on love... #3

    * Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.
 
- Rose Walker (The Sandman #65)

lessons from a pop-rock singer-song writer... Reflection # 12, 2008

Thanks to Barry's invitation, I was able to watch  a free concert tonight at UCM. It was Kitchie Nadal singing songs from her new album, Love Letter. When I first heard that Kitchie will be singing at UCM's Station One, I knew already that she is a Christian. I had no idea what her album is all about. I'm not a big fan of her. The only song that I remember liking from her is "Same ground." So when Charly first mentioned it and when Barry invited me to watch, I thought "Oh well, so UCM is kind enough to allow her to promote her album and Kitchie's nice enough to actually sing in public for free."

Amidst the tons of work in the office, I never really looked forward to this concert though I thought it would be nice to see her perform. It was only Monday afternoon that I finally decided that I have to go there and see her sing.

And I am just so glad that I did.

Coney, her friend Bubbles, Charly, Myla, Jheny and I walked from Philamlife Tower to UCM. Mike then followed. It just didn't matter if it was raining nor if some of the few people I invited declined. It just didn't bother us that our slacks are all wet from walking in the rain, nor did it bother me that I'm wearing my not so comfortable sandals. We were just so ready to see Kitchie! :)

So anyway, I just want to share that I was simply astounded to learn that her album, the reason why she calls it "Love Letter" is because it tells of her relationship with our Lord Jesus! So every song in that album is her offering to God. It simply humbled me to see this famous person, unabashedly singing her heart out and telling everyone on how great her Redeemer is...

I've never been a fan of her before but seeing her perform live and more importantly learning that she is on the quest to tell everyone of her relationship with the Lord just made me admire her. Isn't it amazing how God can transform life and see it thru this pop-rock singer? She used to sing secular songs with themes on love, friendship, etc. But now, she has an entire album for the one true God!

She was sharing in between her songs and one of the things she said just struck me...

"Finding that God is already finding you."

That's what she realized when she first came to know the Lord. And I just realized too that it is so true. God is always looking for us, waiting for us to look for Him too. It's just up to us to acknowledge His presence and learn of His greatness.

Kitchie also shared this story on how her father would always tell her how beautiful she is. She said her dad always told her that, always affirmed her... It's always been on her mind that it's impossible for her to believe if other people tell her otherwise. And she relate it on how our God the father believes that as well. In our Father's eyes, we are all beautiful. He made us fearfully and wonderfully made! So if we just held on to that thought and believe it, we shouldn't go on believing lies that we aren't.

You are the highway
Apart from you are roads downhill
You are the highest way
The truth and the life
There’s no other road for me

-from the song, "Highway"

on possibilities

You know why planes can fly?
     uhh, thrust... and resistance... and lift...
It's because someone thought it was impossible.
The stupid thought, of putting people inside of a can and sending them to the heavens.
But the ones who thought it was possible, made it a reality.
So stop saying it's impossible.

-Nakahara Shouta (Episode 8, Attention Please)

on ending a story

We were all indeed here
We lived here...
        I came to love him..
I loved her...
        Receiving so many beginnings...
        ...and a countless number of feelings...
Learning each other's strengths and weaknesses...
        yes.. indeed... we... were here.

- Yano and Takahashi (Final Scene, Bokura Ga Ita)

on chasing

Hey, Nana...
Is this really all right?
        Is what alright?
If you leave it like this, you two will really break up.
       Then what am I supposed to do?
       Even if I talk to him now, we'll only go further in the wrong direction...
Maybe, but because you're having such a hard time, you need to take that step.
Nana, you spend too much time on these things.
I've thought this for a while, but even though Yano's chasing you now...
...do you really think he will chase you forever?
If you disconnect from Yano's feelings now, it will be too late.

- Mizu-chan (Episode 23, Bokura Ga Ita)

on intrusion

He likes you... and you like him... and it's perfect.
I'm just an intrusion.
I've given up on you many times.
Because I thought that would be best for you.
But... you're crying.
You're crying right now.
Mutual love?
Loving someone else's lover?
Friendship?

All of that...
...can go to hell!

You like him.. and he likes you... and it's perfect.
But... I can promise you one thing.
I'll never...make you cry, Takahashi.

-Takeuchi-kun (Episode 21, Bokura Ga Ita)

on forgetting

Hey. Do you know how to forget about an old love?
You find a new love. You should completely immerse yourself in it.
If that new love is true, then the old love will naturally become part of the past.

It's not that you can fall in love with someone new because you forgot the old..
It's because you fall in love with someone new that you're able to forget about the old.

Only love can heal a heart that was hurt by love.

-Takeuchi no oneechan (Episode 14, Bokura ga ita)

on love... #2

After all... Love is all about timing.
If you don't say the right thing at the right moment...
No matter how much fate was involved in the relationship, everything will be ruined.
Even if you regret it, it'll be too late.
Even if you regret it...

-Takeuchi-kun (Episode 13, Bokura Ga Ita)

on memories

I don't really like the word "memory."
Why not?
No reason. In my japanese class in elementary school, I read a story.
What story?
A story called "What color was this girl's dress?" Heard of it?
Nope.

Two girls, named A and B are recalling an old story together. They get into this discussion     about a picture hanging on the wall of one of the staircase landings in their elementary school. A picture of a girl picking flowers in front of a deep red sunset...

You really never read this?
Nope.

A says, "Oh! How nostalgic. You're talking about the picture of the girl in a pretty yellow         dress, right?"
But then B says, "No, the dress she was wearing was red, just like the sunset!"
"No, it was red!"
"No, it was definitely yellow."
"All right, then why don't we go see for ourselves?"
The two of them, filled with excitement, reached the old, nostalgic school building.

What color was that girl's dress?
What color was it?
It didn't have a color.
It was just a black and white picture.

The dress that dark silhouette wore was scribbled completely black.


Yet in their memories, both bickering girls were sure that the dress in the picture had a color.

See? Human memories are too vague.Thinking something has color when it doesn't, making things more dramatic than they really are, glorifying things... It gives new, greater meaning than what was actually there.  That's why I don't believe any of this talk about beautiful memories.

What do you believe in then?
You. Absolutely you. What's right in front of me now.

-Yano and Takahashi (scene from from the anime I'm currently watching, "Bokura ga ita")

ganbatte ikimasshoi!

I just finished watching the japanese drama Ganbatte Ikimasshoi (means do your best). It was a story about a highschool girl who was so passionate in rowing that even if her school only supports rowing for guys, she single-handedly sought girls like her who might like rowing and proved to the coach that they can revive the rowing club for girls.

The story went on with the five girls doing their best and even winning on competition. On their senior year in highschool, they were able to get in the finals for the most prestigous inter-school rowing competition. However, Etsune, the captain of the club, hurt her waist just before that was scheduled and she ended up not being able to row at all.

Rowing being the only thing that motivates her high school life at the time, she succcumb to depression upon learning that she will not be able to participate in that competition. She quit the rowing club and avoided her friends.

Then one of her friends talked to her and said the following things:

"To me, rather than counting the number of things you can do, I'd rather find something I can actually do."

"If you don't know when to put your paddle down, the next match can't even start."

Those lines just made me realize that giving up on something does not necessarily mean you are quitting. You might have no other choice but to quit due to reasons like health problems. But that shouldn't mean that quitting that way means putting an end to your dreams. Instead of sulking and thinking that you should have been a great rower, or whatever it is you wanted to do... You can just use your efforts looking for something else that would replace that passion you have for that thing you lost. Instead of holding on to things that we can no longer do or enjoy, sometimes it's really time to "put your paddle down" or just let it go so the next good thing will start happening...

It was such an inspiring story of how to gracefully give up something you really love.

In the end, Etsune gladly accepted the fact that she really can't row because her body can't take the hard training anymore. But she still remained in the club to assist in other ways. The drama went on to show that even if their club actually lost that prestigous competition, it was actually the best row they've had because they had a sixth crew member: Etsune was just running along the shore of the lake with the girls rowing and kept on cheering and encouraging them, shouting "Ganbatte Ikimasshoi" the entire time.

Indeed, whatever the circumstances, wherever you are placed... just always do your best.

Ganbatte Ikimasshoi!

and i thought I was sober... Reflection #11, 2008

I was debating whether I should blog about this or not since Sunday.

A couple of songs decided it for me.

This afternoon, two songs from the movie "If Only" was playing at our soundsystem at the office. Combine that with what happened last Sunday and viola! Hello emotional wreck.

There are two or three songs that have no doubt will take me to a trip down memory lane.

1. Love Will Show You Everything and Take My Heart Back from the move If Only -
These two songs just take me back to that time when we were watching the movie, which is like the saddest movie i've ever seen. And i just kept on remembering how hard I cried on that movie and how he just consoled me in the movie theater. You know, it has to be one of our sweetest moments at the time... me, bawling like a kid and him with his one arm wrapped around my shoulders and his other hand holding his own hanky, gently wiping away my tears.

2. Chasing Cars from Gray's Anatomy -
I wrote the lyrics of this song on a card and I gave it to him while we were inside the car, parked outside Alabang Festival Mall. Then I took out my iPod and I asked him to listen. (this would be around the time when he really was decided on giving up our relationship and yet I was still stubbornly pushing myself to him.) He took the ipod, put the earphones on and leaned back at the seat and he closed his eyes. It has to be the saddest memory I have of us. I just sat on the passenger seat and watched him with his eyes closed while listening to that song. And in my mind I was thinking of the lyrics of the song while I kept on furiously wiping my tears away as they cloud my vision of him peacefully listening to that song...

So why the sudden trip down this painful memory lane?

I saw him last sunday. So that would be like 7 months since I last saw him. I was entering St Francis Square (on my way to attend the 12pm service at CCF) then while walking, I caught a  glimpse of his sister first, then his dad, then I saw him...

It's still different, you know? After all these months, actually it's been a year now, it's just not easy. When I was sober from his presence all those 7 months, I was perfectly fine. I mean there were still sudden rush of memories, but those I was able to quickly shrug off and move on. But on this particular Sunday, it's just different when you actually see him again.

It's like a movie, you know, when you are surrounded by people in a crowd, you are even bumping to each other but the moment you actually saw him, even just the strands of his hair... that's enough to stop you in your tracks and for a split second, your feet won't coordinate with your mind as it wills to turn around and run. Then absolute silence seems to envelope your entire body as your eyes rests on his face... Then as sudden as it happens, you'd feel your knees and your hands shake... Finally my feet started to act on its own and I just felt myself walking hurriedly away from them as far as I could.

I just realized it's just amazing how your heart responds to that image.

That face of a man who'd broken all your dreams and have almost broken your spirit.

And funny how you'd hear the following verse being shared by the Pastor:

The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?
- Jeremiah 17:9

Memory Verse #1

Have I ever told anyone how greatful I am of Jheny? I met her at the One Way singles retreat last year and she's been a blessing to me ever since. Her friendliness and openness to people just astound me sometimes. When I was wallowing in my own dark world just recently, she did not get tired reaching out to me, encouraging me... I may not say this often or not say it at all but I really couldn't thank God enough for her.

Yesterday, she called me up at the office to challenge me for a memory verse. Now, to be honest, I haven't really done that in a long time. So, I took up the challenge and told her I'd memorize Psalm 139:23-24. This was the verse shared by Ptr Ricky last Sunday at CCF and it is such a powerful prayer and I pray God will just grant this prayer to all of us.

Here goes:

Search me, O God, and know my heart
Test me and know my anxious thoughts

See if I have any offensive way in me
And lead me in the way everylasting.

Did i get every word right? :)

Sweetly Broken, Wholly Surrendered... Reflection #10, 2008

**wrote this at the office yesterday but posting it just now because they've already disabled the multiply from our network...

It's really been a while since I've listened to christian songs. but today, while here at work, suddenly I had the urge to get my iPhone and do just that - listen.

Last night I updated my iTunes and made a playlist of my ccm faves (contemporary christian music) and that's what's currently playing in my phone now.

While my hands are typing, my mind working, the music was just playing in my ears like a background and I'm not even really listening to the lyrics, more like just hearing them.

But when the song sweetly broken by jeremy riddle came on, I just stopped working for a while, closed my eyes for a minute and really listened. This song spoke to me again today, the same way it did the first time I heard it at station one.

The words really just describe exactly how i'm feeling towards the lover of my soul and it's very fitting now that we are being reminded of his passion, death and resurrection. I look at the clock now at my avaya phone and it's 3:33pm. A chill went down my spine as I remember this would have to be about the same time that my Lord did just that - gave up his life willingly, suffered thru all the pain, just so I can be saved.

I'm simply humbled. And suddenly lost for words...

Listen Here

To the cross I look.
To the cross I cling.
Of its suffering I do drink.
Of its work I do sing.
On it my Savior,
both bruised and crushed,
showed that God is love,
and God is just.

What a priceless gift:
undeserved life
have I been given
through Christ crucified.
You've called me out of death.
You've called me into life.
And I was under Your wrath,
now through the cross, I'm reconciled.

At the cross You,
beckon me,
draw me gently,
to my knees and I am,
lost for words so,
lost in love,
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered!

In awe of the cross I must confess,
how wondrous Your redeeming love and how great
is Your faithfulness!

where was i the past few weeks... Reflection #9, 2008

It still surprises me how people can just change overnight. That cliche has always been at the top of my head but when it happens, it just leaves one dumbfounded on how things really does that... change...

And the funny thing is I am just amazed on how fast I changed. Me. Moi. Watashi.

If you have been reading my blogs you'd have noticed the change since February. I stopped blogging on my thoughts, my fears, my victories, my relationship with the lover of my soul... Simply because I think I ceased to think and feel...

Work has always been a popular excuse. Though it's really true because I think my boss is driving me crazy sometimes... But there is just something that died within me that made me lost my passion.

I am not proud of what I've been the past few weeks. I've been missing choir practices, have been late attending if I did come to practice, I've stopped coming to dawnwatch, I've opened my new bible only twice since I got it in January, I've not attended dgroup for the longest time, I stopped playing hillsongs in my itunes and the worst thing I did... I stopped praying... And the scariest thing was that I was aware of these things and yet I didn't do anything about it.

Yes, there were feeble attempts on my part to regain that fire within me, the passion I once had in serving the Lord. I said to myself I will start reading the bible again and I even took an assignment from Ate Rona to transcribe. But so far, I haven't succeeded in both.

But the Lord has always been faithful. He has His own way of taking you back. Even if you sometimes feel like you are not worthy to come back, nothing you do will ever make the Lord give up on you. We are that important.

Let me share what happened last week.

Last Saturday, I was supposed to do three important things: 1. Witness Jheny's baptism. 2. Attend Choir Practice at 2pm. 3. Attend FMM practice at 7pm.

I didn't do any of those things. Instead, I was out getting drunk. I had to be frank and admit I was enjoying my time taking those shots! I couldn't stop giggling, alcohol had that effect on me.

But God in His infinite wisdom started to work in taking me back. During those dark moments, I did not even text those people I promised to meet but did not. Out of shame, I did not even inform my choirmates nor our ministry head that I wasn't planning to join. I was thinking I'm just one insignificant person. Who'd notice?

God did. And so did these people I neglected. Since Saturday afternoon I've been receiving text messages from them asking what happened to me, why am I not attending the practice. Jheny (I just thank and praise God for you), did not give up on me. Even if I totally missed attending her baptism she didn't even harbor any ill-feelings. She just kept trying to reach out to me.

But I was still sulking in my own dark world. I have not been replying and I did not even attend the Sunday service! Though that night I started to reply to them.

Monday came and Jheny still tried her best to take me back. She texted me, asking me to join a bs that night. It was actually Marty who invited us. I almost didn't want to join because I had a deadline at work that night but I guess out of guilt since I didn't come to Jheny's baptism, I said yes.

So I joined. And I just have to say... I actually missed the fellowship. I felt God working in me then. Whatever came over me to stop thinking about Him for the past few weeks have started to break. Though I'm not fully back in track, the way I've been before this coldness settled in my heart, I'm on my way to getting there.

Today, I had lunch with Ate Rona. My faithful discipler, whom I know have been praying for me all the while. I just thank and praise God for you as well. For reaching out to me and understanding my shortcomings. I told her what has been happening lately and she just listened and told me I just have to remember the lessons I learned during this period.

What indeed did I learn these past few weeks?
1. Spiritual dryness happens to everyone. No matter how deeply rooted you think you are in God's word... Even if you are constantly in touch with your fellow believers... More so even if you offer your time in His ministry... Spiritual dryness happens. We'd have to be watchful at all times.
2. Ate Rona pointed this out today: We might be nibbling on things that are not necessarily bad or evil... But we might not notice that these things that are supposedly not bad, might just slowly but surely eat up our time and make us spend less and less time with God.
3. It's different to be involved in a group, in a ministry. The best thing that I learned from all this, I think, is that when you give yourself to a dgroup or a ministry, you really become a part of their family. In such that when something happens to you, they will take notice... and take action. I learned first hand what "accountability" means.
4. Just a renewed realization that indeed my God is a Faithful God. Think of the story of the lost sheep. He'd really do something to look out for that sheep. In this experience, I feel like that... a sheep.

There are still some more lessons I've bagged from all this, but those are the big ones.

Indeed, changes do happen. But thank God for second chances.

just be with me today...

I just realized, it's already March 1. The year is already 2008. Just four nights of sleep and I'll wake up adding another year to my existence here on earth.

Where did I spent those 26 years of my life? How did I make use of every second that ticks in my clock? Who did I share my life with? Did I make a difference in one's life? When did I start to really live? If the lover of my soul would look at me today, what will He say? Did someone really love me, have I been worthy of being loved at all?

I am afraid.

I'm not getting younger and yet I don't feel as if the life I've been living actually matters to anyone.

What is happening to me?

Father God, please just be with me today. Draw me close.
Fight with me as I turn these gloomy thoughts away.
I know in my heart that with You in my life, I should be content.
But there is something that is eating me right now.
I've lost the zeal to serve; lost the courage to smile; lost the fire burning inside.
Just be with me today.
Please.

on suffering

Waiting is painful.
Forgetting is painful.
But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.

-- Again, forgot who actually wrote this. If you know, please tell me :)

on love

Love doesn't ask many questions, because if we stop to think we become fearful. It's an inexplicable fear; it's difficult even to describe it. Maybe it's the fear of being scorned, of not being accepted, or of breaking the spell. It's ridiculous, but that's the way it is. That's why you don't ask - you act.

-- I got this from a book I read last year. I wrote it down on a piece of paper, but I didn't write the title of the book so now, I can't really say who wrote it. I'm guessing probably Paolo Coelho... Don't know.. Maybe from his book "Veronica Decides to Die"

-- If by any chance this looks familiar to you, please let me know who actually wrote it so I can properly give credit! :)

on romance

"Romance can thrill us to our core, but it's only a small part of true love. We've been playing in the sandbox; God wants to take us to the beach."

- Joshua Harris, I Kissed Dating Goodbye

1 day 08:24:19

I don't think I've ever been so addicted with anything in my life.... Until now, that is!

We had a long weekend and guess how I spent it? Glued in front of my laptop. Grrrrr.. Totally messed up my entire three days off doing just one thing -- watching japanese, taiwanese and korean dramas over the internet.

Waaaaaah!!! I really don't know how to stop. Help! Just on Sunday night to Monday night alone, I finished the entire series of "Which star are you from?" That was after I finished "It started with a kiss" on Saturday night... And before I watched a japanese movie...

Waaaaaah!!! And today, here I'm about to go to the office. But guess what time I slept this morning? I slept at 6am! Because.... I watched episodes 1 to 7 of "Hana Kimi - Japan" (Which is so kawaii, by the way! Ahahhaa! I'm learning the language!)

I know, this is just crazy. And I probably need help already.

*sigh*... Look at the duration of my internet connection before I finally shutdown my laptop last Monday night... This is the longest I've ever been logged on -- 1day, 8hrs, 24 mins and 19 secs.

Waaaaaaah!!!!

of ISO, P&S, SLRs and all that photography jargons... Reflection #8, 2008

Last week, I stumbled upon a website created for artists (or those trying and aspiring to be one - that's where i fall in the category of things!)

You know about it already (at least those who've read my blog about trying to be an artist). The thing is I really can't get it out of my mind. So whenever my eyes would fall on a "subject", I get this mental image of how it would have looked like if I had a camera and was able to freeze that moment. I think I told all those who are willing to listen (or those who had no choice but to listen) of my "newly acquired" passion in photography. I so wanted to take this as a new hobby! So I told everyone I knew and it's great to know i have a lot of supportive friends because most of them became as excited as I am! :)

Anyway, so while I'm saving to buy a real camera (now I know they are referred to as SLRs), I'm like a hungry student thirsting for anything related to photography. Thanks to the deviantART website, I came across an article that lists a series of internet links that tells a lot about basic photography.

So for the last two days I've been reading online articles, enough to know the following:
1. P&S or point and shoot is how they referred to the compact digicams that everybody seem to have nowadays
2. SLRs or Single Lens Reflex is what they call the bulky cameras that I refer to as the "real camera")
3. I learned that most of the SLRs doesn't have live-viewing while taking a photo because they have a different mechanism than the P&S ones. But the first digital camera to ever use the LCD in taking a picture is the Olympus E-10 (naks, i sound smart... :p)
4. I finally found out what ISO is for! It's actual word meaning escapes me as I type this blog but so I learned it is actually connected with the light sensitivity. So have you taken those pictures in the dark and of course you use a flash and when you review the image, all you see are your subjects washed in white light and the background is pitch black? Whew! We should have adjusted the ISO then to 400 or whatever is the highest your digicam can get.
5. Did you know that in 2004, Kodak stopped producing film cameras?! (I didn't know!)
6. Photographers would rather refer to pictures as "images" or "photos"

There's just too much to take in! So they have jargons like "noise", "shutter lag", "depth of field", "rules of third"... and who knows all the other jargons I haven't encountered yet!

I just want to share that this is making me really excited. And the best part about all this?

I seem to have the approval from the lover of my soul! So this morning, as I sat waiting for the service to begin, I flipped thru the CCF Chronicle for some announcements and guess what my eyes saw?

The CCF Photography Ministry is offering a
FREE Basic Photoshop Workshop
this Saturday, February 16, from 1:00pm - 6:00pm

Isn't it great how God even uses these things to make you feel you are loved and thought of every single day? There I was, all worked up in this "new interest"... even neglecting my quiet time as I learn more about photography than Him. But there goes my savior, presenting this great opportunity for me.

Now as I reflect more on it... I was supposed to go with Lien Release on their team building this Saturday, but this will be an overnight activity at Blue Coral in Batangas. Which means, if I go then I'll miss the music ministry practice on Saturday night... which then means I will not be able to prompt for the 3pm service on Sunday. I was seriously considering giving up my ministry in order to join the team building.

But God have a different plan for me, He always does, you know? So instead of me missing out on our time together on Sundays, He just led me to this opportunity to learn more on my new interest so I didn't have to go on that overnight trip and miss the practice and the worship service.

So with heavy heart, I'd have to turn down Ms My and Mimi's invitation for me to join their team building. I know it will be fun. It's beach, after all and I'm a beach fanatic too. And I am sure, there are a lot of sights that I could be taking pictures of. And I'd get to know more of the team members from lien release. All of that excitement, in exchange for my once a week date with the lover of my soul.

What wins? Of course, the latter.

I just feel so loved right now.