'But I can't fight with an eclipse'

I just finished book 3 of the Twilight Saga, "Eclipse." I started reading it on the 24th but it was exceptionally hard for me to finish, compared to the previous two books. Though it was really a great story and I think the best of the series so far, there were a lot of moments where I just needed to take a break from reading. I mean even if sleepiness hasn't taken it's toll on me yet, I simply chose to put the book down at times because I can again see myself in the pages, in Jacob's point of view. It became painful sometimes seeing myself, hearing myself and reading myself in Jacob's dialogues in the book.

(Warning for those who hasn't read and will read the Book, stop reading right now...)

The story goes that when Edward left Bella in Book 2, it was Jacob that became her constant companion. They became friends and were inseparable. It was apparent immediately that Jacob will eventually fall for Bella and he did. Now, either Bella was too stupid not to realize that her new "best friend" was in love with her or she simply chose to ignore that and enjoy all the benefits she got from that friendship with Jacob.

In Book 3, Jacob unashamedly admitted to Bella that he was in fact in love with her. Bella insisted that she loves Jacob too, but not in love with him. She does not want to stop seeing Jacob and wants to continue being friends with him even if Edward is back and of course, Edward loves her dearly. In short, she was enjoying the best of both worlds.

When I was reading Book 2, I told my friends I didn't like Jacob for Bella. Of course, I wanted Edward with his cold, stoic and protective presence to be the one who'll be with Bella in the end. And though reading Book 3 made me empathize with Jacob completely, I still think Edward should be with Bella.

Now, here's the thing, as I said I can see myself in Jacob's eyes. If you've been reading my blogs, you've been to my innermost, honest and raw emotions. Now let me tell you the real story behind those feelings.

To put it simply, I became a "Jacob" just recently to a "Bella". (Of course, that Bella is a representation of this guy I met and "Edward" is the representation of his ex) I became too close for comfort with that one guy and slowly I started to give him pieces of myself. We had it going for a while. I thought he was already falling for me too... heck, he actually started to tell me he's already falling for me too. And I believed him. Then I guess this guy's "Edward" came back. Actually I don't think she left at all, she has always been there but looks like my "Bella's" feelings for "Edward" started to come back during the time when I started to fall intensely for him. Heard of the word "rebound?" Yeah, that's merely what I've become to my "Bella.

So it has been painfully hard for me seeing "Bella" treating me just a friend. As if we didn't share anything at all in those few fleeting weeks, even months we did spend. Like Jacob, I didn't mind being there even if "Edward" is back. I was ready and had preconditioned my mind that I am just a friend. And believe me, I tried my hardest to be just that. But to make matters worst, I started to see the changes in "Bella." He stopped caring altogether as if he just pulled out the plug of his so-called "feelings" for me. But he still talks to me, alright. My eyes lit up whenever I'd see a text or chat window opening up with his messages. So eagerly I'd respond and give him what he wants. However, just recently I begin to realize, the only times that he'd initiate a conversation with me is only when he has a question, if there is something that I can give him in return. Where was the friendly conversation between friends where you ask each other of things just to be informed, instead of to be serviced? Without putting up a fight, sometimes I'd initiate a conversation and tell him how my day went... but it was just not the same. Truly, as he candidly told me anyway, I am no longer of interest to him. And I felt that.

I should have stopped talking to him to preserve the little dignity I have left. But no, and indeed like "Bella" this guy would always come to me if there is something he needs that I can help him with. And the imbecile that I am, I always come running even if he'd just wag his finger at me... It seems that I can't say no to whatever he needs... my time... my expertise... everything is his for the taking. He either conveniently forgot that I once confessed of my feelings for him or he chose to ignore and just enjoy the benefits that comes with our friendship.

For a time I didn't mind. Or I chose not to mind. I was thinking it's better to pretend that I am okay as friends than lose him altogether. Like a puppy needing his master's attention and approval, I was just there... whenever I am needed. Though at the back of my mind, there is a conclusion already that he really didn't have the "feelings" for me the way I was led to believe. I believe I have even given up the hope of a future together. But these things you can't just shove under the table and forget in the morning. I still haven't moved on completely.

So reading a few lines in this book made me realize my own stupidity. Here, let me again quote Stephenie Meyer's descriptive writing....

(Jacob talking to Bella)
   "No, I don't. You decide, Bella. You can have me the way I am - bad behavior included - or not at all."
   I stared at him, frustrated. "That's mean."
   "So are you."
   That pulled me up short, and I took an involuntary step back. He was right. If I wasn't mean - and greedy, too - I would tell him I didn't want to be friends and walk away. It was wrong to try to keep my friend when that would hurt him. I didn't know what I was doing here, but I was suddenly sure that it wasn't good."

** This scene made me want to scream at my own "Bella" and say keeping me for a friend is hurting me! Why won't you just leave altogether? Don't you know that it is wrong to try to keep a friend when that would hurt her?

(Edward talking to Bella)
   "He knew what he was doing."
   "Do you think that matters?" I was blinking back tears, and this was easy to hear in my voice. "Do you think I care whether it's fair or whether he was adequately warned? I'm hurting him. Every time I turn around, I'm hurting him again." My voice was getting louder, more hysterical. "I'm a hideous person."

** This one made me wish he'd really turn into a Bella and have same realization she had. Every time he turns around (whatever he does now) is hurting me again.

(Jacob talking to Bella)
   "No." Jacob shook his head. "I'm exactly right for you, Bella. It would have been effortless for us - comfortable, easy as breathing. I was the natural path your life would have taken..." He stared into space for a moment, and I waited. "If the world was the way it was supposed to be, if there were no monsters and no magic..."

** And this scene, is what I would envision in my fantasy on what I will tell my Bella. "It would have been effortless for us..."

Reading this book is like reading the outcome of this episode in my life. Bella will try to talk to Jacob and soften the blow of rejection but in the end, Bella and Edward will get married. That leaves Jacob running into the woods, wanting to forget Bella, wishing to forget the memories and hoping to forget himself, who he has become with Bella.

Since the year is coming to an end, I realized, I should do as Jacob did... Sulk a little, cry in anguish some more, but run into the woods and just let go. Somehow I wish my Bella will just vanish. Or at least, stop treating me like a freaking friend because no matter how many times I told myself that I am okay with that set up, I'm simply not! My emotions are as erratic as the heart of someone having a heart attack. I am not a computer that can reformat its hard drive and reboot myself and start with a clean slate. I am a living being who has a heart that feels, a mind that thinks and a pair of eyes that cry.

So to my Bella, if by any stroke of luck you chanced upon this page and is actually reading this blog and has even come to this part, my plea is this: Leave me alone for now and let me suffer in silence. Us being friends will not work out. It's been months that I tried to put up that farce and look at me now, still blogging about these damn feelings. Go where you are happy the most and if that is not with me, then leave me alone. You are just hurting me whenever you act like a good friend. Of course I am appreciative of all that you've done but let's leave it at that as we leave this year behind us. Let me finally pick up the broken pieces of my shattered dream without you hovering like a brother because with every broken piece that I pick up, I drop two whenever you'd come to me. You have to do it. Get away from me. Because I sure can't get away from you. You know you just need to ask and I'd come. So please stop using me.

   "He's like a drug for you, Bella." His voice was still gentle, not at all critical. "I see that you can't live without him now. It's too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun."
   The corner of my mouth turned up in a wistful half-smile. "I used to think of you that way, you know. Like the sun. My personal sun. You balanced out the clouds nicely for me."
   He sighed. "The clouds I can handle. But I can't fight with an eclipse."