So it's the new year, huh? Finally bid 2008 good bye and hopefully all the not-so-good-things flushed down the drain as well.
Yesterday I made a list of the things that were included in the "blessings in 2008" category. And that made me feel good. Kind of made me feel like 2008 was pretty much an okay year too (2007 is still my all-time favorite year) despite that freaking heartache I'm still not completely over with. Can I just wish for that entire episode in my life to be just wiped out from my memory so in the years to come I can look back at this 2008 and actually feel real good about it? (if only shift+delete works... hehehe)
Oh, what the heck... it's the new year! I should repel all these negative thoughts out of my mind and really help myself in starting anew.
Guess what I did before the year ends? I decided to cut someone off my life. If only I can really make that person disappear it would have been perfect. Not that I'm nursing hatred in my heart for this person (okay, so maybe a little...) but I just want to protect myself, knowing how gullible I am I'd better take extra precautionary measures. Call it a defense mechanism if you will. I need to detoxify myself of things, persons and events I want to forget (or at least push back the memory at the farthest recesses of my mind so it won't be as vivid whenever I would remember).
Once I read in a magazine that one way to get over a guy is to "He-tox" (detox, gets?). I did that in 2007 when I had my heart broken the first time and I think it helped a lot. The key is to cut all communication channels so even if you get that sudden "i-miss-him-i-want-to-talk-to-him" attacks, you won't because you don't know how to reach out. The next on my list of plan of action is while pushing back the good memories at the back of your mind, try to bring the bad ones right up front. Yes, make sure you remember that one time he told you he is losing interest in you. Freeze that moment in your mind or if you have it on email, make a screen shot and make it your wallpaper so if your mind plays tricks on you and makes you think like you miss him, open your your laptop and stare on the screen and be reminded, he ditched you and actually had the nerve to tell you that you no longer interest him.
Don't you just love the internet? It's a very powerful tool. In just a click of the button, you'd find out what he did on Christmas day and that should be added to your growing list of just-stab-me-in-the-heart-will-you moments. Hold that thought! Engrave it in your brain! Remember it well and realize it's time to open up your freaking eyes and see the truth as ugly as it is.
So what do you do when suddenly your traitorous mind replays that one time you spent together looking towards the horizon eagerly sharing your lives with each other? Or that one time he was so irritatingly sweet and thoughtful and he held you in his arms as if he'd protect you even from the slightest harm? Or what about those text messages that greet your eyes when you open them first thing in the morning? What to do? Simple, savor it for a second and then open your window real wide and... jump! Hehehe... just kidding!
One thing I learned from this entire heart-wrenching experience is the knowledge that there is a being ready to catch me whenever I let myself fall. I do get the comfort I need whenever I talk to the lover of my soul. If only I can be in constant communication every single minute with my savior every thing will be fine. But I falter. I stumble. I get stubborn and let myself succumb to the pain and torment of reliving the past. But after a while, when I couldn't bear it anymore then I start to pray... Prayer is a powerful tool, more powerful than the internet definitely. So I just pray and beg God to change my heart... And change his heart too, of course. Ask God to make him realize that I am a human being too and no matter how unladylike I may appear on the outside, I am soft and fragile inside. My mind is my greatest enemy. It works on its own and puts me in agony sometimes when it does that flashback technique and makes me relive memories.
Oh crap, see how my mind wandered and made me write about that heartache again? This blog should have been more upbeat and optimistic since it's day 1 of 2009!
Oh well, can't help it. Admit it or not, that became a big part of my 2008 and I have no choice but just to bear with it until I've fully recovered. But as I said I am just hopeful of the promise that this new year will bring. If I can just stick to the "he-tox" plan, I am bound to be whole again, all patched up and ready to be broken by the next one that comes along.
Here, let me share my prayer for today, for this year... Taken from the book "The Power of a Praying Woman" from Stormie Omartian:
Lord, I pray that you will set me free from my past. Wherever I have made the past my home I pray that You would deliver me, heal me, and redeem me from it. I choose to make my Home with You. Help me to let go of anything I have held onto of my past that has kept me from moving into all You have for me. Enable me to put off all former ways of thinking and feeling and remembering (Ephesians 4:22-24). Give me the mind of Christ so I will be able to understand when I am being controlled by memories of past events.
I don't want to tie myself to the past by neglecting to forgive any person or event associated with it. Help me to forgive what needs to be forgiven. Specifically, I pray that You would deliver me from the effects of my recent heartache. I release my past to You and everyone associated with it so You can restore what has been lost.Everything that was done to me or I have done which causes me pain, I surrender to You. May it no longer torment me or affect what I do this year. Make me glad according to the days in which I have been afflicted and the years I have seen evil (Psalm 90:15). Thank You that You make all things new and You are making me new in every way (Revelation 21:5).
Help me to keep my eyes looking straight ahead and not look back on the former days and old ways of doing things. I know You want to do something new in my life today. Help me to concentrate on where I am to go now and not where I have been. Release me from the past so I can move out of it and into the future You have for me. Amen.
"Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."
- Isaiah 43:18-19
Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."
- Isaiah 43:18-19
Hi Jels. As Christ has been victorious on the cross, He had already declared your victory over these chains of your past. Continue to look unto Jesus, for in seeing Him, you become like Him. Victorious.
ReplyDeleteThanks Rei for helping me sort out more clutter in my mind today :) Keep me in your prayer book :)
ReplyDeleteI will, all caps J-E-L-I-E-N-E hehe muwah!
ReplyDeleteDeal with it one step at a time, before you know it, you have taken cared of everything :D