Yamete Kudasai... Prayer # 6, 2009

You know what is the hardest thing in moving on and letting go after a rejection?

No matter how much you try to really let go and start a new life, you can't seem to do so.

1. Either it's because there is a constant reminder right in front of your face

2. or you have people around you who constantly remind you of it and even makes a joke about it as if every word that comes out of their mouth is not equivalent to millions of tiny needles piercing your already bleeding heart all at the same time.

Or both.

Every single freaking day.

How sad isn't it that the most painful experience to ones life is a load of joking matter to another. People tell me to talk about it, joke about it so it will go away quickly. Been there, done that. Everyone knows already what happened and everybody has made a big joke out of it. Someone has even coined a term about my situation - "Jeliene Syndrome." Oh yes, it is funny alright. I am laughing, okay. I can't help giggling, fine! But has it really helped me? Have you bothered to ask? Do you think after all the laughter has subsided and I am back alone in my room, am I still okay?

No.

In solitude I am reminded that everyone knows what a stupid person I've been. My careless comments and impulsive decisions is just a laughing matter to the world. I've been reduced to a mere mockery of myself. My ineptitude in refusing to be used over and over is being drilled to my brain cells when I am alone with my thinking mind.

So tell me, how do you pick yourself up from all that when everyday you are dragged down again and again... when you are reminded of how foolishly you've trusted someone so easily. Only I knows the entire story. It is just me who knows that there is still a deep wound that refuses to close, a torrent of tears ready to fall down from my eyes and a number of memories that constantly replays itself in my mind.

But I guess I am still smart enough to know that all these suffering and torment and torture are all in my head. My mind is the battlefield. I am smart enough to be aware of that. But I am such a simpleton that until now I haven't waged war with my own mind.

But I am getting there. I refuse to be left alone dealing with this excruciating pain. So for once and for all, for the last time, let me address this.

My friends, help me on this. Stop teasing me. Stop asking me as if we are together because we are so not! Never had been, never will. I am so not hoping anymore so stop hoping for us. Stop reminding me how dumb I've been. Yes, I admit I fell for the guy and for a while I thought it was leading somewhere. But it did not. Okay, do you get it now? So, stop asking questions. Stop assuming something is still going on. Because there is just none. And I doubt there will be.

I am trying to heal a wounded ego, a crushed heart and a broken spirit.

So stop adding salt to injury with your knowing glances, snide remarks and point-blank-questions.

Let me move along with the little dignity I still have left.

Heavenly Father, you know these thoughts have been in my mind for a while. I am not sure if writing it down and letting the world know will do me any good. Oh well, everyone seem to know what is happening anyway, I might as well address it and get it over with. I just hope and pray that whoever reads this will stop reminding me of how stupid I have been. I want to finally leave all that behind me. I know Lord with your help I can do anything. But sometimes I am losing a bit of my trust. Please don't allow me to entertain more of these thoughts. Please help me control the workings of my mind. When it starts to feed on more memories, please wake me up and make me realize that You are more than enough for me and no amount of past memories should make my faith in You loosen up.

You alone knows the extent of this concern. You alone knows how I've cried over this. You alone knows how I've battled within. I know Father you are working on this with me. May I always put my trust in You and may I always remember that You are the sovereign king and You know what you are doing. Instead of dwelling on the past, please help me make use of my time on other things that will give glory and honor to You.

You know how many times I've prayed about it and still I am praying again about this. Lord, I just want to finally be set free from this. If there is still anything that I haven't learned that I should be learning from this experience, please open my eyes that I may realize that immediately so I can finally put this behind me. I leave everything in your hands, Lord.

Amen.

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God,
that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him,
for He cares for you.
- 1 Peter 5:6-7