Giving up the Battlefield... Prayer # 3, 2009

Last Saturday I went to my first music ministry practice for the year. The truth is I was once again tempted not to attend at all. Shame on me for thinking that since Mama is still in the hospital, I have a very valid reason not to attend. I can easily claim that I’m in the hospital looking out for my mom. Family is important anyway. But no, thank God for taking charge of my mind today, I was able to fight off that thought and go to CCF.

 

I love going to prompting practices. It clears my mind off its usual clutter and let me focus on singing for the lover of my soul. I love watching my choir mates joke around, teach each other the right tunes and chat away filling in the events of the week to each other. I love hearing the live band practicing the songs. I love the way the drums seem to beat powerfully to my heart, waking me and preparing me to worship. I love how the sounds of the piano keys create the most astoundingly beautiful music for my Lord. Combine that with strumming of guitar strings and one can just marvel at the beauty of it all. But most of all, I love and look forward to my there-you-go moments, where while singing, I can just clearly see the ineptitude of my decisions.

 

I had one of those moments today.

 

So while I was looking at my song sheet and singing softly with the rest of my co ministry members, I suddenly realized the reason why I had a little hatred in my heart towards that one person I supposedly have surrendered to the Lord. Remember how I seem to have forgiven this person and I was able to really go with my every day activities not minding the little pinches in my heart that still exist? Remember how I claimed to be okay and on the road to full recovery? Remember how suddenly ecstatic and content I was to be joyfully single while waiting on the Lord?

 

Over the holidays, the peace in my mind and the stillness of my heart took the backseat. And I became bitter once again remembering what my recent experiences made me feel. I wallowed in self-pity and self-righteousness thinking I didn’t deserve to be treated the way I was treated and convincing myself that I deserve a little revenge to patch up my severely wounded ego.

Now I realize I was wrong. Yes, I may have a right to feel those things but the fact that I have a Big God hovering my entire being I shouldn’t have nursed that hatred and let it consume me. It was like after I surrendered everything to God, I suddenly had a second thought and asked him to give all my concerns back to me.

 

Why did I ever to that?

 

The reason was shown clearly to me today. There are two things that happened why this sudden change in my attitude transpired.

 

First reason: I was not able to really spend time with my Lord during the long break. Yes, it would have been a perfect opportunity to catch up with my bible reading but what did I do? I replaced my quiet times doing worldly things. (Think internet!) I already knew that if even once I break the connection between me and my savior, I am practically screaming “hey satan, do your thing!” I was open for temptation and being the gullible that I am, I can easily be swayed off.

 

Reason #2: This is all Stephenie Meyer’s fault!!! Okay, sorry I am passing on the blame to someone else. Of course, it was entirely my fault. I saturated myself with Edward, Bella, Jacob and the rest of the Twilight Saga gang. Instead of filling my mind with the wonderful promises of the lover of my soul by reading his words, I filled it in with romantic words by reading the twilight saga series.

 

That is actually the catalyst why I am just that – bitter and revengeful. I realized that reading the love story of Edward and Bella reignited the longing in my heart. Something that God is already working on closing gradually which I ripped open and even making it larger by creating an even bigger wound. While I was marveling at the love between Edward and Bella I was also recreating another story in my head. Yes, you knew about it, you read it in my previous blogs. So I began to see myself in the words that I am reading and since my story wasn’t a happy ending like the characters in the book has been, I started living in an alternate world where my mind was filled with the what-should-have-beens in my own love life.

 

I started to forget the lessons I learned the past months. The takeaways I got from reading Joshua Harris’ books and the words I heard from Francis Kong during the BIG 4 retreat were overshadowed by the intensity of my rekindled longing to be cared of and loved by another person. The answer that God gave me almost two months ago and the promises that accompanied that No for an answer faded into a mere memory. So I began to doubt that my Father in heaven knew of my concerns and is actually working on it already.

 

But thank God for his infinite wisdom and faithfulness He did not leave me in this pit of bitterness and rage. Thank God for my there-you-go moment that I started to see the truth. When the Lord impresses something in your heart, He backs it up thru other means that I may not forget easily. How fitting that the following day, during the Sunday service, I would hear of the verse from Ephesians 6:12 where it says that our struggle is not against flesh and blood… but against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Pastor Peter went on to explain that the evil one uses the people dear to us to draw us away from God, to break that connection we have from our savior. But the thing is, these people are just being used as well.

 

I now realized that through my readings of the twilight saga books there was a reawakening of my worldly longings that happened. And out of frustration, I vent all my bitterness and rage towards this person when I should not. My battle is all internal and shouldn’t have been towards someone else. Though yes, it was true I was hurt and stomped upon by this person but the thing is I allowed myself to be put in that situation. All my rage shouldn’t have been existing now. I realized that when I took back my concerns from God, I was allowing more hurt to be inflicted upon myself. But today I realized I had it all wrong. I was already on the road to recovery before I started reading the twilight saga books. I was already holding on to the amazing truth that my happiness is not dependent on another person but on God alone.

 

When I decided to cut off this person from my life, I have to be honest; I did not really pray about it first. I mean, not sincerely. I did pray that the reason I am doing it is because I want to start a fresh new year. But now I see my motivation was still driven by hatred. I suddenly wanted to be in charge and so I concocted schemes on how to recover on my own. Though the plans I did thought off were somehow still valid and effective, I failed to recognize that I really didn’t have to do anything but just pray about it. No need for drastic measures of cutting someone off your life. Because what did that result of? I offended this person and ruined his own conviction to change and be better for God. I unnecessarily dampen his spirit by letting him know that someone like me is seething mad at him. I know if that was me and someone I know doesn’t want to talk to me again then my spirit will be troubled.

 

So now, I am returning this concern back to God. I will no longer do anything from my end. Whatever comes my way, I trust that the Lord is backing me up and is guiding my actions. Even if people around me will chastise me for being too trusting and allowing my vulnerable side to be open again, I guess I don’t care anymore. If that person who I just chose to forgive will keep hurting me, I will not retaliate. It’s between him and God. As for me, I am just going to stand still, wait and put my full trust in His loving arms.

 

“Do not be afraid or discouraged…

For the battle is not yours, but God’s”

- 2 Chronicles 20:15

 

Heavenly Father, thank you for this day and for opening my eyes. I want to come back to you, stripped of all bitterness and hatred in my heart. From this moment on take the wheel from my hands and lead me where you want me to be. Continue changing my heart that I may remain pure from this moment on. I surrender this person to you. Please guard all my actions towards him. Sometimes his audacity irritates me and makes me react negatively. Please help me humble myself more and just treat him amiably at all times. Help me remind myself that my battle is not against this person. Equip me with your words and promises that I will not be easily swayed whenever the great deceiver will put doubts and other thoughts in my mind. All this I pray in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen.

 

This prayer, I again got from Stormie Omartian’s book “The Power of a Praying Woman” and I claim the same plea…

 

Lord, help me to never exchange Your truth for a lie. Where I have accepted a lie as truth, reveal that to me. Help me to clearly discern when it is the enemy who is speaking. I don’t want to think futile and foolish thoughts or give place to thoughts that are not glorifying to You (Romans 1:21). I don’t want to walk according to my own thinking (Isaiah 65:2). I want to bring every thought captive and control my mind.