a few lines in this book made me realize my own stupidity. Here, let me again quote Stephenie Meyer's descriptive writing....
(Jacob talking to Bella)
"No, I don't. You decide, Bella. You can have me the way I am - bad behavior included - or not at all."
I stared at him, frustrated. "That's mean."
"So are you."
That pulled me up short, and I took an involuntary step back. He was right. If I wasn't mean - and greedy, too - I would tell him I didn't want to be friends and walk away. It was wrong to try to keep my friend when that would hurt him. I didn't know what I was doing here, but I was suddenly sure that it wasn't good."
** This scene made me want to scream at my own "Bella" and say keeping me for a friend is hurting me! Why won't you just leave altogether? Don't you know that it is wrong to try to keep a friend when that would hurt her?
(Edward talking to Bella)
"He knew what he was doing."
"Do you think that matters?" I was blinking back tears, and this was easy to hear in my voice. "Do you think I care whether it's fair or whether he was adequately warned? I'm hurting him. Every time I turn around, I'm hurting him again." My voice was getting louder, more hysterical. "I'm a hideous person."
** This one made me wish he'd really turn into a Bella and have same realization she had. Every time he turns around (whatever he does now) is hurting me again.
(Jacob talking to Bella)
"No." Jacob shook his head. "I'm exactly right for you, Bella. It would have been effortless for us - comfortable, easy as breathing. I was the natural path your life would have taken..." He stared into space for a moment, and I waited. "If the world was the way it was supposed to be, if there were no monsters and no magic..."
** And this scene, is what I would envision in my fantasy on what I will tell my Bella. "It would have been effortless for us..."
Reading this book is like reading the outcome of this episode in my life. Bella will try to talk to Jacob and soften the blow of rejection but in the end, Bella and Edward will get married. That leaves Jacob running into the woods, wanting to forget Bella, wishing to forget the memories and hoping to forget himself, who he has become with Bella.
Since the year is coming to an end, I realized, I should do as Jacob did... Sulk a little, cry in anguish some more, but run into the woods and just let go. Somehow I wish my Bella will just vanish. Or at least, stop treating me like a freaking friend because no matter how many times I told myself that I am okay with that set up, I'm simply not! My emotions are as erratic as the heart of someone having a heart attack. I am not a computer that can reformat its hard drive and reboot myself and start with a clean slate. I am a living being who has a heart that feels, a mind that thinks and a pair of eyes that cry.
So to my Bella, if by any stroke of luck you chanced upon this page and is actually reading this blog and has even come to this part, my plea is this: Leave me alone for now and let me suffer in silence. Us being friends will not work out. It's been months that I tried to put up that farce and look at me now, still blogging about these damn feelings. Go where you are happy the most and if that is not with me, then leave me alone. You are just hurting me whenever you act like a good friend. Of course I am appreciative of all that you've done but let's leave it at that as we leave this year behind us. Let me finally pick up the broken pieces of my shattered dream without you hovering like a brother because with every broken piece that I pick up, I drop two whenever you'd come to me. You have to do it. Get away from me. Because I sure can't get away from you. You know you just need to ask and I'd come. So please stop using me.
"He's like a drug for you, Bella." His voice was still gentle, not at all critical. "I see that you can't live without him now. It's too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun."
The corner of my mouth turned up in a wistful half-smile. "I used to think of you that way, you know. Like the sun. My personal sun. You balanced out the clouds nicely for me."
He sighed. "The clouds I can handle. But I can't fight with an eclipse."
So many things to do... So little time...
It's the fifth day of my first ever long holiday vacation since I started working. Imagine... No work, no stepping into the office, no seeing office mates, no responding to emails from December 24 until January 4. Waaaaaaahhh!!! What do you do??
Before this long break started, I was kind of collating things I can do while on sabbatical. Thinking that I will be off-line for almost two weeks (I didn't know yet Ryan will lend me his Weroam then) I started collecting books that I can read while at home. Among the books I got were the following:
* Book 3 of Twilight Saga: Eclipse
* Book 4 of Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn
* When God writes your love story
* God allows U turn for women
Then I asked Ate Rona for a transcription assignment that I can do during this break (oh well actually it was due even before the break, now that I think about it! Waaaaa!!! This should be my top priority tomorrow). The thing is, when she assigned it to me I was about to start when she needed some transcription done urgently. So I volunteered to do it and guess what I did it in three days. Wow! That is a record breaking time for me. Hahaha.. Considering I always turn over my transcription assignment at least after a week. (Just FYI, this assignment is where some of the messages from CCF sessions are transcribed by volunteers. That means typing the message while listening to the mp3 file.)
Thinking those two (reading and transcribing) aren't enough to fill in the holidays, I got myself my new baby (Ok, I'm sorry I started calling my new Canon 1000D dSLR as "baby"... hehehe.. trip-tripan lang yan! :P). Guess that means more task since I need to familiarize myself with my new baby and have to get a crash course in digital photography.
These three are what I considered my big to do's for these glorious days off from work.
Now the even bigger question is... have I accomplished anything yet??
I just realized, I'm on my fifth day and I still haven't checked off even one from this list. All are half-baked! I'm half way through reading Edward and Bella's love story in the book three, I'm also half way reading Eric and Leslie's love story in the other book and I've read about ten pages in the last book on my list... I'm on my second page in my transcription assignment, that means about 7minutes have been transcribed already and the whole session assignment to me is about one hour and 40 minutes long. Huhuhu... Still a very long way! And last, I've flipped through the manual of my new baby but haven't really mastered the dials in the body of the camera! I've watched a handful of tutorial videos online about digital photography but those are still not enough.
Waaaaahhhh!!! So many things to do and so little time!
So why am I now suddenly stuck with a lot of things to do? Blame it on Ryan's weroam! Hahaha :) Actually, yes, that is partly true. Since I got this free, wireless internet connection I was online almost every single minute (unless I'm out of the house, of course!). So instead of reading, I'm writing blogs... Instead of transcribing, I'm online chatting with friends... instead of studying the manual for my new baby, I watch the instructional videos but am immediately side tracked with updating my network accounts online.
But the biggest reasons for this great distraction with my carefully planned things-to-do-while-on-sabbatical-days are... none other than... my family and friends! :) Not that I am complaining. Actually those are better use of my time than my carefully laid out plans.
As you've probably seen, I posted the wedding album of Rhea and Sonny. So that is already one entire day lost! Hehehe... But I didn't mind because I love dressing up... Love having my hair done... Love posing in pictures... Love eating good food in weddings... Love socializing with friends... and most of all, I love using my new baby! I got to test her hands-on and though I used only the pre-available settings, I loved clicking that shutter button! Hahaha! Happiness! (Okay, it just donned on me that I am now referring to my dslr as "her"... Guess I better give her a name too, what do you think? Hahaha! Crazy!)
Actually the main contributor to my lost times doing my to-do's is the other biggest reason, my family! I've spent more quality time with my family these five days compared to our usual interaction for a regular month. I've shared meals with my mom, brothers, in-laws, niece more frequently these past days than I did last month. I had a dinner with them at home, at Gerry's Grill and a lunch/merienda at Pizza Hut just today.
So who's complaining? I. Am. Not. I realized I loved every single second I spent with them. I missed my big brothers! I missed showing off to them. I missed listening to their voices. I missed their ghastly table manners. I missed them. Period. Now that they have families of their own and are living far from home, I no longer see them for weeks, even months. It's quieter now at home so I welcome any day that I will see either of my big brothers now. Guess I am no longer the little princess in the house. They each have their queens now. Who needs a bratty, spoiled, feeling-princess sister? :)
So I still have one week remaining. There is indeed so many things to do and so little time! But the important thing I learned... It's better to let those carefully laid out plans go to waste than do them diligently but miss one of the most important things in the world: spending quality time with those you love most.
Therefore... Go now!
Text your mom. Call your dad. Schedule a dinner with your siblings. Don't miss the bonding.
I said...
Go. Now!
Before this long break started, I was kind of collating things I can do while on sabbatical. Thinking that I will be off-line for almost two weeks (I didn't know yet Ryan will lend me his Weroam then) I started collecting books that I can read while at home. Among the books I got were the following:
* Book 3 of Twilight Saga: Eclipse
* Book 4 of Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn
* When God writes your love story
* God allows U turn for women
Then I asked Ate Rona for a transcription assignment that I can do during this break (oh well actually it was due even before the break, now that I think about it! Waaaaa!!! This should be my top priority tomorrow). The thing is, when she assigned it to me I was about to start when she needed some transcription done urgently. So I volunteered to do it and guess what I did it in three days. Wow! That is a record breaking time for me. Hahaha.. Considering I always turn over my transcription assignment at least after a week. (Just FYI, this assignment is where some of the messages from CCF sessions are transcribed by volunteers. That means typing the message while listening to the mp3 file.)
Thinking those two (reading and transcribing) aren't enough to fill in the holidays, I got myself my new baby (Ok, I'm sorry I started calling my new Canon 1000D dSLR as "baby"... hehehe.. trip-tripan lang yan! :P). Guess that means more task since I need to familiarize myself with my new baby and have to get a crash course in digital photography.
These three are what I considered my big to do's for these glorious days off from work.
Now the even bigger question is... have I accomplished anything yet??
I just realized, I'm on my fifth day and I still haven't checked off even one from this list. All are half-baked! I'm half way through reading Edward and Bella's love story in the book three, I'm also half way reading Eric and Leslie's love story in the other book and I've read about ten pages in the last book on my list... I'm on my second page in my transcription assignment, that means about 7minutes have been transcribed already and the whole session assignment to me is about one hour and 40 minutes long. Huhuhu... Still a very long way! And last, I've flipped through the manual of my new baby but haven't really mastered the dials in the body of the camera! I've watched a handful of tutorial videos online about digital photography but those are still not enough.
Waaaaahhhh!!! So many things to do and so little time!
So why am I now suddenly stuck with a lot of things to do? Blame it on Ryan's weroam! Hahaha :) Actually, yes, that is partly true. Since I got this free, wireless internet connection I was online almost every single minute (unless I'm out of the house, of course!). So instead of reading, I'm writing blogs... Instead of transcribing, I'm online chatting with friends... instead of studying the manual for my new baby, I watch the instructional videos but am immediately side tracked with updating my network accounts online.
But the biggest reasons for this great distraction with my carefully planned things-to-do-while-on-sabbatical-days are... none other than... my family and friends! :) Not that I am complaining. Actually those are better use of my time than my carefully laid out plans.
As you've probably seen, I posted the wedding album of Rhea and Sonny. So that is already one entire day lost! Hehehe... But I didn't mind because I love dressing up... Love having my hair done... Love posing in pictures... Love eating good food in weddings... Love socializing with friends... and most of all, I love using my new baby! I got to test her hands-on and though I used only the pre-available settings, I loved clicking that shutter button! Hahaha! Happiness! (Okay, it just donned on me that I am now referring to my dslr as "her"... Guess I better give her a name too, what do you think? Hahaha! Crazy!)
Actually the main contributor to my lost times doing my to-do's is the other biggest reason, my family! I've spent more quality time with my family these five days compared to our usual interaction for a regular month. I've shared meals with my mom, brothers, in-laws, niece more frequently these past days than I did last month. I had a dinner with them at home, at Gerry's Grill and a lunch/merienda at Pizza Hut just today.
So who's complaining? I. Am. Not. I realized I loved every single second I spent with them. I missed my big brothers! I missed showing off to them. I missed listening to their voices. I missed their ghastly table manners. I missed them. Period. Now that they have families of their own and are living far from home, I no longer see them for weeks, even months. It's quieter now at home so I welcome any day that I will see either of my big brothers now. Guess I am no longer the little princess in the house. They each have their queens now. Who needs a bratty, spoiled, feeling-princess sister? :)
So I still have one week remaining. There is indeed so many things to do and so little time! But the important thing I learned... It's better to let those carefully laid out plans go to waste than do them diligently but miss one of the most important things in the world: spending quality time with those you love most.
Therefore... Go now!
Text your mom. Call your dad. Schedule a dinner with your siblings. Don't miss the bonding.
I said...
Go. Now!
Tuesday, 23 December 2008
"Desperate for you..."
Sometimes it’s hard to convince one’s self that everything is alright.
I’ve been through this road before. It’s a vicious cycle. Like a wheel that keeps turning and I am once again hitting the bottom.
If you are the wheel and rotates on its own without any outside force and you realize your heart is once again stuck at the bottom… How do you coerce yourself to rotate once more so you will be at the top again instead of the ground?
Or how do you just stop the wheel from turning when you are at the top so it doesn’t go round and let your heart graze the ground?
Imagine your heart on one part of the wheel and how hard and painful it feels when you as the wheel turns and your heart comes crashing to the ground… your soft, vulnerable and pulsating heart comes brushing skin to skin with the rough surface of the ground… The ground consists of teeny tiny rocks coupled with the hard dirty soil and a few sharp objects protruding from the ground. Every movement is like a needle piercing through your delicate heart. The force of the friction sometimes numbs the area but when it moves again and resurfaced to clean fresh air, the impact of the thousand needles you endured comes full force. Without your consent, it starts to bleed and without your control you can’t stop the blood from gushing from the once again opened wounds…
How graphic. And dramatic.
But that’s what I think I am feeling just now.
For weeks I’ve been enjoying the ride at the top. I was okay. I was even happy. I thought wounds have healed. I thought emotions are stronger. I thought my mind has been preconditioned already to endure the few little pinches in my heart.
But then I hit the bottom again today and there you go. Tears threaten to fall once more.
For a few minutes I battled internally to convince my mind and my heart that I am okay. I was trying my best to do the famous “mind over matter” exercise. I talked and laughed with colleagues. I chatted with my trusted friend. However, knowing that I’m on the brink of breaking down, I mustered enough courage to kid her and ask “Pwede ba mag pa heart transplant?” But pretending to joke around when the heavy emotion is lurking from behind does not work well so then next I told her was a plea... "Please pray for me. Now."
And then I just snapped. Without control whatsoever I just bowed my head down and prayed to God and talked to myself. “Lord please let this stop! Be still my heart! Stop reacting to things you see and have no rights of…”
“Stop…”
I tried so much to block the negative and heavy feeling in my heart so I put on my earphones and looked for a familiar and comforting song in my playlist. And I settled on this song, “Breathe” by the Katinas
By the time the words of this song seep into my heart I was already crying softly and uncontrollably in my seat. I just can’t believe I faltered again and forgot that I only need the lover of my soul in my life.
I want to be like that… desperate and lost without the lover of my soul…
When you are in that state of mind, no matter how deep the agony is, they all just take the backseat and the Lord’s mercy and loving kindness is just magnified.
And yes, that made me whole again.
For now.
I don’t know how long will I enjoy this ride at the top again. How I wish I am just stuck in the bliss of knowing that the lover of my life is the most important being.
But I am just human after all and sometimes (or oftentimes in my case), am overpowered by the intensity of the heavy emotions and I succumb to the pain…
Thank God for His faithfulness and He brings me right back to where I should be… in His loving and comforting arms.
I’ve been through this road before. It’s a vicious cycle. Like a wheel that keeps turning and I am once again hitting the bottom.
If you are the wheel and rotates on its own without any outside force and you realize your heart is once again stuck at the bottom… How do you coerce yourself to rotate once more so you will be at the top again instead of the ground?
Or how do you just stop the wheel from turning when you are at the top so it doesn’t go round and let your heart graze the ground?
Imagine your heart on one part of the wheel and how hard and painful it feels when you as the wheel turns and your heart comes crashing to the ground… your soft, vulnerable and pulsating heart comes brushing skin to skin with the rough surface of the ground… The ground consists of teeny tiny rocks coupled with the hard dirty soil and a few sharp objects protruding from the ground. Every movement is like a needle piercing through your delicate heart. The force of the friction sometimes numbs the area but when it moves again and resurfaced to clean fresh air, the impact of the thousand needles you endured comes full force. Without your consent, it starts to bleed and without your control you can’t stop the blood from gushing from the once again opened wounds…
How graphic. And dramatic.
But that’s what I think I am feeling just now.
For weeks I’ve been enjoying the ride at the top. I was okay. I was even happy. I thought wounds have healed. I thought emotions are stronger. I thought my mind has been preconditioned already to endure the few little pinches in my heart.
But then I hit the bottom again today and there you go. Tears threaten to fall once more.
For a few minutes I battled internally to convince my mind and my heart that I am okay. I was trying my best to do the famous “mind over matter” exercise. I talked and laughed with colleagues. I chatted with my trusted friend. However, knowing that I’m on the brink of breaking down, I mustered enough courage to kid her and ask “Pwede ba mag pa heart transplant?” But pretending to joke around when the heavy emotion is lurking from behind does not work well so then next I told her was a plea... "Please pray for me. Now."
And then I just snapped. Without control whatsoever I just bowed my head down and prayed to God and talked to myself. “Lord please let this stop! Be still my heart! Stop reacting to things you see and have no rights of…”
“Stop…”
I tried so much to block the negative and heavy feeling in my heart so I put on my earphones and looked for a familiar and comforting song in my playlist. And I settled on this song, “Breathe” by the Katinas
This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence
Living in me
This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word
Spoken to me
And I, I’m desperate for you
And I, I’m lost with out you
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence
Living in me
This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word
Spoken to me
And I, I’m desperate for you
And I, I’m lost with out you
By the time the words of this song seep into my heart I was already crying softly and uncontrollably in my seat. I just can’t believe I faltered again and forgot that I only need the lover of my soul in my life.
I want to be like that… desperate and lost without the lover of my soul…
When you are in that state of mind, no matter how deep the agony is, they all just take the backseat and the Lord’s mercy and loving kindness is just magnified.
And yes, that made me whole again.
For now.
I don’t know how long will I enjoy this ride at the top again. How I wish I am just stuck in the bliss of knowing that the lover of my life is the most important being.
But I am just human after all and sometimes (or oftentimes in my case), am overpowered by the intensity of the heavy emotions and I succumb to the pain…
Thank God for His faithfulness and He brings me right back to where I should be… in His loving and comforting arms.
My comfort in my suffering is this:
Your promise preserves my life.
- Psalm 119:50
Your promise preserves my life.
- Psalm 119:50
Wednesday, 17 December 2008
on rejection...
I am in the middle of the 2nd Twilight Saga book, “New Moon” and a single paragraph caught my eye that I can’t help but blog about it. Here it goes:
I’d cried myself to sleep over this boy. His harsh rejection had punched a painful new hole in what was left of my chest. He’d left a new nightmare behind him, like an infection in a sore – the insult after the injury. And now he was here in my room, smirking at me as if none of that had passed. Worse than that, even though his arrival had been noisy and awkward, it reminded me of when Edward used to sneak in through my window at night, and the reminder picked viciously at the unhealed wounds.
Certain words from this paragraph scream to me like how an alcohol spray paints to an open surgery… words such as “cried” “harsh rejection” “painful new hole” “new nightmare” “insult” “smirking”… Aaarrrgghhh… Opens up an array of memories come playing in my mind like a distorted film playing a scene over and over.
How do you put a stop to it?
Then I remember one scene from the very first chapter of this book... So I flipped through those pages again and re-read the following lines:
“Bella I don’t want you to come with me.” He spoke the words slowly and precisely, his cold eyes on my face, watching as I absorbed what he was really saying.
There was a pause as I repeated the words in my head a few times, sifting through them for their real intent.
“You… don’t… want me?” I tried out the words, confused by the way they sounded, placed in that order.
“No.”
I stared, uncomprehending, into his eyes. He stared back without apology. His eyes were like topaz – hard and clear and very deep. I felt like I could see into them for miles and miles, yet nowhere in their bottomless depths could I see a contradiction to the word he’d spoken.
“Well, that changes things.” I was surprised by how calm and reasonable my voice sounded. It must be because I was so numb. I couldn’t realize what he was telling me. It still didn’t make any sense.
Reading those words was like a bucket of cold water being splattered right to my face. The realization on the harshness of rejection… Bella took it calmly. She said she was surprised but then again it must be because of the numbness…
I had my fair share on rejection. I used to kid around saying that no amount of rejection will ever make me feel like I am the tiniest person on earth. I thought I’ve endured all I possibly can in the realm of rejection. I used to say “I had a very thorough lesson in rejection last year.”
But who was I conclude that?
I recently had another encounter with this unwelcome feeling. Like Bella, I believe I took it calmly. I wasn’t hysterical. I shrugged it off and “moved on.” But reading these words from this book opens up the unhealed wound that I tried so hard to pretend does not exist.
But it’s still there, you know, lurking in the darkness, hidden in the shadows, buried in the ground.
What hurts the most in being rejected? Is it the slashed ego? The humiliation? I’d say it’s the realization that you aren’t good enough.
“You’re not good for me, Bella.” He turned his earlier words around, and so I had no argument. How well I knew that I wasn’t good enough for him.
“Not good enough.” “Not interesting enough. “Not pretty enough.”
Aw!
Sometimes I hate myself when I realize how stupidity results in having memories such as these. If I am in my logical mood, and thinking things through, I can see where in the series of events did I stumble and where did I become susceptible to harm. But most often than not, I don’t recognize it until it’s over and I’ve been stumped upon.
Is it my fault that I am too trusting, that I am too eager to please and that I am such a simpleton that I can’t say No?
Yes, I admit those are my faults without any excuses.
Aaarrrgggghhhh… It is such a complicated and agonizing world we live in.
But thanks to words like these in the book, when presented in black and white, makes you see the reality in its ugliness. It makes you realize how it hurts like hell to be rejected. But then you realize another thing. Compared to the first lesson in rejection, this time I am way composed than before. I am handling it better than the first. I am stronger now than the last time.
Or
I am just way too numb now to really tell the difference.
Thursday, 4 December 2008
awkward but enlightening :)
Okay, this has to be the most awkward situation I've been subjected to. Add funny. And embarrassing. And it was at my expense!
Anyway, here goes...
I met someone familiar at the retreat. You could say someone related to the past. :)
So Coney and I were walking back to the swimming pool, where the baptism will take place. I accompanied her to their cabin so she can change (Yes, Coney just got baptized during the BIG4 Retreat... Woohooo!). Upon passing the other cabin, I suddenly saw a pretty lady that looked really familiar. So when we reached her, I went to her and cheerfully said "Hey, kilala kita!" I even made beso-beso (feeling close talaga eh... hihihi).
Guess what?
The pretty lady smiled politely and said...
"Saan nga ulit tayo nagkakilala?"
Wahahaha!!!
No, I didn't mistook her for someone else. She just didn't recognize me.
So I told her, without flinching, still maintaining my cheerful attitude, and still with my unwavering smile, "Ayyyyy, nakalimutan mo na ako?"
"Ako yun ex ni Scep."
See, the familiar girl is Scep's cousin. She was really sweet and nice to me whenever I met her before. So honestly it was a surprise that she didn't recognize me.
But anyway, she said it must be the hair (yeah, I just had another trip to Fix salon last week)... and she said "Blooming ka ah."
We exchanged a few more chit-chat then we left.
Wasn't that funny? :)
Let's analyze the incident. (As if this is an english class and you just read a literary story and now you have to interpret it.. hehehe)
Here's the facts:
1. I used to runaway from confrontational encounter with Scep-related persons such as this one. Countless times I've seen his sister & her husband and sometimes his auntie and cousins at CCF Sunday services. I would always always either go the other way or keep my head low if I'm in their way. But for this particular incident, ducking away did not cross my mind.
2. Just a glimpse of someone from the past will send legions of butterflies in my stomach. I'd get nervous to the point of my knees starting to shake. But not this time, I was composed the entire time. Not to mention really cheerful.
3. For the first time (I think), I get to say "Ex ni Scep" out loud. Without flinching. Without my voice cracking. Without a feeling of shame.
Having those in mind, I believe the Lord is impressing something in me. And that is... I have finally closed that book. That past is indeed the past. Gone are the uneasy feelings about Scep. The heart-wrenching pain is no more. The lover of my soul took all those away and have replaced it with something else... The joy and serenity of knowing I just need Jesus in my life.
And I just have to comment when she said "Blooming ka ha!"
The thing is... there is a different glow when Christ is in you. :)
Anyway, here goes...
I met someone familiar at the retreat. You could say someone related to the past. :)
So Coney and I were walking back to the swimming pool, where the baptism will take place. I accompanied her to their cabin so she can change (Yes, Coney just got baptized during the BIG4 Retreat... Woohooo!). Upon passing the other cabin, I suddenly saw a pretty lady that looked really familiar. So when we reached her, I went to her and cheerfully said "Hey, kilala kita!" I even made beso-beso (feeling close talaga eh... hihihi).
Guess what?
The pretty lady smiled politely and said...
"Saan nga ulit tayo nagkakilala?"
Wahahaha!!!
No, I didn't mistook her for someone else. She just didn't recognize me.
So I told her, without flinching, still maintaining my cheerful attitude, and still with my unwavering smile, "Ayyyyy, nakalimutan mo na ako?"
"Ako yun ex ni Scep."
See, the familiar girl is Scep's cousin. She was really sweet and nice to me whenever I met her before. So honestly it was a surprise that she didn't recognize me.
But anyway, she said it must be the hair (yeah, I just had another trip to Fix salon last week)... and she said "Blooming ka ah."
We exchanged a few more chit-chat then we left.
Wasn't that funny? :)
Let's analyze the incident. (As if this is an english class and you just read a literary story and now you have to interpret it.. hehehe)
Here's the facts:
1. I used to runaway from confrontational encounter with Scep-related persons such as this one. Countless times I've seen his sister & her husband and sometimes his auntie and cousins at CCF Sunday services. I would always always either go the other way or keep my head low if I'm in their way. But for this particular incident, ducking away did not cross my mind.
2. Just a glimpse of someone from the past will send legions of butterflies in my stomach. I'd get nervous to the point of my knees starting to shake. But not this time, I was composed the entire time. Not to mention really cheerful.
3. For the first time (I think), I get to say "Ex ni Scep" out loud. Without flinching. Without my voice cracking. Without a feeling of shame.
Having those in mind, I believe the Lord is impressing something in me. And that is... I have finally closed that book. That past is indeed the past. Gone are the uneasy feelings about Scep. The heart-wrenching pain is no more. The lover of my soul took all those away and have replaced it with something else... The joy and serenity of knowing I just need Jesus in my life.
And I just have to comment when she said "Blooming ka ha!"
The thing is... there is a different glow when Christ is in you. :)
"A happy heart makes the face cheerful"
- Proverbs 15:13a
- Proverbs 15:13a
Prayers from the Retreat
I am back from my 3day retreat. 940 singles attended this event. Imagine, my presence was just a mere .10% of the entire population in Chateau Royale this 3 day weekend. Yet, I believe God has purposely placed me there under specific program that He alone has created for me.
How should I begin another amazing and wonderful story that the lover of my soul stitched just for me? How should I present the lessons and realizations I got from all these? How should I give glory to the magnificent God that orchestrated all these?
Squeezing all the answers to those three questions in one single blog entry is simply an injustice to the truth. But I will try anyway. Bear with me. Read with me as I write. Rejoice with me as I express the cheerfulness in my heart. Pray with me as I hope that the fire will keep burning.
Just a few days before this much awaited retreat, my Lord broke me again with that jealousy-betrayal incident I felt in my heart. Though I came to terms with myself and with my Lord before the actual retreat, that left an emptiness in my heart. I was like a mobile phone screaming to be plugged and recharged. I was feeling sick physically, catching the tonsillitis and colds virus and having an hour and a half worth of sleep the night before the big day, my temperature was high and my head was spinning when I dragged myself out of the bed that Saturday morning.
I was a walking zombie when I arrived at St. Francis Square. To think that we had a grueling schedule for the first day! But you what? I felt my spirit being recharged the moment I stepped on the main lobby of Chateau Royale and it went full bar when we sang the first praise and worship song for the retreat. “It’s All about You.” That set it for me. My entire being shifted its focus to the lover of my soul. My somewhat empty heart started to be filled with Jesus.
And the rest… as they say, is history. I am now home. With a smile in my heart. With wisdom in my mind. With the holy spirit in my soul.
I just pray, O Lord! That this fire does not fade.
I really wish I can impart all the things I learned during this weekend. But right now, I just want to share the excerpts from my prayer journal during my quiet times in the retreat (so you can help me pray these things)…
“Father God, thank you for this opportunity to spend time with you! Thank you that through this retreat we are reminded of how small we are compared to your magnificence, your faithfulness, your mercy and your love. Lord, how I wish that I can always experience this every single day: the closeness to you. To be surrounded with fellow believers… To just wake up with a happy heart and say “Good Morning Lord!”… To fellowship with a group through breakout sessions and talk about our experiences and how you are working in each of our lives… and to sing! Lord, you know how cheerful my heart is every time I sing for you. Thank you that through this retreat and with the praise and worship team we can just offer our voices to you and exalt you…”
“I praise you, Lord Jesus for all that you have done. I pray Lord that the fire burning in me will last a lifetime Lord! And not just until this retreat. Please help me start another new life with you…”
“Lord, this retreat is just about to end and though I almost don’t want to leave because I know I will once again face the worldliness of the world… I am ready. Equipped with my take-aways and the assurance of your loving-kindness and your magnificence, I know I can face the hindrances that lies ahead knowing that with you by my side, nothing is impossible. I claim victory over all future difficulties…”
How should I begin another amazing and wonderful story that the lover of my soul stitched just for me? How should I present the lessons and realizations I got from all these? How should I give glory to the magnificent God that orchestrated all these?
Squeezing all the answers to those three questions in one single blog entry is simply an injustice to the truth. But I will try anyway. Bear with me. Read with me as I write. Rejoice with me as I express the cheerfulness in my heart. Pray with me as I hope that the fire will keep burning.
Just a few days before this much awaited retreat, my Lord broke me again with that jealousy-betrayal incident I felt in my heart. Though I came to terms with myself and with my Lord before the actual retreat, that left an emptiness in my heart. I was like a mobile phone screaming to be plugged and recharged. I was feeling sick physically, catching the tonsillitis and colds virus and having an hour and a half worth of sleep the night before the big day, my temperature was high and my head was spinning when I dragged myself out of the bed that Saturday morning.
I was a walking zombie when I arrived at St. Francis Square. To think that we had a grueling schedule for the first day! But you what? I felt my spirit being recharged the moment I stepped on the main lobby of Chateau Royale and it went full bar when we sang the first praise and worship song for the retreat. “It’s All about You.” That set it for me. My entire being shifted its focus to the lover of my soul. My somewhat empty heart started to be filled with Jesus.
And the rest… as they say, is history. I am now home. With a smile in my heart. With wisdom in my mind. With the holy spirit in my soul.
I just pray, O Lord! That this fire does not fade.
I really wish I can impart all the things I learned during this weekend. But right now, I just want to share the excerpts from my prayer journal during my quiet times in the retreat (so you can help me pray these things)…
“Father God, thank you for this opportunity to spend time with you! Thank you that through this retreat we are reminded of how small we are compared to your magnificence, your faithfulness, your mercy and your love. Lord, how I wish that I can always experience this every single day: the closeness to you. To be surrounded with fellow believers… To just wake up with a happy heart and say “Good Morning Lord!”… To fellowship with a group through breakout sessions and talk about our experiences and how you are working in each of our lives… and to sing! Lord, you know how cheerful my heart is every time I sing for you. Thank you that through this retreat and with the praise and worship team we can just offer our voices to you and exalt you…”
“I praise you, Lord Jesus for all that you have done. I pray Lord that the fire burning in me will last a lifetime Lord! And not just until this retreat. Please help me start another new life with you…”
“Lord, this retreat is just about to end and though I almost don’t want to leave because I know I will once again face the worldliness of the world… I am ready. Equipped with my take-aways and the assurance of your loving-kindness and your magnificence, I know I can face the hindrances that lies ahead knowing that with you by my side, nothing is impossible. I claim victory over all future difficulties…”
Call to me and I will answer you
and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.
- Jeremiah 33:3
and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.
- Jeremiah 33:3
Friday, 28 November 2008
Twilight Takeaways
Okay, a break from my seemingly highly emotional posts.
I’m writing about something good today!
I just watched “Twilight” with my officemates. I’ve never heard of this before, didn’t know that the book caused quite a stir in new york, wasn’t aware that it was a series of four books and last, I didn’t know that it was about vampires! To say I didn’t have the slightest idea what I was watching was an understatement.
But anyway, we all planned on meeting at Glorietta 4 cinemas at 6:30pm. Probably because of the pay day weekend with most of the employees even getting their 13th month pay today, it was exaggeratingly traffic. Or so says Ayie and Cicelle. Kuya Rudel, Kuya Frank and I left the office at 6:10pm. All five of us where working against time. So when the three of us got to the ticketing booth at 6:40pm, we didn’t stand a chance in getting into the 6:50pm screening at cinema 5.
Looking at the little screen right above the ticketing counter, we were assured of a chance to get into the 7:20pm screening since cinema 1 is flashing a 30 seats availability. Yey! So Kuya Rudel fell in line for the ticket while I was updating Ayie and Cicelle of the status of our movie date.
However, much to our disappointment, the 7:20pm slot was sold out as well! (We learned that for free seating movies, they allot 30 free seats in consideration of the inconsiderate movie goers who repeats the movie.. hahha.. didn’t know that before!)
So I texted Cicelle and while I was texting Ayie, she came calling my phone saying she’s already in Glorietta. I told her the bad news and told her we’d wait for her at the food choices. When she arrived, she insisted on checking other cinemas. Even went as far as suggesting to go to Cubao… hahaha.. or MOA… Then her brilliant mind remembered the Glorietta 1 cinema! I was skeptical at first and told them not to even think about it. But she insisted, bless her! In short… we got ourselves a ticket! Woohoo!!
Frankly, I wasn’t that excited since I really didn’t know what this movie was about. But… oh boy, was I glad we watched!!! Weeeee!!
As what I was telling them, this was by far the best movie I watched this year (not that I have a lot on my list to choose from anyway). I loved everything about the movie, even if Ayie and Cicelle do not agree with me. (The thing is, it is better to watch the movie first before you read the book so you don’t have any comparison for any flaws nor perfection)
So, what was it about Twilight that I loved so much?
The intense love between Bella and Edward…
The fact that they came from two different worlds but love was enough for them to conquer it all…
The trust that Bella had for Edward…
The self-control that Edward has for Bella (for not killing her, even if he said her blood calls out to him like crazy)…
The protectiveness that Edward has for Bella…
The way Bella was more concerned whether Edward’s family will accept her more than the fact that she is entering a household full of vampires…
Being the hopeless romantic myself, it was just too much for me to take in. I was overwhelmingly happy about the movie. Why? Maybe it was because of the hope it presented that such a love could exist? Where background and personality and past just doesn’t count… but just the present, about seizing the moment. Giving love the chance. The thought of braving it out and just trying to see if the relationship will work…
Maybe all those reasons… But what I would to believe is that, the reason why I love this movie so much is because…
It made me realize that no matter how hurt I have been the past few weeks, my heart hasn’t gone cold… I am not bitter towards the boy-girl relationship even if it seems that I’m not getting into one anytime soon… In short, I guess I could say I am still capable of falling in love.
I just want to give the credit to my God. I know I wouldn’t feel this way if it wasn’t for Him. If it wasn’t for the trust I have in Him and His faithfulness to his promises.
As the saying goes, “Only love can heal a heart that was hurt by love.” So no matter how many times my heart breaks because of unbroken promises, of unreciprocated feelings, of giving too much too soon… I know I will be fine in the end. Because all along there is a love in my heart that heals all hurts. And that is the love that I know my saviour has for me.
Wednesday, 26 November 2008
Pleasure and Offering
I’m sure my Christian friends will agree when I say living the Christian Life is not merely difficult. It is impossible! Sometimes even if we are set on our plans to commit our lives to the Lord, there are hindrances that are bound to come our way. Hindrances that are not even evil in nature and by themselves are neutrally good. But these things will come to shake us, test our priorities and present a difficult choice for us.
Last Sunday I experienced just that.
I woke up really early on Sunday. My friends from work and I signed up for UNICEF’s Walk with Child campaign. It was a walk and run for a cause. I just had an hour and a half sleep but still I dragged myself out of bed when I heard my phone ringing – Cicelle was calling me already to wake me up! We all agreed to meet at Jaka Bldg at
It was a long morning! I will no longer narrate the happenings and events during the fun run… Maybe I will if I get a chance to post the pictures… (That is if I get a copy from Ms Lorns because for a change, none of us from my group brought a camera.)
My friendly travel-mates had preexisting plan already of their activity for the rest of the day after the Fun Run. They are going to Pansol, Laguna to look for the venue for our department’s own and self-funded Christmas party. I already told them since Friday that I wasn’t coming but still they asked me to join them that day. I soooo wanted to join! It was an almost complete pack. And knowing these people, it was sure to be a fun fun fun day to spend with them doing ocular inspection of various private resorts.
But I had to beg off. It is Sunday, after all and part of my renewed commitment to go back to the Lord is to offer my Sundays and to offer my time and talent to be used in His ministry.
So with firm conviction, I asked them nicely if they can just please drive me home before they head to Laguna. Which they did, thanks to Carl. =)
They went their way and I went mine. I slept for three more hours when I got home then I woke up to get ready. I had to be at CCF by
After we finished prompting for the
Once again I was torn between wanting to go and meet them or just stay put where I was and give my full attention to the Ptr Bong’s message. Of course, the latter won. I texted back saying hopefully whatever dish they are cooking up will have some leftovers by dinner time because by then I could join them.
Yes, I may have missed an afternoon of togetherness with this set of friends. I may have missed the bickering, the jokes, and the funny antics of everyone in the group…
However, knowing and realizing where my focus and priority for that particular Sunday is and being able to actually carry out and continue on with my focus of spending time with my Lord makes it all worthwhile. I just realized that the offering is much sweeter when you actually had to deny yourself of something pleasurable in exchange of spending your time with the Lord.
And guess what? The lover of my soul did not allow me to miss much. Because after the singing, after the worship, after the fellowship with my ministry… I left CCF at around
I will sacrifice a freewill offering to you;
I will praise your name, O LORD, for it is good
- Psalm 54:6
Monday, 17 November 2008
When the answer is "No"... Reflection # 17, 2008
I’ve always been honest with myself. I write the things I feel and I know. I pray about my dreams and my aspirations. I worry about my concerns and my issues. I cry when I’m in pain and hurting.
If you will have a chance to read my journal, the notebook I use whenever I talk to God, you’d see a lot of inconsistencies. Sometimes when I pray for something specific, and you see two different entries on two consecutive days, you’d see I’m asking God on two different results for the same concern.
That somehow shows how my mind works. I entertain a lot of thoughts. Sometimes I would delve deeper on something that will allow me to reach a certain decision but the following morning, I could just easily discard that thought.
Oh yeah, I confuse myself too.
However, I am assured that all these inconsistent thoughts and emotions are as clear as crystal to the lover of my soul. I know that when I am being a kid and crying out my concerns to God, He understands me perfectly. He knows exactly what is in my heart and He is ready to give comfort whenever needed and most importantly, I know that He has something planned for me already.
It’s just that most often than not, we are either too busy to hear what God has to say or just plain stubborn to follow when we hear his answer to our questions. The complexities of our everyday life overshadow that still voice within us that tells us when to stop and when to go on…
When I was in
Just imagine it was a little dark and quiet outside our second floor deluxe fan room. But I crept slowly along the hallway and made my way to the stairs at the far side. Thank God for moon light that night and the spot lights around the vicinity of the resort I didn’t stumble as I walked towards the beach. When I reached the clearing, the wind from the sea welcomed we with a chilling air. I shivered and tighten my hold on my sarong and wrapped it around my shoulders as I walk towards one of the benches. I then sat and my sight merely rested on the boats anchored on the sea, watching as it sways softly to the sound of the wind. I could hear the waves as it splashes along the shore.
It was a beautiful sight.
And I was alone at the beach that night.
For a while I just stared with no thoughts floating in my mind. I was just enjoying the feel of the sea. But gradually my thoughts began to shift to that one thing that has been bothering me before that trip. So I closed my eyes and started the monologue in my mind. I was being a kid again, complaining to God, impatiently asking for something that I desperately wanted. But as the moments went by, I began to feel my mind starting to quiet down, the thoughts running in my mind seemed to have stopped in their tracks. And like a sun peering through the clouds on at dawn, God gradually revealed to me then the answer that I have been praying for.
It was a No.
For the first time in this seemingly unending battle of thoughts and emotions in my mind and my heart, I began to really realize that what I wanted at the moment was not something that God wanted to give to me now. I was frankly surprised that the minute I accepted His “No,” I was rid of most of the pain and agony in my heart. My crying inside stopped and was replaced with a new hope that goes beyond what my little mind and my stubborn heart could have conceived. It was really like as if a heavy burden was lifted off me.
So I opened my eyes and looked towards the sky. I just wanted to say Thank You to the lover of my soul for finally giving me an answer. Though it wasn’t what I would have wanted to hear, I am content. At least, I know now where I stand. Now, I know what my actions will be from that moment on. Now, I know it was time to move on.
Was I sad? I guess I was. But it wasn’t that big of a feeling then. At least, it didn’t consume me.
When I left the beach that night and headed back to our room, I was just at peace. When I lay my head down on my pillows and closed my eyes to sleep, I was immediately carried off to a dreamless sleep. When I woke up the following morning, I was somehow a new person carrying a different perspective and was able to change my actions and reactions to my previous concern.
It’s almost a week now since that moment.
And now I realized when you begin to see and acknowledge what God wanted to say, even if it wasn’t the answer that we are hoping and praying for, I realized that He accompanies that decline with a comforting assurance. He doesn’t just say No and leave us to pick up the pieces. He stays and guides and makes sure that if ever we stumble from that moment on, He is readily available at our side to catch us when we fall.
It’s almost a week now since that moment.
Guess what? I haven’t stumbled yet so far. I mean, I am still content with the answer I got. I stopped praying for that thing I thought I desperately wanted. And what is comforting is that God seemed to have answered my other prayer, to take away the desire in my heart if it wasn’t right. The intensity of the longing in my heart has subsided. I can now wake up in the morning not worrying what I would do if I am subjected to another heart-wrenching encounter within the day. I know I am ready to face anything because I have a deliverer on my side.
“Call upon Me in the day of trouble;
I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me.”
- Psalm 50:15
Wednesday, 5 November 2008
how did i get into singing?
Have I ever told you how I came to be part of the music ministry at CCF?
Let me back track… As a child I grew up with music. All my three elder brothers are into music. They have their own favorite genres. I remember our eldest was into Jazz, the second into oldies and the third into rock. But they all can listen to any type of music you make them hear. I remember we used to have CDs that range from the classical Beethoven collection to the underground alternative music.
Once during one of our occasional family day where we all go out as a family to eat lunch somewhere and shop (or window shop), I remember Kuya Alex (our eldest) nudging me to ask Papa to buy me a cassette tape. (Okay, I was really young at the time, cassette tapes were the rage, not yet CDs nor MP3s.) Guess what record he’s asking? I will not forget, it’s the Wilson Philips album where they recorded the song “Hold On” and “You’re in Love.” I think Papa was surprised that I was asking for such an album but I was the only little girl in the family and he can’t say no to me at the time. *wink* In short, my Kuya got what he wanted.
The thing is when you grow up in a household where the stereo is always blazing with whatever cassette tape was playing, you’d one way or another be in tuned with music too. Even my father is into music. He sings! He has the voice like that of Jose Mari Chan. Or at least that’s what I always thought since he always sings Chan’s songs. He’s very popular during his corporate parties. They always ask him to sing. So his cassette tape collection consisted of minus one.
I used to sing with him too. I mean I sing along whenever he sings. But most of the time, it’s during one of the rides in our car. Remember, I almost always got the passenger seat. J But I was a very shy little girl so I don’t sing in front of other people. Once during one of our new year’s eve celebration slash family reunion in the house of one of my relatives in Quezon City, they asked Papa to sing. Then they called me and asked me to sing along with my dad. And we did, though I did so reluctantly, I did sing a few lines of the song “Sing me a song again Daddy” before I pushed away the microphone and hid behind my mom’s skirt. I remember some of my tito and tita saying I should have finished the duet with Papa but my shyness over took the moment. Then they said I should take a voice lesson…
Oh, I could go on forever with these memories, I should stop myself! J But the gist of my trip down the memory lane is that I grew to love music and singing. One of my brothers plays the guitar very well and I remember sometimes he’d ask me to sing while he play. I just remember one song that he used to play really well and I used to sing really well (ows, really well?)… It’s called “Paglisan.” Who sang that? The band where Cookie Chua sings, I think.
Back when I was still attending the Sunday masses of the Catholic Church, I’d dream of being part of the choir that sings during communion. I used to just stare at them and dream of one day being part of the group, but I didn’t do anything about it.
Then when I joined my first Christian Church at GCM (Gospel Church of Manila) eight years ago, I still had that desire to be part of the choir. And I actually did something about it. J So one Sunday, there was an announcement that all those who wanted to join the choir can audition. And that particular Sunday, it was the last day of audition. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t know what I will sing when the ministry head asks me to sing but with firm conviction I told myself I’d give it a try. And so I did… after the 12pm service, I bravely approached the lady in charge of the choir (shame on me, I’d forgotten her name already!) and told her I’d like to audition. She then asked me if I had any previous experience or if I took any classes on voice. I told her no. So she simply smiled and said “ok, let’s start.” She sat in front of the keyboard, looked at me and asked me what song I’d like to sing. I quickly browsed through the limited selection of Christian songs in my mind. Then I just settled on my favorite song at the time. I said, “I offer my life.”
So I sang… hahaha… It was my first time singing solo in front of a keyboardist! If nervousness can kill, I’d be long dead and buried. Hehehe! Of course I did not make it. J The lady told me I hit most of the notes but “most” is not enough. I should be able to hit “all” the notes. But she told me to practice and come back the following Sunday to audition again. To make the long story short, I went back the following Sunday only to attend the Service but auditioning was ejected from my mind.
Then came last year… As what I’ve been telling 2007 was so far the greatest year of my life. This was the year I first joined CCF. The first retreat I joined at was the “One Way Singles Retreat.” This was where I met Jheny Yap. She made my dream come true in joining the music ministry.
During one of our free time in the retreat, I was in the room assigned to Jheny and her room mates. One of her room mates was Jojie Kho. She was the first person I got to know in that retreat. I actually joined that retreat all by myself, without knowing anyone. So during the bus ride, I sat beside Jojie, who was also joining the retreat all by herself. In short, God put us two together since we were both alone and new to CCF. Therefore, it was thru Jojie that I was introduced to Jheny.
So back to that free time in their room, all three of us (me, Jheny and Jojie) were with Jen King and Edith Cajigas. Somehow the conversation turned into singing. I told everyone I was a frustrated singer. Unashamedly, I told them I wanted to join the choir. Then Jheny said she wanted to join too and she asked me why not join together. I got excited and immediately said “yes!” Partly I didn’t believe that it was true but I did want to join anyway and I wasn’t lying anyway when I told her yes so we left the conversation at that thought.
Now, after the retreat, we arrived at CCF just in time for the 3pm service to end. So the prompters were already singing the response song. Then Jheny pointed at someone at the stage and said, “Ate ko yun.” Then she went on to say she’d ask her sister, Ate Grace, on how we can both join the music ministry.
The rest, as they say, is history. So I became part of the Filipino Music Ministry.
Now looking back, I realize that when God put a desire in your heart to serve, he will equip you with the talent or the skill so you can join the ministry where you are most comfortable serving God with. I know I am not an amazing singer. I am mediocre at best. But it has long been my desire to sing for him so every Sunday that I sing for the Lord, I know he is singing through me and is using me for this own purposes. Even if I can’t sing as good during videoke session with friends, even if I get laughed at whenever an old friend would find out that I am now part of the choir, or even if some people tell me point blank that I don’t sing very well, I don’t care. As long as I am not yet kicked out of the music ministry, I know I can sing beautifully for the lover of my soul, because He is the one equipping me each time. And last, I know it doesn’t matter to Him if I don’t sing like an angel because you know what? The most important thing for Him is to know that I am willing to give Him my time. Everything on earth belongs to Him already. All I have to offer is actually just that – my time.
Every note that escapes my lips is a talent borrowed from God. Because of his grace and faithfulness, he allowed me to part of this ministry. And I just give all the glory and praises to him for even allowing me to sing.
“Not to us, O Lord, not to us.
but to your name be the glory,
because of your love and faithfulness.”
- Psalm 115:1
Tuesday, 4 November 2008
On Surrendering...
I recently heard a very nice anecdote shared by one pastor on the illustration of how it is to have blind trust and obedience. Let me recount the story as if it was mine.
I was walking in the woods during the darkness of the night. Unmindful of the danger around me, I was just heading straight to the unknown path before me. I was enjoying the serenity of my surroundings. Though it was dark I was sinking myself into the hushed swaying of the leaves and the mild sounds of nearby animals. Then without warning, I felt my feet slid as it failed to step on the dirt of the grounds because I realized, there was no ground to step on to! Amidst the darkness I did not see that my path was heading straight to a cliff and it was too late to go back. I was on my way down; screaming and falling into the rocks that I somehow knew would greet my whole body as I plunge into the ravine.
But with divine intervention I felt my hands suddenly reach out and I was able to grab on to a protruding tree branch. A sigh of relief escaped from my already white and parched lips. Thank God, I wasn’t broken into pieces yet. My body was still whole though bruised and blue from all that friction between my body and the rock as it slammed together from the fall. With all the strength I could muster, I hang on for dear life to that one tree branch. Praying fervently, “Save me from this pit, my Lord.” It was scary and the silence in the dark woods was now deafening. I was now way far and below from the garden-like surrounding I was threading on a few minutes back. Fatigue took over and sweat-drenched as I am, suddenly I heard a voice in my head saying “Let go, my child.”
Though bruised and blue, I still had my wits around me and my reasoning was screaming letting go will just hurt me more. I could fall and hit the rocks and instantaneously say goodbye to the world. So with firm conviction, I told myself that I could do it, I could hang on to this branch and wait until morning. Surely someone will see me then, or so I hope…
Just when I thought I couldn’t hold on anymore, the dawn breaks and the sun light seeps through the clouds to shed light to where I was. I then gathered the remaining courage in my body and with eyes closed; I slowly moved my head downwards so I could see how far it was still from the grounds below. Then gradually I opened your eyes and saw to my astounding amazement, the distance between my hanging feet and the grounds below was just a mere one foot away…
My body then somewhat moved on its own and I just felt my blood-drained hands letting go of that tree branch. I fell and my body hit the ground and I realized – If only I let go in the middle of the night, I could have saved my arms from the numbness it now feels after the torture it went through carrying my weight, hanging on for dear life.
If only I trusted and surrendered when I heard the small voice saying, “Let go, my child…”
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”
- Proverbs 3:5-6
Sometimes in our stubbornness and confidence in ourselves we chose to hang on to something even if in the process we are actually torturing ourselves. We cry out in anguish to God, begging for his compassionate mercy to help us out of our predicament. But in most cases, we hardly hear that still voice saying to let go. Or even if we did hear it, we still rely on our own reasoning and understanding and we refuse to surrender. We choose to hold on and rely with our own selves but later on we realize if we had let go the moment He told us to, then we could have saved ourselves from further pain.
Blind Trust. Pure Obedience. Sheer Surrender. That’s all it takes to follow God. Easy? Not in the slightest! It is hard, if not, even impossible...
Father God, help me to surrender totally to you...
Monday, 3 November 2008
The Heart of Worship… Reflection #16, 2008
After months of living the life of a prodigal daughter, today marks my coming back to serving the lover of my soul. After months of living in the world, today I officially surrendered my entire life back to my God. After months of being silent from my ministry, today I once again opened my mouth to sing my heart out to the Lord.
Though I’ve attended choir and prompting practices twice or thrice already since my “come back,” the experience of actually joining the prompters and the band at the stage in singing for the Lord during the actual praise and worship at the
Due to the Nov 1 holiday the FMM had to cancel the usual practice schedule of Saturday night. Instead we just all met at the band room today at
But one song just brought me closer to the Lord today. During practice, I couldn’t help but brush a few tears away from my eyes as Kuya Cedie, the worship leader for today, sang the first few lines of the song…
“When the music fades
And all is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that’s of worth
That will bless your heart…”
I then closed my eyes and remembering what I am going through lately; I just surrendered all my cares unto the Lord and worshiped him with all I’ve got.
“I’ll bring you more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what you have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You’re looking into my heart…”
Sometimes I get conscious and would think that I am not good enough but then I would remember that I am not singing for the person beside me, not even for our ministry leaders, and most certainly not for the entire congregation. Though it’s my responsibility to do well and not humiliate myself in front of everyone, whenever I step on that stage and position myself in front of a microphone, everyone just fades into background because I am singing only for the lover of my soul. It’s always between us during praise and worship.
That happened today. Since it was my “first time” to prompt again after my long absence, I started the practice singing softly, not wanting to draw attention to myself. However when we got into this song, I let go of all inhibitions and sang with pure abandon. Especially when we got into this part…
“I’m coming back to the heart of worship
And it’s all about You
All about You, Jesus
I’m sorry Lord for the thing I’ve made it
When it’s all about You
It’s all about You, Jesus…”
I just want to thank God for making me a part of this ministry. And I thank everyone in the ministry for welcoming me back, with no questions asked. During our devotion after the service, I shared my experience with all of them, why I had been away and what the Lord has been teaching me. But I started my testimony with “I just want to say, I am happy to be back.” And honestly, I was. I missed my Saturday night practices, even if I had to ride a cab on my way home at 11 in the evening after practice, even if I had to spend practically my entire Sunday at the church, even if that would mean I will not have one full day at home to rest if I start committing into ministry again, I am happy to be back! Even if it means cutting down on my gimiks. Especially that. I am happy to be back and just honored to be worshiping God through singing again!
-- written on November 2, 2008 and posted today, November 3, 2008 via e-mail :)
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