Twilight Takeaways

Okay, a break from my seemingly highly emotional posts.

I’m writing about something good today!
 
I just watched “Twilight” with my officemates. I’ve never heard of this before, didn’t know that the book caused quite a stir in new york, wasn’t aware that it was a series of four books and last, I didn’t know that it was about vampires! To say I didn’t have the slightest idea what I was watching was an understatement.
 
But anyway, we all planned on meeting at Glorietta 4 cinemas at 6:30pm. Probably because of the pay day weekend with most of the employees even getting their 13th month pay today, it was exaggeratingly traffic. Or so says Ayie and Cicelle. Kuya Rudel, Kuya Frank and I left the office at 6:10pm. All five of us where working against time. So when the three of us got to the ticketing booth at 6:40pm, we didn’t stand a chance in getting into the 6:50pm screening at cinema 5.
 
Looking at the little screen right above the ticketing counter, we were assured of a chance to get into the 7:20pm screening since cinema 1 is flashing a 30 seats availability. Yey! So Kuya Rudel fell in line for the ticket while I was updating Ayie and Cicelle of the status of our movie date.
 
However, much to our disappointment, the 7:20pm slot was sold out as well! (We learned that for free seating movies, they allot 30 free seats in consideration of the inconsiderate movie goers who repeats the movie.. hahha.. didn’t know that before!)
 
So I texted Cicelle and while I was texting Ayie, she came calling my phone saying she’s already in Glorietta. I told her the bad news and told her we’d wait for her at the food choices. When she arrived, she insisted on checking other cinemas. Even went as far as suggesting to go to Cubao… hahaha.. or MOA… Then her brilliant mind remembered the Glorietta 1 cinema! I was skeptical at first and told them not to even think about it. But she insisted, bless her! In short… we got ourselves a ticket! Woohoo!!
 
Frankly, I wasn’t that excited since I really didn’t know what this movie was about. But… oh boy, was I glad we watched!!! Weeeee!!
 
As what I was telling them, this was by far the best movie I watched this year (not that I have a lot on my list to choose from anyway). I loved everything about the movie, even if Ayie and Cicelle do not agree with me. (The thing is, it is better to watch the movie first before you read the book so you don’t have any comparison for any flaws nor perfection)
 
So, what was it about Twilight that I loved so much?
 
The intense love between Bella and Edward…
The fact that they came from two different worlds but love was enough for them to conquer it all…
The trust that Bella had for Edward…
The self-control that Edward has for Bella (for not killing her, even if he said her blood calls out to him like crazy)…
The protectiveness that Edward has for Bella…
The way Bella was more concerned whether Edward’s family will accept her more than the fact that she is entering a household full of vampires…
 
Being the hopeless romantic myself, it was just too much for me to take in. I was overwhelmingly happy about the movie. Why? Maybe it was because of the hope it presented that such a love could exist? Where background and personality and past just doesn’t count… but just the present, about seizing the moment. Giving love the chance. The thought of braving it out and just trying to see if the relationship will work…
 
Maybe all those reasons… But what I would to believe is that, the reason why I love this movie so much is because…
 
It made me realize that no matter how hurt I have been the past few weeks, my heart hasn’t gone cold… I am not bitter towards the boy-girl relationship even if it seems that I’m not getting into one anytime soon… In short, I guess I could say I am still capable of falling in love. 
 
I just want to give the credit to my God. I know I wouldn’t feel this way if it wasn’t for Him. If it wasn’t for the trust I have in Him and His faithfulness to his promises.
As the saying goes, “Only love can heal a heart that was hurt by love.” So no matter how many times my heart breaks because of unbroken promises, of unreciprocated feelings, of giving too much too soon… I know I will be fine in the end. Because all along there is a love in my heart that heals all hurts. And that is the love that I know my saviour has for me.

Pleasure and Offering

I’m sure my Christian friends will agree when I say living the Christian Life is not merely difficult. It is impossible! Sometimes even if we are set on our plans to commit our lives to the Lord, there are hindrances that are bound to come our way. Hindrances that are not even evil in nature and by themselves are neutrally good. But these things will come to shake us, test our priorities and present a difficult choice for us.

Last Sunday I experienced just that.

I woke up really early on Sunday. My friends from work and I signed up for UNICEF’s Walk with Child campaign. It was a walk and run for a cause. I just had an hour and a half sleep but still I dragged myself out of bed when I heard my phone ringing – Cicelle was calling me already to wake me up! We all agreed to meet at Jaka Bldg at 5:00 in the morning and at precisely 4:55am, I was there in front of the building.

 

It was a long morning! I will no longer narrate the happenings and events during the fun run… Maybe I will if I get a chance to post the pictures… (That is if I get a copy from Ms Lorns because for a change, none of us from my group brought a camera.)

 

My friendly travel-mates had preexisting plan already of their activity for the rest of the day after the Fun Run. They are going to Pansol, Laguna to look for the venue for our department’s own and self-funded Christmas party. I already told them since Friday that I wasn’t coming but still they asked me to join them that day. I soooo wanted to join! It was an almost complete pack. And knowing these people, it was sure to be a fun fun fun day to spend with them doing ocular inspection of various private resorts.

 

But I had to beg off. It is Sunday, after all and part of my renewed commitment to go back to the Lord is to offer my Sundays and to offer my time and talent to be used in His ministry.

 

So with firm conviction, I asked them nicely if they can just please drive me home before they head to Laguna. Which they did, thanks to Carl. =)

 

They went their way and I went mine. I slept for three more hours when I got home then I woke up to get ready. I had to be at CCF by 2pm so I can attend the run-through for the 3pm praise and worship. So while they were out having fun visiting various private resorts, I was confined in the four walls of the CCF auditorium, using my time serving the Lord to through the ministry I chose… Singing.

After we finished prompting for the 3pm praise and worship, I sat at the right side, armed with my pen and notebook and all ears for the afternoon message. Then I received text messages from this same group of people, asking where was I and if I can go and meet them at B1’s house since he is cooking up something and it’ll be an afternoon of feasting.

 

Once again I was torn between wanting to go and meet them or just stay put where I was and give my full attention to the Ptr Bong’s message. Of course, the latter won. I texted back saying hopefully whatever dish they are cooking up will have some leftovers by dinner time because by then I could join them.

 

Yes, I may have missed an afternoon of togetherness with this set of friends. I may have missed the bickering, the jokes, and the funny antics of everyone in the group…

However, knowing and realizing where my focus and priority for that particular Sunday is and being able to actually carry out and continue on with my focus of spending time with my Lord makes it all worthwhile. I just realized that the offering is much sweeter when you actually had to deny yourself of something pleasurable in exchange of spending your time with the Lord.

 

And guess what? The lover of my soul did not allow me to miss much. Because after the singing, after the worship, after the fellowship with my ministry… I left CCF at around 8:00pm. Going where? On the way to meet this group! I still had a taste of B1’s yummy cooking. I still spent a few minutes with them (though they were all sleepy - or sleeping already when I got there). I still had a chance to enjoy. Period.

 

I will sacrifice a freewill offering to you;

I will praise your name, O LORD, for it is good

- Psalm 54:6

When the answer is "No"... Reflection # 17, 2008

I’ve always been honest with myself. I write the things I feel and I know. I pray about my dreams and my aspirations. I worry about my concerns and my issues. I cry when I’m in pain and hurting.

 

If you will have a chance to read my journal, the notebook I use whenever I talk to God, you’d see a lot of inconsistencies. Sometimes when I pray for something specific, and you see two different entries on two consecutive days, you’d see I’m asking God on two different results for the same concern.

 

That somehow shows how my mind works. I entertain a lot of thoughts. Sometimes I would delve deeper on something that will allow me to reach a certain decision but the following morning, I could just easily discard that thought.

 

Oh yeah, I confuse myself too.

 

However, I am assured that all these inconsistent thoughts and emotions are as clear as crystal to the lover of my soul. I know that when I am being a kid and crying out my concerns to God, He understands me perfectly. He knows exactly what is in my heart and He is ready to give comfort whenever needed and most importantly, I know that He has something planned for me already.

 

It’s just that most often than not, we are either too busy to hear what God has to say or just plain stubborn to follow when we hear his answer to our questions. The complexities of our everyday life overshadow that still voice within us that tells us when to stop and when to go on…

 

When I was in Bohol during my recent trip, I had a chance to experience a serenity I rarely feel in my life. On our last night at Alona Tropical Resort, I couldn’t sleep. I guess my mind was up and running from all the activity during the day. At around 2am I decided to go down the beach and just clear my head.

 

Just imagine it was a little dark and quiet outside our second floor deluxe fan room. But I crept slowly along the hallway and made my way to the stairs at the far side. Thank God for moon light that night and the spot lights around the vicinity of the resort I didn’t stumble as I walked towards the beach. When I reached the clearing, the wind from the sea welcomed we with a chilling air. I shivered and tighten my hold on my sarong and wrapped it around my shoulders as I walk towards one of the benches. I then sat and my sight merely rested on the boats anchored on the sea, watching as it sways softly to the sound of the wind. I could hear the waves as it splashes along the shore.

 

It was a beautiful sight.

 

And I was alone at the beach that night.

 

For a while I just stared with no thoughts floating in my mind. I was just enjoying the feel of the sea. But gradually my thoughts began to shift to that one thing that has been bothering me before that trip. So I closed my eyes and started the monologue in my mind. I was being a kid again, complaining to God, impatiently asking for something that I desperately wanted. But as the moments went by, I began to feel my mind starting to quiet down, the thoughts running in my mind seemed to have stopped in their tracks. And like a sun peering through the clouds on at dawn, God gradually revealed to me then the answer that I have been praying for.

 

It was a No.

 

For the first time in this seemingly unending battle of thoughts and emotions in my mind and my heart, I began to really realize that what I wanted at the moment was not something that God wanted to give to me now. I was frankly surprised that the minute I accepted His “No,” I was rid of most of the pain and agony in my heart. My crying inside stopped and was replaced with a new hope that goes beyond what my little mind and my stubborn heart could have conceived. It was really like as if a heavy burden was lifted off me.

 

So I opened my eyes and looked towards the sky. I just wanted to say Thank You to the lover of my soul for finally giving me an answer. Though it wasn’t what I would have wanted to hear, I am content. At least, I know now where I stand. Now, I know what my actions will be from that moment on. Now, I know it was time to move on.

 

Was I sad? I guess I was. But it wasn’t that big of a feeling then. At least, it didn’t consume me.

When I left the beach that night and headed back to our room, I was just at peace. When I lay my head down on my pillows and closed my eyes to sleep, I was immediately carried off to a dreamless sleep. When I woke up the following morning, I was somehow a new person carrying a different perspective and was able to change my actions and reactions to my previous concern.

 

It’s almost a week now since that moment.

 

And now I realized when you begin to see and acknowledge what God wanted to say, even if it wasn’t the answer that we are hoping and praying for, I realized that He accompanies that decline with a comforting assurance. He doesn’t just say No and leave us to pick up the pieces. He stays and guides and makes sure that if ever we stumble from that moment on, He is readily available at our side to catch us when we fall.

 

It’s almost a week now since that moment.

 

Guess what? I haven’t stumbled yet so far. I mean, I am still content with the answer I got. I stopped praying for that thing I thought I desperately wanted. And what is comforting is that God seemed to have answered my other prayer, to take away the desire in my heart if it wasn’t right. The intensity of the longing in my heart has subsided. I can now wake up in the morning not worrying what I would do if I am subjected to another heart-wrenching encounter within the day. I know I am ready to face anything because I have a deliverer on my side.

“Call upon Me in the day of trouble;

I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me.”

- Psalm 50:15

how did i get into singing?

Have I ever told you how I came to be part of the music ministry at CCF?

Let me back track… As a child I grew up with music. All my three elder brothers are into music. They have their own favorite genres. I remember our eldest was into Jazz, the second into oldies and the third into rock. But they all can listen to any type of music you make them hear. I remember we used to have CDs that range from the classical Beethoven collection to the underground alternative music.

Once during one of our occasional family day where we all go out as a family to eat lunch somewhere and shop (or window shop), I remember Kuya Alex (our eldest) nudging me to ask Papa to buy me a cassette tape. (Okay, I was really young at the time, cassette tapes were the rage, not yet CDs nor MP3s.) Guess what record he’s asking? I will not forget, it’s the Wilson Philips album where they recorded the song “Hold On” and “You’re in Love.” I think Papa was surprised that I was asking for such an album but I was the only little girl in the family and he can’t say no to me at the time. *wink* In short, my Kuya got what he wanted.

The thing is when you grow up in a household where the stereo is always blazing with whatever cassette tape was playing, you’d one way or another be in tuned with music too. Even my father is into music. He sings! He has the voice like that of Jose Mari Chan. Or at least that’s what I always thought since he always sings Chan’s songs. He’s very popular during his corporate parties. They always ask him to sing. So his cassette tape collection consisted of minus one.

I used to sing with him too. I mean I sing along whenever he sings. But most of the time, it’s during one of the rides in our car. Remember, I almost always got the passenger seat. J But I was a very shy little girl so I don’t sing in front of other people. Once during one of our new year’s eve celebration slash family reunion in the house of one of my relatives in Quezon City, they asked Papa to sing. Then they called me and asked me to sing along with my dad. And we did, though I did so reluctantly, I did sing a few lines of the song “Sing me a song again Daddy” before I pushed away the microphone and hid behind my mom’s skirt. I remember some of my tito and tita saying I should have finished the duet with Papa but my shyness over took the moment. Then they said I should take a voice lesson…

Oh, I could go on forever with these memories, I should stop myself! J But the gist of my trip down the memory lane is that I grew to love music and singing. One of my brothers plays the guitar very well and I remember sometimes he’d ask me to sing while he play. I just remember one song that he used to play really well and I used to sing really well (ows, really well?)… It’s called “Paglisan.” Who sang that? The band where Cookie Chua sings, I think.

Back when I was still attending the Sunday masses of the Catholic Church, I’d dream of being part of the choir that sings during communion. I used to just stare at them and dream of one day being part of the group, but I didn’t do anything about it.

Then when I joined my first Christian Church at GCM (Gospel Church of Manila) eight years ago, I still had that desire to be part of the choir. And I actually did something about it. J So one Sunday, there was an announcement that all those who wanted to join the choir can audition. And that particular Sunday, it was the last day of audition. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t know what I will sing when the ministry head asks me to sing but with firm conviction I told myself I’d give it a try. And so I did… after the 12pm service, I bravely approached the lady in charge of the choir (shame on me, I’d forgotten her name already!) and told her I’d like to audition. She then asked me if I had any previous experience or if I took any classes on voice. I told her no. So she simply smiled and said “ok, let’s start.” She sat in front of the keyboard, looked at me and asked me what song I’d like to sing. I quickly browsed through the limited selection of Christian songs in my mind. Then I just settled on my favorite song at the time. I said, “I offer my life.”

So I sang… hahaha… It was my first time singing solo in front of a keyboardist! If nervousness can kill, I’d be long dead and buried. Hehehe! Of course I did not make it. J The lady told me I hit most of the notes but “most” is not enough. I should be able to hit “all” the notes. But she told me to practice and come back the following Sunday to audition again. To make the long story short, I went back the following Sunday only to attend the Service but auditioning was ejected from my mind.

Then came last year… As what I’ve been telling 2007 was so far the greatest year of my life. This was the year I first joined CCF. The first retreat I joined at was the “One Way Singles Retreat.” This was where I met Jheny Yap. She made my dream come true in joining the music ministry.

During one of our free time in the retreat, I was in the room assigned to Jheny and her room mates. One of her room mates was Jojie Kho. She was the first person I got to know in that retreat. I actually joined that retreat all by myself, without knowing anyone. So during the bus ride, I sat beside Jojie, who was also joining the retreat all by herself. In short, God put us two together since we were both alone and new to CCF. Therefore, it was thru Jojie that I was introduced to Jheny.

So back to that free time in their room, all three of us (me, Jheny and Jojie) were with Jen King and Edith Cajigas. Somehow the conversation turned into singing. I told everyone I was a frustrated singer. Unashamedly, I told them I wanted to join the choir. Then Jheny said she wanted to join too and she asked me why not join together. I got excited and immediately said “yes!” Partly I didn’t believe that it was true but I did want to join anyway and I wasn’t lying anyway when I told her yes so we left the conversation at that thought.

Now, after the retreat, we arrived at CCF just in time for the 3pm service to end. So the prompters were already singing the response song. Then Jheny pointed at someone at the stage and said, “Ate ko yun.” Then she went on to say she’d ask her sister, Ate Grace, on how we can both join the music ministry.

The rest, as they say, is history. So I became part of the Filipino Music Ministry.

Now looking back, I realize that when God put a desire in your heart to serve, he will equip you with the talent or the skill so you can join the ministry where you are most comfortable serving God with. I know I am not an amazing singer. I am mediocre at best. But it has long been my desire to sing for him so every Sunday that I sing for the Lord, I know he is singing through me and is using me for this own purposes. Even if I can’t sing as good during videoke session with friends, even if I get laughed at whenever an old friend would find out that I am now part of the choir, or even if some people tell me point blank that I don’t sing very well, I don’t care. As long as I am not yet kicked out of the music ministry, I know I can sing beautifully for the lover of my soul, because He is the one equipping me each time. And last, I know it doesn’t matter to Him if I don’t sing like an angel because you know what? The most important thing for Him is to know that I am willing to give Him my time. Everything on earth belongs to Him already. All I have to offer is actually just that – my time.

Every note that escapes my lips is a talent borrowed from God. Because of his grace and faithfulness, he allowed me to part of this ministry. And I just give all the glory and praises to him for even allowing me to sing.

“Not to us, O Lord, not to us.
but to your name be the glory,
because of your love and faithfulness.”
- Psalm 115:1

On Surrendering...

I recently heard a very nice anecdote shared by one pastor on the illustration of how it is to have blind trust and obedience. Let me recount the story as if it was mine.

I was walking in the woods during the darkness of the night. Unmindful of the danger around me, I was just heading straight to the unknown path before me. I was enjoying the serenity of my surroundings. Though it was dark I was sinking myself into the hushed swaying of the leaves and the mild sounds of nearby animals. Then without warning, I felt my feet slid as it failed to step on the dirt of the grounds because I realized, there was no ground to step on to! Amidst the darkness I did not see that my path was heading straight to a cliff and it was too late to go back. I was on my way down; screaming and falling into the rocks that I somehow knew would greet my whole body as I plunge into the ravine.

But with divine intervention I felt my hands suddenly reach out and I was able to grab on to a protruding tree branch. A sigh of relief escaped from my already white and parched lips. Thank God, I wasn’t broken into pieces yet. My body was still whole though bruised and blue from all that friction between my body and the rock as it slammed together from the fall. With all the strength I could muster, I hang on for dear life to that one tree branch. Praying fervently, “Save me from this pit, my Lord.” It was scary and the silence in the dark woods was now deafening. I was now way far and below from the garden-like surrounding I was threading on a few minutes back. Fatigue took over and sweat-drenched as I am, suddenly I heard a voice in my head saying “Let go, my child.”

 

Though bruised and blue, I still had my wits around me and my reasoning was screaming letting go will just hurt me more. I could fall and hit the rocks and instantaneously say goodbye to the world. So with firm conviction, I told myself that I could do it, I could hang on to this branch and wait until morning. Surely someone will see me then, or so I hope…

Just when I thought I couldn’t hold on anymore, the dawn breaks and the sun light seeps through the clouds to shed light to where I was. I then gathered the remaining courage in my body and with eyes closed; I slowly moved my head downwards so I could see how far it was still from the grounds below. Then gradually I opened your eyes and saw to my astounding amazement, the distance between my hanging feet and the grounds below was just a mere one foot away…

 

My body then somewhat moved on its own and I just felt my blood-drained hands letting go of that tree branch. I fell and my body hit the ground and I realized – If only I let go in the middle of the night, I could have saved my arms from the numbness it now feels after the torture it went through carrying my weight, hanging on for dear life.

If only I trusted and surrendered when I heard the small voice saying, “Let go, my child…”

 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

- Proverbs 3:5-6

 

Sometimes in our stubbornness and confidence in ourselves we chose to hang on to something even if in the process we are actually torturing ourselves. We cry out in anguish to God, begging for his compassionate mercy to help us out of our predicament. But in most cases, we hardly hear that still voice saying to let go. Or even if we did hear it, we still rely on our own reasoning and understanding and we refuse to surrender.  We choose to hold on and rely with our own selves but later on we realize if we had let go the moment He told us to, then we could have saved ourselves from further pain.

 

Blind Trust. Pure Obedience. Sheer Surrender. That’s all it takes to follow God. Easy? Not in the slightest! It is hard, if not, even impossible...

Father God, help me to surrender totally to you...

The Heart of Worship… Reflection #16, 2008

After months of living the life of a prodigal daughter, today marks my coming back to serving the lover of my soul. After months of living in the world, today I officially surrendered my entire life back to my God. After months of being silent from my ministry, today I once again opened my mouth to sing my heart out to the Lord.

Though I’ve attended choir and prompting practices twice or thrice already since my “come back,” the experience of actually joining the prompters and the band at the stage in singing for the Lord during the actual praise and worship at the 3pm Service today is just incomparable.

Due to the Nov 1 holiday the FMM had to cancel the usual practice schedule of Saturday night. Instead we just all met at the band room today at 11am to practice the line up for the day. It was a great set of songs. All are familiar and all songs just magnified the Lord.

But one song just brought me closer to the Lord today. During practice, I couldn’t help but brush a few tears away from my eyes as Kuya Cedie, the worship leader for today, sang the first few lines of the song…

“When the music fades

And all is stripped away

And I simply come

Longing just to bring

Something that’s of worth

That will bless your heart…”

 

I then closed my eyes and remembering what I am going through lately; I just surrendered all my cares unto the Lord and worshiped him with all I’ve got.

 

“I’ll bring you more than a song

For a song in itself

Is not what you have required

You search much deeper within

Through the way things appear

You’re looking into my heart…”

 I know I don’t have a very nice voice. I mean, I guess it’s good enough that Kuya Jomar hasn’t kicked me out of CCF Choir yet and it’s passable that Ate Idonnah has actually entrusted a slot for me in the prompting team for the Tagalog Service. But it is nothing compared to most of the really gifted and blessed people I know that can actually sing magnificently.

Sometimes I get conscious and would think that I am not good enough but then I would remember that I am not singing for the person beside me, not even for our ministry leaders, and most certainly not for the entire congregation. Though it’s my responsibility to do well and not humiliate myself in front of everyone, whenever I step on that stage and position myself in front of a microphone, everyone just fades into background because I am singing only for the lover of my soul. It’s always between us during praise and worship.

That happened today. Since it was my “first time” to prompt again after my long absence, I started the practice singing softly, not wanting to draw attention to myself. However when we got into this song, I let go of all inhibitions and sang with pure abandon. Especially when we got into this part…

“I’m coming back to the heart of worship

And it’s all about You

All about You, Jesus

I’m sorry Lord for the thing I’ve made it

When it’s all about You

It’s all about You, Jesus…”

 It was a humbling experience to be able to sing that song for God and offer a heart ready to worship. It was a fitting song for my “come back.” As you probably know, I’ve been away from this ministry for months. I gradually started coming back to the Lord about two months ago but I did not immediately go back to ministry. It took me that long to actually come back because I wanted to be ready and stripped of all worldliness before I offer myself again to Him. Though I may not be fully cleansed from my sins, I know God’s mercy and grace is already at work in me. This song became a prayer for me today. Indeed, “I’m sorry Lord for the thing I’ve made it when it’s all about you…”

 

I just want to thank God for making me a part of this ministry. And I thank everyone in the ministry for welcoming me back, with no questions asked. During our devotion after the service, I shared my experience with all of them, why I had been away and what the Lord has been teaching me. But I started my testimony with “I just want to say, I am happy to be back.” And honestly, I was. I missed my Saturday night practices, even if I had to ride a cab on my way home at 11 in the evening after practice, even if I had to spend practically my entire Sunday at the church, even if that would mean I will not have one full day at home to rest if I start committing into ministry again, I am happy to be back! Even if it means cutting down on my gimiks. Especially that. I am happy to be back and just honored to be worshiping God through singing again!

 

-- written on November 2, 2008 and posted today, November 3, 2008 via e-mail :)

Still on longing, waiting and trusting… Reflection #15, 2008

I just finished reading the book “Boy Meets Girl” by Joshua Harris. It’s actually my second time to read it. The first time I finished it was about three or four years ago. I was still in a relationship at the time. Sadly, I don’t think I actually remembered anything from the book the first time I read it. Reading it for the second time was like reading it for the first time. I hardly recognized the words… I guess at the time my eyes were somewhat blinded and my heart was resistant to the wisdom that is the entirety of this book.

However, now that I went through each page again… this time with an open and broken heart and with eyes wide open, every word makes sense. Every testimony in each page spoke to me so vividly. Every lesson shown is like a hammer being pounded in my head. I’ve never been so guilt-stricken from anything until now. With this book, I realized that somehow I had a wrong approach to the boy-girl relationship. Looks like my ideals weren’t aligned with God’s plans. I used to think and even enjoyed my previous relationship because of the pleasure it gave me.

Who wouldn’t agree on the fact that it is such a thrilling and wonderful feeling to have that special someone beside you? To wake up each morning, remembering how you fell asleep praying about that person… and reaching for your phone to send a good morning message only to see that he beat you to it… How about spending those weekends with that person, driving around the city, looking for a place to eat, deciding what movie to watch while singing off-key to the song playing in the radio inside the car… Or what about those birthdays wherein you’ll be all dressed up waiting for that someone to show up and being whisked some place you don’t know yet and anticipating a grand surprise to make your day special… Or just the simple fact that you can look into someone’s eyes and just stare forever, seeing yourself with him into the future… All those romantic notions are a sure thing to make every girl like myself feel like she’s the most precious being on earth – all because of that special someone.

Now that I look at it, most of it all was rooted in my own pleasure, the way it made me feel, how happy I was to willingly serve someone. It was never an inconvenience for me to take that extra step. As long as that someone was happy too. Even if we shared the same Faith and worship God together on Sundays, I now just realized it wasn’t enough, that I rather had a very selfish approach to my views on a “relationship.”

The feeling of completeness of being with another person looks shallow to me now. I learned that being with someone shouldn’t complete you. But rather, you have a someone to complement the already complete you.

God made each of us individually, separately and uniquely as you can imagine. We as individuals, as single person should be complete regardless if we have someone else to share our lives with.

Looking back, I guess I can say I was guilty of depending too much of my own happiness with another person. My own world has been immersed deeply with someone else that I couldn’t recognize anymore where did my world end and his began. That was why when it all ended; I had the hardest time recognizing my own world. I somehow lost a big part of my identity and thus, I had to start from ground zero.

With God’s grace and mercy, I was able to slowly pick up my own pace and rebuild my own world; A world that was Christ-centered and ministry-driven. I began to see God in his magnificence and so I lost the longing to be with another human being to complete me because I realized that I was complete just as I was – single, but complete.

However, with the recent events in my life those things I learned faded into just a mere lesson filed away at the back of my mind. With new things coming my way, I failed to remember the hard earned lessons I got from my previous experience. Without immediately realizing it, I was once again beginning to lean towards that horrible thought – that I need someone to complete me.

I didn’t see it coming; or rather I chose not to see it while it was heading my way. By the time I recognized it, it was already too late. I’ve fallen too deep and now I’m back to picking myself up.

Going back to my realizations from this book, I learned that yes, being in a relationship and having a special someone is a thrilling experience, simply a “happy” feeling. But we shouldn’t just pursue togetherness for the sake of wanting to attain that happy feeling. There is so much more to that. When two people decide to get to know each other and even spend life together… they should be two separate individuals with their own identity, with their own worlds agreeing to coexist and share a life together.

As Joshua Harris illustrates it, a love story of boy meeting a girl should really be as simple but as meaningful as:

“Two people learning to trust God.

Two winding paths that God made straight.

Two straight paths that He chose to cross at just the right time.”

Notice that in each thought and in each process, God is involved.

Another passage from the book says and it quotes another author (Mike Mason) from another book (The Mystery of Marriage):

“Real love is always fated. It has been arranged before time. It is the most meticulously prepared of coincidences. And fate, of course, is simply a secular term for the will of God, and coincidence for his grace.”

Knowing all these now while in the middle of picking myself up from a recent heart break, I struggle to believe that God has the same grand plan for me and my GB. Forgive me Lord for the shadow of doubt in my mind… Forgive me for questioning you now… Why would you send someone to my life if you’ll only take them away? I admit it is hard to trust and obey. It is hard to be patient. It is hard to wake up each morning knowing you’re in for another heart-stabbing experience… it is so hard to just let go and surrender.

Honestly I have to remind myself a number of times each day that God is with me and I shouldn’t want. How shameful to admit that I had to make an effort to remember Him in all these. I had to initiate a conversation with my Christian friends each day so I’ll be reminded of God’s love for me, to know that I have all these sisters in Christ to bother everyday with my grievances. At times when I falter, I succumb into darkness and self-pity and without warning tears will start to fall.

But with this book, I am somewhat assured that God is indeed behind it all. My thoughts and views and experiences with relationships are all part of His grand plan to hone me, to prepare me and to build me to be the perfect mate to that someone. I just wish that the longing in my heart for this to happen now will just fade a way for now; until such time that I am indeed ready…

 Father God, may you please take away the longing in my heart for that someone.

But if you want me to carry it for now, I pray for your guiding light, your strength to help me carry this and just continuously learn from it. I want to be complete again in you alone.

Help me go back to my ministry, to my first love of serving you, of using my time for you, of using the gifts you gave me for your glory.

Just be with me in all these, Lord. Amen.

 

- written on November 1, 2008 at the privacy of my room.. hehehe.. posted today, November 3 via e-mail -