sheer torture

Last week a friend confided about his break-up with his girlfriend (who he's already planning of proposing to on June 21 - the girl's birthday)... Anyway, since Saturday last, we've been texting non-stop. He'd tell me how devastated he is... how insane his thoughts are running... how he refused to eat, insisting he has no appetite at all.. basically, what his current state is at any given time of the day.

I am trying to be a friend and comfort him. He said the reason he's telling me all that is because he knew I went through the same heartache a year ago and that I would understand. And I do understand. Really. So I tried my best to be with him through replying to all his text messages, with the hope that somehow my experience and the lessons I learned will help him get pass this.

4 hours ago, he called me at my cellphone and again he unloaded his emotions to me. I remember Awit saying sometimes people just need someone to listen to them, not necessarily seeking solution to their concerns, and so I just listened, hardly saying anything at all (just a few mumblings to let him know I am still on the other line). But I did listen to every word, I stopped fumbling with my laptop and gave my whole attention to him. I won't narrate the things he told me. But the thing is, every word that came out of his mouth is like a stab in my "healed-heart" that after the 43 minutes phone call (43 minutes of heart-stabbing experience), my heart is bleeding again. Yes, I was so sad with what he is going through and so sad that he can't seem to get out of that mess.

But now I realize my heart started to bleed again because the wound that took me months to heal is open again. With his words I remembered the pain and hurt I went through. The hurt of being left alone. Of being rejected. Of being broken.

He asked me when does it end? When does the tears stop to fall? How can he forget the memories they shared? I bravely answered that it does end. With God's grace, his suffering will end. I told him "tips" on how to get over. I told him stories of what I did and why I am okay now. I shared with him bible verses that carried me through those dark times.

But now hours after that conversation, I ask myself: Is it really over for me? Have I really gotten over that entire hurt-pain-suffering-devastation ordeal I went through last year? How do you define being "over"?

Last week, Ms My told me that out of curiosity she checked scep's friendster account. She asked me if I wanted to know what she saw. I told her no, thanks. I told her I believe scep is already in a relationship but I'd rather not know the details. She said ok. But a few days after, we were fooling around with sametime, sending emoticons and pictures back and forth and suddenly she sent a cut-out from someone's picture. At first she sent only the top of the head that shows the hair and forehead only. She asked me to guess who that was. I told her I have no idea. Then she sent me the bottom part of the face (the mouth and chin this time)... it was smiling. I still have no idea who that person in the picture was... so I just asked, "Ako ba yan?!" Then I told her to send the rest of the cut-out to complete the face of that person. At first she said she wouldn't but I insisted and so she sent the eyes. Then I realized it was scep's face. I would recognize those eyes anywhere. The eyes that looked at me so lovingly for six and a half years and the same eyes that looked straight at me and told me it's time to end things...

I started to laugh. Funny that I didn't recognize the smile... I told Ms My that my heart took a leap when I saw those eyes. Damn. After one year and three months, those damn eyes still have that effect on me. Is this what you call being "over" someone? Then sadness overtook that laughter because I realized that the reason I did not recognize that smile is because he wasn't smiling for me anymore in that picture or I am no longer the reason for his smiles...

So indeed, how do you get over someone? When do you say you are finally over? Is it when your heart stops responding to images you see that is connected to that person? Are you only "over" as long as you don't see that person?

For the longest time I haven't checked his friendster account. But tonight, something took over my hands, it started to move on its own and my fingers started to click on search and typed his name... Then I pressed enter and the page came on the screen with his picture. My heart started to pound as I scanned over his page. With trembling fingers now, I clicked on his pictures and one by one I looked at the entire public album. Each photo showing a smiling scep. He looked so darn happy. And here I am staring at the screen with emotions piercing my stabbed heart. How can someone look that happy knowing that at one time, they crushed someone else's heart and spirit?

The pain is overwhelming. It's like a raw wound seasoned with salt. Sheer torture.

So is this what being "over" means? Seriously not.

Oh my God, I know you are in control.
I know you only have the best for us.
I've already surrendered all these to you a long time ago.
I don't want to get it back but somehow, the feelings are back.
Please take it all away again, Lord. Rule over my life.
Help me to remember how good you've been to me for the past year.
Refresh in my heart and in my mind the healing and comfort
you've given me through all the people around me.
Shield me again under your wings.
Hide me from this pain, O Lord.
I entrust to you my entire life, my future.
You decide what is best for me. I will follow.
But Lord, I ask of you, I beg you, take away this pain in my heart.
Long ago I believe I've already given up the hope that we will get together again in the future.
I no longer have dreams of us being together again.
But why do I still feel this way whenever I'd remember the past?
Release me from all these, O Lord!

And please make me strong in dealing with my friend.
Please give me the patience to listen the next time he calls.
Give me an understanding heart the next time I read his text message.
And most of all, please equip me with your wisdom and your love
that I may be able to help him get through this same pain and suffering.
Amen.

messages sent!

Day 1 - Saturday

"Awwww! Ok lng, don't say sorry... I'm here if you need to talk. I know how hard that can be..."

"Oist! May kasama ka ba? Wag k ganyan. Magaalala ako. Hindi yun ang sagot. Lam ko mahirap yan. Wag ka muna magwala. Pls call someone who can be with you right now. Anlayo mo kasi. Puntahan kita sana."

"----!!! Sino kasama mo? San ka? Ano ginagawa mo?"

"I know mahirap yan pero kaya mo yan babae lang yun!"

"Cge magtxt k lng, makikinig ako..."

"May ibang plans si Lord for you. That's what I learned when scep left me. Sa kanya din umikot ang mundo ko. Sobra hirap yan sa umpisa pero I trust that the Lord knows what He is doing. I am praying for you, ----. I'm just here."

"I agree.. Mahirap intindihin yan. Pero God works in ways we'll never understand completely. Sometimes He only wants us to trust Him first before He reveals His plan. I pray that you will seek Him in this trying times. Gusto mo meet bukas? Attend ka ulit CCF. I am inviting you. Kahit sa alabang din. I can meet you there and we can talk after.."

"Dito n lng tayo sa ortigas. Libre kita lunch. Kahit san mo gusto. :)
If you haven't done it yet, try mo mag pray. Talk to God as if He's in front of you. Complain to Him. Cry out to Him. Ilabas mo lahat. Just try it. Basta if you want to talk, dto lng ako to listen. I'm praying for you, ----"

"Anu ka ba. I don't mind at all. I completely understand. Last year ako yun ganyan. :) go lang. Txt mate tayo tonight. Hehe"

"I had the same question before. Bakit umabot p ng almost 7 yrs. Kmusta nman sa time ko yun. Pero look at me now. Still smiling at lalo ako gumanda. Haha. Joke. Pinapatawa lng kita. :)"

":( Kaya mo yan, ----. Wag kn mag isip. Pray. I am praying with you."

"Matagal n proseso ang makalimot. Hayyy. Wish I'm there. I'll just hug you hanggang makatulog ka. :( God is with you though. He listens to all of your cries. Just trust and comfort will visit you soon."

"Hindi no. Txt k lng. Mapapagod din ang mata sa pagluha at ang kamay pagtxt. :) Until then, I'll keep you company."

"You are welcome. Thank God kung nakatulong ako kahit konti. Dto lng ako..."

"Cge sleep na. Tamang pills lng ha. Isa lng! :) I pray God will comfort you even in your sleep. Txt me tom. Anytime."

Day 2 - Sunday

"Good Morning. Kakagising ko lng. San ka na??"

"Awww. Pero good yan. Better yun. :) cge basta txt k lng."

"Ok. I understand. Matagal tagal yan pero kaya mo yan. Basta hang in there. Balitaan mo ko baka umalis k bigla. Kumain ka nga! Para sa anak mo."

"Dto lng ko friend ko. Makati. Kaw?"

"Meron maya 6pm. Anu trip mo ngayon?"

"Sama ka CCF dto sa ortigas. Basta keep yourself occupied."

"Cge take the day or even the week off. Basta I'm just here. Sana nga makasama ka nxt week."

"Of kors. :) I'll listen."

"Ganun talaga yun, ----. :( Ilabas mo lang yan. Go lng umiyak. Basta inom k ng tubig ha!!"

"Get busy and start doing things u don't usually do. Nung ako, I kept myself busy with church. That really helped me a lot. Halos suicidal ako dati buti n lng someone cared enough to invite me to attend church. Why don't u try? I am inviting you to ccf nxt wk. It helps to know someone cares and loves us more than any person can ever will. People will always disappoint us, that's what I learned pero my God and savior never will. I am praying for you, that your soul will calm soon, that your heart will stop from bleeding, that your mind will rest from thinking, that your spirit will arise and seek the Lord and that soon you will learn to smile again. *hugs*"

"Definitely will take a while. But trust that the Lord knows what He is doing."

"Sometimes He wants us to learn things we don't realize we need to learn pala. And sometimes He just wants us to trust completely. Blind trust, complete submission."

"Kumain knb? Kakatapos lng ng service sa CCF. Pls eat ha. And try to pray like God is in front of you. Seek Him. I'll be with you in prayers."

"Sira ka. Uminom k man lng ng madaming tubig!! ----!!! Dali! Punta ka ref, kuha ng malamig n tubig!!! Go!!"

Day 3 - Monday

"----!! Morning! I just woke up. :) Kaya mo yan, pahatid kn sa driver sa bulacan! Alis kn muna. Dyan nb tita mo?"

"Yup go elsewhere. Wag ka stay dyan laguna! San n tita? San k ngayon? Ano gawa mo? Kumain ka na ba?"

"Tsk tsk! Labas ka dyan!! Wala pala canteen ngayon kasi holiday? Tsk tsk! May pasok kasi ako. Kung wala puntahan kita dyan! (naks, anlakas ng loob! Hehe) san na tita mo??"

"Paluin ko yan tita mo e, antagal ka puntahan!! :) Basta pagdating nya alis n kyo driver. Ok?"

"Kumusta na? Hehe. Nakatulog ako knina ulit at ngayon lng ko nagising! San ka na?"

"Wag mo na i-text, ----!!! San kn?"

"First thing talga to get over is to rid yourself of her. Lam mo ako tinanggal ko lahat ng pictures at gifts at anything na scep-related. Step 1 yan para hindi mo ma-miss as much."

"I know. Hanggang ngayon mahal ko pa rin c scep! Langya ni hindi ko sya matignan ng hindi ako nanginginig at kinakabahan! Pero I just learned to let go. Hayaan natin maging masaya yun mga mahal natin. Kahit di n tyo yun ksama nilang masaya. Kaya mo yan ----. Ako dami ako ginawa din to hold on samin ni scep dati. Ngayon tinatawanan ko n lng mga ginawa ko. Cge do what u like, txt her, call her, torture urself. I'm just here to listen."

"How to move on? Immerse yourself in other things. Get busy. Go out. And eat, for ur son's sake! Kumain knb?"

"Hurting urself will not change anything. Alis kn muna dyan laguna. San kn?"

"Musta na? Kumain kn?"

"Sa bulacan kn? Kumain kn?"

"Anu ba!! 2 days kn di kain?! Pero san kn ngayon?"

"Hey how are you? Sori nasa meeting ako. Kaya mo yan ----. Magkita nga tayo bukas on ur way to bulacan! Txt mo ko ha?"

Day 4 - Tuesday

"Morning ----! I just woke up and I'm so glad to read your message. I pray God grants you a peaceful day ahead and a healing very soon. And I hope you'll eat something finally and get some fresh air and sun! :) Txt k lng, I'm just here. God bless."

"Thank God! Cge that's the best thing to do. During my own darkest days only God sustained me and I know He will do the same to you. Txt me what time tayo meet on Sunday. :)"

"San kn? Kumain kn?"

"Hayyy! 3 days kn di kumakain??!! Anuba?! San tita mo? Kala ko punta ka bulacan?"

"Oks. Cge keep busy! :)"

"Yes!!! Kumain kn?! Sa wakas! Hehe. Berigud. Naku ----, buwan at taon p ang bibilangin bago mawala sya sa isip mo. Nababawasan lng ang sakit as time goes on pero di completely mawawala. Until now, di ko p rin matignan kahit pic ni scep sa friendster kasi kinakabog p rin dibdib ko. Hehe. True yan. Kaya ni delete ko sya sa acct ko. Pero it gets better. Trust me. Trust that the Lord knows what is best for us. :)"

"Sumasagot nman b friends nya?"

"Yup. Office pa kaya ako! San kn?"

"Waaaaaa! Sa laguna ka pa din? Kelangan mo ng bagong environment! :( alis k muna dyan."

"I understand. Hehe. I think ako nun mga 2months na umaasa, nag aantay ng txt, tawag, email.. Anything! Until napagod n lng ako mag antay so I changed my cell#. Before ko ginawa yun, araw-araw akong nagte-txt sa kanya! I believe everyone should live their lives without regret so if you want to still pursue her, go lang para di ka magsisi later on. Kahit magmukha kang tanga with ur actions. Atleast u know u did everything. Ako looking back, dami ko sobra stupid things n ginawa. Pero ngyon wala akong mga what if questions. Sana nga maayos pa ---- kung yan talaga ang will ng Lord. It takes time talaga. Cge lng, do what you think is best. If it turned out well, thank God. If not, dto lng ko, you can cry on my shoulder.:) and I know God is with you too. Until then, you'll be in my prayers."

Day 5 - Wednesday

"Good Morning ----! Sharing this verse with you, please keep this in mind:
'I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."
-Philippians 4:13
May you have a better day today. :)"

"I sent it just to show I know what you are going through. Lam ko gano kasakit... Pero look at me now, ok na. At least surviving. And I owe it all to my God. You can claim that healing too, ----. It will take a while but you will be okay.:) I'm just here for whatever.:)"

"Ikaw ang kmusta?! I'm glad you see it that way. Lam mo simple lang ang gusto ng Lord satin. That is to trust and believe in Him. That He loves us so much so He sent His only son. Once you accept that truth, everything follows. My experience with scep is my testimony that no matter what, only one thing matters. That is my relationship with the Lord. All the rest - family, friends, relationships - all that is 2nd priority. Tara on Sunday ha. He's been waiting for you  to come and accept Him."

Day 6 - Thursday

"'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.'
-Matthew 11:28-29
Praying for a better day for you. Good Morning."

"Thank God for your realization. I am looking forward to your journey of acceptance, healing and getting to know the Lord more. Remember God never made a promise that is too good to be true, just trust that He knows what is best. One of the promises He said is this:
'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'
-Jeremiah 29:11-13
Keep praying and talking to God. He listens. And me too, I'm just here! :)"

"Hey musta na? I had the busiest and most stressful day ever! Hehe. Ngayon ko lng nhawakan cell ko! San k? Pumunta kb bulacan?"

"Hayyy ang sad... Pero ok lng maging tanga basta later on you won't have what if questions. It's really hard to teach our hearts how to stop caring. In fact, I doubt u can. What happens is you'll just later on feel numb from being hurt too many times. Then you'll just get used to that feeling until finally you let go. I agree that's how you really love, you think more of the happiness of the other person. That's how I was too with scep. Kaya the saddest conclusion I've ever thought of is maybe he just lost that love for me kasi it didn't matter to him that I was hurting too much... Keep living ----. Life doesn't end here. There's always a new day. I'm still remembering you in my prayers. Hoping you'll have a peaceful sleep tonight. :)"

"Definitely. Magagalit ako sayo kung di ka magpapakita sakin!!! Hehe! :) gudnyt!"

the atheist prof and the new student

** grabbed from doki :)

An Atheist Professor of Philosophy speaks to his Class on the Problem Science has with GOD, The ALMIGHTY. He asks one of his New Christian Students to stand and . . ..

Professor:    You are a Christian, aren't you, son?
Student:      Yes, sir.
Professor:    So you Believe in GOD?
Student:      Absolutely, sir.
Professor:    Is GOD Good?
Student:      Sure.
Professor:    Is GOD ALL-POWERFUL?
Student:      Yes.

Professor:    My Brother died of Cancer even though he Prayed to GOD to Heal him
Most of us would attempt to Help Others who are ill.

But GOD didn't.
How is this GOD Good then? Hmm?

(Student is silent)

Professor:    You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, Young Fella. Is GOD Good?
Student:      Yes.
Professor:    Is Satan good?
Student:      No.
Professor:    Where does Satan come from?
Student:      From . . . GOD . . .
Professor:    That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this World?
Student:      Yes.
Professor:    Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And GOD did make Everything. Correct?
Student:      Yes.
Professor:    So who created evil?

(Student does not answer )

Professor:    Is there Sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness?
All these terrible things exist in the World, don't they?

Student:      Yes, sir.
Professor     So, who Created them?

(Student has no answer)

Professor:    Science says you have 5 Senses you use to Identify and Observe the World around you.

Tell me, son . . . Have you ever Seen GOD?

Student:      No, sir.
Professor:    Tell us if you have ever Heard your GOD?
Student:      No, sir.
Professor:    Have you ever Felt your GOD, Tasted your GOD, Smelt your GOD?
Have you ever had any Sensory Perception of GOD for that matter?

Student:      No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.
Professor:    Yet you still Believe in HIM?
Student:      Yes.
Professor:    According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student:      Nothing. I only have my Faith.
Professor:    Yes, Faith. And that is the Problem Science has.
Student:      Professor, is there such a thing as Heat?
Professor:    Yes.
Student:      And is there such a thing as Cold?
Professor:    Yes.
Student:      No sir. There isn't.

(The Lecture Theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events)

Student:      Sir, you can have Lots of Heat, even More Heat, Superheat, Mega Heat, White Heat, a Little Heat or No Heat. But we don't have anything called Cold. We can hit 458 Degrees below Zero which is No Heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as Cold. Cold is only a Word we use to describe the Absence of Heat. We cannot Measure Cold.
Heat is Energy. Cold is Not the Opposite of Heat, sir.

Just the absence of it.

(There is Pin - Drop Silence in the Lecture Theatre)
Student:      What about Darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as Darkness?
Professor:    Yes. What is Night if there isn't Darkness?
Student:      You're wrong again, sir.

Darkness is the Absence of Something. You can have Low Light, Normal Light, Bright Light, Flashing Light . . .. But if you have No Light Constantly, you have Nothing and it's called Darkness, isn't it? In reality, Darkness isn't.

If it is, were you would be able to make Darkness Darker, wouldn't you?

Professor:    So what is the point you are making, Young Man?
Student:      Sir, my point is your Philosophical Premise is Flawed.
Professor:    Flawed? Can you explain how?
Student:      Sir, you are working on the Premise of Duality.

You argue there is Life and then there is Death, a Good GOD and a Bad GOD.

You are viewing the Concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure.

Sir, Science can't even explain a Thought.

It uses Electricity and Magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one.
To view Death as the Opposite of Life is to be ignorant of the fact that
Death cannot exist as a Substantive Thing.
Death is Not the Opposite of Life: just the Absence of it.
Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they have evolved from a Monkey?

Professor:    If you are referring to the Natural Evolutionary Process, yes, of course, I do.
Student:      Have you ever observed Evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shakes his head with a Smile, beginning to realize where the Argument is going )

Student:      Since no one has ever observed the Process of Evolution at work and cannot even prove that this Process
is an On-Going Endeavor, are you not Teaching your Opinion, sir?

Are you not a Scientist but a Preacher ?

(The Class is in Uproar)

Student:      Is there anyone in the Class who has ever Seen the Professor's Brain?

(The Class breaks out into Laughter)

Student:      Is there anyone here who has ever Heard the Professor's Brain, Felt it, Touched or Smelt it? . . .

No one appears to have done so.

So, according to the Established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have No Brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then Trust your Lectures, sir?

(The Room is Silent. The Professor stares at the Student, his face unfathomable)

Professor:    I guess you'll have to take them on Faith, son.
Student:      That's it sir . . .

the Link between Man & GOD is FAITH.

That is all that Keeps Things Moving & Alive.