On Wednedsay, I went to see my lola. She looked so frail lying on that hospital bed. Immediately I felt tears welling up in my eyes. For some reason, it just hit me that my lola has become really old and weak...
Then I sat on the chair beside her and held her thin hands. She was asleep when I got there and so she opened her eyes when I took her hands. While fighting back tears, I asked her how she is. With all the strength in her she tried to reassure me and immediately asked for her daughter, my mom... I can hardly understand her. She was having difficulty in speaking because of the stroke and so her words are almost inaudible. But somehow, it was just those first few words that I had a hard time understanding. After the initial shock, I understood her perfectly.
After a few minutes, my phone alerted me for a new message received. It was from my mom asking how is her mother. Incidentally, my mom couldn't visit her at the hospital because she too was suffering from a yet unknown malady that hindered her to move her body. I then told nanie (we call my lola that - "nanie") that I will call mama so she can talk to her. My tears fell then when nanie nodded yes but said she won't talk to my mom since she can't talk much. So I called mama and told her I'm in the hospital and while I'm filling her in on Nanie's status, my lola gestured at me that she now wanted to talk to my mom. And so I held the phone to her ear and I just closed my eyes because I can't stop the hot tears from falling anymore. I just can't bear the sight of my frailing lola, who's having a hard time talking, asking how's my mom and saying things like "mag-ingat ka, di bale ako na lang ang magkasakit, wag ka na..."
After they hung up, she rested and closed her eyes and I just sat there, looking at her.
Then like a flashback, I began to think of the foregone days when I was still a little girl and this same frailing lady who was still strong then would always come to our house to pick me up so I could spend the weekend at her house and I remember going home with a new toy. Always. I remember being so excited I can't stand still whenever Saturday comes and it's time to again for that sleepover at her house...
Then I remembered that one afternoon in fourth grade. I was one of the participants in school for the United Nations Day. I was posing as Ms Ecuador and we had this presentation at the gym where I even had that short speech prepared and we were doing this song "Tomorrow"... And the gym was full of students watching and excited parents ready to take pictures of their kids... But both of my parents weren't there. Just my lola, very proud of her apo holding and parading that ecuador flag...
Finally I remembered moments from not too long ago. I was now all grown-up and it's been years since I last visited my lola's house. And I remembered all those times that in her aging body, she'd still find the strength to go to our house just so she can see us. And I remembered that I'm always on my way out whenever she'd visit and so I would just give her a quick kiss and rush out of the door to avoid chatting with her. I remember a few Saturday mornings when I would open my eyes and hear her voice, signalling that she's once again visiting, and then I remembered I would again close my eyes and pretend to be asleep so I can once again, avoid chatting with her because you know how grandmas are sometimes, they end up talking about the same stuff...
I was remembering those things while I was in that hospital holding her thin hand and I am just so ashamed of the woman I've become to this frailing lady.
I can't remember when was the last time I told her that I love her before that day.
When I was about to go, I just hugged her really tight. The tightest hug I've given her in so many years. And I told her I love her and that God will surely heal her, we'd just have to pray.
Seeing her just made me realize that time does fly pretty fast and when you are caught up in your own little world, you might end up like me. Forgetting important things like spending time with your lola and telling her how important she is. So I thank God for giving me this great opportunity to tell her that...
But I can't help but still think of all the wasted time that I could have really spent with her. Talk to her, hear her wisdom-filled experiences... Now that she'd had the stroke and can't really talk the way she used too, I wonder when will I hear her cheerful chatter again?
I am not proud of how I've been to her all these years. But lessons learned from a frailing lady...
* No matter how far you've gone in life, there is still that one important person in your life that you might have neglected. But when you suddenly remember them, they would just welcome you back and still look at you with loving eyes.
* It is never too late to tell someone that they matter, especially if that someone is family. They've been waiting to hear those words from you and I'm sure you'll end up saying those words sooner or later anyway.
So why don't you just say it now?
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