Things I should have known two months ago... Reflection #14, 2008

Thanks to the time in my hands, I was able to refocus my attention to reading, instead of sulking and questioning God on my heart issues.

Last week I've been faithful to my quiet time. I set aside half an hour each morning when I wake up and each night before my head hit my pillows to sleep. I've been spending these minutes reading passages from my bible and a daily devotional book. I even went back to journalling. Something I used to do religiously but I have neglected for the past few months.

Due to our move, I had to unpack all my things out of their boxes. And on one of those boxes, I got hold of my journal and with a feeling of nostalgia, I flipped thru page one and stated to read. I then sat comfortably on my bed and my hands just started turning pages until my eyes read the entire thing. My journal doesn't contain the things I did for the day. It mostly consists of three things: my prayers, the verses that spoke to me and my daily ten. I used to start my day listing my "Daily Ten" - something I learned from one of the dawnwatch sessions I attended last year. The idea is to start your day listing all the blessings you received the day prior so you'll go on with the day with the those thoughts in your head. Really a perfect way to dispel any negative thoughts out of your mind.

It was quite a revelation on the magnitude of God's love for me when I was going thru the entire journal. I really am a blessed person. I got so much blessings and the most of the prayers I've listed there have been answered. It was a humbling experience to me - to know that regardless of my unfaithfulness to my Lord, He still have so much more to give to me.

So with trembling fingers, I picked up a pen and started to write again... This time, I wrote a letter to my God... outpouring all the pain in my heart, surrendering my life, begging that He once again take over and direct me to the right path.

Part of my renewed commitment to walk with my Lord again, I started to read Christian books again to help my mind absorb more of thoughts on Christian living, rather than dwelling in the worldliness of my environment today. From these two weeks of being offline from the internet, I was able to read the three books written by Joshua Harris. And with eyes wide open I realized so many of the things I did, which I shouldn't have done and so many of the things I didn't do, which I should have done.

I couldn't help but cry in some of the things I read. All the time I've been chiding myself - I should have read this at least two months ago! And I could have saved my heart from being broken again. But good thing that the Lord is a God of second chances and I just believe that He has His own reasons why I am reading all these just now and why I experienced those things I went through. With blind faith, I trust that my Lord knows what He is doing and after all these suffering, I know He will redeem me and offer something greater.

But to share these things I should have known two months ago, I'm listing the takeaways I got from reading those books and from reading God's word:

* When God knows you're ready for the responsibility of commitment, He'll reveal the right person under the right circumstances.
* Waiting for God's perfect timing requires trusting in His goodness and wisdom. We develop patience as we trust that God denies us what we think is good only because He has something better for us-both now and in the future
* Romance can thrill us to the core, but it's only a small part of true love. We've been playing in the sandbox; God  wants to take
us to the beach.
* "I'm looking for someone who will light candles, not just curse the darkness."
* Love should not be stirred up before its proper time, because the love relationship, unless carefully guarded, may cause grief instead of the great joy it should bring to the human heart.

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."
- Song of Songs 8:4

* True love doesn't just wait; it plans. - Ken Myers
* The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing.
* Girls should assume that until a guy expresses interest , they're just friends.
* Eve was not taken out of Adam's head to top him, neither out of his feet to be trampled by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected by him, and near his heart to be loved by him.

I just pray, now that I have all these wisdom in my head, it just doesn't stay there. Dear Lord, may these words seep into my heart and may these serve as a guiding light as I course through this life.

The greatest revelation to me was the answer to a verse that I came across to a few months back and something that have been parked in my mind.

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?
- Jeremiah 17:9
 

Through my readings I came to realize that we shouldn't rely or trust our own feelings. Emotions come from the beatings of our heart and in some or even most cases, it is misleading. It tells us things, makes us believe and puts a longing that we don't really need.

It is still a struggle waking everyday remembering memories of the recent events... It is still painful to see how someone can change overnight and just somehow go through life as if nothing happened. It is still a battle of will to stop oneself from caring. And it is still tormenting to just see someone's smile. Sometimes you are firm, you are ready to face the world. But sometimes you stumble and breakdown again. I did stumble once and fell really hard. But one of the things I learned from my readings is that "when you realize you've made a mistake, the best thing you can do is tear down the wall and start over."

Going back to the deceitful heart. Joshua Harris answered it for me with this verse:

For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.
-1 John 3:20

At the end of the day, it's not the quantity of books I read that will help me. It's not even the advices of my friends that will make me see things. More so that it's not my own conviction to change that will end my own misery. It all goes back to that one being that is the sole purpose of this life - the lover of my soul, my Lord and saviour. God is indeed greater than anything and anyone else in this world. I choose to put my trust and my life to Him now.