"Desperate for you..."

Sometimes it’s hard to convince one’s self that everything is alright.

I’ve been through this road before. It’s a vicious cycle. Like a wheel that keeps turning and I am once again hitting the bottom.

If you are the wheel and rotates on its own without any outside force and you realize your heart is once again stuck at the bottom… How do you coerce yourself to rotate once more so you will be at the top again instead of the ground?

Or how do you just stop the wheel from turning when you are at the top so it doesn’t go round and let your heart graze the ground?

Imagine your heart on one part of the wheel and how hard and painful it feels when you as the wheel turns and your heart comes crashing to the ground… your soft, vulnerable and pulsating heart comes brushing skin to skin with the rough surface of the ground… The ground consists of teeny tiny rocks coupled with the hard dirty soil and a few sharp objects protruding from the ground. Every movement is like a needle piercing through your delicate heart. The force of the friction sometimes numbs the area but when it moves again and resurfaced to clean fresh air, the impact of the thousand needles you endured comes full force. Without your consent, it starts to bleed and without your control you can’t stop the blood from gushing from the once again opened wounds…

How graphic. And dramatic.

But that’s what I think I am feeling just now.

For weeks I’ve been enjoying the ride at the top. I was okay. I was even happy. I thought wounds have healed. I thought emotions are stronger. I thought my mind has been preconditioned already to endure the few little pinches in my heart.

But then I hit the bottom again today and there you go. Tears threaten to fall once more.

For a few minutes I battled internally to convince my mind and my heart that I am okay. I was trying my best to do the famous “mind over matter” exercise. I talked and laughed with colleagues. I chatted with my trusted friend. However, knowing that I’m on the brink of breaking down, I mustered enough courage to kid her and ask “Pwede ba mag pa heart transplant?” But pretending to joke around when the heavy emotion is lurking from behind does not work well so then next I told her was a plea... "Please pray for me. Now."

And then I just snapped. Without control whatsoever I just bowed my head down and prayed to God and talked to myself. “Lord please let this stop! Be still my heart! Stop reacting to things you see and have no rights of…”

“Stop…”

I tried so much to block the negative and heavy feeling in my heart so I put on my earphones and looked for a familiar and comforting song in my playlist.  And I settled on this song, “Breathe” by the Katinas

This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence
Living in me

This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word
Spoken to me

And I, I’m desperate for you
And I, I’m lost with out you

By the time the words of this song seep into my heart I was already crying softly and uncontrollably in my seat. I just can’t believe I faltered again and forgot that I only need the lover of my soul in my life.

I want to be like that… desperate and lost without the lover of my soul…

When you are in that state of mind, no matter how deep the agony is, they all just take the backseat and the Lord’s mercy and loving kindness is just magnified.

And yes, that made me whole again.

For now.

I don’t know how long will I enjoy this ride at the top again. How I wish I am just stuck in the bliss of knowing that the lover of my life is the most important being.

But I am just human after all and sometimes (or oftentimes in my case), am overpowered by the intensity of the heavy emotions and I succumb to the pain…

Thank God for His faithfulness and He brings me right back to where I should be… in His loving and comforting arms.

My comfort in my suffering is this:
Your promise preserves my life.
- Psalm 119:50