Things I should have known two months ago... Reflection #14, 2008

Thanks to the time in my hands, I was able to refocus my attention to reading, instead of sulking and questioning God on my heart issues.

Last week I've been faithful to my quiet time. I set aside half an hour each morning when I wake up and each night before my head hit my pillows to sleep. I've been spending these minutes reading passages from my bible and a daily devotional book. I even went back to journalling. Something I used to do religiously but I have neglected for the past few months.

Due to our move, I had to unpack all my things out of their boxes. And on one of those boxes, I got hold of my journal and with a feeling of nostalgia, I flipped thru page one and stated to read. I then sat comfortably on my bed and my hands just started turning pages until my eyes read the entire thing. My journal doesn't contain the things I did for the day. It mostly consists of three things: my prayers, the verses that spoke to me and my daily ten. I used to start my day listing my "Daily Ten" - something I learned from one of the dawnwatch sessions I attended last year. The idea is to start your day listing all the blessings you received the day prior so you'll go on with the day with the those thoughts in your head. Really a perfect way to dispel any negative thoughts out of your mind.

It was quite a revelation on the magnitude of God's love for me when I was going thru the entire journal. I really am a blessed person. I got so much blessings and the most of the prayers I've listed there have been answered. It was a humbling experience to me - to know that regardless of my unfaithfulness to my Lord, He still have so much more to give to me.

So with trembling fingers, I picked up a pen and started to write again... This time, I wrote a letter to my God... outpouring all the pain in my heart, surrendering my life, begging that He once again take over and direct me to the right path.

Part of my renewed commitment to walk with my Lord again, I started to read Christian books again to help my mind absorb more of thoughts on Christian living, rather than dwelling in the worldliness of my environment today. From these two weeks of being offline from the internet, I was able to read the three books written by Joshua Harris. And with eyes wide open I realized so many of the things I did, which I shouldn't have done and so many of the things I didn't do, which I should have done.

I couldn't help but cry in some of the things I read. All the time I've been chiding myself - I should have read this at least two months ago! And I could have saved my heart from being broken again. But good thing that the Lord is a God of second chances and I just believe that He has His own reasons why I am reading all these just now and why I experienced those things I went through. With blind faith, I trust that my Lord knows what He is doing and after all these suffering, I know He will redeem me and offer something greater.

But to share these things I should have known two months ago, I'm listing the takeaways I got from reading those books and from reading God's word:

* When God knows you're ready for the responsibility of commitment, He'll reveal the right person under the right circumstances.
* Waiting for God's perfect timing requires trusting in His goodness and wisdom. We develop patience as we trust that God denies us what we think is good only because He has something better for us-both now and in the future
* Romance can thrill us to the core, but it's only a small part of true love. We've been playing in the sandbox; God  wants to take
us to the beach.
* "I'm looking for someone who will light candles, not just curse the darkness."
* Love should not be stirred up before its proper time, because the love relationship, unless carefully guarded, may cause grief instead of the great joy it should bring to the human heart.

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."
- Song of Songs 8:4

* True love doesn't just wait; it plans. - Ken Myers
* The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing.
* Girls should assume that until a guy expresses interest , they're just friends.
* Eve was not taken out of Adam's head to top him, neither out of his feet to be trampled by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected by him, and near his heart to be loved by him.

I just pray, now that I have all these wisdom in my head, it just doesn't stay there. Dear Lord, may these words seep into my heart and may these serve as a guiding light as I course through this life.

The greatest revelation to me was the answer to a verse that I came across to a few months back and something that have been parked in my mind.

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?
- Jeremiah 17:9
 

Through my readings I came to realize that we shouldn't rely or trust our own feelings. Emotions come from the beatings of our heart and in some or even most cases, it is misleading. It tells us things, makes us believe and puts a longing that we don't really need.

It is still a struggle waking everyday remembering memories of the recent events... It is still painful to see how someone can change overnight and just somehow go through life as if nothing happened. It is still a battle of will to stop oneself from caring. And it is still tormenting to just see someone's smile. Sometimes you are firm, you are ready to face the world. But sometimes you stumble and breakdown again. I did stumble once and fell really hard. But one of the things I learned from my readings is that "when you realize you've made a mistake, the best thing you can do is tear down the wall and start over."

Going back to the deceitful heart. Joshua Harris answered it for me with this verse:

For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.
-1 John 3:20

At the end of the day, it's not the quantity of books I read that will help me. It's not even the advices of my friends that will make me see things. More so that it's not my own conviction to change that will end my own misery. It all goes back to that one being that is the sole purpose of this life - the lover of my soul, my Lord and saviour. God is indeed greater than anything and anyone else in this world. I choose to put my trust and my life to Him now.

on reading as a hobby

Being offline for the past two weeks is really refreshing. I mean, not only was I able to take a break and sleep early (and long... my average sleeping time went up from 5 hrs to 9hrs!) but I found out that I actually have a lot of time in my hands! Guess what, since I went offline, I finished three books already and I'm halfway on my fourth read. Then I realized... I missed reading!

Back in my school days (yes, that includes grade school to college), I was a book worm. I'd choose being locked in my bedroom, lying on my bed, with a book in my hands than sit in front of TV even if it's hooked to cable.

I enjoyed reading various titles ranging from the intellectual shakespeare to the juvenile genre that includes the Sweet Valley series. I was hungry for stories then! I could read for hours, not minding my hunger and my sleepy eyes. I remember once I slept for just one hour because I was up all night reading a romance pocket book. Then I had to drag myself off my bed to go to school. Certified bookworm! :D

I just hate not finding out what happens next so I really finish off a book as soon as I have a chance. And I really hate it when someone will blew it for me. I could kill... hahaha :P Once I was reading this novel in high school and halfway through it, I just happen to  mention to my classmate that I was reading it and guess what, she just blurted out the ending. Grrrrr! I swear I almost strangled her! hehehe.. morbid ko talaga...

Of course about 80% of the books I've read are all love story, romance pocketbooks! I started with the Sweet Dreams series and went on to try the mills and boons line and I graduated reading the historical romance novels of the likes of Judith McNaught, Julie Garwood and Jude Deveraux to name a few of the authors I've grown to love. Then in college I was introduced to Anne Rice... I dropped all my interest with romantic novels and fed my new found hunger on her vampire stories! I just loved how her mind is so twisted for her to concoct those Lestat stories... hehehe!

After I graduated from college, I started reading the non-fiction, self-help, inspirational books. My mind was already filled with the romantic stories from high school and college so to take those all off I changed my interest to books that made me think and made me realize things about life.

If only I used my passion in reading on educational books I could be super smart already! And I almost did, actually... When I was about 8 or 9 years old, I remember we used to have a "library" at home. Though it was just a bookshelf, but it was filled with two sets of encyclopedia, a LIFE series book and some other science related reading materials. At such a young age I remember spending hours pouring over those colorful pages of the science book and feeding on my fascination with a few science related topics like where did rainbows come from?

However, due to a financial need at the time, we actually had to sell those books! Tsk tsk tsk.. Lesson learned and note to self: When you have a family and a kid who is into reading don't take away those treasures... Or she will end up like you: a hopeless romantic because of those damn romantic novels. hehehe :D

Hold on, I've been babbling here for a while already.. where is this blog getting into? I don't know either! hehehe! Basta I used to love reading books and I realized I missed reading a book. So thanks to moving into a new house and having the need to cut my internet connection... I guess I'll go back to my first ever hobby: "Read"

So for some of those people who commented on my extensive vocabulary and my writing skills... I guess I owe it to all those pocket books I read.

Guess I did get something from those after all... :)

"Ouch.. Gudmorning!"

hrAp
umsA,
kc d m0
Lam f an0
kb sknya...
D m0 lm
qng sn
k dpt LUmugar,
hrp
mgdcsy0n
kc minsn kLA
m0 mhL
k nya
pRo ang 22o
pnsa2ya kLng
nya
kc LAm nyang
mhAL m0 xa..

-- text from Ms My... hehehe... effort gayahin ang pag kaka text...
pang gising... one morning I opened my eyes and read this.. hahaha...
I jolted out of my bed and screamed "Damn! Ouch! Ang sakit sa heart..."
hahhaa.. joke lng.. exagg yang kwentong yan :P

poems from the past... #5

Darkness Fell

When darkness fell, I could hardly believe
The feeling was not true, I was deceived
So I just cried myself to a deep sleep
Hoping and praying you would take a peek
But you did not come nor even glance back
Instead you just left me here in total shock
What have I done for you to snatch away
The only thing that made me until this day.
Have you realized that I wasn't worthy
That you deserve more who's high and mighty?
Now, I have resigned myself to the pain
Hoping it'll be washed away by rain
But I have no regrets though it cuts like a knife
Because you've shown me once the beauty of life.

by: me
circa 1998-2000 (basta college)

-----------------------------------------------
part 4 of 4
from my poem collection entitled
"An Illusion On the Beauty of Life"

I remember, I was supposed to enter this four-parts poem in
a poem-writing contest back in college...
However, I missed the deadline. hehehe :)

poems from the past... #4

A Dreamt Bliss

I have experienced my very first bliss
It's so unusual from the past dark mist
My unpleasant past gradually vanished
Replaced by a joy so profound, I thought I'd perish
All the attention in the world, you showered on me
Like how a sun shines for a mere tree.
You gave me my very first rose
Which replaced all the past hidden throes.
I thought I was the luckiest person on earth
All because my being is filled with mirth
But I was wrong since you were just a dream
With open eyes, there's no honey and cream
But still through this, I would like to thank thee
Because a dreamt bliss you have made me see.

by: me
circa 1998-2000 (basta college)

-----------------------------------------------
part 3 of 4
from my poem collection entitled
"An Illusion On the Beauty of Life"

I remember, I was supposed to enter this four-parts poem in
a poem-writing contest back in college...
However, I missed the deadline. hehehe :)

poems from the past... #3

A Whole New World

Through you, I have seen a different world
One which does not appear to be so blurred
I began to appreciate small things
I found out all the happiness it brings.
Like an innocent child, I was led
To this new world, I inhaled my first breath
You erased a very unpleasant past
To this new world, you gave me back my trust.
All the hope in the world is now in my grasp
Since my hand and your hand are in a clasp
Like a rainbow after a thunderous rain,
You gave me happiness after all the pain.
Through this, I want to give thanks to thee
Because now, a whole new world I can see.

by: me
circa 1998-2000 (basta college)

-----------------------------------------------
part 2 of 4
from my poem collection entitled
"An Illusion on the Beauty of Life"

I remember, I was supposed to enter this four-parts poem in
a poem-writing contest back in college...
However, I missed the deadline. hehehe :)

poems from the past... #2

The Beauty of Life

My life was bleak and dark
In solitude, I can never see a spark
My eyes were shielded with unpleasant things
Before, my heart never ever sings
My eyes were blinded, blinded with tears
My body was numb, so numb with fears.
In the midst of darkness, I was all alone
I could not do anything but moan.
You came, I knew then it's you whom I seek
What I felt was like I'm in the highest peak
Like a flower that sprang to life
All of a sudden, my whole being became alive.
Through this, I want to thank thee
Because now, the beauty of life I can see.

by: me
circa 1998-2000 (basta college)

-----------------------------------------------
part 1 of 4
from my poem collection entitled
"An Illusion on the Beauty of Life"

I remember, I was supposed to enter this four-parts poem in
a poem-writing contest back in college...
However, I missed the deadline. hehehe :)

on packing, moving on and the so-called literary masterpiece

I've been packing for three days already. I took the day off just to get it over with. It's way past five in the afternoon.. And I'm not halfway done yet!

It's not that I have a lot of stuff to pack. I mean, I'm in charge of my own bedroom only. And I only have one narrow bookshelf, one cabinet, a mattress for a bed (don't even have a bed frame!), an Orocan plastic container for my designer bags (which I conveniently use as my laptop table), an industrial electric fan, and two small makeshift shelves and dozens of shoe boxes stacked against the wall. That's all I'm taking with me and those clothes in the built in dresser in this room.

So what's eating my time?

It's those millions of paper bits stored in my cabinets. Not just papers... Pictures, books, trinkets, pamphlets, and all those stuff that I will just tag as "memories."

I'm not the very organized person you will meet. Though it's not that you'd need a shovel to go through my things in my room because I'm not that messy either. But I have a tendency to hold on to things that means something to me at one time. Yes, sentimental is the right word. I mean, I'm the type of person who keeps the receipt from a restaurant or holds on to that movie ticket or collects grains of sand from the beaches I've been to...

I keep the things, no matter how big or small, that reminds me of something I love, something I like and something I dream of.

I hold on to these. Until such time that I am ready to let go.

Once in a while I do a general clean-up of my stuff. On these rare occasions, I open all drawers, look into all envelopes, browse through each book I have just to look for something I may have kept. Then I decide whether I still want to hold on to it or is it time to let go and put it in a trash.

Today is just like that! The reason I can't finish packing is because I'm going through all my things. Literally. I saw things I've kept since gradeschool! It's a fun process because I usually laugh in times like this. I can't believe how foolish I can be at times whenever I see things that I fancy before but makes me cringe with embarrassment now.

So I am again in a realization that people do change. Just because you loved the color black in your high school years doesn't mean you won't love color pink ten years later. Just because you loved to read romance novels in your college life doesn't mean you will not be loving the non-fiction books years later. Just because you didn't have a cabinet full of stuffed toys in your growing up years doesn't mean you can't have one in your grown up years.

Funny how our preferences change. Our feelings change. Our thoughts change. No one can be a predictable being all their life. You are bound to change one way or another.

But then again, some things do remain the same. :)

Through my rummaging I saw an envelope I previously tagged as "Literary masterpiece"... Haha.. Masterpiece nga ba? I don't think so! Far from it... But these are the words I connected together to form a thought, to convey a message to someone or to simply have a say on anything... Looks like since decades ago I can't seem to stop my brain from thinking, my heart from feeling and my hands from writing...

One sample is the poem I already posted four entries back.

And since I unearthed this envelope of papers with words on it... I might as well post them for the world to see (and laugh at...hehehe). And besides, they are along the lines of what I'm feeling lately...

Go amuse yourself with my works! Most (or all) are really cheesy:D

poems from the past... #1

Never Again In Solitude

When clothed in fears and pain
Before, I alone would find a way
I never trouble myself to others
To cease such things and leave afresh
On my own, I struggle and fight
To the troubles that seem to cling to me so tight
In solitude, some I have managed to solve
But others remain too hard to be absolved.

Now, I cast my eyes towards the heaven's gate
To weep silently and beg for grace
So merciful, He never failed to answer
I felt enveloped now with a hug so tender
All troubles, they seem to fade
As if a whole new me was made.

Now, I'm no longer all alone
Because He's there on His throne
He'll no longer let me cry in seclusion,
He'll be there to soothe my apprehensions,
He'll be ready to clothe me with His embrace
And shower me with sweet caress.

by: Jeliene Siao
circa 1997

on suffering... #2

Waiting is painful.
Forgetting is painful.
But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.

Did you know that...

... it pains me to look at you and not be able to touch you
... it kills me when i hear you singing love songs, knowing you probably mean it for someone else
... it hurts to smile at you knowing you're probably thinking of someone else
... it burns me to hear you laughing when I'm stuck in my suffering
... it tortures me to pretend that there's nothing wrong in front of the world when there is and even you can't understand it
... it cripples me to talk to you and not be able to tell how I feel
... it grieves me that I can't take care of you the way I would want to
... it weakens me to stand beside you and not be able to hug you
... it wounds me to decide whether I should wait or let go and move on
... it just breaks me thinking about you.

Father God, I know you have majestic plans in all these.
Please show me how I should handle it.
I don't know anymore what actions to take.
I didn't realize that I've fallen too deep.
I almost don't feel like I can get out of this pit.
But I know I can, with your grace. I beg you to please end this soon.
Or just equip me with a strong heart to take on all the challenges that I will face.
I know Lord you are teaching me something from all this.
Please open my eyes that I may see what I need to learn.
Amen.

The sufferings we have now are nothing compared
to the great glory that will be shown to us.
- Romans 8:18

on waiting

Wait for the LORD;
    be strong and take heart
       and wait for the LORD.
                      - Psalm 27:14

Yet those who wait for the LORD
       Will gain new strength;
       They will mount up with wings like eagles,
       They will run and not get tired,
       They will walk and not become weary.
                       - Isaiah 40:31