sheer torture

Last week a friend confided about his break-up with his girlfriend (who he's already planning of proposing to on June 21 - the girl's birthday)... Anyway, since Saturday last, we've been texting non-stop. He'd tell me how devastated he is... how insane his thoughts are running... how he refused to eat, insisting he has no appetite at all.. basically, what his current state is at any given time of the day.

I am trying to be a friend and comfort him. He said the reason he's telling me all that is because he knew I went through the same heartache a year ago and that I would understand. And I do understand. Really. So I tried my best to be with him through replying to all his text messages, with the hope that somehow my experience and the lessons I learned will help him get pass this.

4 hours ago, he called me at my cellphone and again he unloaded his emotions to me. I remember Awit saying sometimes people just need someone to listen to them, not necessarily seeking solution to their concerns, and so I just listened, hardly saying anything at all (just a few mumblings to let him know I am still on the other line). But I did listen to every word, I stopped fumbling with my laptop and gave my whole attention to him. I won't narrate the things he told me. But the thing is, every word that came out of his mouth is like a stab in my "healed-heart" that after the 43 minutes phone call (43 minutes of heart-stabbing experience), my heart is bleeding again. Yes, I was so sad with what he is going through and so sad that he can't seem to get out of that mess.

But now I realize my heart started to bleed again because the wound that took me months to heal is open again. With his words I remembered the pain and hurt I went through. The hurt of being left alone. Of being rejected. Of being broken.

He asked me when does it end? When does the tears stop to fall? How can he forget the memories they shared? I bravely answered that it does end. With God's grace, his suffering will end. I told him "tips" on how to get over. I told him stories of what I did and why I am okay now. I shared with him bible verses that carried me through those dark times.

But now hours after that conversation, I ask myself: Is it really over for me? Have I really gotten over that entire hurt-pain-suffering-devastation ordeal I went through last year? How do you define being "over"?

Last week, Ms My told me that out of curiosity she checked scep's friendster account. She asked me if I wanted to know what she saw. I told her no, thanks. I told her I believe scep is already in a relationship but I'd rather not know the details. She said ok. But a few days after, we were fooling around with sametime, sending emoticons and pictures back and forth and suddenly she sent a cut-out from someone's picture. At first she sent only the top of the head that shows the hair and forehead only. She asked me to guess who that was. I told her I have no idea. Then she sent me the bottom part of the face (the mouth and chin this time)... it was smiling. I still have no idea who that person in the picture was... so I just asked, "Ako ba yan?!" Then I told her to send the rest of the cut-out to complete the face of that person. At first she said she wouldn't but I insisted and so she sent the eyes. Then I realized it was scep's face. I would recognize those eyes anywhere. The eyes that looked at me so lovingly for six and a half years and the same eyes that looked straight at me and told me it's time to end things...

I started to laugh. Funny that I didn't recognize the smile... I told Ms My that my heart took a leap when I saw those eyes. Damn. After one year and three months, those damn eyes still have that effect on me. Is this what you call being "over" someone? Then sadness overtook that laughter because I realized that the reason I did not recognize that smile is because he wasn't smiling for me anymore in that picture or I am no longer the reason for his smiles...

So indeed, how do you get over someone? When do you say you are finally over? Is it when your heart stops responding to images you see that is connected to that person? Are you only "over" as long as you don't see that person?

For the longest time I haven't checked his friendster account. But tonight, something took over my hands, it started to move on its own and my fingers started to click on search and typed his name... Then I pressed enter and the page came on the screen with his picture. My heart started to pound as I scanned over his page. With trembling fingers now, I clicked on his pictures and one by one I looked at the entire public album. Each photo showing a smiling scep. He looked so darn happy. And here I am staring at the screen with emotions piercing my stabbed heart. How can someone look that happy knowing that at one time, they crushed someone else's heart and spirit?

The pain is overwhelming. It's like a raw wound seasoned with salt. Sheer torture.

So is this what being "over" means? Seriously not.

Oh my God, I know you are in control.
I know you only have the best for us.
I've already surrendered all these to you a long time ago.
I don't want to get it back but somehow, the feelings are back.
Please take it all away again, Lord. Rule over my life.
Help me to remember how good you've been to me for the past year.
Refresh in my heart and in my mind the healing and comfort
you've given me through all the people around me.
Shield me again under your wings.
Hide me from this pain, O Lord.
I entrust to you my entire life, my future.
You decide what is best for me. I will follow.
But Lord, I ask of you, I beg you, take away this pain in my heart.
Long ago I believe I've already given up the hope that we will get together again in the future.
I no longer have dreams of us being together again.
But why do I still feel this way whenever I'd remember the past?
Release me from all these, O Lord!

And please make me strong in dealing with my friend.
Please give me the patience to listen the next time he calls.
Give me an understanding heart the next time I read his text message.
And most of all, please equip me with your wisdom and your love
that I may be able to help him get through this same pain and suffering.
Amen.