the nightmare is officially over... prayer # 11, 2009

I haven't been writing. Sometimes I get lost for words. The magnitude of the blessings I got and the lessons learned from what my mom had to go through left me at lost for words to describe how the Lord showed that He is in control.
But let me try anyway :)
So it's been almost two weeks since my mom has finally been discharged from the hospital. Just three days short of commemorating the day we rushed her to the hospital. That was a total of 27 days filled with tears, fears, worries, anxiousness, faith, hope and love. Emotions that held me captive. But now that it's over, I honestly find myself a bit drained. Lost, even.
But of course I will be forever grateful to my Lord for seeing me through. Me, my mom and my entire family. Guess what, I went with my mom for her first check-up since her discharge yesterday. We visited three doctors and all are just happy to see my mom on her feet walking and sitting across them at their clinics. Instead of seeing her lying on the hospital room for days. Hearing the doctors saying that she looks normal enough and tests are normal too makes me marvel at it all. I remember that particular Saturday morning with tears streaming down my face as the doctor urges me to go talk to my mom in her comatose state and say my goodbyes...
Clearly, no one can tell the future but the God I serve.
So, as I end this blog series of my mom's struggle to fight her illness and my own family's struggle to cope with the huge hospital fees, I want to express my thanks to everyone who prayed, who texted, who gave money, who loaned me money, who brought me food... everyone of you who cared enough... you are appreciated. I've been telling my mom about each of you and she is amazed that people who hasn't even met her have all unselfishly helped. From me and my entire family, I have nothing to say but a prayer...

Heavenly Father, You know each and everyone who choose to be involved with me and my family during this time. Please remember them and repay what I cannot repay. Bless them mightily, Lord and give back the blessings they shared hundred fold.

As for me and my family, I pray that the lessons learned from all this will forever be in our hearts. The strength I got from You, my Lord may never leave me. The faith that is in me may never waver and the love that I receive may forever be above all other emotions.

Lord, you know what is in my heart. Heal me of whatever is lurking there that I know is there. Amen.

the nightmare is almost over... prayer # 10, 2009

There is always a light at the end of a tunnel. My Saturday nightmare of fourteen days ago is almost over. Thanks to everyone praying. It is official, my mom survived her near miss of having a dissecting aorta aneurysm. She stayed for 10 days at Makati Med's Medical ICU room 15 and later on moved to a female ward for full recovery. As of this writing, she is still there, actually. But three of out of her four doctors have given their "yes" to discharge. So I am pretty sure that in the next few days her ordeal is done. Yey! What a great God I serve, He made all things possible. In most cases of what Mama had, the patient would be long gone by now. But look at her, very much alive, alert and can't wait to get her serving of Halo-Halo with ice cream on top!

It was a harrowing experience. There were a lot of sleep deprivation, mental torture and buckets of tears shed. But I held on and survived with my mom. A lot of people have commented on the strength I seem to posses and being able to go through all this still on my two feet. The answer to that is easy. I chose to give up everything to my God as I sit back and watch Him do His work. 1 Peter 5:7 says Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. And I did just that.

But then again, I am a mere human and still stumble at times. There were moments that I let my mind worry. Especially now that she is out of danger. Because now is the time that I need to face another big problem: Where do I get the hundreds of thousands of peso I need to completely pay off Makati Med for their wonderful work of taking care of Mama? We do have a health care insurance from work. But at the rate of Makat Med's exorbitant fees, we maxed out the limit on our health card by third day alone.

So what do I do with this? Pray of course! :) If anything, the biggest take-away out of this entire experience is to completely surrender, exceedingly trust and fervently pray. You know what a prayer does? It calms the way-wired mind, soothes the beating heart and comforts the tormented spirit.

God in His magnificence is showing me how He could just provide for my needs. He's using the people around me. I am so humbled to share that I have friends and colleagues who care enough to share their own blessings. Thank you, you know who you are, for spearheading the collection at the office... from RFS IT, LTDM and even Customer Care. All of you who took the initiative and shared my burden, I am forever grateful and will never forget this act of kindness.

Yesterday, I partially paid some of the amount due to us. I am still six-digits short! But I trust that I'll get pass this...

So now, please pray some more! Help me pray for the Lord's financial provision. I've exhausted all the possible ways to raise funds. That includes letting go of some of my treasured stuff (huhuhu... goodbye iPhone) and re-drafting our future based on this circumstance. We'll have to move to a lower-rental-cost apartment soon to get things back to normal. But that is okay. This is a mere test. And I am not failing it. :)

We are exploring the PCSO possibilities. Oh Lord, will you just touch the heart of whoever will be handling our case and through PCSO provide the rest of the funds I need? Please pray that our application to PCSO for financial assistance will be granted and in a timely manner too. We are also seeking help from the local government of Makati. Other than these... you have other ideas? :)

Father God, I just thank and praise you for your goodness and mercy. You allowed this to befall us and I accept that this is Your will and I am putting my full trust in You. Lord, you know that we are in dire need of financial help. Thank you Lord for all the blessings I've received so far through my friends and colleagues. Will you please bless each one of them? Repay what I couldn't repay. Remember them as you bestow your blessing and may they see You in all these.

I also lift-up to you my father and brother in US. You know exactly in what financial state they are in. I know they are heavily burdened that they could not support us in this struggle. Please calm their hearts as well, Lord. If they will not be able to shoulder some of the expense because of their own financial struggle, please equip me more with the strength I need as I face this alone.

I just can't thank you enough Lord for blessing me with the work I have. Thank you for putting me in an organization with people who emphatize and extend help. I could not be in a better place than where I am today. I realize Lord that You do have a reason for everything.

Thank you Lord for the lessons I got from this ordeal. May this leave an imprint in my heart that I may forever remember how good You are and how well-taken cared of I am.

I love you, my father in heaven and I cast all my cares on you. Amen.

love story from MICU14

I was asleep at the waiting area at the ICU hallway in Makati Med on Monday night. There can only be one visitor per ICU room so since my cousin traveled all the way from Bulacan to be with Mama, I let her take care of Mama for the night while I stay out in case she needs my help. For some freaking reason, Makati Med decided to have the airconditioning unit turned on at full blast that night. I was freezing cold, I couldn't stop my eyes from dropping as I felt my entire body go on hibernate-mode.
A few hours later, I drowsily opened my eyes and scurrying the place, I saw the old man seated at the far end of the same bench I was seated on. Hmmmm... I've seen this man since Day 1 and he already had the same shirt on. I wonder what is ailing his patient.
As I was stretching at my corner, he rosed from his own sleep and looked at me. I smiled at him politely and went on to my stretching. Then he spoke and started a conversation...
I learned that it was his wife at MICU14, the next door room from Mama. He went on to tell the story of how they came about in Makati Med. He said that his wife was initially confined in the hospital on March 12. But they went out on March 14 because the following day, on the 15th, they are getting married. Again. To celebrate their golden anniversary. Wow, I said. That's so sweet. But on the 16th, they had to go back to Makati med for a series of dialysis. I honestly forgot what exactly was the problem with his wife, though I think it has something to do with the heart too.
Anyway, he went on to continue his story saying on the 25th, his wife was to be discharged from the hospital however, her doctors wanted to change the location where the dialysis is being done (from her sides up to her shoulders). I didn't know why is that and I didn't asked. I just let the old man tell his story as he reminisce on the recent events.
Sadly, that same day that his wife was to be discharged, she had a heart attack and was immediately confined in the ICU. Since then she hasn't regained consciousness and stayed dreamless in her comatose state.
I was both sad and happy with that fact. Sad that the old man had to see her wife in that state and happy that my own mom regained consciousness from a coma in just a matter of hours.
Anyway, the old man just went on to tell more of his story, their family life, their children. I listened intently as I hear the love in every word he utters. How deeply he cares for his wife. Towards the end of his story he told me that he doesn't want to go home to Antipolo, even to change clothes nor eat. His grandchildren goes to the hospital to bring him food. He said he wanted to stay at his wife's side because he wants to be there when she finally opens her eyes. His words were "Gusto ko pag gising nya nasa tabi nya ako para mapatunayan kong mahal ko sya."
Awwwww. Hearing those words from a 72 year old man, married for 50 years and having had two wedding ceremony to the same woman, I was just amazed that such a love exists. I got goosebumbs as I told him "Wow naman po..."
I also told him a bit of mama's condition and he reassured me saying just to keep on praying. Funny how the relatives of the patients in the ICU ward will share stories of their patients and draw strength from each other :)
After that conversation, whenever I'd see him walking really slow with his pillow as he goes to his wife and go back to the waiting area where he eats his food, we'd acknowlege each other with a nod and an encouraging smile. On Wednesday morning, I was in Mama's ICU room. I saw him pass by through the glass doors and he even waved at me. The following morning, I saw him walking and somehow I sensed that he looked really sad.
A few hours later, my brother told me "Namatay na yun pasyente sa 14..." I was overcome with sadness as I realized that the old man will never see his wife's smile again.
Stories like this makes me want to weep with sadness. And to think that the old man was so looking forward to seeing his wife open her eyes so he can still "prove his love" for her. I mean after two wedding ceremonies, you'd think your wife is 100% sure that you are faithfully inlove with her.
What a love story. Though with a sad ending, I want a love story like that. To be able to grow old together with one man. To be able to celebrate fifty years of togetherness. To be loved by a man who's main concern is to prove his love for his wife...
Awwwww...

blessings from MICU15... a reflection for the Holy Week

There is always a good side to every story. The situation that me and my family are in right now, no matter how dim it is, still have some good and light side to it.

I am a firm believer that my Lord and savior knows exactly what He is doing and no matter how hard it is to accept His ways, I will just gladly relent and see how his magnificence will manifest itself.

If anything, this situation just ushered me in closer to the lover of my soul. From Day 1, I've been crying out to Him to give me strength to go through this. And my faith in Him never wavered. Even when the doc was telling me point blank that I may lose my mom in the next few hours, my heart was grieving but my mind is begging God to give me strength.

This ordeal made me realize that I have so much blessing in my life and first of, it is to know that my family, though we are no longer living in one house and though I actually belong to
the "broken family" category, we are all together through thick or thin. After I woke up my younger brother on Saturday morning, I immediately called my 2nd elder brother. I just had to tell him the words mama and Makati Med and he said he'll meet me there. Sure enough he was there just a few minutes after we arrived. Then looks like he immediately informed my third brother, who is now living in Quezon and he decided to travel to Manila to be with Mama. When the doc was telling me Mama's bleak future, I called my Papa in US and later on my eldest brother called up as well.

I love the family I am in, regardless of everyone's iniquities. We are not very open emotionally with each other but in times like this, even without words, I can feel each one's overflowing love and concern with each other.

That is blessing #1 amidst this storm: My broken but intact family

Next on my list are the people around me. I again realized that I am very much loved and cared for by my friends and officemates and church mates. All I had to do is send a message and immediately there are people who takes the time to text back, some even called and cried with me on the phone and those that took the time to travel all the way to Makati just to be with me and to pray with me.

Thanks to friends (Mimi, Dgroup sisters, Cicelle, Mher, Ayie, Pen) who brought me food; thanks to Eric and Ry who did not bring me food but made sure I had a dinner before they left on Sunday-we all went to Tokyo Tokyo to eat; thanks to Ate Rona who sent a fruit and flower basket in behalf of CCF; thanks to those who went to Makati Med but I did not see because I was at home (B1, Kuya Lawrence, Coney, Cathy's parents); thanks to my friends abroad who still took the time to text me and let me know they are praying for Mama (my PnB friends) and thanks to Ry who obliged himself to be with me even through text the night I was all alone taking care of Mama...

There were a lot of people to thank for and I may not be able to list everyone's good deed to me here in this blog, but you are all in my heart and I pray to my Father in heaven that He will
just bless you more.

Kuya Jomar visited me on Tuesday (or was it Wednesday, I lost track of time already). Thank you for taking the time off work to come see me and we had a lengthy conversation, I was filling him with the nightmare I am in and also telling him the Lord's goodness in me during this time. Jokingly I told him that the reason I texted almost eveyone in my phone book on Saturday is because, I remember a saying that says "The prayers of a righteous person avail much..." (The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. - James 5:16) So I was thinking, there must be at least one righteous person out of the 100 who pledged to pray for my mom :)

That was blessing#2: Friends

I felt the Lord working in me. Day 1, though my strength is in Him, I was crying heavily. Those who visited on the first day saw my eyes really puffy and red and I hardly ate anything. Whenever Mama's BP will shoot up to 200/100 or so, I was immediately at her side, begging God not to take her away yet.

Even on the 2nd day, when Mama again had an high BP attack, I was crying. Especially when the doctors asked me to decide whethere I wanted to sign a DNR (Do not resuscitate) or if I
authorize them to revive Mama if her vital stats go down to zero.

But on the third day, I was calm and composed, as Mama had another one of those attacks. The prayers of my dgroup sisters and FMM family when they visited on the first two days are
already working. My eyes are now dry and my mind has blocked off the unlikely sight of losing Mama. I was confident then that she will make it. The big progress in her condition assured me that my Lord is working. I just needed to trust completely and be still.

My third blessing is the time in my hands to commune with the lover of my soul. And it's fitting too, since it's the holy week. A perfect time to reminisce on the Lord's faitfulness.

On the nights that I was inside Mama's room at MICU15, my bible is my companion. I chose to read the book of Job and I got the comfort I needed that God has a grand plan for everything. I flipped through Psalm 91 and was reassured that if we love the Lord, He will rescue us and be with us and will protect us. I scanned through the pentateuch (the first five books) and I just marveled on God's sovereignty and finally, I read through Joshua's book and read this:

"Not one of all the Lord's good promises to the house of Israel failed;
every one was fulfilled."
-Joshua 21:45

It was just comforting to know that I am serving a God who is faithful in fulfilling His promises.

The last blessing I will list today, though really I have so much more, is the gift of hope. Today as I stayed home to relax and reflect this Good Friday, I read a very inspiring message from Francis Kong's website, where he said "The empty tomb is the great message of hope. Death has been conquered and when faith is place on the death Conqueror then life is found. Resurrection Sunday reminds us that God has the last word. So don’t give up hope."

Today I am reminded that my Lord and savior chose to die on the cross to save us from sins and He will rise up on Easter to be a good news to us all. And knowing that fact alone, dims everything else. Yes, I am begging God to extend Mama's life. Yes, I am holding on to His promises that all I need is to ask and I shall receive. Yes, I am thankful for all the blessings I received. But all those fall to a mere second to the most important thing of all: To worship the lover of my soul. 

"I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness
of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord."
-Philippians 3:8

saturday nightmare

Saturday morning, I went home from Friday shift at 5:30 in the morning. Mama was already awake and so while I was playing Mafia Wars, we were chatting and when I told her I am going to bed, she told me she will go out for the day and visit friends in Marikina. Nothing unusual in that so I said "okay."

An hour later, Mama was standing at the foot of my bed, shaking me to wake up. I did and I saw her sat down with fists clutched to her chest. At first I just went to her and was rubbing her arms. I wasn't still completely awake from my slumber so it hasn't sank in how seriously she was having difficulty in breathing. After about five minutes, I think, it finally dawned on me that she was in excruciating pain.

My adrenalin shoot up and I rushed to the other room to wake up my brother so we can bring mama to the hospital. In ten minutes we were out of the house, thanks to the help of my neighbors in bringing mama down from our second floor flat and driving us to Makati Med, ER.

That's how our current predicament started.

Later on in the ER, I would have the hardest conversation in my entire life. As if reliving a scene from "House," the surgeon who is checking on Mama, ushered me and my brother to one of the deserted offices there. I could already feel my blood draining from my face and my own chest feels like it is tightening and I myself am having difficulty breathing. With labored breath, I followed the doc and Kuya to the room and sat on one of the chairs.

In a daze and tear-streaked face, I listened as the doctor painted the bleakest picture of my mom... He said Mama had a "dissecting aorta aneurysm." In my brain, aneurysm is equal to life-threatening condition and true enough, doc said my mom is currently on what we wish we'll only hear in the movies, "50-50 condition." Options such as surgery that guarantees only 10% of survival rate were discussed, along with the hefty amount of how much such a surgery will cost. Words such as "critical," "mortality rate," "comatose," "DNR (Do Not Resuscitate)" were being used casually.

Prior to the doctor talking to me and Kuya, I was already praying hard to God that whatever ails mama will just be temporary, like what happened in January. And being a believer of how prayer works wonders, I started texting almost everyone in my phonebook. I think I started texting at around 12 and those who got my messages will see the progressiveness of Mama's condition as I report everything the docs told me. At first they wanted to open up Mama, that's why I started begging everyone to please donate blood... and later on my text message would say she was already in a coma and might not even make it...

All those happened on Saturday. It's now Thursday and I am just awed and humbled to report that my Lord and Savior has been working miraculously in Mama's life. Even her cardiologist was amazed on her turnaround after just 24 hours of medication on Sunday. As of today, day 6 of her confinement in MICU15 at Makati Med, she is looking and feeling way, way better. She is fully aware and 100% conscious. She feels every bit of the pain the tubes do to her now. It's not a lovely sight but just knowing she is still alive and is fighting for her life is something that I'll forever be grateful to my God for.

However, this does not discount the fact that the torn aorta is still torn, and unless a surgery is done, it will remain open. But I am putting my trust to the Greatest Healer, Jehovah Rapah, my Lord and Savior that He will patch it up miraculously so mama will be 100% fully recovered in no time.

The doctors hasn't discussed any other options about that. They are currently preoccupied stabilizing Mama's heart rate, oxygen intake and BP(blood pressure). Where BP remains to be erratic where she gets sudden attacks showing a BP reading as high as 228/155 (the highest I've seen) and as low as 46/22. Aside from the BP, she is constantly nursing a fever averaging at 38 degrees celsius and is constantly complaining of the heat, where in fact, the room temperature in her ICU room is already really cold, as it forces me to wear two jackets. Her room is the only room in the ICU ward that has an electric fan. Yesterday, she was suddenly in chills. As the coldness of the ice packs given to her to bring down her temperature crept into her body so we had to warm her up by covering her with two blankets, my jackets and a spotlight. Aside from this, she is also coughing up phlegm and so they had to suction those fluids out of her lungs every now and then. She is now being fed through the tube attached through her nose so that is a great relief to her since the first three days she had nothing to eat and thus constantly complain of being hungry.

Regardless of all that, I am still positive that she will make it and we'll just have to continue praying for her fast recovery. God has already blessed us with Mama waking up from a coma on the first day so I don't doubt He can do so much more.

Please join me in praying for a miracle!

"For He wounds, but He also binds up;
He injures, but His hands also heal."
- Job 5:18

continuing the journey (My Salvation Story - Part 2)

Without knowing anyone in CCF, I signed up to join the three-days retreat in Caliraya. I didn't know how I ended up paying the registration fee. In a daze, I just knew I needed something new in my life.

So bravely, on the morning of the first day of retreat, I approached the buses parked in front of St Francis Square. I was totally clueless. I remember approaching a guy holding a guitar standing in front of the bus door and I shyly asked "Eto po ba yung sa One Way retreat?" He smiled at me encouragingly and told me I need to register first at the 5th flr. So I dragged my big bag and went up.

All the while, I am already praying to God, asking Him to take care of me because I don't know a single soul at the time. Thank God for answering my prayers because from there my journey began. Looking back, I can only say God orchestrated everything, and He did it with great care, with loving guidance and with great humor.

After I registered at the 5th floor, I went down again and approached the first bus I saw. Even before I stepped on the bus, my first blessing came in: A woman approached me and asked me if I am attending the retreat. I said yes. She asked me if I'm with someone. I said I don't even know anybody else. She then told me her niece is also attending and that it's her first time to attend such a retreat and that she's all alone too. Then she asked me if it's okay with me to buddy up with her niece. Of course I told her yes! The retreat hasn't even started and yet God is already showing me that He is taking care of me. Isn't it wonderful how He made sure I have someone to talk to in the bus to put me at ease?

Remember what I said about me cursing all the Chinese people I see when my broke up first happened? God have an amazing way of working that out in my life.

The woman's niece is the first friend I'd ever know in the retreat. Her name is Jojie Kho. (Yes... a Chinese surname! And she's fair-skinned too and have chinky eyes) Of course by this time I've already resolved in myself that not all Fil-Chi are the same as my ex's mom, though I still harbor a little hatred stuck in the corners of my heart. I just found it rather funny that God will send someone like her to be my first friend. There were a lot of genuine Filipinas out there too!

Through Jojie Kho, I would meet two other ladies, both equally fair-skinned and chinky-eyed. Yes, both have Chinese blood running through their veins. Jheny Yap and Jen King. All four of us became inseparable during the retreat. I remember texting my friend then, saying “Ang kulit ni Lord, He led me to three FIl-Chinese friends.” I know God was humoring me then. He knows I built a fortress in my heart barring all Chinese-looking people to enter but He just used the same object of my hatred to humble me and show me that He is in control.

I would love to tell the rest of the story in great detail. But to make it short, the second turning point in my Christian life was when Tony dela Paz discussed the Cross in one of the modules of the one way retreat. I remember crying the entire time as I finally understood the depth of what the Lord Jesus has done to save me. I remember flinching as I watch the video showing His passion, knowing very well that my sins put Him through such an ordeal.

After those three days in Caliraya, I left the One Way retreat with the full knowledge on how great God is and with the assurance that I am important to Him and no matter how many Chinese moms tell me that I am nothing but a helper in their eyes and no fit for her son, I know I am a princess in my Lord’s eyes.

That started my involvement in the Music Ministry. I was suddenly burdened to serve. To be used for God's glory. Even as a Catholic, I’ve always dreamed of being a part of the choir. But I am very much aware that I have a mediocre voice. But one thing I realized is that when you have the desire to serve the Lord in one area and you have a passion to pursue it, He will make a way for you to serve Him gladly. He has that much power to equip you. The most important thing is that you just offer your time to the Lord and He will do the rest. I began to realize the fact that everything on this earth belongs to Him. My life, my talents, all of me. I have nothing to offer Him that He does not own already. Except for my time. That is the only area where I have full control of. How to use my time and since then, I committed all of me to him.

In July of 2007, for the first time, I sang on stage as one of the prompters in the Tagalog Service. And since then, I found my greatest joy on earth: To sing praises to the lover of my soul, Jesus Christ.

As with all born again Christians getting to know the Lord deeper, I began to feel the changes in me. The hatred in my heart started to melt and I gained back the confidence to be friend other people, Chinese people included. And one of the startling changes in me, believe it or not, is the way I look physically. Since then, I would always hear a compliment that I am looking way better now than I did ever before. Of course, I went to salons to have my hair done and I actually pursued boxing to slim down but the truth of the matter is, it is all God’s doing. Now, I realize that when you have Christ in you, His glory shines its brightest that you just exude a radiance that people notice. There is just a different glow in you.  

In John 16:22 Jesus said, “Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.”

That time in my life was definitely a time of grief. It is still at the top of my list of the saddest moments I’ve ever had. I mourned for the loss of the only man I ever loved, I cried over the memories that continue to haunt me and I grieved over my own iniquities. But now, I can honestly say that I have found my true joy in Jesus. With Him, I will be forever satisfied.

Of course, my journey does not end there. It will only get more challenging and I’ve had a number of ups and downs since then. I still stumble, I still have some doubts, sometimes I still question God but our relationship started there at the retreat. Jesus became real to me and I just find myself confiding in Him more than I ever did. Knowing the real Jesus did not make me a perfect christian overnight. Until now I am relying to His everlasting grace in my everyday life.

But that episode in my life forever changed me. I now hold no grudge nor hatred towards my ex nor to any member of his family. But it was a very long process. It’s been two years. It took me that long to finally sit down and write all these. And guess what, I may have felt a pinch in my heart as I recall the scenes of my past life but I can honestly say I have moved on completely and I can only say thanks to my ex and to his entire family for teaching me the following things: (1) That I only need Jesus in my life (2) God uses the most unpleasant experiences in our life to draw us near to Him (3) No matter how deep the wound is, the lover of my soul can heal it completely (4) I learned to pray really hard and understood the importance of setting a quiet time with the Lord (5) I learned to give thanks in all circumstances. As it says in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

where it all started (My Salvation Story - Part 1)

My salvation story isn't a jaw-dropping amazing story like most of the sharers I seem to hear in Sunday Services. I don't have abusive parents, I don't have drug-addicted brothers, no life-threatening diseases and I don't even smoke.

I've led a pretty much boring life. I've been a goody-two-shoes student, an always-present-in-Catholic-Sunday-Masses person and have never intentionally hurt anyone. I took my schooling in a private catholic school for girls. We have Friday masses. I was sometimes tasked to do the bible readings during mass. We hold a bible study every month during my junior and senior year in high school. I joined the animators club who confidently stand in front of the entire student body and do the action to certain Christian songs such as "Shine Jesus Shine”. I was an active member of our organization called "Children of Mary." I dutifully wear the medallion to school every day. I pray before I go to sleep and if I remember it, I say my grace before I eat.

So all along I thought I was okay.

Then I entered my junior year in College and met the person who would save and hurt me. My now ex-boyfriend saved me when he shared the gospel to me. First he invited me to attend the Sunday Service at GCM. Then followed a series of talks about our religion, including a lengthy phone conversation that lasted until the wee hours of the morning where I was indignantly defending my faith and the need to worship Mother Mary. To make the long story short, I was eventually convicted and through what became a regular Sunday service date with the Lord, I accepted him, the true Him, as my personal Lord and savior and I began to believe that He is the only way to heaven because He died for my sins and rose again. What a great news!

That should have been the end to my salvation story. But no, God was working amazingly in my life. For six and a half years of being together with my ex-boyfriend, combined with regular Sunday services, one retreat, a water baptism, a regular cell group meeting and six sessions of nurture class studying the biblical foundation of our Faith... I thought I am perfectly well in my Christian walk.

But I chose to be blinded by the sin that started to creep in slowly in our relationship. We were always making compromises and on his part, he started to disobey his parents.

By the way, my ex was a Filipino-Chinese and though his immediate family has been a Christian for a long time already, they didn't like me for my ex. For six years, we've battled and fought for our relationship. Though his family has never really mistreated me vis-a-vis, I've heard of their degrading comments such as calling me a "wanapo." In a Chinese household, that refers to the helper. In a Filipino household, a mere "katulong."

In January of 2007, I started to see changes in my ex. He started to look for things that I lack and things that I will never have. For six years he didn't mind our social gap. Him, belonging to the upper class society and me stuck in my average-income-generating household. And not only that, for some reason, he didn't mind my big eyes, morena complexion and chubby built during our six years in a relationship. But all of a sudden, he started coaxing me to go on a diet, take whitening pills and study mandarin.

He is "requesting" that I change. For his mom.

To say that I was insulted is an understatement. But because of my love for him, I did what he told me to do. I started taking whitening pills, we enrolled in a basic mandarin class and I started lessening my food in take.

But in February of 2007, a few days before I celebrated my birthday, he said he can't take the pressure from home anymore and so he hurt me big time when he broke up with me.

I fought and insisted we can work it out. I swore I'll be slim and will be fluent in mandarin. I promised to do whatever it takes as long as he does not leave me. In a last desperate attempt, I went with his family on a trip to Malaysia in March.

We've actually have that trip scheduled way back in November of 2006. But when he first broke up with me in February 2007, I initially said I will not join that trip anymore, obviously! But he was still a little confused at the time and begged me to come to Malaysia anyway as a last attempt to get to know his mom.

So I did.

I spent seven days with him, his mom, his brother and his two aunties. They were courteous enough and I'd say we even enjoyed touring the city. Me and my ex would still walk hand in hand and take pictures together. I thought it was going well. But on our fifth night, two nights before we go back to manila, I had the hardest conversation in my entire life.

I was seated in the dining table across my ex's mom. My ex and his brother were seated in the living area, just a few steps away from the dining table, watching a local Malaysian channel. Suddenly his mom started the conversation... "Alam mo, Jeliene, nahihirapan ako sayo..." From those words sprang all the things that a girlfriend wouldn't wish to hear from her boyfriend's mom. I vaguely remember it now but I do remember it was then that his mom explained to me that she doesn't think I am good enough for his son. She pointed out all my faults. My family background, my separated parents, the money I earn at work, my inability to speak Chinese... she even went as far as pointing out that I have a hideously looking chubby legs and big butt and big eyes and that my skin isn't as fair as hers. Yes, I was crying in front of her. I mean, who wouldn't? My heart couldn't take all that in so I resolved to crying. Oh yes, my ex and his brother were still watching the TV set all this while. But I'd say they were probably more interested in the conversation going on in the dining area.

Of course, I fought feebly. I muttered a few defenses that I hardly recall now. I insisted I have a Chinese surname and that should count for something. I said I can learn to speak Mandarin.. In fairness to his mom, she wasn't shouting at me then. She was so composed, as if talking to a mere child. And towards the end, she said I may still be "okay" for his son, if only I enroll in John Robert Powers finishing school, I continue studying mandarin, I go on a diet and take more whitening pills. In short, she wants a magic to work and change me completely.

Looking back, I can only thank God for keeping me sane and for keeping me composed. I did not lash out to her and we were able to remain civil for one more day and one more night in Malaysia until the travel back to Manila.

Of course, what happened next is that my ex has officially left me. My entire six years and seven months of building my life around him has just suddenly disappeared. The dreams I was nursing in my head all vanished. The time I spent in that relationship has now gone to waste.

I succumbed to a depression and hatred has seeped in my heart. I started to curse all the fair-skinned and chinky eyed individuals I see. (Yes, I am referring to Chinese people) Can you blame me? I felt as if I just experienced first hand what San Chai did in my favorite Taiwanese drama, Meteor Garden.

I stopped going to church. I stopped reading the bible. I even stopped praying.

But God has other plans for me. He used my friend, to remind me that He exists and that He is Faithful and that He loves me. My friend invited me to attend a Sunday Service in CCF in April. Of course, I felt the Lord when I attended the Sunday service with her but the first turning point in my life was when I attended the service all by myself the following Sunday. I remember seating at the back and dutifully I stood during praise and worship. I remember it was Chuck and Coco leading the Praise & Worship then and they sang my now salvation song "All for Love." It was then that I really opened my heart to God and surrendered all my cares on Him. I was unmindful of the people around me. I was crying and talking to God, asking Him why He allowed all that to happen...

After that particular Sunday service, I felt the thirst to get to know the Lord more. When I stepped out of the auditorium, I saw the booth for the Encounter 1 - One Way Singles Retreat. On an impulse, I signed up and my life was never the same again.

** Thanks to our FMM assignment, I finally had a chance to put my salvation story in black and white. This is rather long so I'm cutting it here. Will continue the second part tomorrow **