Without knowing anyone in CCF, I signed up to join the three-days retreat in Caliraya. I didn't know how I ended up paying the registration fee. In a daze, I just knew I needed something new in my life.
So bravely, on the morning of the first day of retreat, I approached the buses parked in front of St Francis Square. I was totally clueless. I remember approaching a guy holding a guitar standing in front of the bus door and I shyly asked "Eto po ba yung sa One Way retreat?" He smiled at me encouragingly and told me I need to register first at the 5th flr. So I dragged my big bag and went up.
All the while, I am already praying to God, asking Him to take care of me because I don't know a single soul at the time. Thank God for answering my prayers because from there my journey began. Looking back, I can only say God orchestrated everything, and He did it with great care, with loving guidance and with great humor.
After I registered at the 5th floor, I went down again and approached the first bus I saw. Even before I stepped on the bus, my first blessing came in: A woman approached me and asked me if I am attending the retreat. I said yes. She asked me if I'm with someone. I said I don't even know anybody else. She then told me her niece is also attending and that it's her first time to attend such a retreat and that she's all alone too. Then she asked me if it's okay with me to buddy up with her niece. Of course I told her yes! The retreat hasn't even started and yet God is already showing me that He is taking care of me. Isn't it wonderful how He made sure I have someone to talk to in the bus to put me at ease?
Remember what I said about me cursing all the Chinese people I see when my broke up first happened? God have an amazing way of working that out in my life.
The woman's niece is the first friend I'd ever know in the retreat. Her name is Jojie Kho. (Yes... a Chinese surname! And she's fair-skinned too and have chinky eyes) Of course by this time I've already resolved in myself that not all Fil-Chi are the same as my ex's mom, though I still harbor a little hatred stuck in the corners of my heart. I just found it rather funny that God will send someone like her to be my first friend. There were a lot of genuine Filipinas out there too!
Through Jojie Kho, I would meet two other ladies, both equally fair-skinned and chinky-eyed. Yes, both have Chinese blood running through their veins. Jheny Yap and Jen King. All four of us became inseparable during the retreat. I remember texting my friend then, saying “Ang kulit ni Lord, He led me to three FIl-Chinese friends.” I know God was humoring me then. He knows I built a fortress in my heart barring all Chinese-looking people to enter but He just used the same object of my hatred to humble me and show me that He is in control.
I would love to tell the rest of the story in great detail. But to make it short, the second turning point in my Christian life was when Tony dela Paz discussed the Cross in one of the modules of the one way retreat. I remember crying the entire time as I finally understood the depth of what the Lord Jesus has done to save me. I remember flinching as I watch the video showing His passion, knowing very well that my sins put Him through such an ordeal.
After those three days in Caliraya, I left the One Way retreat with the full knowledge on how great God is and with the assurance that I am important to Him and no matter how many Chinese moms tell me that I am nothing but a helper in their eyes and no fit for her son, I know I am a princess in my Lord’s eyes.
That started my involvement in the Music Ministry. I was suddenly burdened to serve. To be used for God's glory. Even as a Catholic, I’ve always dreamed of being a part of the choir. But I am very much aware that I have a mediocre voice. But one thing I realized is that when you have the desire to serve the Lord in one area and you have a passion to pursue it, He will make a way for you to serve Him gladly. He has that much power to equip you. The most important thing is that you just offer your time to the Lord and He will do the rest. I began to realize the fact that everything on this earth belongs to Him. My life, my talents, all of me. I have nothing to offer Him that He does not own already. Except for my time. That is the only area where I have full control of. How to use my time and since then, I committed all of me to him.
In July of 2007, for the first time, I sang on stage as one of the prompters in the Tagalog Service. And since then, I found my greatest joy on earth: To sing praises to the lover of my soul, Jesus Christ.
As with all born again Christians getting to know the Lord deeper, I began to feel the changes in me. The hatred in my heart started to melt and I gained back the confidence to be friend other people, Chinese people included. And one of the startling changes in me, believe it or not, is the way I look physically. Since then, I would always hear a compliment that I am looking way better now than I did ever before. Of course, I went to salons to have my hair done and I actually pursued boxing to slim down but the truth of the matter is, it is all God’s doing. Now, I realize that when you have Christ in you, His glory shines its brightest that you just exude a radiance that people notice. There is just a different glow in you.
In John 16:22 Jesus said, “Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.”
That time in my life was definitely a time of grief. It is still at the top of my list of the saddest moments I’ve ever had. I mourned for the loss of the only man I ever loved, I cried over the memories that continue to haunt me and I grieved over my own iniquities. But now, I can honestly say that I have found my true joy in Jesus. With Him, I will be forever satisfied.
Of course, my journey does not end there. It will only get more challenging and I’ve had a number of ups and downs since then. I still stumble, I still have some doubts, sometimes I still question God but our relationship started there at the retreat. Jesus became real to me and I just find myself confiding in Him more than I ever did. Knowing the real Jesus did not make me a perfect christian overnight. Until now I am relying to His everlasting grace in my everyday life.
But that episode in my life forever changed me. I now hold no grudge nor hatred towards my ex nor to any member of his family. But it was a very long process. It’s been two years. It took me that long to finally sit down and write all these. And guess what, I may have felt a pinch in my heart as I recall the scenes of my past life but I can honestly say I have moved on completely and I can only say thanks to my ex and to his entire family for teaching me the following things: (1) That I only need Jesus in my life (2) God uses the most unpleasant experiences in our life to draw us near to Him (3) No matter how deep the wound is, the lover of my soul can heal it completely (4) I learned to pray really hard and understood the importance of setting a quiet time with the Lord (5) I learned to give thanks in all circumstances. As it says in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
So bravely, on the morning of the first day of retreat, I approached the buses parked in front of St Francis Square. I was totally clueless. I remember approaching a guy holding a guitar standing in front of the bus door and I shyly asked "Eto po ba yung sa One Way retreat?" He smiled at me encouragingly and told me I need to register first at the 5th flr. So I dragged my big bag and went up.
All the while, I am already praying to God, asking Him to take care of me because I don't know a single soul at the time. Thank God for answering my prayers because from there my journey began. Looking back, I can only say God orchestrated everything, and He did it with great care, with loving guidance and with great humor.
After I registered at the 5th floor, I went down again and approached the first bus I saw. Even before I stepped on the bus, my first blessing came in: A woman approached me and asked me if I am attending the retreat. I said yes. She asked me if I'm with someone. I said I don't even know anybody else. She then told me her niece is also attending and that it's her first time to attend such a retreat and that she's all alone too. Then she asked me if it's okay with me to buddy up with her niece. Of course I told her yes! The retreat hasn't even started and yet God is already showing me that He is taking care of me. Isn't it wonderful how He made sure I have someone to talk to in the bus to put me at ease?
Remember what I said about me cursing all the Chinese people I see when my broke up first happened? God have an amazing way of working that out in my life.
The woman's niece is the first friend I'd ever know in the retreat. Her name is Jojie Kho. (Yes... a Chinese surname! And she's fair-skinned too and have chinky eyes) Of course by this time I've already resolved in myself that not all Fil-Chi are the same as my ex's mom, though I still harbor a little hatred stuck in the corners of my heart. I just found it rather funny that God will send someone like her to be my first friend. There were a lot of genuine Filipinas out there too!
Through Jojie Kho, I would meet two other ladies, both equally fair-skinned and chinky-eyed. Yes, both have Chinese blood running through their veins. Jheny Yap and Jen King. All four of us became inseparable during the retreat. I remember texting my friend then, saying “Ang kulit ni Lord, He led me to three FIl-Chinese friends.” I know God was humoring me then. He knows I built a fortress in my heart barring all Chinese-looking people to enter but He just used the same object of my hatred to humble me and show me that He is in control.
I would love to tell the rest of the story in great detail. But to make it short, the second turning point in my Christian life was when Tony dela Paz discussed the Cross in one of the modules of the one way retreat. I remember crying the entire time as I finally understood the depth of what the Lord Jesus has done to save me. I remember flinching as I watch the video showing His passion, knowing very well that my sins put Him through such an ordeal.
After those three days in Caliraya, I left the One Way retreat with the full knowledge on how great God is and with the assurance that I am important to Him and no matter how many Chinese moms tell me that I am nothing but a helper in their eyes and no fit for her son, I know I am a princess in my Lord’s eyes.
That started my involvement in the Music Ministry. I was suddenly burdened to serve. To be used for God's glory. Even as a Catholic, I’ve always dreamed of being a part of the choir. But I am very much aware that I have a mediocre voice. But one thing I realized is that when you have the desire to serve the Lord in one area and you have a passion to pursue it, He will make a way for you to serve Him gladly. He has that much power to equip you. The most important thing is that you just offer your time to the Lord and He will do the rest. I began to realize the fact that everything on this earth belongs to Him. My life, my talents, all of me. I have nothing to offer Him that He does not own already. Except for my time. That is the only area where I have full control of. How to use my time and since then, I committed all of me to him.
In July of 2007, for the first time, I sang on stage as one of the prompters in the Tagalog Service. And since then, I found my greatest joy on earth: To sing praises to the lover of my soul, Jesus Christ.
As with all born again Christians getting to know the Lord deeper, I began to feel the changes in me. The hatred in my heart started to melt and I gained back the confidence to be friend other people, Chinese people included. And one of the startling changes in me, believe it or not, is the way I look physically. Since then, I would always hear a compliment that I am looking way better now than I did ever before. Of course, I went to salons to have my hair done and I actually pursued boxing to slim down but the truth of the matter is, it is all God’s doing. Now, I realize that when you have Christ in you, His glory shines its brightest that you just exude a radiance that people notice. There is just a different glow in you.
In John 16:22 Jesus said, “Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.”
That time in my life was definitely a time of grief. It is still at the top of my list of the saddest moments I’ve ever had. I mourned for the loss of the only man I ever loved, I cried over the memories that continue to haunt me and I grieved over my own iniquities. But now, I can honestly say that I have found my true joy in Jesus. With Him, I will be forever satisfied.
Of course, my journey does not end there. It will only get more challenging and I’ve had a number of ups and downs since then. I still stumble, I still have some doubts, sometimes I still question God but our relationship started there at the retreat. Jesus became real to me and I just find myself confiding in Him more than I ever did. Knowing the real Jesus did not make me a perfect christian overnight. Until now I am relying to His everlasting grace in my everyday life.
But that episode in my life forever changed me. I now hold no grudge nor hatred towards my ex nor to any member of his family. But it was a very long process. It’s been two years. It took me that long to finally sit down and write all these. And guess what, I may have felt a pinch in my heart as I recall the scenes of my past life but I can honestly say I have moved on completely and I can only say thanks to my ex and to his entire family for teaching me the following things: (1) That I only need Jesus in my life (2) God uses the most unpleasant experiences in our life to draw us near to Him (3) No matter how deep the wound is, the lover of my soul can heal it completely (4) I learned to pray really hard and understood the importance of setting a quiet time with the Lord (5) I learned to give thanks in all circumstances. As it says in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
very nice (^^,)
ReplyDeleteAmen! =D
ReplyDelete