being better in brokenness... Reflection #13, 2008

So last night I slept with a heavy heart, a confused mind and a broken spirit. I woke up at 9:45am, feeling the need and urgency to take a bath, get ready and prepare for the 12pm service at CCF.

At exactly 12, I was entering the CCF auditorium. Alone. For the last three Sundays, I've been attending with a friend (you know who you are and I thank God for you). But this time it was appropriate to come and seek God alone.

So I sat at my not-so-usual seat on Sunday services. This time I sat a little at the back, beside the camera man. I wanted to be as secluded as possible, wanted to make sure I had the tiniest distraction. It's between God and me today.

Three Sundays ago I attended the Sunday service after being absent for two months. I was filled with trepidation at the time. Shame and guilt were eating me, knowing that in my absence I chose to live with the world. It was a great service. But somehow I felt incomplete. My head was filled with new teachings, new verses, new learning... but my heart was far from being complete. The following Sunday, it was almost the same. So I remember crying out to the Lord... "Please break me that I may feel your loving presence."

God, in his infinite mercy, heard that prayer and did just that. Whatever happened last night was so painful that I just couldn't help but cry myself to sleep.

But you know what? This afternoon at the church, I've felt the same feeling I did last year. I was just unmindful of everyone and was just in my own little world as I sing, pray and clap for the Lord. I felt every bit of His presence, in my brokenness...

As if I was watching my life in youtube, I began to see the things I've been doing. The things that weren't glorying to my God. And I just felt his loving presence as I felt the conviction to change, to go back and to be one with Him again.

I've never felt the longing to sing for God again as I did today. Suddenly, I missed (for real) the choir, dawnwatch, my dgroup, FMM... I missed everyone! I missed the fellowship. The conversations with fellow believers. I missed eating kakanin and lumpia at the 3rd floor with Jheny while waiting for whatever... I missed praying! I missed CCF! I missed the Lord.

I so wanted to go back. My choir mates, will you accept me when I come back this Saturday? I saw Coney after the service. And I've never been happier to see her, my twin! I so wanted to talk to someone today so I asked her to spend time with me before she heads off to her ministry. I told her a little of what's bothering me and I shared with her how I felt... And she shared with me this verse, which is so fitting to what I am feeling today:

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
 and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18

Realizing all these things now, somehow I felt wouldn't it be better to be broken and be close to God at all times than be perfectly fine and lose the passion for Christ?

But I know the Lord has perfect plan for all of us and He wouldn't want any of us to be stuck at being broken. It's just His way of telling us that it's time to give up and let Him take the wheel of our lives and let Him lead us to the right path.

Once again my eyes have been opened and I know see again my faults, my wrong doings, my stubbornness. I realized that indeed it is impossible to live a Christian life. Without God, it simply can't be done. For sure we'll stumble and fall every now and then but God will do everything to take us back. I thank the Lord for using what happened last night to open my eyes.

I saw light in my darkest moments.
I saw completion in my brokenness.
I saw healing in my injuries.
I saw God.

Father God, I want to go back.. in your arms..
There is nothing more important in this world than to exalt you.
No career, no friends, no family, no man
on this earth can ever fill and satisfy all my needs.
It's all about you, Lord.
The journey back to you will be very hard.
But I trust and know that you are with me.
I am ready.
Take me back, my Lord.
Amen.