Q1 2009 in review

Time check... (or day check) It's May 22 and I've been to how many places and gimiks this year? or rather... how many out of town plans have I rejected? Huhuhu... It's just the first quarter of the year and yet I've turned down so many invitations! As I write, the entire HR team, Ms My and Francis and even Daddy Rafael is relaxing in Cebu! I should have been there too! Yesterday, instead of enjoying an overnight stay at Hacienda de Tolentino in Arayat, Pampanga I had to push myself to the limit and just have a "day tour" instead of overnight so I can be at prompting practice in CCF. Next week, my favorite travel buddies from RFS IT are going on a hike to Mt Pinatubo. Waaaaaa! I. Am. Jealous. Beyond words. :(

There was the Anawangin trip last Feb 14 that I was not able to join to, the Baguio trip I turned down last weekend, the Potipot trip with Mimi and her kids, the Coron plans with Ms My in May... the list seem to go on! List of places I missed and I will miss this year!

Waaaaaaa! I have to admit, I really am a bit sad that I was not able to be part of all these. However, as what I told Ms My earlier at ym, this is a year of humility and discipline to me in terms of my finances. Hayyyy, being disciplined is never easy. But we need that once in a while so we can grow in character.

Actually, the real reason why I am turning down all these, aside from the very obvious reason that I really need to cut down on my expenses is because I am hindering myself from missing out on ministry and my sunday dates with the lover of my soul. Missing the sunday service is now totally out of the question. I guess I was really convicted when we discussed the sabbath in one of our FMM dgroup devotions.

So at the end of the day, I guess after being hit with the initial jealousy attacks that I was not able to be part of a gimik, it is okay. I have my goal to focus on: to grow more in my christian walk. I know some of my friends does not understand this. They just can't figure out why I can't take a rest from ministry and join them. I don't blame them since last year I said yes to wherever they ask me to go to. I wasn't attending ministry at the time, I was okay not attending even the sunday services and I wasn't doing my quiet time.

And look at where it lead me to. I just inflicted hurt upon myself. I was lead to believe lies and even committed sins. It never fails. When I am out of touch with the lover of my soul, I am a disaster waiting to happen. If I could change anything at all in 2008, that was to never miss ministry, never miss on dgroup, never miss on sunday services and most of all, never miss on praying unceasingly.

I just thank the Lord on how faithful He is. He picked me up (again) in the deep pit I was into. Though I have my future before me which is tainted with the stigma of sin and laden with more promises of discipline for my previous wrong doings, I am ready. Even if that would mean less travels for me, less photo-ops, less gimiks... I am ready.

In the recent weeks that I have been studying the bible seriously, I am reminded of my purpose here on earth. It's not about me. It's about Him. I am created for His purpose. My life he owns and so I submit.

Living in this world, that is never easy. I've heard the comments of some of my friends on my firm decision of "absolutely no gimiks in weekends." They've made a big joke out of it too and I think in their minds, I am turning out to be a freak... a Jesus freak. But who cares? I wish they'd just try to meet and get to know the lover of my soul and they'd understand. :)

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire beside you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
- Psalm 73:25-26

into the Potter's Hand

* shared by Rei via sametime and email :)

A Little Teacup Story

A couple vacationing in Europe went strolling down a little street and saw a quaint little gift shop with a beautiful teacup in the window. The lady collected teacups and she wanted this one for her collection, so she went inside to buy the teacup, and as the story goes the teacup spoke and said:

"I want you to know that I have not always looked like this. It took the process of pain to bring me to this point. You see, there was a time when I was just clay and the Master came and he pounded me and he squeezed me and he kneaded me and I screamed: "STOP THAT!". But he just smiled and said, "Not yet."

Then he took me and put me on the shelf and I went round and round and round and round... and while I was spinning and getting dizzier and dizzier I screamed again and I said, "Please get me off this thing... please get me off!!!" And the Master was looking at me and he was smiling, as he said, "Not yet."

Then he took me and walked toward the oven and shut the door and turned up the heat and I could see him through the window of the oven and it was getting hotter and hotter and I thought, "He's going to burn me to death!"

And I started pounding on the inside of the oven and I said, "Master, let me out, let me out, let me out!" and I could see that he was smiling as he said "Not yet." Then he opened the door and I was fresh and free and he took me out of the oven and he put me on the table and then he got some paint and a paintbrush.

He started dabbing me and making swirls all over me and I started to gag and I said: "Master, stop it... stop it... stop it please... you're making me gag". He just smiled as he said "not yet."

Then very gently he picked me up again and he started walking toward the oven and I said, "Master, NO!! Not again, pleeeease!!" He opened the oven door and he slipped me inside and he shut the door and this time he turned the heat up twice as hot as before and I thought, "He's going to kill me!!", and I looked through the window of the oven and I started to pound on it, saying, "Master... Master, please let me out... please let me out... let me out!"

I could see that he was smiling but I also noticed a tear trickle down his cheek as I watched him mouth the words, "Not yet!"

Just as I thought I was about to die, the door opened and he reached in ever so gently and took me out, fresh and free and he went and placed me on a high shelf and he said: "There, I have created what I intended. Would you like to see yourself?" I said, "Yes." He handed me a mirror and I looked and I looked again and I said, "That's not me, I'm just a lump of clay."

He said, "Yes, that IS you, but it took the process of pain to bring you to this place. You see, had I not worked you when you were clay, then you would have dried up.

If I had not subjected you to the stress of the wheel you would have crumbled. If I had not put you into the heat of the oven you would have cracked. If I had not painted you there would be no color in your life. But, it was the second oven that gave you the strength to endure. Now you are everything I intended you to be - from the beginning." And I, the teacup, heard myself saying something I never thought I would hear myself saying, "Master, forgive me, I did not trust you. I thought you were going to harm me, I did not know you had a glorious future and a hope for me. I was too shortsighted, but I want to thank you.

I want to thank you for the suffering. I want to thank you for the process of pain. Here I am! I give you myself - fill me; pour from me, use me as you see fit. I really want to be a vessel that brings you glory within my life."

Yet, O Lord, You are our Father; we are the clay,
and You our Potter, and we all are the work of Your hand.
- Isaiah 64:8

on Faith... Prayer # 7, 2009

Do you know that when you have concerns and issues battling in your mind and you seriously seek the Lord and cast all your cares upon Him, He does answer and does it consistently?

One of the things that is constantly in my mind lately is how do I move on from my recent heartache. How? Just that. I am already resigned with the idea that the Lord has just used that person to continuously mold me into His likeness. I'm past the denial stage, the bitter stage and is now truly in the acceptance stage. Next is Letting go stage. So in my quiet times I just ask God "Okay, how do I let go now? What do I need to do next?"

In my encounters with the Lord through the church messages, dgroup sessions and other readings, I see a consistency in the messages that is being drilled in my head.

CCF has started just recently finished on the series of Ephesians and for the past two Sundays have embarked on studying the book of Habakkuk. Our messages have been entitled "Honest Faith", "Expectant Faith". Point to remember: Faith is total dependence on God for salvation and survival.

Then during our Dgroup with Ate Rona last Friday, I learned that the second book of James is also centered on discussing Faith and remember that healthy debate we've had on the formula of Salvation. Also about Faith. Lessons learned from this session, click here!
This afternoon, Rei shared a very inspiring story to me about a teacup. Read here. It shows the story of a teacup questioning and complaining to his potter, only to find out later on that the processes it had to go through are necessary to make it into a teacup. Lesson: Have faith that your maker knows exactly what He is doing.

At 6:30 this evening, I attended another dgroup. I've been asked to join the BS Bank dgroup of Alvin and First and other bank employees within the makati business district. The invitation has been long given but it was just today that I was actually able to attend. What do you know? They are doing a series on James too. And yes, it was about Faith as well. Main take away: God is in control and is never late with His rewards.

I remember a sametime conversation I had with Ms My. One time she consulted me on some issues she had and I answered her based on what I know of the word. She told me that Ate Divine, her housemate who is also attending CCF, said the same thing I did. Then we both realize, God is very consistent in His teachings. He will never contradict Himself.

A topic on Faith will not be complete without its sister words such as Trust and Patience.
So today I am just very thankful that the lover of my soul is consistently telling me to just cast all my cares on Him and keep on, be patient and hold on to my Faith and just trust Him completely.

So about that concern I have? It's all yours, Lord! I know in Your perfect timing, You will just take away the pain. In fact, I'm feeling that it's being lifted already. I've already noticed changes in me with regard to this concern. I am so excited and looking forward to the day that it will just fade away into a mere memory.

As I go to sleep today, this is my prayer: (Again taken from Stormie Omartian's Power of a Praying Woman)

Lord, increase my faith. Teach me how to "walk by faith, not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:7). Give me strength to stand strong on Your promises and believe Your every word...
Make my faith increase every time I hear or read Your Word. Help me to believe for Your promises to be fulfilled in me...

I know "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen"
(Hebrews 11:1). I know I have been "saved through faith," and it is a gift from You
(Ephesians 2:8). Increase my faith so that I can pray in power...

Help me to take the "shield of faith" to "quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one" (Ephesians 6:16). Help me "to ask in faith, with no doubting."
Increase my faith daily so that I can move mountains in Your name.
Amen.

If you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain,
"Move from here to there," and it will move;
and nothing will be impossible for you.
- Matthew 17:20

When reason ends, Faith begins

I attended my first official dgroup tonight. (Last week was a celebration, this week we were down to business of studying THE book). At a few minutes after 6pm I was already on my way to the elevator and was really excited to catch a bus going to CCF. (Yes, I am on high again in wanting to get to know the lover of my soul more--just wish it stays that way forever!!!) By 7pm I was already walking towards Megamall Bldg B. I thought to drop by the supermarket first to grab a bag of chips to share to the group and get a dinner for myself. I left Megamall with Jamaican Pattie, two bags of chips, a juice drink and my all time favorite mints: Mentos. :)

So armed with food, my bible clasp in my arms, my joyous spirit and teachable heart, I walked towards St. Francis Square ready to dig deep into the word and take away wisdom. Ate Rona texted this morning that we are studying James. (Actually they have been studying James, it seems, I just found out that morning what it was.. Hehehe.. Ate Rona included me again in her regular text blast since I told her I am definitely coming this Friday)

When I entered our usual room at the third floor, just a handful of girls were there. Some are running late. I arrived just in time to eat my dinner and catch up with the latest news on each other. A few minutes later, we started. Then the fun began. :)

I just want to share that I learned a lot on my first session with my dgroup this year. I am so glad I am in this particular Firday night discussion. I just can't go to sleep without documenting the highlights of this night:

- We were reading James 2:1-13. A topic on favoritism. But on a broader light, it is about Faith

- Then we launched into a little debate about the formula on salvation. Our church firmly believes that Faith + Nothing = Salvation. But the formula does not end there. As a by product of being saved, you are expected to do good works. But doing good works alone will not save you. Check on this verse:

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves,
it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.
- Ephesians 2:8-9

Being a christian for almost eight years, I've never doubted that there is only one way in getting into heaven - through the lover of my soul: Jesus Christ. Once you have fully accepted the fact that we are all sinners but are washed clean by the blood of Our Lord, we are saved. Simple? No. It does not end there. Living a life of a christian is not hard. It is impossible. Man's human nature is to be tempted and to fall into sin. It is by God's grace alone that we are saved. And once we have fully and completely committed our lives to Christ, it is then that we are expected to start living according to His words. This is where doing good works come in.

This does not follow that as long as you say you believe and accepted Christ as your savior but refuse to do good works you are saved anyway. It simply does not follow that a true repentant born again will not do good works because if you truly surrender your life to Him, you will be overcome with so much love that you have no choice but to simply give it away.

What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds?
Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,"
but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?
In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
-James 2:14-17

- One of our sisters raised a concern on that, she still can't accept the fact that Salvation = Faith + Nothing. In her eyes, it will always be Salvation = Faith + Good works. We put in some time discussing on this. Everyone threw in their views, beliefs accompanied by bible verses. But in the end, we can't convince her. Though we were a little worried on this, I simply admired how she defended what she believes. Made me check myself if I was the one being challenged with my Faith, will I respond with the same conviction that she did?

- That made way for more challenging questions and discussions. And I am so blessed to hear my sisters throw an explanation back and forth. At first I was silent as I listened and wrote down notes (yes, I was recording most of what they were saying, I wanted to remember all of it!) then towards the end, I heard myself defending my Faith too.

- One of the questions that arise is... "What about the case of a Robin Hood? Meaning what if one person is super generous to everyone else like Robin Hood, he steals from the wealthy but gives it all away?" Answer: Our sovereign King is Holy and will never put Himself down to a lower standard. The end does not justify the means.

For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it. For he who said, "Do not commit adultery," also said,
"Do not murder." If you do not commit adultery but do commit murder,
you have become a lawbreaker.
-James 2:10-11

It was definitely a long and healthy discussion and I wish I could really write everything here but this blog is long enough. :) The night ended with me having the fire burning again. I'd like to compare what I felt to a newly born vampire - with unquenchable thirst for more knowledge about the lover of my soul.

This also left me with a great realization that truly, Faith begins where reason ends. I remember back in college a philosopher by the name of Sigmund Freud argued that the existence of God is just a creation of a man's mind driven by his psychological and emotional needs and wants. Someone very famous and influential today is saying the same thing. Have you heard of Oprah? She said, (I watched it in youtube) that man created god. I respect that everyone has their own minds and some smarter than others. I'd say most of the atheist that walks on this earth are probably geniuses who just have the answer to everything.

I thank God for giving me the mind that I have, I thank God that I am not intellectual enough to even question His very existence. I am just content as I am, with the knowledge that I have a loving savior who has saved me from eternal death.

Faith is to believe in something that we don't see.
And the reward for that Faith is to something that we believe.

** If you have questions that arise from reading this blog, you can ask me and I'll try to answer you with the limited knowledge that I have. I am still learning everyday. But you can start here, please go and visit this site  or join us every Sunday at St. Francis Square in Ortigas.

Yamete Kudasai... Prayer # 6, 2009

You know what is the hardest thing in moving on and letting go after a rejection?

No matter how much you try to really let go and start a new life, you can't seem to do so.

1. Either it's because there is a constant reminder right in front of your face

2. or you have people around you who constantly remind you of it and even makes a joke about it as if every word that comes out of their mouth is not equivalent to millions of tiny needles piercing your already bleeding heart all at the same time.

Or both.

Every single freaking day.

How sad isn't it that the most painful experience to ones life is a load of joking matter to another. People tell me to talk about it, joke about it so it will go away quickly. Been there, done that. Everyone knows already what happened and everybody has made a big joke out of it. Someone has even coined a term about my situation - "Jeliene Syndrome." Oh yes, it is funny alright. I am laughing, okay. I can't help giggling, fine! But has it really helped me? Have you bothered to ask? Do you think after all the laughter has subsided and I am back alone in my room, am I still okay?

No.

In solitude I am reminded that everyone knows what a stupid person I've been. My careless comments and impulsive decisions is just a laughing matter to the world. I've been reduced to a mere mockery of myself. My ineptitude in refusing to be used over and over is being drilled to my brain cells when I am alone with my thinking mind.

So tell me, how do you pick yourself up from all that when everyday you are dragged down again and again... when you are reminded of how foolishly you've trusted someone so easily. Only I knows the entire story. It is just me who knows that there is still a deep wound that refuses to close, a torrent of tears ready to fall down from my eyes and a number of memories that constantly replays itself in my mind.

But I guess I am still smart enough to know that all these suffering and torment and torture are all in my head. My mind is the battlefield. I am smart enough to be aware of that. But I am such a simpleton that until now I haven't waged war with my own mind.

But I am getting there. I refuse to be left alone dealing with this excruciating pain. So for once and for all, for the last time, let me address this.

My friends, help me on this. Stop teasing me. Stop asking me as if we are together because we are so not! Never had been, never will. I am so not hoping anymore so stop hoping for us. Stop reminding me how dumb I've been. Yes, I admit I fell for the guy and for a while I thought it was leading somewhere. But it did not. Okay, do you get it now? So, stop asking questions. Stop assuming something is still going on. Because there is just none. And I doubt there will be.

I am trying to heal a wounded ego, a crushed heart and a broken spirit.

So stop adding salt to injury with your knowing glances, snide remarks and point-blank-questions.

Let me move along with the little dignity I still have left.

Heavenly Father, you know these thoughts have been in my mind for a while. I am not sure if writing it down and letting the world know will do me any good. Oh well, everyone seem to know what is happening anyway, I might as well address it and get it over with. I just hope and pray that whoever reads this will stop reminding me of how stupid I have been. I want to finally leave all that behind me. I know Lord with your help I can do anything. But sometimes I am losing a bit of my trust. Please don't allow me to entertain more of these thoughts. Please help me control the workings of my mind. When it starts to feed on more memories, please wake me up and make me realize that You are more than enough for me and no amount of past memories should make my faith in You loosen up.

You alone knows the extent of this concern. You alone knows how I've cried over this. You alone knows how I've battled within. I know Father you are working on this with me. May I always put my trust in You and may I always remember that You are the sovereign king and You know what you are doing. Instead of dwelling on the past, please help me make use of my time on other things that will give glory and honor to You.

You know how many times I've prayed about it and still I am praying again about this. Lord, I just want to finally be set free from this. If there is still anything that I haven't learned that I should be learning from this experience, please open my eyes that I may realize that immediately so I can finally put this behind me. I leave everything in your hands, Lord.

Amen.

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God,
that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him,
for He cares for you.
- 1 Peter 5:6-7

Counting My Blessings, Prayer # 5, 2009

After twelve roses, five cakes, one big giant cookie, eleven birthday cards/notes, seven times of unwrapping of gifts, more than thirty text messages, around forty facebook greetings and lots and lots of captured moments with all my friends, I think it's time to end my birthday celebration series. :)

As I said, the reason why I love my birthday is because yearly it reminds me that my God the Father decided I am important enough to be created. And also because during this time you'd find out who treasures you and takes the time to send that birthday greeting through email, text, ym, facebook and yes friendster too.

Just flip through the nine albums on my birthday and the blessings I enumerated above... and you'd realize... I am so abundantly blessed!

One colleague pointed out that I have such a great network of friends to celebrate this long. I've never thought of my friends as such - "a network" and his comment did make me see that I know so many people and that kind of made me realize that how I am with the people around me is such a huge responsibility. What I say and do may affect them and looking at it that way scares me a little. I am the most transparent person I know. I wear my heart on my sleeves and I blurt out things easily. When I am irritated or angry or hurt, the person beside me will hear my litany of rants and when I am exceedingly happy, the person beside me will get tired hearing me rave. When I frown, I might pass on the negative aura to whoever I met and when I smile, I just hope I can influence others on that too.

These things made me get my favorite book on prayers - The Power of a Praying Woman by Stormie Omartian and made me scan through the topics to look for the right words to pray about what I am thinking and I found chapter twenty five where it says "Lord, use me to touch the lives of others."

So this is my prayer for today:

Lord, thank you so much for blessing me this much. Until now I can't contain my joy from the many friends who took time to celebrate with me for my birthday. Thank you Lord for the network of friends you have provided me. I just realized how big my responsibility is to conduct myself properly to bring honor to you and not to shame your name. Help me to see things that will hinder myself from giving glory to you in all my interactions with the people around me. Give me wisdom and guidance to live according to your ways. May the people I have offended before learn to forgive me and may you open my eyes that I may see where I am lacking and that I may see if I hurt someone. Continue to shine through me, my Lord. Equip me with your light that when people see something good in me, they will see you and when they will see something that will shame your name, may they rebuke me that I may be able to straighten my ways.

It has been a great journey of twenty eight years, including the eight years that I have known you truly. Father God, you've seen me at my worst and have guided me through my best times. I have been stubborn in some areas of my life but you have always been  so faithful and patient in taking care of me. Thank you Lord for all the blessings you have given me, for all the pain I inflicted upon myself whenever I will go out of your way, for all the tears I have cried these past eight years. All those I know is part of your plan to mold me in your likeness.

Last Thursday, Pao texted me asking how she can pray for me for my birthday. I replied to her and said "Please pray for my GB." Her reply will forever be engraved in my mind as she said "Maging GB ka muna..." Yes, Lord thank you for opening my eyes through Pao that before I can ask for that someone you have in mind for me, that God's Best... I myself have to work on being the best for that someone. Thank you Father God for the valuable lessons I learned towards the fourth quarter of last year. I just pray that I will not forget those and please continue healing me from the scar of that very painful experience.

Lord, as I end the celebration of my birthday series, I submit to you the remainder of my life. Use it as you please, to give you honor and glory and I say the same prayer from the book:

"Lord, show me what You want me to do today to be a blessing to others aound me. Specifically, show me how I can serve my family, my frends, my church and the people whom You put in my life. I don't want to get so wrapped up in my own life that I don't see the opportunity for ministering Your life to others. Show me what You want me to do and enable me to do it. Give me all I need to minister life, hope, help and healing to others. Make me to be one of Your faithful intercessors, and teach me how to pray in power. Help me to make a big difference in the world because You are working through me to touch the lives of others for Your glory."

Amen.

"Let no one seek his own, but each one the other's well-being."
- 1 Corinthians 10:24