It's the last day of the year! Most of the people around the world are doing the last glance on what their 2008 has offered. A trip down the memory lane. I might as well join the wagon and do that to.
So this is the year end review of my life.
Before I start, I just want to thank the Lord for another year under his wings. All the things I did, the feelings I felt, the joy I laughed at, the pictures I posed to, the pictures I took, the food I ate, the money I spent, the hugs I received, the tears I cried, the prayers I uttered, the people I loved, the person I want to hate, the words I used to compose a blog, everything... were made possible because of the lover of my soul. Praise and Glory to my God!
Okay, now let us begin... Let's do a list of all the blessings I got this year!
Digital Review:
* In May, I bought a 160GB external hard drive / media player that allows me to watch my movie/drama/anime downloads from a TV.
* In June, I bought a new point and shoot camera (the red fujifilm) to replace my four years old Sony Cybershot.
* In July, my work assigned me another laptop, the Dell latitude to be with my old, hand-me-down IBM laptop.
* In October, my friend gave me my Sony PSP slim.
* In November, my Apple iPhone celebrate its one year anniversary with me clad with metallic pink casing this time to party with my equally metallic pink PSP (hehehe).
* Latest acquisition just in Dec 24... my all-time favorite gadget of the year... My new
baby Canon 1000d SLR (aka Candy.. hehe).
Geographical Review:
New Places I visited:
* Caramoan, Camarines Sur (August)
* CWC, Camarines Sur (August)
* Bohol (November)
* Lago de Oro, Batangas (October)
Places I revisited:
* Boracay (August)
* Chateau Royale, Batangas (December)
* Tagaytay (multiple trips in the fourth quarter of this year)
* Laguna
Hotels and Resorts I stayed at:
* Shangri-La Hotel (Eloisa's birthday)
* Astoria (Karen's birthday)
* Tirona Hotel (Tagaytay, with RFS IT gang)
* Alona Beach Resort (Bohol)
* Shenna's Resort (Boracay)
* Rex Inn (Caramoan)
* CWC Container Vans (Cam-sur)
* Salazar Private Pools (Pansol, Laguna)
Best Coffee Shop:
* Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf at Bonifacio High Street
Social-Life Review:
Friends I had to say goodbye for a while to because they are working elsewhere in the globe:
* Eloisa (Singapore)
* Faye (Singapore)
* Karen (Dubai)
Friends we said welcome back for visiting us this year:
* JayAnn (from Australia)
* Eloisa (from Singapore)
* Vanessa (from Dubai)
* Cathy (from Canada)
* Faye (from Singapore)
* Macky (from Dubai)
New Friends I got close to this year:
* Ayie, Cicelle, Ryan, Carl, B1, Eric, Cyrus, Jinky (new travel-mates... hehehe)
* Verna (kapalit ni Karen... hehehe)
* Twiti (ni Joan... hahaha)
Prayer / Accountability Partners:
* Jheny, Coney, Ate Rona
* Ms My
* Charly
Events and Celebrations:
* Joseph the Dreamer Musical at CCF (March)
* Hillsong United Concert (May)
* Kitchie Nadal free Concert at UCM (May)
* Tommy Walker Concert (May)
* JayAnn-Rancel Wedding (June)
* Cinderella Musical (August)
* BIG 4 Singles Retreat (December)
* CCF Christmas Cantata (December)
* Six Christmas Parties! (December)
* Rhea-Sonny Wedding (December)
New networks I joined in:
* Facebook
* Wordpress
* LinkedIn
Intellectual Review (hehehe):
Books I read (that I still remember):
* I kissed dating goodbye (Joshua Harris)
* Boy Meets Girl (Joshua Harris)
* Not even a Hint (Joshua Harris)
* What to do until love finds you (Michelle McKinney Hammond)
* Joyfully Single (Harold Sala)
* What matters most for women (Devotional)
* Really Bad Girls of the Bible (Liz Curtis Higgs)
* The Power of a Praying Woman (Stormie Omartian)
* When God writes your love story (Eric and Leslie Ludy)
* Twilight (Stephenie Meyer)
* New Moon (Stephenie Meyer)
* Eclipse (Stephenie Meyer)
* Breaking Dawn (Stephenie Meyer)
New things I learned (and re-learned):
* Basic Japanese (continuation from last year)
* Basic Photography (okay, super teeny weeny basic.. haha.. what I got lang from online)
* How to reformat a laptop (hehehe :P)
* How to post in website using html
* Understanding imbeciles (wahahaha)
* How to be an imbecile (bwahahaha)
Things I haven't done before that I did this year:
* Wakeboard (in Camsur and Lago)
* Rock Climbing (in Caramoan)
* Parasailing (in Boracay)
* Paintball (in The Fort :P)
* Get hooked in Photography (like actually taking decent pictures rather than just posing in front of the camera like the previous years)
* Participate in 2K walk for Unicef Fun Run
* Join choir in back up for Tommy Walker (CCF, June)
* Volunteer as transcriber for CCF
* Cruise Manila Bay while watching Pyrolympics and having dinner (May)
* Cut my hair really short! (and cut it every now and then)
* Cut my Citibank credit card (literally)
Other Milestones:
* Promotion in July, transfer to RFS IT
* Moved to a new apartment
Songs consistently on my playlist:
* Thank You - The Katinas
* Sweetly Broken - Jeremy Camp
* I Can Only Imagine - Mercy Me
* I Still Believe - Jeremy Camp
* Who Am I - Casting Crowns
* Indescribable - Chris Tomlin
* Breathe - The Katinas
* Tonight - FM Static
* Code - Nishikido Ryo
Hmmm... have I covered everything? Any other category I might have missed? I'll think some more and will update if I remember something :) Or if you remember something I did, we did, or any milestone for this year, let me know, leave a comment so it can be added here! Hehehe!
But... looking at this current list now... I just have to say... I've been abundantly blessed!
Thank you to all the people I shared these moments with. I couldn't have asked for a better company.
And of course, Thank you Lord for all these!
Please bless us more in 2009!
Tuesday, 30 December 2008
Sunday, 28 December 2008
'But I can't fight with an eclipse'
I just finished book 3 of the Twilight Saga, "Eclipse." I started reading it on the 24th but it was exceptionally hard for me to finish, compared to the previous two books. Though it was really a great story and I think the best of the series so far, there were a lot of moments where I just needed to take a break from reading. I mean even if sleepiness hasn't taken it's toll on me yet, I simply chose to put the book down at times because I can again see myself in the pages, in Jacob's point of view. It became painful sometimes seeing myself, hearing myself and reading myself in Jacob's dialogues in the book.
(Warning for those who hasn't read and will read the Book, stop reading right now...)
The story goes that when Edward left Bella in Book 2, it was Jacob that became her constant companion. They became friends and were inseparable. It was apparent immediately that Jacob will eventually fall for Bella and he did. Now, either Bella was too stupid not to realize that her new "best friend" was in love with her or she simply chose to ignore that and enjoy all the benefits she got from that friendship with Jacob.
In Book 3, Jacob unashamedly admitted to Bella that he was in fact in love with her. Bella insisted that she loves Jacob too, but not in love with him. She does not want to stop seeing Jacob and wants to continue being friends with him even if Edward is back and of course, Edward loves her dearly. In short, she was enjoying the best of both worlds.
When I was reading Book 2, I told my friends I didn't like Jacob for Bella. Of course, I wanted Edward with his cold, stoic and protective presence to be the one who'll be with Bella in the end. And though reading Book 3 made me empathize with Jacob completely, I still think Edward should be with Bella.
Now, here's the thing, as I said I can see myself in Jacob's eyes. If you've been reading my blogs, you've been to my innermost, honest and raw emotions. Now let me tell you the real story behind those feelings.
To put it simply, I became a "Jacob" just recently to a "Bella". (Of course, that Bella is a representation of this guy I met and "Edward" is the representation of his ex) I became too close for comfort with that one guy and slowly I started to give him pieces of myself. We had it going for a while. I thought he was already falling for me too... heck, he actually started to tell me he's already falling for me too. And I believed him. Then I guess this guy's "Edward" came back. Actually I don't think she left at all, she has always been there but looks like my "Bella's" feelings for "Edward" started to come back during the time when I started to fall intensely for him. Heard of the word "rebound?" Yeah, that's merely what I've become to my "Bella.
So it has been painfully hard for me seeing "Bella" treating me just a friend. As if we didn't share anything at all in those few fleeting weeks, even months we did spend. Like Jacob, I didn't mind being there even if "Edward" is back. I was ready and had preconditioned my mind that I am just a friend. And believe me, I tried my hardest to be just that. But to make matters worst, I started to see the changes in "Bella." He stopped caring altogether as if he just pulled out the plug of his so-called "feelings" for me. But he still talks to me, alright. My eyes lit up whenever I'd see a text or chat window opening up with his messages. So eagerly I'd respond and give him what he wants. However, just recently I begin to realize, the only times that he'd initiate a conversation with me is only when he has a question, if there is something that I can give him in return. Where was the friendly conversation between friends where you ask each other of things just to be informed, instead of to be serviced? Without putting up a fight, sometimes I'd initiate a conversation and tell him how my day went... but it was just not the same. Truly, as he candidly told me anyway, I am no longer of interest to him. And I felt that.
I should have stopped talking to him to preserve the little dignity I have left. But no, and indeed like "Bella" this guy would always come to me if there is something he needs that I can help him with. And the imbecile that I am, I always come running even if he'd just wag his finger at me... It seems that I can't say no to whatever he needs... my time... my expertise... everything is his for the taking. He either conveniently forgot that I once confessed of my feelings for him or he chose to ignore and just enjoy the benefits that comes with our friendship.
For a time I didn't mind. Or I chose not to mind. I was thinking it's better to pretend that I am okay as friends than lose him altogether. Like a puppy needing his master's attention and approval, I was just there... whenever I am needed. Though at the back of my mind, there is a conclusion already that he really didn't have the "feelings" for me the way I was led to believe. I believe I have even given up the hope of a future together. But these things you can't just shove under the table and forget in the morning. I still haven't moved on completely.
So reading a few lines in this book made me realize my own stupidity. Here, let me again quote Stephenie Meyer's descriptive writing....
(Jacob talking to Bella)
"No, I don't. You decide, Bella. You can have me the way I am - bad behavior included - or not at all."
I stared at him, frustrated. "That's mean."
"So are you."
That pulled me up short, and I took an involuntary step back. He was right. If I wasn't mean - and greedy, too - I would tell him I didn't want to be friends and walk away. It was wrong to try to keep my friend when that would hurt him. I didn't know what I was doing here, but I was suddenly sure that it wasn't good."
** This scene made me want to scream at my own "Bella" and say keeping me for a friend is hurting me! Why won't you just leave altogether? Don't you know that it is wrong to try to keep a friend when that would hurt her?
(Edward talking to Bella)
"He knew what he was doing."
"Do you think that matters?" I was blinking back tears, and this was easy to hear in my voice. "Do you think I care whether it's fair or whether he was adequately warned? I'm hurting him. Every time I turn around, I'm hurting him again." My voice was getting louder, more hysterical. "I'm a hideous person."
** This one made me wish he'd really turn into a Bella and have same realization she had. Every time he turns around (whatever he does now) is hurting me again.
(Jacob talking to Bella)
"No." Jacob shook his head. "I'm exactly right for you, Bella. It would have been effortless for us - comfortable, easy as breathing. I was the natural path your life would have taken..." He stared into space for a moment, and I waited. "If the world was the way it was supposed to be, if there were no monsters and no magic..."
** And this scene, is what I would envision in my fantasy on what I will tell my Bella. "It would have been effortless for us..."
Reading this book is like reading the outcome of this episode in my life. Bella will try to talk to Jacob and soften the blow of rejection but in the end, Bella and Edward will get married. That leaves Jacob running into the woods, wanting to forget Bella, wishing to forget the memories and hoping to forget himself, who he has become with Bella.
Since the year is coming to an end, I realized, I should do as Jacob did... Sulk a little, cry in anguish some more, but run into the woods and just let go. Somehow I wish my Bella will just vanish. Or at least, stop treating me like a freaking friend because no matter how many times I told myself that I am okay with that set up, I'm simply not! My emotions are as erratic as the heart of someone having a heart attack. I am not a computer that can reformat its hard drive and reboot myself and start with a clean slate. I am a living being who has a heart that feels, a mind that thinks and a pair of eyes that cry.
So to my Bella, if by any stroke of luck you chanced upon this page and is actually reading this blog and has even come to this part, my plea is this: Leave me alone for now and let me suffer in silence. Us being friends will not work out. It's been months that I tried to put up that farce and look at me now, still blogging about these damn feelings. Go where you are happy the most and if that is not with me, then leave me alone. You are just hurting me whenever you act like a good friend. Of course I am appreciative of all that you've done but let's leave it at that as we leave this year behind us. Let me finally pick up the broken pieces of my shattered dream without you hovering like a brother because with every broken piece that I pick up, I drop two whenever you'd come to me. You have to do it. Get away from me. Because I sure can't get away from you. You know you just need to ask and I'd come. So please stop using me.
"He's like a drug for you, Bella." His voice was still gentle, not at all critical. "I see that you can't live without him now. It's too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun."
The corner of my mouth turned up in a wistful half-smile. "I used to think of you that way, you know. Like the sun. My personal sun. You balanced out the clouds nicely for me."
He sighed. "The clouds I can handle. But I can't fight with an eclipse."
(Warning for those who hasn't read and will read the Book, stop reading right now...)
The story goes that when Edward left Bella in Book 2, it was Jacob that became her constant companion. They became friends and were inseparable. It was apparent immediately that Jacob will eventually fall for Bella and he did. Now, either Bella was too stupid not to realize that her new "best friend" was in love with her or she simply chose to ignore that and enjoy all the benefits she got from that friendship with Jacob.
In Book 3, Jacob unashamedly admitted to Bella that he was in fact in love with her. Bella insisted that she loves Jacob too, but not in love with him. She does not want to stop seeing Jacob and wants to continue being friends with him even if Edward is back and of course, Edward loves her dearly. In short, she was enjoying the best of both worlds.
When I was reading Book 2, I told my friends I didn't like Jacob for Bella. Of course, I wanted Edward with his cold, stoic and protective presence to be the one who'll be with Bella in the end. And though reading Book 3 made me empathize with Jacob completely, I still think Edward should be with Bella.
Now, here's the thing, as I said I can see myself in Jacob's eyes. If you've been reading my blogs, you've been to my innermost, honest and raw emotions. Now let me tell you the real story behind those feelings.
To put it simply, I became a "Jacob" just recently to a "Bella". (Of course, that Bella is a representation of this guy I met and "Edward" is the representation of his ex) I became too close for comfort with that one guy and slowly I started to give him pieces of myself. We had it going for a while. I thought he was already falling for me too... heck, he actually started to tell me he's already falling for me too. And I believed him. Then I guess this guy's "Edward" came back. Actually I don't think she left at all, she has always been there but looks like my "Bella's" feelings for "Edward" started to come back during the time when I started to fall intensely for him. Heard of the word "rebound?" Yeah, that's merely what I've become to my "Bella.
So it has been painfully hard for me seeing "Bella" treating me just a friend. As if we didn't share anything at all in those few fleeting weeks, even months we did spend. Like Jacob, I didn't mind being there even if "Edward" is back. I was ready and had preconditioned my mind that I am just a friend. And believe me, I tried my hardest to be just that. But to make matters worst, I started to see the changes in "Bella." He stopped caring altogether as if he just pulled out the plug of his so-called "feelings" for me. But he still talks to me, alright. My eyes lit up whenever I'd see a text or chat window opening up with his messages. So eagerly I'd respond and give him what he wants. However, just recently I begin to realize, the only times that he'd initiate a conversation with me is only when he has a question, if there is something that I can give him in return. Where was the friendly conversation between friends where you ask each other of things just to be informed, instead of to be serviced? Without putting up a fight, sometimes I'd initiate a conversation and tell him how my day went... but it was just not the same. Truly, as he candidly told me anyway, I am no longer of interest to him. And I felt that.
I should have stopped talking to him to preserve the little dignity I have left. But no, and indeed like "Bella" this guy would always come to me if there is something he needs that I can help him with. And the imbecile that I am, I always come running even if he'd just wag his finger at me... It seems that I can't say no to whatever he needs... my time... my expertise... everything is his for the taking. He either conveniently forgot that I once confessed of my feelings for him or he chose to ignore and just enjoy the benefits that comes with our friendship.
For a time I didn't mind. Or I chose not to mind. I was thinking it's better to pretend that I am okay as friends than lose him altogether. Like a puppy needing his master's attention and approval, I was just there... whenever I am needed. Though at the back of my mind, there is a conclusion already that he really didn't have the "feelings" for me the way I was led to believe. I believe I have even given up the hope of a future together. But these things you can't just shove under the table and forget in the morning. I still haven't moved on completely.
So reading a few lines in this book made me realize my own stupidity. Here, let me again quote Stephenie Meyer's descriptive writing....
(Jacob talking to Bella)
"No, I don't. You decide, Bella. You can have me the way I am - bad behavior included - or not at all."
I stared at him, frustrated. "That's mean."
"So are you."
That pulled me up short, and I took an involuntary step back. He was right. If I wasn't mean - and greedy, too - I would tell him I didn't want to be friends and walk away. It was wrong to try to keep my friend when that would hurt him. I didn't know what I was doing here, but I was suddenly sure that it wasn't good."
** This scene made me want to scream at my own "Bella" and say keeping me for a friend is hurting me! Why won't you just leave altogether? Don't you know that it is wrong to try to keep a friend when that would hurt her?
(Edward talking to Bella)
"He knew what he was doing."
"Do you think that matters?" I was blinking back tears, and this was easy to hear in my voice. "Do you think I care whether it's fair or whether he was adequately warned? I'm hurting him. Every time I turn around, I'm hurting him again." My voice was getting louder, more hysterical. "I'm a hideous person."
** This one made me wish he'd really turn into a Bella and have same realization she had. Every time he turns around (whatever he does now) is hurting me again.
(Jacob talking to Bella)
"No." Jacob shook his head. "I'm exactly right for you, Bella. It would have been effortless for us - comfortable, easy as breathing. I was the natural path your life would have taken..." He stared into space for a moment, and I waited. "If the world was the way it was supposed to be, if there were no monsters and no magic..."
** And this scene, is what I would envision in my fantasy on what I will tell my Bella. "It would have been effortless for us..."
Reading this book is like reading the outcome of this episode in my life. Bella will try to talk to Jacob and soften the blow of rejection but in the end, Bella and Edward will get married. That leaves Jacob running into the woods, wanting to forget Bella, wishing to forget the memories and hoping to forget himself, who he has become with Bella.
Since the year is coming to an end, I realized, I should do as Jacob did... Sulk a little, cry in anguish some more, but run into the woods and just let go. Somehow I wish my Bella will just vanish. Or at least, stop treating me like a freaking friend because no matter how many times I told myself that I am okay with that set up, I'm simply not! My emotions are as erratic as the heart of someone having a heart attack. I am not a computer that can reformat its hard drive and reboot myself and start with a clean slate. I am a living being who has a heart that feels, a mind that thinks and a pair of eyes that cry.
So to my Bella, if by any stroke of luck you chanced upon this page and is actually reading this blog and has even come to this part, my plea is this: Leave me alone for now and let me suffer in silence. Us being friends will not work out. It's been months that I tried to put up that farce and look at me now, still blogging about these damn feelings. Go where you are happy the most and if that is not with me, then leave me alone. You are just hurting me whenever you act like a good friend. Of course I am appreciative of all that you've done but let's leave it at that as we leave this year behind us. Let me finally pick up the broken pieces of my shattered dream without you hovering like a brother because with every broken piece that I pick up, I drop two whenever you'd come to me. You have to do it. Get away from me. Because I sure can't get away from you. You know you just need to ask and I'd come. So please stop using me.
"He's like a drug for you, Bella." His voice was still gentle, not at all critical. "I see that you can't live without him now. It's too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun."
The corner of my mouth turned up in a wistful half-smile. "I used to think of you that way, you know. Like the sun. My personal sun. You balanced out the clouds nicely for me."
He sighed. "The clouds I can handle. But I can't fight with an eclipse."
So many things to do... So little time...
It's the fifth day of my first ever long holiday vacation since I started working. Imagine... No work, no stepping into the office, no seeing office mates, no responding to emails from December 24 until January 4. Waaaaaaahhh!!! What do you do??
Before this long break started, I was kind of collating things I can do while on sabbatical. Thinking that I will be off-line for almost two weeks (I didn't know yet Ryan will lend me his Weroam then) I started collecting books that I can read while at home. Among the books I got were the following:
* Book 3 of Twilight Saga: Eclipse
* Book 4 of Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn
* When God writes your love story
* God allows U turn for women
Then I asked Ate Rona for a transcription assignment that I can do during this break (oh well actually it was due even before the break, now that I think about it! Waaaaa!!! This should be my top priority tomorrow). The thing is, when she assigned it to me I was about to start when she needed some transcription done urgently. So I volunteered to do it and guess what I did it in three days. Wow! That is a record breaking time for me. Hahaha.. Considering I always turn over my transcription assignment at least after a week. (Just FYI, this assignment is where some of the messages from CCF sessions are transcribed by volunteers. That means typing the message while listening to the mp3 file.)
Thinking those two (reading and transcribing) aren't enough to fill in the holidays, I got myself my new baby (Ok, I'm sorry I started calling my new Canon 1000D dSLR as "baby"... hehehe.. trip-tripan lang yan! :P). Guess that means more task since I need to familiarize myself with my new baby and have to get a crash course in digital photography.
These three are what I considered my big to do's for these glorious days off from work.
Now the even bigger question is... have I accomplished anything yet??
I just realized, I'm on my fifth day and I still haven't checked off even one from this list. All are half-baked! I'm half way through reading Edward and Bella's love story in the book three, I'm also half way reading Eric and Leslie's love story in the other book and I've read about ten pages in the last book on my list... I'm on my second page in my transcription assignment, that means about 7minutes have been transcribed already and the whole session assignment to me is about one hour and 40 minutes long. Huhuhu... Still a very long way! And last, I've flipped through the manual of my new baby but haven't really mastered the dials in the body of the camera! I've watched a handful of tutorial videos online about digital photography but those are still not enough.
Waaaaahhhh!!! So many things to do and so little time!
So why am I now suddenly stuck with a lot of things to do? Blame it on Ryan's weroam! Hahaha :) Actually, yes, that is partly true. Since I got this free, wireless internet connection I was online almost every single minute (unless I'm out of the house, of course!). So instead of reading, I'm writing blogs... Instead of transcribing, I'm online chatting with friends... instead of studying the manual for my new baby, I watch the instructional videos but am immediately side tracked with updating my network accounts online.
But the biggest reasons for this great distraction with my carefully planned things-to-do-while-on-sabbatical-days are... none other than... my family and friends! :) Not that I am complaining. Actually those are better use of my time than my carefully laid out plans.
As you've probably seen, I posted the wedding album of Rhea and Sonny. So that is already one entire day lost! Hehehe... But I didn't mind because I love dressing up... Love having my hair done... Love posing in pictures... Love eating good food in weddings... Love socializing with friends... and most of all, I love using my new baby! I got to test her hands-on and though I used only the pre-available settings, I loved clicking that shutter button! Hahaha! Happiness! (Okay, it just donned on me that I am now referring to my dslr as "her"... Guess I better give her a name too, what do you think? Hahaha! Crazy!)
Actually the main contributor to my lost times doing my to-do's is the other biggest reason, my family! I've spent more quality time with my family these five days compared to our usual interaction for a regular month. I've shared meals with my mom, brothers, in-laws, niece more frequently these past days than I did last month. I had a dinner with them at home, at Gerry's Grill and a lunch/merienda at Pizza Hut just today.
So who's complaining? I. Am. Not. I realized I loved every single second I spent with them. I missed my big brothers! I missed showing off to them. I missed listening to their voices. I missed their ghastly table manners. I missed them. Period. Now that they have families of their own and are living far from home, I no longer see them for weeks, even months. It's quieter now at home so I welcome any day that I will see either of my big brothers now. Guess I am no longer the little princess in the house. They each have their queens now. Who needs a bratty, spoiled, feeling-princess sister? :)
So I still have one week remaining. There is indeed so many things to do and so little time! But the important thing I learned... It's better to let those carefully laid out plans go to waste than do them diligently but miss one of the most important things in the world: spending quality time with those you love most.
Therefore... Go now!
Text your mom. Call your dad. Schedule a dinner with your siblings. Don't miss the bonding.
I said...
Go. Now!
Before this long break started, I was kind of collating things I can do while on sabbatical. Thinking that I will be off-line for almost two weeks (I didn't know yet Ryan will lend me his Weroam then) I started collecting books that I can read while at home. Among the books I got were the following:
* Book 3 of Twilight Saga: Eclipse
* Book 4 of Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn
* When God writes your love story
* God allows U turn for women
Then I asked Ate Rona for a transcription assignment that I can do during this break (oh well actually it was due even before the break, now that I think about it! Waaaaa!!! This should be my top priority tomorrow). The thing is, when she assigned it to me I was about to start when she needed some transcription done urgently. So I volunteered to do it and guess what I did it in three days. Wow! That is a record breaking time for me. Hahaha.. Considering I always turn over my transcription assignment at least after a week. (Just FYI, this assignment is where some of the messages from CCF sessions are transcribed by volunteers. That means typing the message while listening to the mp3 file.)
Thinking those two (reading and transcribing) aren't enough to fill in the holidays, I got myself my new baby (Ok, I'm sorry I started calling my new Canon 1000D dSLR as "baby"... hehehe.. trip-tripan lang yan! :P). Guess that means more task since I need to familiarize myself with my new baby and have to get a crash course in digital photography.
These three are what I considered my big to do's for these glorious days off from work.
Now the even bigger question is... have I accomplished anything yet??
I just realized, I'm on my fifth day and I still haven't checked off even one from this list. All are half-baked! I'm half way through reading Edward and Bella's love story in the book three, I'm also half way reading Eric and Leslie's love story in the other book and I've read about ten pages in the last book on my list... I'm on my second page in my transcription assignment, that means about 7minutes have been transcribed already and the whole session assignment to me is about one hour and 40 minutes long. Huhuhu... Still a very long way! And last, I've flipped through the manual of my new baby but haven't really mastered the dials in the body of the camera! I've watched a handful of tutorial videos online about digital photography but those are still not enough.
Waaaaahhhh!!! So many things to do and so little time!
So why am I now suddenly stuck with a lot of things to do? Blame it on Ryan's weroam! Hahaha :) Actually, yes, that is partly true. Since I got this free, wireless internet connection I was online almost every single minute (unless I'm out of the house, of course!). So instead of reading, I'm writing blogs... Instead of transcribing, I'm online chatting with friends... instead of studying the manual for my new baby, I watch the instructional videos but am immediately side tracked with updating my network accounts online.
But the biggest reasons for this great distraction with my carefully planned things-to-do-while-on-sabbatical-days are... none other than... my family and friends! :) Not that I am complaining. Actually those are better use of my time than my carefully laid out plans.
As you've probably seen, I posted the wedding album of Rhea and Sonny. So that is already one entire day lost! Hehehe... But I didn't mind because I love dressing up... Love having my hair done... Love posing in pictures... Love eating good food in weddings... Love socializing with friends... and most of all, I love using my new baby! I got to test her hands-on and though I used only the pre-available settings, I loved clicking that shutter button! Hahaha! Happiness! (Okay, it just donned on me that I am now referring to my dslr as "her"... Guess I better give her a name too, what do you think? Hahaha! Crazy!)
Actually the main contributor to my lost times doing my to-do's is the other biggest reason, my family! I've spent more quality time with my family these five days compared to our usual interaction for a regular month. I've shared meals with my mom, brothers, in-laws, niece more frequently these past days than I did last month. I had a dinner with them at home, at Gerry's Grill and a lunch/merienda at Pizza Hut just today.
So who's complaining? I. Am. Not. I realized I loved every single second I spent with them. I missed my big brothers! I missed showing off to them. I missed listening to their voices. I missed their ghastly table manners. I missed them. Period. Now that they have families of their own and are living far from home, I no longer see them for weeks, even months. It's quieter now at home so I welcome any day that I will see either of my big brothers now. Guess I am no longer the little princess in the house. They each have their queens now. Who needs a bratty, spoiled, feeling-princess sister? :)
So I still have one week remaining. There is indeed so many things to do and so little time! But the important thing I learned... It's better to let those carefully laid out plans go to waste than do them diligently but miss one of the most important things in the world: spending quality time with those you love most.
Therefore... Go now!
Text your mom. Call your dad. Schedule a dinner with your siblings. Don't miss the bonding.
I said...
Go. Now!
Tuesday, 23 December 2008
"Desperate for you..."
Sometimes it’s hard to convince one’s self that everything is alright.
I’ve been through this road before. It’s a vicious cycle. Like a wheel that keeps turning and I am once again hitting the bottom.
If you are the wheel and rotates on its own without any outside force and you realize your heart is once again stuck at the bottom… How do you coerce yourself to rotate once more so you will be at the top again instead of the ground?
Or how do you just stop the wheel from turning when you are at the top so it doesn’t go round and let your heart graze the ground?
Imagine your heart on one part of the wheel and how hard and painful it feels when you as the wheel turns and your heart comes crashing to the ground… your soft, vulnerable and pulsating heart comes brushing skin to skin with the rough surface of the ground… The ground consists of teeny tiny rocks coupled with the hard dirty soil and a few sharp objects protruding from the ground. Every movement is like a needle piercing through your delicate heart. The force of the friction sometimes numbs the area but when it moves again and resurfaced to clean fresh air, the impact of the thousand needles you endured comes full force. Without your consent, it starts to bleed and without your control you can’t stop the blood from gushing from the once again opened wounds…
How graphic. And dramatic.
But that’s what I think I am feeling just now.
For weeks I’ve been enjoying the ride at the top. I was okay. I was even happy. I thought wounds have healed. I thought emotions are stronger. I thought my mind has been preconditioned already to endure the few little pinches in my heart.
But then I hit the bottom again today and there you go. Tears threaten to fall once more.
For a few minutes I battled internally to convince my mind and my heart that I am okay. I was trying my best to do the famous “mind over matter” exercise. I talked and laughed with colleagues. I chatted with my trusted friend. However, knowing that I’m on the brink of breaking down, I mustered enough courage to kid her and ask “Pwede ba mag pa heart transplant?” But pretending to joke around when the heavy emotion is lurking from behind does not work well so then next I told her was a plea... "Please pray for me. Now."
And then I just snapped. Without control whatsoever I just bowed my head down and prayed to God and talked to myself. “Lord please let this stop! Be still my heart! Stop reacting to things you see and have no rights of…”
“Stop…”
I tried so much to block the negative and heavy feeling in my heart so I put on my earphones and looked for a familiar and comforting song in my playlist. And I settled on this song, “Breathe” by the Katinas
By the time the words of this song seep into my heart I was already crying softly and uncontrollably in my seat. I just can’t believe I faltered again and forgot that I only need the lover of my soul in my life.
I want to be like that… desperate and lost without the lover of my soul…
When you are in that state of mind, no matter how deep the agony is, they all just take the backseat and the Lord’s mercy and loving kindness is just magnified.
And yes, that made me whole again.
For now.
I don’t know how long will I enjoy this ride at the top again. How I wish I am just stuck in the bliss of knowing that the lover of my life is the most important being.
But I am just human after all and sometimes (or oftentimes in my case), am overpowered by the intensity of the heavy emotions and I succumb to the pain…
Thank God for His faithfulness and He brings me right back to where I should be… in His loving and comforting arms.
I’ve been through this road before. It’s a vicious cycle. Like a wheel that keeps turning and I am once again hitting the bottom.
If you are the wheel and rotates on its own without any outside force and you realize your heart is once again stuck at the bottom… How do you coerce yourself to rotate once more so you will be at the top again instead of the ground?
Or how do you just stop the wheel from turning when you are at the top so it doesn’t go round and let your heart graze the ground?
Imagine your heart on one part of the wheel and how hard and painful it feels when you as the wheel turns and your heart comes crashing to the ground… your soft, vulnerable and pulsating heart comes brushing skin to skin with the rough surface of the ground… The ground consists of teeny tiny rocks coupled with the hard dirty soil and a few sharp objects protruding from the ground. Every movement is like a needle piercing through your delicate heart. The force of the friction sometimes numbs the area but when it moves again and resurfaced to clean fresh air, the impact of the thousand needles you endured comes full force. Without your consent, it starts to bleed and without your control you can’t stop the blood from gushing from the once again opened wounds…
How graphic. And dramatic.
But that’s what I think I am feeling just now.
For weeks I’ve been enjoying the ride at the top. I was okay. I was even happy. I thought wounds have healed. I thought emotions are stronger. I thought my mind has been preconditioned already to endure the few little pinches in my heart.
But then I hit the bottom again today and there you go. Tears threaten to fall once more.
For a few minutes I battled internally to convince my mind and my heart that I am okay. I was trying my best to do the famous “mind over matter” exercise. I talked and laughed with colleagues. I chatted with my trusted friend. However, knowing that I’m on the brink of breaking down, I mustered enough courage to kid her and ask “Pwede ba mag pa heart transplant?” But pretending to joke around when the heavy emotion is lurking from behind does not work well so then next I told her was a plea... "Please pray for me. Now."
And then I just snapped. Without control whatsoever I just bowed my head down and prayed to God and talked to myself. “Lord please let this stop! Be still my heart! Stop reacting to things you see and have no rights of…”
“Stop…”
I tried so much to block the negative and heavy feeling in my heart so I put on my earphones and looked for a familiar and comforting song in my playlist. And I settled on this song, “Breathe” by the Katinas
This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence
Living in me
This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word
Spoken to me
And I, I’m desperate for you
And I, I’m lost with out you
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence
Living in me
This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word
Spoken to me
And I, I’m desperate for you
And I, I’m lost with out you
By the time the words of this song seep into my heart I was already crying softly and uncontrollably in my seat. I just can’t believe I faltered again and forgot that I only need the lover of my soul in my life.
I want to be like that… desperate and lost without the lover of my soul…
When you are in that state of mind, no matter how deep the agony is, they all just take the backseat and the Lord’s mercy and loving kindness is just magnified.
And yes, that made me whole again.
For now.
I don’t know how long will I enjoy this ride at the top again. How I wish I am just stuck in the bliss of knowing that the lover of my life is the most important being.
But I am just human after all and sometimes (or oftentimes in my case), am overpowered by the intensity of the heavy emotions and I succumb to the pain…
Thank God for His faithfulness and He brings me right back to where I should be… in His loving and comforting arms.
My comfort in my suffering is this:
Your promise preserves my life.
- Psalm 119:50
Your promise preserves my life.
- Psalm 119:50
Wednesday, 17 December 2008
on rejection...
I am in the middle of the 2nd Twilight Saga book, “New Moon” and a single paragraph caught my eye that I can’t help but blog about it. Here it goes:
I’d cried myself to sleep over this boy. His harsh rejection had punched a painful new hole in what was left of my chest. He’d left a new nightmare behind him, like an infection in a sore – the insult after the injury. And now he was here in my room, smirking at me as if none of that had passed. Worse than that, even though his arrival had been noisy and awkward, it reminded me of when Edward used to sneak in through my window at night, and the reminder picked viciously at the unhealed wounds.
Certain words from this paragraph scream to me like how an alcohol spray paints to an open surgery… words such as “cried” “harsh rejection” “painful new hole” “new nightmare” “insult” “smirking”… Aaarrrgghhh… Opens up an array of memories come playing in my mind like a distorted film playing a scene over and over.
How do you put a stop to it?
Then I remember one scene from the very first chapter of this book... So I flipped through those pages again and re-read the following lines:
“Bella I don’t want you to come with me.” He spoke the words slowly and precisely, his cold eyes on my face, watching as I absorbed what he was really saying.
There was a pause as I repeated the words in my head a few times, sifting through them for their real intent.
“You… don’t… want me?” I tried out the words, confused by the way they sounded, placed in that order.
“No.”
I stared, uncomprehending, into his eyes. He stared back without apology. His eyes were like topaz – hard and clear and very deep. I felt like I could see into them for miles and miles, yet nowhere in their bottomless depths could I see a contradiction to the word he’d spoken.
“Well, that changes things.” I was surprised by how calm and reasonable my voice sounded. It must be because I was so numb. I couldn’t realize what he was telling me. It still didn’t make any sense.
Reading those words was like a bucket of cold water being splattered right to my face. The realization on the harshness of rejection… Bella took it calmly. She said she was surprised but then again it must be because of the numbness…
I had my fair share on rejection. I used to kid around saying that no amount of rejection will ever make me feel like I am the tiniest person on earth. I thought I’ve endured all I possibly can in the realm of rejection. I used to say “I had a very thorough lesson in rejection last year.”
But who was I conclude that?
I recently had another encounter with this unwelcome feeling. Like Bella, I believe I took it calmly. I wasn’t hysterical. I shrugged it off and “moved on.” But reading these words from this book opens up the unhealed wound that I tried so hard to pretend does not exist.
But it’s still there, you know, lurking in the darkness, hidden in the shadows, buried in the ground.
What hurts the most in being rejected? Is it the slashed ego? The humiliation? I’d say it’s the realization that you aren’t good enough.
“You’re not good for me, Bella.” He turned his earlier words around, and so I had no argument. How well I knew that I wasn’t good enough for him.
“Not good enough.” “Not interesting enough. “Not pretty enough.”
Aw!
Sometimes I hate myself when I realize how stupidity results in having memories such as these. If I am in my logical mood, and thinking things through, I can see where in the series of events did I stumble and where did I become susceptible to harm. But most often than not, I don’t recognize it until it’s over and I’ve been stumped upon.
Is it my fault that I am too trusting, that I am too eager to please and that I am such a simpleton that I can’t say No?
Yes, I admit those are my faults without any excuses.
Aaarrrgggghhhh… It is such a complicated and agonizing world we live in.
But thanks to words like these in the book, when presented in black and white, makes you see the reality in its ugliness. It makes you realize how it hurts like hell to be rejected. But then you realize another thing. Compared to the first lesson in rejection, this time I am way composed than before. I am handling it better than the first. I am stronger now than the last time.
Or
I am just way too numb now to really tell the difference.
Thursday, 4 December 2008
awkward but enlightening :)
Okay, this has to be the most awkward situation I've been subjected to. Add funny. And embarrassing. And it was at my expense!
Anyway, here goes...
I met someone familiar at the retreat. You could say someone related to the past. :)
So Coney and I were walking back to the swimming pool, where the baptism will take place. I accompanied her to their cabin so she can change (Yes, Coney just got baptized during the BIG4 Retreat... Woohooo!). Upon passing the other cabin, I suddenly saw a pretty lady that looked really familiar. So when we reached her, I went to her and cheerfully said "Hey, kilala kita!" I even made beso-beso (feeling close talaga eh... hihihi).
Guess what?
The pretty lady smiled politely and said...
"Saan nga ulit tayo nagkakilala?"
Wahahaha!!!
No, I didn't mistook her for someone else. She just didn't recognize me.
So I told her, without flinching, still maintaining my cheerful attitude, and still with my unwavering smile, "Ayyyyy, nakalimutan mo na ako?"
"Ako yun ex ni Scep."
See, the familiar girl is Scep's cousin. She was really sweet and nice to me whenever I met her before. So honestly it was a surprise that she didn't recognize me.
But anyway, she said it must be the hair (yeah, I just had another trip to Fix salon last week)... and she said "Blooming ka ah."
We exchanged a few more chit-chat then we left.
Wasn't that funny? :)
Let's analyze the incident. (As if this is an english class and you just read a literary story and now you have to interpret it.. hehehe)
Here's the facts:
1. I used to runaway from confrontational encounter with Scep-related persons such as this one. Countless times I've seen his sister & her husband and sometimes his auntie and cousins at CCF Sunday services. I would always always either go the other way or keep my head low if I'm in their way. But for this particular incident, ducking away did not cross my mind.
2. Just a glimpse of someone from the past will send legions of butterflies in my stomach. I'd get nervous to the point of my knees starting to shake. But not this time, I was composed the entire time. Not to mention really cheerful.
3. For the first time (I think), I get to say "Ex ni Scep" out loud. Without flinching. Without my voice cracking. Without a feeling of shame.
Having those in mind, I believe the Lord is impressing something in me. And that is... I have finally closed that book. That past is indeed the past. Gone are the uneasy feelings about Scep. The heart-wrenching pain is no more. The lover of my soul took all those away and have replaced it with something else... The joy and serenity of knowing I just need Jesus in my life.
And I just have to comment when she said "Blooming ka ha!"
The thing is... there is a different glow when Christ is in you. :)
Anyway, here goes...
I met someone familiar at the retreat. You could say someone related to the past. :)
So Coney and I were walking back to the swimming pool, where the baptism will take place. I accompanied her to their cabin so she can change (Yes, Coney just got baptized during the BIG4 Retreat... Woohooo!). Upon passing the other cabin, I suddenly saw a pretty lady that looked really familiar. So when we reached her, I went to her and cheerfully said "Hey, kilala kita!" I even made beso-beso (feeling close talaga eh... hihihi).
Guess what?
The pretty lady smiled politely and said...
"Saan nga ulit tayo nagkakilala?"
Wahahaha!!!
No, I didn't mistook her for someone else. She just didn't recognize me.
So I told her, without flinching, still maintaining my cheerful attitude, and still with my unwavering smile, "Ayyyyy, nakalimutan mo na ako?"
"Ako yun ex ni Scep."
See, the familiar girl is Scep's cousin. She was really sweet and nice to me whenever I met her before. So honestly it was a surprise that she didn't recognize me.
But anyway, she said it must be the hair (yeah, I just had another trip to Fix salon last week)... and she said "Blooming ka ah."
We exchanged a few more chit-chat then we left.
Wasn't that funny? :)
Let's analyze the incident. (As if this is an english class and you just read a literary story and now you have to interpret it.. hehehe)
Here's the facts:
1. I used to runaway from confrontational encounter with Scep-related persons such as this one. Countless times I've seen his sister & her husband and sometimes his auntie and cousins at CCF Sunday services. I would always always either go the other way or keep my head low if I'm in their way. But for this particular incident, ducking away did not cross my mind.
2. Just a glimpse of someone from the past will send legions of butterflies in my stomach. I'd get nervous to the point of my knees starting to shake. But not this time, I was composed the entire time. Not to mention really cheerful.
3. For the first time (I think), I get to say "Ex ni Scep" out loud. Without flinching. Without my voice cracking. Without a feeling of shame.
Having those in mind, I believe the Lord is impressing something in me. And that is... I have finally closed that book. That past is indeed the past. Gone are the uneasy feelings about Scep. The heart-wrenching pain is no more. The lover of my soul took all those away and have replaced it with something else... The joy and serenity of knowing I just need Jesus in my life.
And I just have to comment when she said "Blooming ka ha!"
The thing is... there is a different glow when Christ is in you. :)
"A happy heart makes the face cheerful"
- Proverbs 15:13a
- Proverbs 15:13a
Prayers from the Retreat
I am back from my 3day retreat. 940 singles attended this event. Imagine, my presence was just a mere .10% of the entire population in Chateau Royale this 3 day weekend. Yet, I believe God has purposely placed me there under specific program that He alone has created for me.
How should I begin another amazing and wonderful story that the lover of my soul stitched just for me? How should I present the lessons and realizations I got from all these? How should I give glory to the magnificent God that orchestrated all these?
Squeezing all the answers to those three questions in one single blog entry is simply an injustice to the truth. But I will try anyway. Bear with me. Read with me as I write. Rejoice with me as I express the cheerfulness in my heart. Pray with me as I hope that the fire will keep burning.
Just a few days before this much awaited retreat, my Lord broke me again with that jealousy-betrayal incident I felt in my heart. Though I came to terms with myself and with my Lord before the actual retreat, that left an emptiness in my heart. I was like a mobile phone screaming to be plugged and recharged. I was feeling sick physically, catching the tonsillitis and colds virus and having an hour and a half worth of sleep the night before the big day, my temperature was high and my head was spinning when I dragged myself out of the bed that Saturday morning.
I was a walking zombie when I arrived at St. Francis Square. To think that we had a grueling schedule for the first day! But you what? I felt my spirit being recharged the moment I stepped on the main lobby of Chateau Royale and it went full bar when we sang the first praise and worship song for the retreat. “It’s All about You.” That set it for me. My entire being shifted its focus to the lover of my soul. My somewhat empty heart started to be filled with Jesus.
And the rest… as they say, is history. I am now home. With a smile in my heart. With wisdom in my mind. With the holy spirit in my soul.
I just pray, O Lord! That this fire does not fade.
I really wish I can impart all the things I learned during this weekend. But right now, I just want to share the excerpts from my prayer journal during my quiet times in the retreat (so you can help me pray these things)…
“Father God, thank you for this opportunity to spend time with you! Thank you that through this retreat we are reminded of how small we are compared to your magnificence, your faithfulness, your mercy and your love. Lord, how I wish that I can always experience this every single day: the closeness to you. To be surrounded with fellow believers… To just wake up with a happy heart and say “Good Morning Lord!”… To fellowship with a group through breakout sessions and talk about our experiences and how you are working in each of our lives… and to sing! Lord, you know how cheerful my heart is every time I sing for you. Thank you that through this retreat and with the praise and worship team we can just offer our voices to you and exalt you…”
“I praise you, Lord Jesus for all that you have done. I pray Lord that the fire burning in me will last a lifetime Lord! And not just until this retreat. Please help me start another new life with you…”
“Lord, this retreat is just about to end and though I almost don’t want to leave because I know I will once again face the worldliness of the world… I am ready. Equipped with my take-aways and the assurance of your loving-kindness and your magnificence, I know I can face the hindrances that lies ahead knowing that with you by my side, nothing is impossible. I claim victory over all future difficulties…”
How should I begin another amazing and wonderful story that the lover of my soul stitched just for me? How should I present the lessons and realizations I got from all these? How should I give glory to the magnificent God that orchestrated all these?
Squeezing all the answers to those three questions in one single blog entry is simply an injustice to the truth. But I will try anyway. Bear with me. Read with me as I write. Rejoice with me as I express the cheerfulness in my heart. Pray with me as I hope that the fire will keep burning.
Just a few days before this much awaited retreat, my Lord broke me again with that jealousy-betrayal incident I felt in my heart. Though I came to terms with myself and with my Lord before the actual retreat, that left an emptiness in my heart. I was like a mobile phone screaming to be plugged and recharged. I was feeling sick physically, catching the tonsillitis and colds virus and having an hour and a half worth of sleep the night before the big day, my temperature was high and my head was spinning when I dragged myself out of the bed that Saturday morning.
I was a walking zombie when I arrived at St. Francis Square. To think that we had a grueling schedule for the first day! But you what? I felt my spirit being recharged the moment I stepped on the main lobby of Chateau Royale and it went full bar when we sang the first praise and worship song for the retreat. “It’s All about You.” That set it for me. My entire being shifted its focus to the lover of my soul. My somewhat empty heart started to be filled with Jesus.
And the rest… as they say, is history. I am now home. With a smile in my heart. With wisdom in my mind. With the holy spirit in my soul.
I just pray, O Lord! That this fire does not fade.
I really wish I can impart all the things I learned during this weekend. But right now, I just want to share the excerpts from my prayer journal during my quiet times in the retreat (so you can help me pray these things)…
“Father God, thank you for this opportunity to spend time with you! Thank you that through this retreat we are reminded of how small we are compared to your magnificence, your faithfulness, your mercy and your love. Lord, how I wish that I can always experience this every single day: the closeness to you. To be surrounded with fellow believers… To just wake up with a happy heart and say “Good Morning Lord!”… To fellowship with a group through breakout sessions and talk about our experiences and how you are working in each of our lives… and to sing! Lord, you know how cheerful my heart is every time I sing for you. Thank you that through this retreat and with the praise and worship team we can just offer our voices to you and exalt you…”
“I praise you, Lord Jesus for all that you have done. I pray Lord that the fire burning in me will last a lifetime Lord! And not just until this retreat. Please help me start another new life with you…”
“Lord, this retreat is just about to end and though I almost don’t want to leave because I know I will once again face the worldliness of the world… I am ready. Equipped with my take-aways and the assurance of your loving-kindness and your magnificence, I know I can face the hindrances that lies ahead knowing that with you by my side, nothing is impossible. I claim victory over all future difficulties…”
Call to me and I will answer you
and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.
- Jeremiah 33:3
and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.
- Jeremiah 33:3
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