Wistful

It is a gloomy day. As if there is an overcast in my life, I am feeling that something is lacking. It made me go back to this old site. To read past writings, past musings and past foolishness. For the past hour I have cringed, laughed and cried. I miss the old me. The woman whose faith can move mountains. The one who takes time to reflect. The lady who prays.

It has been years. To say that a lot has happened is truly an understatement. I am now married. I am even pregnant! Living in a different country and like billions of other people on earth, totally dependent to my smartphone. I am ashamed to admit that a lot of my time is spent scrolling through that little screen in my hands. And I am even more ashamed to admit that I no longer remember when was the last time I read my bible.

Today, I cried to the Lord. I was listening to the song Praise you in this storm by Casting Crows and the words just seeped through my soul.

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I realized I have been in a storm for a really long time. A typhoon of sorts that ate up my Faith. Not that I have gone full agnostic nor God-forbid an atheist, but I have become a stand-by Christian. It made me sad and longed for the old days when I was an active church member. Oh, I still say my thanks. I still acknowledge that Jesus is my savior. I have just lost that zeal that I used to have. But despite that, God has never left me. I am still blessed beyond what I deserve. He is truly amazing!

My dear Lord Jesus, thank you for not leaving my side. Even during my lukewarmness you have blessed me. You have even granted my wish to get pregnant. I owe everything to you and I am so sorry for my audacity of not spending as much time with you as I used to have. I pray that you will open my heart and my mind that I may go back to my old self who sings songs of praises all day long. You know what is in my heart. You know what is troubling me this day. In my anguish I cried out to you, Lord. And I felt great. I felt your loving embrace. I missed it so much, Lord. Please let this day be the start of my renewed relationship with you. Please always open my eyes and my heart to what is more important. And that is you, Lord. Amen.

Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation And sustain me with a willing spirit.

- Psalm 51:10-12