slept through the storm

Like any other Filipino these days, I have an Ondoy story to tell. But I just couldn't thank God that mine is not the heart-wrenching survivor story. It's just plain and simple: I slept through the storm!
Saturday morning, Cicelle and I left the office at around 7. We were a bunch of BF-less ladies that morning. So after just a few minutes of chatting with officemates, we decided to start walking towards kalayaan where both of us would catch our rides. It was already raining at the time. We were sharing my almost-new umbrella while still chatting about life, love and all that stuff.

It was a sweet travel home that morning. Cold and chilly and traffic-less on a Saturday morning so in thirty minutes I am at the comfort of our home sweet little home in Taguig. Mama's freshly brewed coffee greeted my nostrils. Ahhhh... warm and sweet.

I spent the morning just literally lounging on the sofa chair. With the remote control in my right hand, I am just clicking away, not really looking for a particular show, just wanted to drown in the noise coming out of the TV. Rain started to pour in, but it's been raining the past few weeks anyway. So, what's new?

Mama asked why I'm not sleeping yet and I told her I'd sleep as late as I could so I could wake up on Sunday morning.
So I spent some more of my time playing with my PSP while the rain continued it's fury outside. Our house is starting to suffer with its leaking ceiling drenching some of my stuff in water. Even the kitchen and the bathroom had a taste of the rain water. I was getting irritated with our landlady for not fixing the leaks soon enough so I texted her and demanded that she visit our house right there and then so she could see for herself the extent of the damage.
Eventually my eyes and my will gave up on me and I was asleep before 1pm.

It was warm and toasty in my bed. I turned off the industrial fan and buried myself in the blankets. I was dead to the world. I woke up at around five. It was getting dark. I peeked and saw mama getting dressed. She just took a bath and sensing I was a little awake she told me it's been raining non-stop and that we have no electricity at the time.

I mumbled a few words I, myself can't understand and went back to sleep.

I woke up again a couple of hours later and grabbed a bite. Mama said she couldn't buy any decent food because most of the stores have closed because of the rain. I said I'd be fine with bread and went back to sleep.
True enough the next time I woke up it was already Sunday morning.

There is still no electricity. I was hungry. And there is no food.The sun was up but the world is quiet. It felt eerie.

Mama said the rain was raging the entire day and night on Saturday. I checked my phone and saw a lot of text messages from concerned friends asking how are we. It began to dawn on me then that this wasn't much of a regular typhoon.
I texted my brother and told him we didn't have anything to eat that morning. He arrived an hour later with what he calls relief goods. I learned he spent the night in his office because he couldn't go home because of the flood. The KFC chicken he brought that morning was a treat from his company. Yey! He asked mama and I to have lunch at his house that Sunday. He said he'll cook. My brother is a good cook so I told him okay.
Mama and I went out and checked the streets. There were myriads of people walking, non-existing jeepneys and tons of tricycle. It was chaotic. We walked some more and saw the general hospital flooded, the Taguig City hall flooded, and just ten steps from our house, water is rising too.
When we had lunch over at Kuya's, Mama, I and my kid brother had to wade through thigh-deep rain water before we reached his house. But thank God his house was spared from the flood but if you just step out from his door, there is water too. I've never seen so many flood in my life.
We spent Sunday lazily (and still with no electricity) at my Kuya's home. We had a feast with his sinigang. I was busy playing with my super cute nephew. When he slept, I slept too. Then it started to get dark so we decided to go home. We asked Kuya and Karen to just sleep over at our house. Since there was still no electricity, it's better if we all spend the night together. By this time my phone died on me. Empty batt. I was missing my gadgets. I had a mission still to be completed in my PSP game. The lack of electricity is getting its toll on me.
By 7pm, while my nephew is getting irritated and while my brother is coming to terms with the fact that he might have to spend the night fanning his son, the light came back. Weeeee! I raced upstairs and plugged both my phone and my PSP. So in case Meralco decides to cut us off again, I'd be equipped.
Text poured in. Got a call from Mac saying Dave just initiated a call tree. I started to get in touch with my officemates and then reality sank in.
While I was sleeping through the storm, while I was missing my PSP, while I was enjoying a lazy Sunday with my family... the rest of Metro Manila was suffering from the effects of Ondoy. I learned that my officemate in Marikina had lost their first floor to the flood. Another still in Marikina lost their entire house.
It was buffling. And humbling. I'd never imagine we could come close to a calamity such as this. We see news like this all over the world, all the time. But to see it so close to home, to learn people you know, your relatives to experience the storm's fury makes me feel so human. So unpredictable. So vulnerable.
... And so thankful.
I heard mama thanking God for sparing us from the flood. She said God knows she can't clean the house if we were flooded because of her health condition. What a wise God we have, she said.
... And I couldn't agree more.

...next time, it could be you. :-)

I'll keep this blog short and sweet. I just want to say...

Last Sunday, I went to church with my two buddies from high school. Yes, the same girls I laughed with, fooled around with, cried with, insulted other people with...

Who would have thought one day, I'll be worshiping with these two ladies. That thought was just that - a thought years ago. A prayer I have once or twice uttered. And what do you know, it just happened.

And I just realized it feels so great to be worshiping with the people you care about. A few months back, it was my mom... now my friends... I guess next time... could be you. :-)

An answered prayer. Eight years in the making.

"Ako na lang mag-isa pupunta sa CCF."

These are the sweetest words I heard from my mom. Ever.

I have been praying that God touches the heart of my dearest mother and have her on my side whenever I go to worship. I'd say I've been praying for about eight years or so for that to happen (ever since I became a Christian) and what do you know? God answers prayers in His own magnificent time.

Today I was seriously planning on ditching attending Sunday service at church (Yeah, what a nerve I have to do that, despite of all the blessings I have been getting everyday - seeing my mom alive still at the top of my list). I was about to fore go attending church to what? Attend a kiddie birthday party at Jollibee! Sometimes I could be really dumb, you know?

Early morning mama already asked me if we're going to church today. I told her I might not because of the party. And without the slightest bit of hesitation, she immediately said...

"Ako na lang mag isa pupunta sa CCF."
That was the first time she ever volunteered to attend a Sunday service at CCF. Alone. My insides are screaming with excitement at the fact that she said that. My Mom. Wants to go to CCF. On her own. I couldn't be happier today and nothing can ever spoil my mood. Of course mama has been coming to CCF since the first Sunday she was out of the hospital two months ago. But today I consider this the official answer to my prayer since she voluntarily said she wanted to attend, even if that means she is going alone.

My initial plan was to attend an earlier service (12pm) so I could go to The Fort for the birthday. But since it's a lazy, chilly Sunday, I slept the morning away and woke up at 1:30pm. Which is right about the time that the 12pm service ends. So as I ate my brunch, my mom is already getting ready for church. I was debating with myself if I should still go ahead and attend the party of the service. At 2:30pm, mama and I left the house. My plan now is to go with her all the way to Megamall and wait for my BFF there so we could go to the party together.

But the Lord has other plans...

Thank God for the bad weather, the horrid traffic, the scarcity of cabs in the metro whenever it rains and for my BFF eventually turning down the invite.

In short, I end up worshipping with my mom.

And I have to say, that has to be one of the greatest worships I ever had.

I couldn't stop the tears from falling when the response song is being sang. I could just feel being overwhelmingly blessed. Seeing my mom at my side, strong and alive singing for God... took my breath away and I was silently in awe, thanking God amidst my tears.
Truly, He answers prayers in His own time.

It doesn't matter that I had to wait for eight years to see it happen. In God's perfect timing, it will happen.

So the next time I pray for you, the next time I ask God that you come to church with me. Stop resisting. Because He will touch your heart. I will see you in church. It will happen. So you might as well go now and save yourself the misery. :-)
Oh, if you are wondering how is my mom doing... She's okay. She's constantly tired. Walks a little slower than usual. Breaths heavily after she goes up the stairs. She takes three medicines a day. She needs her BP taken at least once a day. And yes, her aorta, though "sealed shut by her own blood" is still at risk of being slit open again. Doctors said she has to be extra careful now...

Other than that, she wakes up every morning, I see her reading her bible at night, I see her smile with blissful glee when she plays with my nephew. She hugs me every chance she got. She goes out of the house to buy me some food when I'm hungry. She still watches her favorite asian telenovelas... And most of all... in two days, she is celebrating her 62nd birthday.

Whenever my memory will go visit that fateful Saturday afternoon in April when the doctors are telling me the darkest news of my entire life... I can't stop praising God for His magnificence. After that afternoon, who would have thought I'd be writing this?

For He wounds, but He also binds up;
He injures, but His hands also heal.
- Job 5:18

Rain does stop...

Rain does stop, darkness eventually come into light
Yes, after all that, in front of my eyes is a brand new sight
And I am thanking God for giving you to me
Now I can say I am really finally happy :-)

My heart took a lot of beating
And then you came and did some fixing
Dearest, with your tenderness I am healed
Engulfed in your arms, I am now sealed
Rain does stop, I can attest to that
Almighty God, thank you for that fact! 

yooji :-)

I was captured the moment we met
Carried away with every word you said
It’s a mystery how you got to me
I fell in the spell of your charms
With your siren’s smile you caught me off guard

Just one glance took away my breath
Then you drew me in with your tenderness
You captivate my soul, I’m enraptured
You knocked me out and you locked me up
Stole my heart like a thief at love
Keep me here in your happy ever after
I’m captured

By the way just in case you care
I’m here to stay, I’m not going anywhere
I took a dive in your deep dark eyes
And I’m never coming up for air
I lost myself in this bond that we share

One sweet kiss took away my breath
Then you drew me in with your tenderness
You captivate my soul, I’m enraptured
You knocked me out and you locked me up
Stole my heart like a thief at love
Hold me tight in your happy ever after

Now you’ve got the best of me
No one else could hold the key
I’m captured

Just one touch took away my breath
When you drew me in I could not resist
You captivate my soul, I’m enraptured
You knocked me out and you locked me up
Stole my heart like a thief at love
Keep me here in your happy ever after
I’m captured

missing life...

I can't believe another work week has passed. How time flies..
In 5 months I'll be celebrating my 4 years with Chase.
In 6 weeks I'll be celebrating my one year with RFS IT.
In 28 days I'll be moving to another office location (Hello Net Plaza!)
In 2-3 days, I'll cease to be a homeless person and move to our new apartment.
In 1 week, I'll be remembering the day I almost lost my mom two months back.
In 1 month, 2009 will be halfway done.
So how have I been? It's a little quiet in the horizon and I guess my thoughts wanted to be heard and so here I am writing again...
Somehow I am filled with melancholic air today. I am missing a lot of things! Can I just rant and rant and rant...
1. I miss shopping.
2. I miss going to the movies.
3. I miss dressing up and dining out. (Yup, yun parang date lang! hehehe)
4. I miss going to the spa.
5. I miss having my nails done.
6. I MISS HAVING MY HAIR DONE! (Huhuhu, tagal ko ng bad hair day!)
7. I miss eating bulalo at Leslie's Tagaytay (Tara na Mimi at Becha...)
8. I miss my dad's callos.
9. I miss my mom's siomai.
10. I miss my brother's cooking.
11. I miss the beach.
12. I miss reading a good book.
13. I miss going to Coco with HR.
14. I miss Lindt's hazelnut chocolate.
15. I miss my PSP (Kuya, kelan mo sosoli sakin yan?! hehehe)
16. I miss waking up and not worrying about bills.
17. I miss drinking kurrant. :P
18. I miss the airport crowd (which means I miss flying! Hehehe)
19. I miss Candy
20. I miss listening to Pachelbel's Canon
21. I miss watching a japanese soap.
22. I miss Grey's anatomy.
23. I miss being legal.
24. I miss pistachio ice cream.
25. I miss my designer bags.
But the truth of the matter is... something big is missing. I know exactly what it is but I've been turning a blind eye towards it and it's just now that I am bravely accepting the fact that...
What I really miss is...
I miss going to choir and prompting practices in CCF! I miss my quiet time. I miss my sisters. I miss my church. I miss my God. Period.
But there goes in someone's life that because of circumstances, you choose to just isolate yourself from things and because of the length of absence, somehow you wake up one morning and realize you've detached yourself too deep and now find it hard to go back to your previous activities that not too long ago were regularly in your calendar.
So, tell me how do I go back?

muffled life

Earlier today I chided someone that he has not been visiting my multiply site lately. He said there are no updates anyway. I said well, my life issues has subsided and it's quieter now.
Is it?
Well, after the episode with my mom, the humbling experience of raising funds to pay the hospital bills, the great move out day from our apartment, the on-going two weeks homeless period, the challenging officemate, the humongous work load...
I guess that's enough to drain my entire being and thus made me succumb into this stillness, albeit floating, feeling lately. It's a little like losing one's self.
But the truth of the matter is, despite all those, I have been surprisingly happy lately. I wish I could just blurt out to the world why. But I guess some things are better left cherished in isolation. Just sit back, relax and see the world unfold right in front of your very eyes.
I guess at this point I just want to say, in my stillness, I still breathe. Life still goes on. In quietness, I choose to marvel at the greatness of how the Lord has been that despite my iniquities He still decided I can go on existing in this life.
I've stopped doing some of the things I have been doing.We need that at times. Especially when you are in the crossroad of reorganizing your life. Amazing how an event turns your world upside down and makes you review, revisit, remake your life.
Anyone will be at a loss for words to blog about.
But life is still treating me well. Someone is making me smile. My mom has been attending CCF for three consecutive Sundays now. We still eat three times a day. I still pray.
I'd be an ingrate to ask for anything more than that.

So, thank you Lord for this stillness.

An Ode to My Mother

This has to be the best Mother's day celebration that I've had for my mom. Aside from the obvious reason that she is now living a second life by my Father above... Guess what? She went to attend a Sunday service with me at CCF. Actually since she was discharged from the hospital, this is the second time that she attended the 3pm service with me.

I just couldn't be happier.

Today's message at church says if the love of the Lord is in you, you wanted to tell everyone because God's love is so great that when you receive it there is nothing left to do but give it away, share it and spread it.

The love that I received from the lover of my soul is so great and magnificent and I wanted everyone to taste the difference of having a personal and intimate relationship with Him. For my friends who doesn't share the same Faith that I have for the lover of my soul whom I invite once in a while to attend Sunday services, retreats and other church events, please note that I only wanted to share with you the intense joy I have in my heart because of the God I serve.

I've been asking Mama to attend with me at CCF for the longest time. Once in a while she'd say yes, mostly because I will be singing at the stage. She went to attend the first Cantata I did for CCF in December 2007 and a few Sundays where I was part of the choir singing back-up during worship service. But these two Sundays, she attended with me. We were both worshippers and I just can't deny the different joy it made me feel to worship the Lord with the persons you love most.

At the end of the day, that's my ultimate dream. To worship my one perfect king with my entire family, friends and everyone I know.

Anyway, let me tell you about the woman who carried me in her womb for nine months.

She isn't perfect. She did not go to college, did not go to work to earn a living for us, left me and my brothers to my dad when they separated...

...but she is the type of mom who humbled herself and gave up her four children to the man she married but left her to make sure that her children gets the best education that she will not be able to afford.
...she's the woman who waits in the school gate for hours so she can spend a few hours with her baby girl (ako yun) after school.
...she's the mother who does not scold her children in front of other people
...she's the type who did not question me when I came home crying one day (when my ex left me). Instead, she went inside my room quietly and seeing me still crying in my bed, she just lay beside me and hugged me real tight.
...when she sensed that I am in a bad mood, she will leave me to cool down before she initiates a conversation so we don't clash.
...she did not lash out to my brother when she read the letter my kuya left inside her bible telling her he impregnated his girlfriend. Instead, she offered her full support and took care of the baby when she came out.
...when she was in the hospital, she still took the time to ask about the laundry, if I still have clothes to wear for work, if my brother eats, if her mom has money to eat
...when she found out how much the bill was running in the hospital and that I was asking all my friends for help, she grabbed my hands and said sorry her sickness is putting me to such an ordeal.
...she's always in a cheerful mood and her friends who visited in the hospital, most I haven't seen in a long time, all said that my mom's presence puts a smile in their faces.
...like a kid, she will joke around and laughs to joke as easily as I do (I guess I got that from her)

In short, like most moms, she does nothing but gives as much as she can; loves as fiercely as she could; and cares as deeply as she could.

Someday she will leave me with no wealth to pass on, no magnificent jewelries to give away, no house and lot titles to transfer to her children. But her greatest legacy that I will never forget is that she loves silently, bears our worries and just simply made me the person that I am today, because of how she took care of me.

In our household, we aren't the showy and emotional people. I guess that's why I can write effectively because I rarely say my emotions out loud.

But recently, due to the recent happening in my mom's life, I learned to tell her I love her so much. I started to pray for her, beside her, instead of just praying for her in the isolation of my own room. And today at the church service, when Pastor Bong asked all the moms to get up, I held my mom's hands as hard as I could as I lay my other hand on her shoulder and prayed with Pastor Bong thanking God for the mothers given to us. It was a special prayer for me as I finally understood the severity of how my mom took care of me and my brothers and knowing I almost lost her, I can't stop the tears from falling as I thank God even more that finally I am worshiping with my mom.

Nothing beats that. I just couldn't be happier right now.

"Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
- Proverbs 31:29-30

the nightmare is officially over... prayer # 11, 2009

I haven't been writing. Sometimes I get lost for words. The magnitude of the blessings I got and the lessons learned from what my mom had to go through left me at lost for words to describe how the Lord showed that He is in control.
But let me try anyway :)
So it's been almost two weeks since my mom has finally been discharged from the hospital. Just three days short of commemorating the day we rushed her to the hospital. That was a total of 27 days filled with tears, fears, worries, anxiousness, faith, hope and love. Emotions that held me captive. But now that it's over, I honestly find myself a bit drained. Lost, even.
But of course I will be forever grateful to my Lord for seeing me through. Me, my mom and my entire family. Guess what, I went with my mom for her first check-up since her discharge yesterday. We visited three doctors and all are just happy to see my mom on her feet walking and sitting across them at their clinics. Instead of seeing her lying on the hospital room for days. Hearing the doctors saying that she looks normal enough and tests are normal too makes me marvel at it all. I remember that particular Saturday morning with tears streaming down my face as the doctor urges me to go talk to my mom in her comatose state and say my goodbyes...
Clearly, no one can tell the future but the God I serve.
So, as I end this blog series of my mom's struggle to fight her illness and my own family's struggle to cope with the huge hospital fees, I want to express my thanks to everyone who prayed, who texted, who gave money, who loaned me money, who brought me food... everyone of you who cared enough... you are appreciated. I've been telling my mom about each of you and she is amazed that people who hasn't even met her have all unselfishly helped. From me and my entire family, I have nothing to say but a prayer...

Heavenly Father, You know each and everyone who choose to be involved with me and my family during this time. Please remember them and repay what I cannot repay. Bless them mightily, Lord and give back the blessings they shared hundred fold.

As for me and my family, I pray that the lessons learned from all this will forever be in our hearts. The strength I got from You, my Lord may never leave me. The faith that is in me may never waver and the love that I receive may forever be above all other emotions.

Lord, you know what is in my heart. Heal me of whatever is lurking there that I know is there. Amen.

the nightmare is almost over... prayer # 10, 2009

There is always a light at the end of a tunnel. My Saturday nightmare of fourteen days ago is almost over. Thanks to everyone praying. It is official, my mom survived her near miss of having a dissecting aorta aneurysm. She stayed for 10 days at Makati Med's Medical ICU room 15 and later on moved to a female ward for full recovery. As of this writing, she is still there, actually. But three of out of her four doctors have given their "yes" to discharge. So I am pretty sure that in the next few days her ordeal is done. Yey! What a great God I serve, He made all things possible. In most cases of what Mama had, the patient would be long gone by now. But look at her, very much alive, alert and can't wait to get her serving of Halo-Halo with ice cream on top!

It was a harrowing experience. There were a lot of sleep deprivation, mental torture and buckets of tears shed. But I held on and survived with my mom. A lot of people have commented on the strength I seem to posses and being able to go through all this still on my two feet. The answer to that is easy. I chose to give up everything to my God as I sit back and watch Him do His work. 1 Peter 5:7 says Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. And I did just that.

But then again, I am a mere human and still stumble at times. There were moments that I let my mind worry. Especially now that she is out of danger. Because now is the time that I need to face another big problem: Where do I get the hundreds of thousands of peso I need to completely pay off Makati Med for their wonderful work of taking care of Mama? We do have a health care insurance from work. But at the rate of Makat Med's exorbitant fees, we maxed out the limit on our health card by third day alone.

So what do I do with this? Pray of course! :) If anything, the biggest take-away out of this entire experience is to completely surrender, exceedingly trust and fervently pray. You know what a prayer does? It calms the way-wired mind, soothes the beating heart and comforts the tormented spirit.

God in His magnificence is showing me how He could just provide for my needs. He's using the people around me. I am so humbled to share that I have friends and colleagues who care enough to share their own blessings. Thank you, you know who you are, for spearheading the collection at the office... from RFS IT, LTDM and even Customer Care. All of you who took the initiative and shared my burden, I am forever grateful and will never forget this act of kindness.

Yesterday, I partially paid some of the amount due to us. I am still six-digits short! But I trust that I'll get pass this...

So now, please pray some more! Help me pray for the Lord's financial provision. I've exhausted all the possible ways to raise funds. That includes letting go of some of my treasured stuff (huhuhu... goodbye iPhone) and re-drafting our future based on this circumstance. We'll have to move to a lower-rental-cost apartment soon to get things back to normal. But that is okay. This is a mere test. And I am not failing it. :)

We are exploring the PCSO possibilities. Oh Lord, will you just touch the heart of whoever will be handling our case and through PCSO provide the rest of the funds I need? Please pray that our application to PCSO for financial assistance will be granted and in a timely manner too. We are also seeking help from the local government of Makati. Other than these... you have other ideas? :)

Father God, I just thank and praise you for your goodness and mercy. You allowed this to befall us and I accept that this is Your will and I am putting my full trust in You. Lord, you know that we are in dire need of financial help. Thank you Lord for all the blessings I've received so far through my friends and colleagues. Will you please bless each one of them? Repay what I couldn't repay. Remember them as you bestow your blessing and may they see You in all these.

I also lift-up to you my father and brother in US. You know exactly in what financial state they are in. I know they are heavily burdened that they could not support us in this struggle. Please calm their hearts as well, Lord. If they will not be able to shoulder some of the expense because of their own financial struggle, please equip me more with the strength I need as I face this alone.

I just can't thank you enough Lord for blessing me with the work I have. Thank you for putting me in an organization with people who emphatize and extend help. I could not be in a better place than where I am today. I realize Lord that You do have a reason for everything.

Thank you Lord for the lessons I got from this ordeal. May this leave an imprint in my heart that I may forever remember how good You are and how well-taken cared of I am.

I love you, my father in heaven and I cast all my cares on you. Amen.

love story from MICU14

I was asleep at the waiting area at the ICU hallway in Makati Med on Monday night. There can only be one visitor per ICU room so since my cousin traveled all the way from Bulacan to be with Mama, I let her take care of Mama for the night while I stay out in case she needs my help. For some freaking reason, Makati Med decided to have the airconditioning unit turned on at full blast that night. I was freezing cold, I couldn't stop my eyes from dropping as I felt my entire body go on hibernate-mode.
A few hours later, I drowsily opened my eyes and scurrying the place, I saw the old man seated at the far end of the same bench I was seated on. Hmmmm... I've seen this man since Day 1 and he already had the same shirt on. I wonder what is ailing his patient.
As I was stretching at my corner, he rosed from his own sleep and looked at me. I smiled at him politely and went on to my stretching. Then he spoke and started a conversation...
I learned that it was his wife at MICU14, the next door room from Mama. He went on to tell the story of how they came about in Makati Med. He said that his wife was initially confined in the hospital on March 12. But they went out on March 14 because the following day, on the 15th, they are getting married. Again. To celebrate their golden anniversary. Wow, I said. That's so sweet. But on the 16th, they had to go back to Makati med for a series of dialysis. I honestly forgot what exactly was the problem with his wife, though I think it has something to do with the heart too.
Anyway, he went on to continue his story saying on the 25th, his wife was to be discharged from the hospital however, her doctors wanted to change the location where the dialysis is being done (from her sides up to her shoulders). I didn't know why is that and I didn't asked. I just let the old man tell his story as he reminisce on the recent events.
Sadly, that same day that his wife was to be discharged, she had a heart attack and was immediately confined in the ICU. Since then she hasn't regained consciousness and stayed dreamless in her comatose state.
I was both sad and happy with that fact. Sad that the old man had to see her wife in that state and happy that my own mom regained consciousness from a coma in just a matter of hours.
Anyway, the old man just went on to tell more of his story, their family life, their children. I listened intently as I hear the love in every word he utters. How deeply he cares for his wife. Towards the end of his story he told me that he doesn't want to go home to Antipolo, even to change clothes nor eat. His grandchildren goes to the hospital to bring him food. He said he wanted to stay at his wife's side because he wants to be there when she finally opens her eyes. His words were "Gusto ko pag gising nya nasa tabi nya ako para mapatunayan kong mahal ko sya."
Awwwww. Hearing those words from a 72 year old man, married for 50 years and having had two wedding ceremony to the same woman, I was just amazed that such a love exists. I got goosebumbs as I told him "Wow naman po..."
I also told him a bit of mama's condition and he reassured me saying just to keep on praying. Funny how the relatives of the patients in the ICU ward will share stories of their patients and draw strength from each other :)
After that conversation, whenever I'd see him walking really slow with his pillow as he goes to his wife and go back to the waiting area where he eats his food, we'd acknowlege each other with a nod and an encouraging smile. On Wednesday morning, I was in Mama's ICU room. I saw him pass by through the glass doors and he even waved at me. The following morning, I saw him walking and somehow I sensed that he looked really sad.
A few hours later, my brother told me "Namatay na yun pasyente sa 14..." I was overcome with sadness as I realized that the old man will never see his wife's smile again.
Stories like this makes me want to weep with sadness. And to think that the old man was so looking forward to seeing his wife open her eyes so he can still "prove his love" for her. I mean after two wedding ceremonies, you'd think your wife is 100% sure that you are faithfully inlove with her.
What a love story. Though with a sad ending, I want a love story like that. To be able to grow old together with one man. To be able to celebrate fifty years of togetherness. To be loved by a man who's main concern is to prove his love for his wife...
Awwwww...

blessings from MICU15... a reflection for the Holy Week

There is always a good side to every story. The situation that me and my family are in right now, no matter how dim it is, still have some good and light side to it.

I am a firm believer that my Lord and savior knows exactly what He is doing and no matter how hard it is to accept His ways, I will just gladly relent and see how his magnificence will manifest itself.

If anything, this situation just ushered me in closer to the lover of my soul. From Day 1, I've been crying out to Him to give me strength to go through this. And my faith in Him never wavered. Even when the doc was telling me point blank that I may lose my mom in the next few hours, my heart was grieving but my mind is begging God to give me strength.

This ordeal made me realize that I have so much blessing in my life and first of, it is to know that my family, though we are no longer living in one house and though I actually belong to
the "broken family" category, we are all together through thick or thin. After I woke up my younger brother on Saturday morning, I immediately called my 2nd elder brother. I just had to tell him the words mama and Makati Med and he said he'll meet me there. Sure enough he was there just a few minutes after we arrived. Then looks like he immediately informed my third brother, who is now living in Quezon and he decided to travel to Manila to be with Mama. When the doc was telling me Mama's bleak future, I called my Papa in US and later on my eldest brother called up as well.

I love the family I am in, regardless of everyone's iniquities. We are not very open emotionally with each other but in times like this, even without words, I can feel each one's overflowing love and concern with each other.

That is blessing #1 amidst this storm: My broken but intact family

Next on my list are the people around me. I again realized that I am very much loved and cared for by my friends and officemates and church mates. All I had to do is send a message and immediately there are people who takes the time to text back, some even called and cried with me on the phone and those that took the time to travel all the way to Makati just to be with me and to pray with me.

Thanks to friends (Mimi, Dgroup sisters, Cicelle, Mher, Ayie, Pen) who brought me food; thanks to Eric and Ry who did not bring me food but made sure I had a dinner before they left on Sunday-we all went to Tokyo Tokyo to eat; thanks to Ate Rona who sent a fruit and flower basket in behalf of CCF; thanks to those who went to Makati Med but I did not see because I was at home (B1, Kuya Lawrence, Coney, Cathy's parents); thanks to my friends abroad who still took the time to text me and let me know they are praying for Mama (my PnB friends) and thanks to Ry who obliged himself to be with me even through text the night I was all alone taking care of Mama...

There were a lot of people to thank for and I may not be able to list everyone's good deed to me here in this blog, but you are all in my heart and I pray to my Father in heaven that He will
just bless you more.

Kuya Jomar visited me on Tuesday (or was it Wednesday, I lost track of time already). Thank you for taking the time off work to come see me and we had a lengthy conversation, I was filling him with the nightmare I am in and also telling him the Lord's goodness in me during this time. Jokingly I told him that the reason I texted almost eveyone in my phone book on Saturday is because, I remember a saying that says "The prayers of a righteous person avail much..." (The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. - James 5:16) So I was thinking, there must be at least one righteous person out of the 100 who pledged to pray for my mom :)

That was blessing#2: Friends

I felt the Lord working in me. Day 1, though my strength is in Him, I was crying heavily. Those who visited on the first day saw my eyes really puffy and red and I hardly ate anything. Whenever Mama's BP will shoot up to 200/100 or so, I was immediately at her side, begging God not to take her away yet.

Even on the 2nd day, when Mama again had an high BP attack, I was crying. Especially when the doctors asked me to decide whethere I wanted to sign a DNR (Do not resuscitate) or if I
authorize them to revive Mama if her vital stats go down to zero.

But on the third day, I was calm and composed, as Mama had another one of those attacks. The prayers of my dgroup sisters and FMM family when they visited on the first two days are
already working. My eyes are now dry and my mind has blocked off the unlikely sight of losing Mama. I was confident then that she will make it. The big progress in her condition assured me that my Lord is working. I just needed to trust completely and be still.

My third blessing is the time in my hands to commune with the lover of my soul. And it's fitting too, since it's the holy week. A perfect time to reminisce on the Lord's faitfulness.

On the nights that I was inside Mama's room at MICU15, my bible is my companion. I chose to read the book of Job and I got the comfort I needed that God has a grand plan for everything. I flipped through Psalm 91 and was reassured that if we love the Lord, He will rescue us and be with us and will protect us. I scanned through the pentateuch (the first five books) and I just marveled on God's sovereignty and finally, I read through Joshua's book and read this:

"Not one of all the Lord's good promises to the house of Israel failed;
every one was fulfilled."
-Joshua 21:45

It was just comforting to know that I am serving a God who is faithful in fulfilling His promises.

The last blessing I will list today, though really I have so much more, is the gift of hope. Today as I stayed home to relax and reflect this Good Friday, I read a very inspiring message from Francis Kong's website, where he said "The empty tomb is the great message of hope. Death has been conquered and when faith is place on the death Conqueror then life is found. Resurrection Sunday reminds us that God has the last word. So don’t give up hope."

Today I am reminded that my Lord and savior chose to die on the cross to save us from sins and He will rise up on Easter to be a good news to us all. And knowing that fact alone, dims everything else. Yes, I am begging God to extend Mama's life. Yes, I am holding on to His promises that all I need is to ask and I shall receive. Yes, I am thankful for all the blessings I received. But all those fall to a mere second to the most important thing of all: To worship the lover of my soul. 

"I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness
of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord."
-Philippians 3:8

saturday nightmare

Saturday morning, I went home from Friday shift at 5:30 in the morning. Mama was already awake and so while I was playing Mafia Wars, we were chatting and when I told her I am going to bed, she told me she will go out for the day and visit friends in Marikina. Nothing unusual in that so I said "okay."

An hour later, Mama was standing at the foot of my bed, shaking me to wake up. I did and I saw her sat down with fists clutched to her chest. At first I just went to her and was rubbing her arms. I wasn't still completely awake from my slumber so it hasn't sank in how seriously she was having difficulty in breathing. After about five minutes, I think, it finally dawned on me that she was in excruciating pain.

My adrenalin shoot up and I rushed to the other room to wake up my brother so we can bring mama to the hospital. In ten minutes we were out of the house, thanks to the help of my neighbors in bringing mama down from our second floor flat and driving us to Makati Med, ER.

That's how our current predicament started.

Later on in the ER, I would have the hardest conversation in my entire life. As if reliving a scene from "House," the surgeon who is checking on Mama, ushered me and my brother to one of the deserted offices there. I could already feel my blood draining from my face and my own chest feels like it is tightening and I myself am having difficulty breathing. With labored breath, I followed the doc and Kuya to the room and sat on one of the chairs.

In a daze and tear-streaked face, I listened as the doctor painted the bleakest picture of my mom... He said Mama had a "dissecting aorta aneurysm." In my brain, aneurysm is equal to life-threatening condition and true enough, doc said my mom is currently on what we wish we'll only hear in the movies, "50-50 condition." Options such as surgery that guarantees only 10% of survival rate were discussed, along with the hefty amount of how much such a surgery will cost. Words such as "critical," "mortality rate," "comatose," "DNR (Do Not Resuscitate)" were being used casually.

Prior to the doctor talking to me and Kuya, I was already praying hard to God that whatever ails mama will just be temporary, like what happened in January. And being a believer of how prayer works wonders, I started texting almost everyone in my phonebook. I think I started texting at around 12 and those who got my messages will see the progressiveness of Mama's condition as I report everything the docs told me. At first they wanted to open up Mama, that's why I started begging everyone to please donate blood... and later on my text message would say she was already in a coma and might not even make it...

All those happened on Saturday. It's now Thursday and I am just awed and humbled to report that my Lord and Savior has been working miraculously in Mama's life. Even her cardiologist was amazed on her turnaround after just 24 hours of medication on Sunday. As of today, day 6 of her confinement in MICU15 at Makati Med, she is looking and feeling way, way better. She is fully aware and 100% conscious. She feels every bit of the pain the tubes do to her now. It's not a lovely sight but just knowing she is still alive and is fighting for her life is something that I'll forever be grateful to my God for.

However, this does not discount the fact that the torn aorta is still torn, and unless a surgery is done, it will remain open. But I am putting my trust to the Greatest Healer, Jehovah Rapah, my Lord and Savior that He will patch it up miraculously so mama will be 100% fully recovered in no time.

The doctors hasn't discussed any other options about that. They are currently preoccupied stabilizing Mama's heart rate, oxygen intake and BP(blood pressure). Where BP remains to be erratic where she gets sudden attacks showing a BP reading as high as 228/155 (the highest I've seen) and as low as 46/22. Aside from the BP, she is constantly nursing a fever averaging at 38 degrees celsius and is constantly complaining of the heat, where in fact, the room temperature in her ICU room is already really cold, as it forces me to wear two jackets. Her room is the only room in the ICU ward that has an electric fan. Yesterday, she was suddenly in chills. As the coldness of the ice packs given to her to bring down her temperature crept into her body so we had to warm her up by covering her with two blankets, my jackets and a spotlight. Aside from this, she is also coughing up phlegm and so they had to suction those fluids out of her lungs every now and then. She is now being fed through the tube attached through her nose so that is a great relief to her since the first three days she had nothing to eat and thus constantly complain of being hungry.

Regardless of all that, I am still positive that she will make it and we'll just have to continue praying for her fast recovery. God has already blessed us with Mama waking up from a coma on the first day so I don't doubt He can do so much more.

Please join me in praying for a miracle!

"For He wounds, but He also binds up;
He injures, but His hands also heal."
- Job 5:18

continuing the journey (My Salvation Story - Part 2)

Without knowing anyone in CCF, I signed up to join the three-days retreat in Caliraya. I didn't know how I ended up paying the registration fee. In a daze, I just knew I needed something new in my life.

So bravely, on the morning of the first day of retreat, I approached the buses parked in front of St Francis Square. I was totally clueless. I remember approaching a guy holding a guitar standing in front of the bus door and I shyly asked "Eto po ba yung sa One Way retreat?" He smiled at me encouragingly and told me I need to register first at the 5th flr. So I dragged my big bag and went up.

All the while, I am already praying to God, asking Him to take care of me because I don't know a single soul at the time. Thank God for answering my prayers because from there my journey began. Looking back, I can only say God orchestrated everything, and He did it with great care, with loving guidance and with great humor.

After I registered at the 5th floor, I went down again and approached the first bus I saw. Even before I stepped on the bus, my first blessing came in: A woman approached me and asked me if I am attending the retreat. I said yes. She asked me if I'm with someone. I said I don't even know anybody else. She then told me her niece is also attending and that it's her first time to attend such a retreat and that she's all alone too. Then she asked me if it's okay with me to buddy up with her niece. Of course I told her yes! The retreat hasn't even started and yet God is already showing me that He is taking care of me. Isn't it wonderful how He made sure I have someone to talk to in the bus to put me at ease?

Remember what I said about me cursing all the Chinese people I see when my broke up first happened? God have an amazing way of working that out in my life.

The woman's niece is the first friend I'd ever know in the retreat. Her name is Jojie Kho. (Yes... a Chinese surname! And she's fair-skinned too and have chinky eyes) Of course by this time I've already resolved in myself that not all Fil-Chi are the same as my ex's mom, though I still harbor a little hatred stuck in the corners of my heart. I just found it rather funny that God will send someone like her to be my first friend. There were a lot of genuine Filipinas out there too!

Through Jojie Kho, I would meet two other ladies, both equally fair-skinned and chinky-eyed. Yes, both have Chinese blood running through their veins. Jheny Yap and Jen King. All four of us became inseparable during the retreat. I remember texting my friend then, saying “Ang kulit ni Lord, He led me to three FIl-Chinese friends.” I know God was humoring me then. He knows I built a fortress in my heart barring all Chinese-looking people to enter but He just used the same object of my hatred to humble me and show me that He is in control.

I would love to tell the rest of the story in great detail. But to make it short, the second turning point in my Christian life was when Tony dela Paz discussed the Cross in one of the modules of the one way retreat. I remember crying the entire time as I finally understood the depth of what the Lord Jesus has done to save me. I remember flinching as I watch the video showing His passion, knowing very well that my sins put Him through such an ordeal.

After those three days in Caliraya, I left the One Way retreat with the full knowledge on how great God is and with the assurance that I am important to Him and no matter how many Chinese moms tell me that I am nothing but a helper in their eyes and no fit for her son, I know I am a princess in my Lord’s eyes.

That started my involvement in the Music Ministry. I was suddenly burdened to serve. To be used for God's glory. Even as a Catholic, I’ve always dreamed of being a part of the choir. But I am very much aware that I have a mediocre voice. But one thing I realized is that when you have the desire to serve the Lord in one area and you have a passion to pursue it, He will make a way for you to serve Him gladly. He has that much power to equip you. The most important thing is that you just offer your time to the Lord and He will do the rest. I began to realize the fact that everything on this earth belongs to Him. My life, my talents, all of me. I have nothing to offer Him that He does not own already. Except for my time. That is the only area where I have full control of. How to use my time and since then, I committed all of me to him.

In July of 2007, for the first time, I sang on stage as one of the prompters in the Tagalog Service. And since then, I found my greatest joy on earth: To sing praises to the lover of my soul, Jesus Christ.

As with all born again Christians getting to know the Lord deeper, I began to feel the changes in me. The hatred in my heart started to melt and I gained back the confidence to be friend other people, Chinese people included. And one of the startling changes in me, believe it or not, is the way I look physically. Since then, I would always hear a compliment that I am looking way better now than I did ever before. Of course, I went to salons to have my hair done and I actually pursued boxing to slim down but the truth of the matter is, it is all God’s doing. Now, I realize that when you have Christ in you, His glory shines its brightest that you just exude a radiance that people notice. There is just a different glow in you.  

In John 16:22 Jesus said, “Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.”

That time in my life was definitely a time of grief. It is still at the top of my list of the saddest moments I’ve ever had. I mourned for the loss of the only man I ever loved, I cried over the memories that continue to haunt me and I grieved over my own iniquities. But now, I can honestly say that I have found my true joy in Jesus. With Him, I will be forever satisfied.

Of course, my journey does not end there. It will only get more challenging and I’ve had a number of ups and downs since then. I still stumble, I still have some doubts, sometimes I still question God but our relationship started there at the retreat. Jesus became real to me and I just find myself confiding in Him more than I ever did. Knowing the real Jesus did not make me a perfect christian overnight. Until now I am relying to His everlasting grace in my everyday life.

But that episode in my life forever changed me. I now hold no grudge nor hatred towards my ex nor to any member of his family. But it was a very long process. It’s been two years. It took me that long to finally sit down and write all these. And guess what, I may have felt a pinch in my heart as I recall the scenes of my past life but I can honestly say I have moved on completely and I can only say thanks to my ex and to his entire family for teaching me the following things: (1) That I only need Jesus in my life (2) God uses the most unpleasant experiences in our life to draw us near to Him (3) No matter how deep the wound is, the lover of my soul can heal it completely (4) I learned to pray really hard and understood the importance of setting a quiet time with the Lord (5) I learned to give thanks in all circumstances. As it says in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

where it all started (My Salvation Story - Part 1)

My salvation story isn't a jaw-dropping amazing story like most of the sharers I seem to hear in Sunday Services. I don't have abusive parents, I don't have drug-addicted brothers, no life-threatening diseases and I don't even smoke.

I've led a pretty much boring life. I've been a goody-two-shoes student, an always-present-in-Catholic-Sunday-Masses person and have never intentionally hurt anyone. I took my schooling in a private catholic school for girls. We have Friday masses. I was sometimes tasked to do the bible readings during mass. We hold a bible study every month during my junior and senior year in high school. I joined the animators club who confidently stand in front of the entire student body and do the action to certain Christian songs such as "Shine Jesus Shine”. I was an active member of our organization called "Children of Mary." I dutifully wear the medallion to school every day. I pray before I go to sleep and if I remember it, I say my grace before I eat.

So all along I thought I was okay.

Then I entered my junior year in College and met the person who would save and hurt me. My now ex-boyfriend saved me when he shared the gospel to me. First he invited me to attend the Sunday Service at GCM. Then followed a series of talks about our religion, including a lengthy phone conversation that lasted until the wee hours of the morning where I was indignantly defending my faith and the need to worship Mother Mary. To make the long story short, I was eventually convicted and through what became a regular Sunday service date with the Lord, I accepted him, the true Him, as my personal Lord and savior and I began to believe that He is the only way to heaven because He died for my sins and rose again. What a great news!

That should have been the end to my salvation story. But no, God was working amazingly in my life. For six and a half years of being together with my ex-boyfriend, combined with regular Sunday services, one retreat, a water baptism, a regular cell group meeting and six sessions of nurture class studying the biblical foundation of our Faith... I thought I am perfectly well in my Christian walk.

But I chose to be blinded by the sin that started to creep in slowly in our relationship. We were always making compromises and on his part, he started to disobey his parents.

By the way, my ex was a Filipino-Chinese and though his immediate family has been a Christian for a long time already, they didn't like me for my ex. For six years, we've battled and fought for our relationship. Though his family has never really mistreated me vis-a-vis, I've heard of their degrading comments such as calling me a "wanapo." In a Chinese household, that refers to the helper. In a Filipino household, a mere "katulong."

In January of 2007, I started to see changes in my ex. He started to look for things that I lack and things that I will never have. For six years he didn't mind our social gap. Him, belonging to the upper class society and me stuck in my average-income-generating household. And not only that, for some reason, he didn't mind my big eyes, morena complexion and chubby built during our six years in a relationship. But all of a sudden, he started coaxing me to go on a diet, take whitening pills and study mandarin.

He is "requesting" that I change. For his mom.

To say that I was insulted is an understatement. But because of my love for him, I did what he told me to do. I started taking whitening pills, we enrolled in a basic mandarin class and I started lessening my food in take.

But in February of 2007, a few days before I celebrated my birthday, he said he can't take the pressure from home anymore and so he hurt me big time when he broke up with me.

I fought and insisted we can work it out. I swore I'll be slim and will be fluent in mandarin. I promised to do whatever it takes as long as he does not leave me. In a last desperate attempt, I went with his family on a trip to Malaysia in March.

We've actually have that trip scheduled way back in November of 2006. But when he first broke up with me in February 2007, I initially said I will not join that trip anymore, obviously! But he was still a little confused at the time and begged me to come to Malaysia anyway as a last attempt to get to know his mom.

So I did.

I spent seven days with him, his mom, his brother and his two aunties. They were courteous enough and I'd say we even enjoyed touring the city. Me and my ex would still walk hand in hand and take pictures together. I thought it was going well. But on our fifth night, two nights before we go back to manila, I had the hardest conversation in my entire life.

I was seated in the dining table across my ex's mom. My ex and his brother were seated in the living area, just a few steps away from the dining table, watching a local Malaysian channel. Suddenly his mom started the conversation... "Alam mo, Jeliene, nahihirapan ako sayo..." From those words sprang all the things that a girlfriend wouldn't wish to hear from her boyfriend's mom. I vaguely remember it now but I do remember it was then that his mom explained to me that she doesn't think I am good enough for his son. She pointed out all my faults. My family background, my separated parents, the money I earn at work, my inability to speak Chinese... she even went as far as pointing out that I have a hideously looking chubby legs and big butt and big eyes and that my skin isn't as fair as hers. Yes, I was crying in front of her. I mean, who wouldn't? My heart couldn't take all that in so I resolved to crying. Oh yes, my ex and his brother were still watching the TV set all this while. But I'd say they were probably more interested in the conversation going on in the dining area.

Of course, I fought feebly. I muttered a few defenses that I hardly recall now. I insisted I have a Chinese surname and that should count for something. I said I can learn to speak Mandarin.. In fairness to his mom, she wasn't shouting at me then. She was so composed, as if talking to a mere child. And towards the end, she said I may still be "okay" for his son, if only I enroll in John Robert Powers finishing school, I continue studying mandarin, I go on a diet and take more whitening pills. In short, she wants a magic to work and change me completely.

Looking back, I can only thank God for keeping me sane and for keeping me composed. I did not lash out to her and we were able to remain civil for one more day and one more night in Malaysia until the travel back to Manila.

Of course, what happened next is that my ex has officially left me. My entire six years and seven months of building my life around him has just suddenly disappeared. The dreams I was nursing in my head all vanished. The time I spent in that relationship has now gone to waste.

I succumbed to a depression and hatred has seeped in my heart. I started to curse all the fair-skinned and chinky eyed individuals I see. (Yes, I am referring to Chinese people) Can you blame me? I felt as if I just experienced first hand what San Chai did in my favorite Taiwanese drama, Meteor Garden.

I stopped going to church. I stopped reading the bible. I even stopped praying.

But God has other plans for me. He used my friend, to remind me that He exists and that He is Faithful and that He loves me. My friend invited me to attend a Sunday Service in CCF in April. Of course, I felt the Lord when I attended the Sunday service with her but the first turning point in my life was when I attended the service all by myself the following Sunday. I remember seating at the back and dutifully I stood during praise and worship. I remember it was Chuck and Coco leading the Praise & Worship then and they sang my now salvation song "All for Love." It was then that I really opened my heart to God and surrendered all my cares on Him. I was unmindful of the people around me. I was crying and talking to God, asking Him why He allowed all that to happen...

After that particular Sunday service, I felt the thirst to get to know the Lord more. When I stepped out of the auditorium, I saw the booth for the Encounter 1 - One Way Singles Retreat. On an impulse, I signed up and my life was never the same again.

** Thanks to our FMM assignment, I finally had a chance to put my salvation story in black and white. This is rather long so I'm cutting it here. Will continue the second part tomorrow **

Q1 2009 in review

Time check... (or day check) It's May 22 and I've been to how many places and gimiks this year? or rather... how many out of town plans have I rejected? Huhuhu... It's just the first quarter of the year and yet I've turned down so many invitations! As I write, the entire HR team, Ms My and Francis and even Daddy Rafael is relaxing in Cebu! I should have been there too! Yesterday, instead of enjoying an overnight stay at Hacienda de Tolentino in Arayat, Pampanga I had to push myself to the limit and just have a "day tour" instead of overnight so I can be at prompting practice in CCF. Next week, my favorite travel buddies from RFS IT are going on a hike to Mt Pinatubo. Waaaaaa! I. Am. Jealous. Beyond words. :(

There was the Anawangin trip last Feb 14 that I was not able to join to, the Baguio trip I turned down last weekend, the Potipot trip with Mimi and her kids, the Coron plans with Ms My in May... the list seem to go on! List of places I missed and I will miss this year!

Waaaaaaa! I have to admit, I really am a bit sad that I was not able to be part of all these. However, as what I told Ms My earlier at ym, this is a year of humility and discipline to me in terms of my finances. Hayyyy, being disciplined is never easy. But we need that once in a while so we can grow in character.

Actually, the real reason why I am turning down all these, aside from the very obvious reason that I really need to cut down on my expenses is because I am hindering myself from missing out on ministry and my sunday dates with the lover of my soul. Missing the sunday service is now totally out of the question. I guess I was really convicted when we discussed the sabbath in one of our FMM dgroup devotions.

So at the end of the day, I guess after being hit with the initial jealousy attacks that I was not able to be part of a gimik, it is okay. I have my goal to focus on: to grow more in my christian walk. I know some of my friends does not understand this. They just can't figure out why I can't take a rest from ministry and join them. I don't blame them since last year I said yes to wherever they ask me to go to. I wasn't attending ministry at the time, I was okay not attending even the sunday services and I wasn't doing my quiet time.

And look at where it lead me to. I just inflicted hurt upon myself. I was lead to believe lies and even committed sins. It never fails. When I am out of touch with the lover of my soul, I am a disaster waiting to happen. If I could change anything at all in 2008, that was to never miss ministry, never miss on dgroup, never miss on sunday services and most of all, never miss on praying unceasingly.

I just thank the Lord on how faithful He is. He picked me up (again) in the deep pit I was into. Though I have my future before me which is tainted with the stigma of sin and laden with more promises of discipline for my previous wrong doings, I am ready. Even if that would mean less travels for me, less photo-ops, less gimiks... I am ready.

In the recent weeks that I have been studying the bible seriously, I am reminded of my purpose here on earth. It's not about me. It's about Him. I am created for His purpose. My life he owns and so I submit.

Living in this world, that is never easy. I've heard the comments of some of my friends on my firm decision of "absolutely no gimiks in weekends." They've made a big joke out of it too and I think in their minds, I am turning out to be a freak... a Jesus freak. But who cares? I wish they'd just try to meet and get to know the lover of my soul and they'd understand. :)

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire beside you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
- Psalm 73:25-26

into the Potter's Hand

* shared by Rei via sametime and email :)

A Little Teacup Story

A couple vacationing in Europe went strolling down a little street and saw a quaint little gift shop with a beautiful teacup in the window. The lady collected teacups and she wanted this one for her collection, so she went inside to buy the teacup, and as the story goes the teacup spoke and said:

"I want you to know that I have not always looked like this. It took the process of pain to bring me to this point. You see, there was a time when I was just clay and the Master came and he pounded me and he squeezed me and he kneaded me and I screamed: "STOP THAT!". But he just smiled and said, "Not yet."

Then he took me and put me on the shelf and I went round and round and round and round... and while I was spinning and getting dizzier and dizzier I screamed again and I said, "Please get me off this thing... please get me off!!!" And the Master was looking at me and he was smiling, as he said, "Not yet."

Then he took me and walked toward the oven and shut the door and turned up the heat and I could see him through the window of the oven and it was getting hotter and hotter and I thought, "He's going to burn me to death!"

And I started pounding on the inside of the oven and I said, "Master, let me out, let me out, let me out!" and I could see that he was smiling as he said "Not yet." Then he opened the door and I was fresh and free and he took me out of the oven and he put me on the table and then he got some paint and a paintbrush.

He started dabbing me and making swirls all over me and I started to gag and I said: "Master, stop it... stop it... stop it please... you're making me gag". He just smiled as he said "not yet."

Then very gently he picked me up again and he started walking toward the oven and I said, "Master, NO!! Not again, pleeeease!!" He opened the oven door and he slipped me inside and he shut the door and this time he turned the heat up twice as hot as before and I thought, "He's going to kill me!!", and I looked through the window of the oven and I started to pound on it, saying, "Master... Master, please let me out... please let me out... let me out!"

I could see that he was smiling but I also noticed a tear trickle down his cheek as I watched him mouth the words, "Not yet!"

Just as I thought I was about to die, the door opened and he reached in ever so gently and took me out, fresh and free and he went and placed me on a high shelf and he said: "There, I have created what I intended. Would you like to see yourself?" I said, "Yes." He handed me a mirror and I looked and I looked again and I said, "That's not me, I'm just a lump of clay."

He said, "Yes, that IS you, but it took the process of pain to bring you to this place. You see, had I not worked you when you were clay, then you would have dried up.

If I had not subjected you to the stress of the wheel you would have crumbled. If I had not put you into the heat of the oven you would have cracked. If I had not painted you there would be no color in your life. But, it was the second oven that gave you the strength to endure. Now you are everything I intended you to be - from the beginning." And I, the teacup, heard myself saying something I never thought I would hear myself saying, "Master, forgive me, I did not trust you. I thought you were going to harm me, I did not know you had a glorious future and a hope for me. I was too shortsighted, but I want to thank you.

I want to thank you for the suffering. I want to thank you for the process of pain. Here I am! I give you myself - fill me; pour from me, use me as you see fit. I really want to be a vessel that brings you glory within my life."

Yet, O Lord, You are our Father; we are the clay,
and You our Potter, and we all are the work of Your hand.
- Isaiah 64:8

on Faith... Prayer # 7, 2009

Do you know that when you have concerns and issues battling in your mind and you seriously seek the Lord and cast all your cares upon Him, He does answer and does it consistently?

One of the things that is constantly in my mind lately is how do I move on from my recent heartache. How? Just that. I am already resigned with the idea that the Lord has just used that person to continuously mold me into His likeness. I'm past the denial stage, the bitter stage and is now truly in the acceptance stage. Next is Letting go stage. So in my quiet times I just ask God "Okay, how do I let go now? What do I need to do next?"

In my encounters with the Lord through the church messages, dgroup sessions and other readings, I see a consistency in the messages that is being drilled in my head.

CCF has started just recently finished on the series of Ephesians and for the past two Sundays have embarked on studying the book of Habakkuk. Our messages have been entitled "Honest Faith", "Expectant Faith". Point to remember: Faith is total dependence on God for salvation and survival.

Then during our Dgroup with Ate Rona last Friday, I learned that the second book of James is also centered on discussing Faith and remember that healthy debate we've had on the formula of Salvation. Also about Faith. Lessons learned from this session, click here!
This afternoon, Rei shared a very inspiring story to me about a teacup. Read here. It shows the story of a teacup questioning and complaining to his potter, only to find out later on that the processes it had to go through are necessary to make it into a teacup. Lesson: Have faith that your maker knows exactly what He is doing.

At 6:30 this evening, I attended another dgroup. I've been asked to join the BS Bank dgroup of Alvin and First and other bank employees within the makati business district. The invitation has been long given but it was just today that I was actually able to attend. What do you know? They are doing a series on James too. And yes, it was about Faith as well. Main take away: God is in control and is never late with His rewards.

I remember a sametime conversation I had with Ms My. One time she consulted me on some issues she had and I answered her based on what I know of the word. She told me that Ate Divine, her housemate who is also attending CCF, said the same thing I did. Then we both realize, God is very consistent in His teachings. He will never contradict Himself.

A topic on Faith will not be complete without its sister words such as Trust and Patience.
So today I am just very thankful that the lover of my soul is consistently telling me to just cast all my cares on Him and keep on, be patient and hold on to my Faith and just trust Him completely.

So about that concern I have? It's all yours, Lord! I know in Your perfect timing, You will just take away the pain. In fact, I'm feeling that it's being lifted already. I've already noticed changes in me with regard to this concern. I am so excited and looking forward to the day that it will just fade away into a mere memory.

As I go to sleep today, this is my prayer: (Again taken from Stormie Omartian's Power of a Praying Woman)

Lord, increase my faith. Teach me how to "walk by faith, not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:7). Give me strength to stand strong on Your promises and believe Your every word...
Make my faith increase every time I hear or read Your Word. Help me to believe for Your promises to be fulfilled in me...

I know "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen"
(Hebrews 11:1). I know I have been "saved through faith," and it is a gift from You
(Ephesians 2:8). Increase my faith so that I can pray in power...

Help me to take the "shield of faith" to "quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one" (Ephesians 6:16). Help me "to ask in faith, with no doubting."
Increase my faith daily so that I can move mountains in Your name.
Amen.

If you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain,
"Move from here to there," and it will move;
and nothing will be impossible for you.
- Matthew 17:20

When reason ends, Faith begins

I attended my first official dgroup tonight. (Last week was a celebration, this week we were down to business of studying THE book). At a few minutes after 6pm I was already on my way to the elevator and was really excited to catch a bus going to CCF. (Yes, I am on high again in wanting to get to know the lover of my soul more--just wish it stays that way forever!!!) By 7pm I was already walking towards Megamall Bldg B. I thought to drop by the supermarket first to grab a bag of chips to share to the group and get a dinner for myself. I left Megamall with Jamaican Pattie, two bags of chips, a juice drink and my all time favorite mints: Mentos. :)

So armed with food, my bible clasp in my arms, my joyous spirit and teachable heart, I walked towards St. Francis Square ready to dig deep into the word and take away wisdom. Ate Rona texted this morning that we are studying James. (Actually they have been studying James, it seems, I just found out that morning what it was.. Hehehe.. Ate Rona included me again in her regular text blast since I told her I am definitely coming this Friday)

When I entered our usual room at the third floor, just a handful of girls were there. Some are running late. I arrived just in time to eat my dinner and catch up with the latest news on each other. A few minutes later, we started. Then the fun began. :)

I just want to share that I learned a lot on my first session with my dgroup this year. I am so glad I am in this particular Firday night discussion. I just can't go to sleep without documenting the highlights of this night:

- We were reading James 2:1-13. A topic on favoritism. But on a broader light, it is about Faith

- Then we launched into a little debate about the formula on salvation. Our church firmly believes that Faith + Nothing = Salvation. But the formula does not end there. As a by product of being saved, you are expected to do good works. But doing good works alone will not save you. Check on this verse:

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves,
it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.
- Ephesians 2:8-9

Being a christian for almost eight years, I've never doubted that there is only one way in getting into heaven - through the lover of my soul: Jesus Christ. Once you have fully accepted the fact that we are all sinners but are washed clean by the blood of Our Lord, we are saved. Simple? No. It does not end there. Living a life of a christian is not hard. It is impossible. Man's human nature is to be tempted and to fall into sin. It is by God's grace alone that we are saved. And once we have fully and completely committed our lives to Christ, it is then that we are expected to start living according to His words. This is where doing good works come in.

This does not follow that as long as you say you believe and accepted Christ as your savior but refuse to do good works you are saved anyway. It simply does not follow that a true repentant born again will not do good works because if you truly surrender your life to Him, you will be overcome with so much love that you have no choice but to simply give it away.

What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds?
Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,"
but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?
In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
-James 2:14-17

- One of our sisters raised a concern on that, she still can't accept the fact that Salvation = Faith + Nothing. In her eyes, it will always be Salvation = Faith + Good works. We put in some time discussing on this. Everyone threw in their views, beliefs accompanied by bible verses. But in the end, we can't convince her. Though we were a little worried on this, I simply admired how she defended what she believes. Made me check myself if I was the one being challenged with my Faith, will I respond with the same conviction that she did?

- That made way for more challenging questions and discussions. And I am so blessed to hear my sisters throw an explanation back and forth. At first I was silent as I listened and wrote down notes (yes, I was recording most of what they were saying, I wanted to remember all of it!) then towards the end, I heard myself defending my Faith too.

- One of the questions that arise is... "What about the case of a Robin Hood? Meaning what if one person is super generous to everyone else like Robin Hood, he steals from the wealthy but gives it all away?" Answer: Our sovereign King is Holy and will never put Himself down to a lower standard. The end does not justify the means.

For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it. For he who said, "Do not commit adultery," also said,
"Do not murder." If you do not commit adultery but do commit murder,
you have become a lawbreaker.
-James 2:10-11

It was definitely a long and healthy discussion and I wish I could really write everything here but this blog is long enough. :) The night ended with me having the fire burning again. I'd like to compare what I felt to a newly born vampire - with unquenchable thirst for more knowledge about the lover of my soul.

This also left me with a great realization that truly, Faith begins where reason ends. I remember back in college a philosopher by the name of Sigmund Freud argued that the existence of God is just a creation of a man's mind driven by his psychological and emotional needs and wants. Someone very famous and influential today is saying the same thing. Have you heard of Oprah? She said, (I watched it in youtube) that man created god. I respect that everyone has their own minds and some smarter than others. I'd say most of the atheist that walks on this earth are probably geniuses who just have the answer to everything.

I thank God for giving me the mind that I have, I thank God that I am not intellectual enough to even question His very existence. I am just content as I am, with the knowledge that I have a loving savior who has saved me from eternal death.

Faith is to believe in something that we don't see.
And the reward for that Faith is to something that we believe.

** If you have questions that arise from reading this blog, you can ask me and I'll try to answer you with the limited knowledge that I have. I am still learning everyday. But you can start here, please go and visit this site  or join us every Sunday at St. Francis Square in Ortigas.

Yamete Kudasai... Prayer # 6, 2009

You know what is the hardest thing in moving on and letting go after a rejection?

No matter how much you try to really let go and start a new life, you can't seem to do so.

1. Either it's because there is a constant reminder right in front of your face

2. or you have people around you who constantly remind you of it and even makes a joke about it as if every word that comes out of their mouth is not equivalent to millions of tiny needles piercing your already bleeding heart all at the same time.

Or both.

Every single freaking day.

How sad isn't it that the most painful experience to ones life is a load of joking matter to another. People tell me to talk about it, joke about it so it will go away quickly. Been there, done that. Everyone knows already what happened and everybody has made a big joke out of it. Someone has even coined a term about my situation - "Jeliene Syndrome." Oh yes, it is funny alright. I am laughing, okay. I can't help giggling, fine! But has it really helped me? Have you bothered to ask? Do you think after all the laughter has subsided and I am back alone in my room, am I still okay?

No.

In solitude I am reminded that everyone knows what a stupid person I've been. My careless comments and impulsive decisions is just a laughing matter to the world. I've been reduced to a mere mockery of myself. My ineptitude in refusing to be used over and over is being drilled to my brain cells when I am alone with my thinking mind.

So tell me, how do you pick yourself up from all that when everyday you are dragged down again and again... when you are reminded of how foolishly you've trusted someone so easily. Only I knows the entire story. It is just me who knows that there is still a deep wound that refuses to close, a torrent of tears ready to fall down from my eyes and a number of memories that constantly replays itself in my mind.

But I guess I am still smart enough to know that all these suffering and torment and torture are all in my head. My mind is the battlefield. I am smart enough to be aware of that. But I am such a simpleton that until now I haven't waged war with my own mind.

But I am getting there. I refuse to be left alone dealing with this excruciating pain. So for once and for all, for the last time, let me address this.

My friends, help me on this. Stop teasing me. Stop asking me as if we are together because we are so not! Never had been, never will. I am so not hoping anymore so stop hoping for us. Stop reminding me how dumb I've been. Yes, I admit I fell for the guy and for a while I thought it was leading somewhere. But it did not. Okay, do you get it now? So, stop asking questions. Stop assuming something is still going on. Because there is just none. And I doubt there will be.

I am trying to heal a wounded ego, a crushed heart and a broken spirit.

So stop adding salt to injury with your knowing glances, snide remarks and point-blank-questions.

Let me move along with the little dignity I still have left.

Heavenly Father, you know these thoughts have been in my mind for a while. I am not sure if writing it down and letting the world know will do me any good. Oh well, everyone seem to know what is happening anyway, I might as well address it and get it over with. I just hope and pray that whoever reads this will stop reminding me of how stupid I have been. I want to finally leave all that behind me. I know Lord with your help I can do anything. But sometimes I am losing a bit of my trust. Please don't allow me to entertain more of these thoughts. Please help me control the workings of my mind. When it starts to feed on more memories, please wake me up and make me realize that You are more than enough for me and no amount of past memories should make my faith in You loosen up.

You alone knows the extent of this concern. You alone knows how I've cried over this. You alone knows how I've battled within. I know Father you are working on this with me. May I always put my trust in You and may I always remember that You are the sovereign king and You know what you are doing. Instead of dwelling on the past, please help me make use of my time on other things that will give glory and honor to You.

You know how many times I've prayed about it and still I am praying again about this. Lord, I just want to finally be set free from this. If there is still anything that I haven't learned that I should be learning from this experience, please open my eyes that I may realize that immediately so I can finally put this behind me. I leave everything in your hands, Lord.

Amen.

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God,
that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him,
for He cares for you.
- 1 Peter 5:6-7

Counting My Blessings, Prayer # 5, 2009

After twelve roses, five cakes, one big giant cookie, eleven birthday cards/notes, seven times of unwrapping of gifts, more than thirty text messages, around forty facebook greetings and lots and lots of captured moments with all my friends, I think it's time to end my birthday celebration series. :)

As I said, the reason why I love my birthday is because yearly it reminds me that my God the Father decided I am important enough to be created. And also because during this time you'd find out who treasures you and takes the time to send that birthday greeting through email, text, ym, facebook and yes friendster too.

Just flip through the nine albums on my birthday and the blessings I enumerated above... and you'd realize... I am so abundantly blessed!

One colleague pointed out that I have such a great network of friends to celebrate this long. I've never thought of my friends as such - "a network" and his comment did make me see that I know so many people and that kind of made me realize that how I am with the people around me is such a huge responsibility. What I say and do may affect them and looking at it that way scares me a little. I am the most transparent person I know. I wear my heart on my sleeves and I blurt out things easily. When I am irritated or angry or hurt, the person beside me will hear my litany of rants and when I am exceedingly happy, the person beside me will get tired hearing me rave. When I frown, I might pass on the negative aura to whoever I met and when I smile, I just hope I can influence others on that too.

These things made me get my favorite book on prayers - The Power of a Praying Woman by Stormie Omartian and made me scan through the topics to look for the right words to pray about what I am thinking and I found chapter twenty five where it says "Lord, use me to touch the lives of others."

So this is my prayer for today:

Lord, thank you so much for blessing me this much. Until now I can't contain my joy from the many friends who took time to celebrate with me for my birthday. Thank you Lord for the network of friends you have provided me. I just realized how big my responsibility is to conduct myself properly to bring honor to you and not to shame your name. Help me to see things that will hinder myself from giving glory to you in all my interactions with the people around me. Give me wisdom and guidance to live according to your ways. May the people I have offended before learn to forgive me and may you open my eyes that I may see where I am lacking and that I may see if I hurt someone. Continue to shine through me, my Lord. Equip me with your light that when people see something good in me, they will see you and when they will see something that will shame your name, may they rebuke me that I may be able to straighten my ways.

It has been a great journey of twenty eight years, including the eight years that I have known you truly. Father God, you've seen me at my worst and have guided me through my best times. I have been stubborn in some areas of my life but you have always been  so faithful and patient in taking care of me. Thank you Lord for all the blessings you have given me, for all the pain I inflicted upon myself whenever I will go out of your way, for all the tears I have cried these past eight years. All those I know is part of your plan to mold me in your likeness.

Last Thursday, Pao texted me asking how she can pray for me for my birthday. I replied to her and said "Please pray for my GB." Her reply will forever be engraved in my mind as she said "Maging GB ka muna..." Yes, Lord thank you for opening my eyes through Pao that before I can ask for that someone you have in mind for me, that God's Best... I myself have to work on being the best for that someone. Thank you Father God for the valuable lessons I learned towards the fourth quarter of last year. I just pray that I will not forget those and please continue healing me from the scar of that very painful experience.

Lord, as I end the celebration of my birthday series, I submit to you the remainder of my life. Use it as you please, to give you honor and glory and I say the same prayer from the book:

"Lord, show me what You want me to do today to be a blessing to others aound me. Specifically, show me how I can serve my family, my frends, my church and the people whom You put in my life. I don't want to get so wrapped up in my own life that I don't see the opportunity for ministering Your life to others. Show me what You want me to do and enable me to do it. Give me all I need to minister life, hope, help and healing to others. Make me to be one of Your faithful intercessors, and teach me how to pray in power. Help me to make a big difference in the world because You are working through me to touch the lives of others for Your glory."

Amen.

"Let no one seek his own, but each one the other's well-being."
- 1 Corinthians 10:24