just be with me today...

I just realized, it's already March 1. The year is already 2008. Just four nights of sleep and I'll wake up adding another year to my existence here on earth.

Where did I spent those 26 years of my life? How did I make use of every second that ticks in my clock? Who did I share my life with? Did I make a difference in one's life? When did I start to really live? If the lover of my soul would look at me today, what will He say? Did someone really love me, have I been worthy of being loved at all?

I am afraid.

I'm not getting younger and yet I don't feel as if the life I've been living actually matters to anyone.

What is happening to me?

Father God, please just be with me today. Draw me close.
Fight with me as I turn these gloomy thoughts away.
I know in my heart that with You in my life, I should be content.
But there is something that is eating me right now.
I've lost the zeal to serve; lost the courage to smile; lost the fire burning inside.
Just be with me today.
Please.

on suffering

Waiting is painful.
Forgetting is painful.
But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.

-- Again, forgot who actually wrote this. If you know, please tell me :)

on love

Love doesn't ask many questions, because if we stop to think we become fearful. It's an inexplicable fear; it's difficult even to describe it. Maybe it's the fear of being scorned, of not being accepted, or of breaking the spell. It's ridiculous, but that's the way it is. That's why you don't ask - you act.

-- I got this from a book I read last year. I wrote it down on a piece of paper, but I didn't write the title of the book so now, I can't really say who wrote it. I'm guessing probably Paolo Coelho... Don't know.. Maybe from his book "Veronica Decides to Die"

-- If by any chance this looks familiar to you, please let me know who actually wrote it so I can properly give credit! :)

on romance

"Romance can thrill us to our core, but it's only a small part of true love. We've been playing in the sandbox; God wants to take us to the beach."

- Joshua Harris, I Kissed Dating Goodbye

1 day 08:24:19

I don't think I've ever been so addicted with anything in my life.... Until now, that is!

We had a long weekend and guess how I spent it? Glued in front of my laptop. Grrrrr.. Totally messed up my entire three days off doing just one thing -- watching japanese, taiwanese and korean dramas over the internet.

Waaaaaah!!! I really don't know how to stop. Help! Just on Sunday night to Monday night alone, I finished the entire series of "Which star are you from?" That was after I finished "It started with a kiss" on Saturday night... And before I watched a japanese movie...

Waaaaaah!!! And today, here I'm about to go to the office. But guess what time I slept this morning? I slept at 6am! Because.... I watched episodes 1 to 7 of "Hana Kimi - Japan" (Which is so kawaii, by the way! Ahahhaa! I'm learning the language!)

I know, this is just crazy. And I probably need help already.

*sigh*... Look at the duration of my internet connection before I finally shutdown my laptop last Monday night... This is the longest I've ever been logged on -- 1day, 8hrs, 24 mins and 19 secs.

Waaaaaaah!!!!

of ISO, P&S, SLRs and all that photography jargons... Reflection #8, 2008

Last week, I stumbled upon a website created for artists (or those trying and aspiring to be one - that's where i fall in the category of things!)

You know about it already (at least those who've read my blog about trying to be an artist). The thing is I really can't get it out of my mind. So whenever my eyes would fall on a "subject", I get this mental image of how it would have looked like if I had a camera and was able to freeze that moment. I think I told all those who are willing to listen (or those who had no choice but to listen) of my "newly acquired" passion in photography. I so wanted to take this as a new hobby! So I told everyone I knew and it's great to know i have a lot of supportive friends because most of them became as excited as I am! :)

Anyway, so while I'm saving to buy a real camera (now I know they are referred to as SLRs), I'm like a hungry student thirsting for anything related to photography. Thanks to the deviantART website, I came across an article that lists a series of internet links that tells a lot about basic photography.

So for the last two days I've been reading online articles, enough to know the following:
1. P&S or point and shoot is how they referred to the compact digicams that everybody seem to have nowadays
2. SLRs or Single Lens Reflex is what they call the bulky cameras that I refer to as the "real camera")
3. I learned that most of the SLRs doesn't have live-viewing while taking a photo because they have a different mechanism than the P&S ones. But the first digital camera to ever use the LCD in taking a picture is the Olympus E-10 (naks, i sound smart... :p)
4. I finally found out what ISO is for! It's actual word meaning escapes me as I type this blog but so I learned it is actually connected with the light sensitivity. So have you taken those pictures in the dark and of course you use a flash and when you review the image, all you see are your subjects washed in white light and the background is pitch black? Whew! We should have adjusted the ISO then to 400 or whatever is the highest your digicam can get.
5. Did you know that in 2004, Kodak stopped producing film cameras?! (I didn't know!)
6. Photographers would rather refer to pictures as "images" or "photos"

There's just too much to take in! So they have jargons like "noise", "shutter lag", "depth of field", "rules of third"... and who knows all the other jargons I haven't encountered yet!

I just want to share that this is making me really excited. And the best part about all this?

I seem to have the approval from the lover of my soul! So this morning, as I sat waiting for the service to begin, I flipped thru the CCF Chronicle for some announcements and guess what my eyes saw?

The CCF Photography Ministry is offering a
FREE Basic Photoshop Workshop
this Saturday, February 16, from 1:00pm - 6:00pm

Isn't it great how God even uses these things to make you feel you are loved and thought of every single day? There I was, all worked up in this "new interest"... even neglecting my quiet time as I learn more about photography than Him. But there goes my savior, presenting this great opportunity for me.

Now as I reflect more on it... I was supposed to go with Lien Release on their team building this Saturday, but this will be an overnight activity at Blue Coral in Batangas. Which means, if I go then I'll miss the music ministry practice on Saturday night... which then means I will not be able to prompt for the 3pm service on Sunday. I was seriously considering giving up my ministry in order to join the team building.

But God have a different plan for me, He always does, you know? So instead of me missing out on our time together on Sundays, He just led me to this opportunity to learn more on my new interest so I didn't have to go on that overnight trip and miss the practice and the worship service.

So with heavy heart, I'd have to turn down Ms My and Mimi's invitation for me to join their team building. I know it will be fun. It's beach, after all and I'm a beach fanatic too. And I am sure, there are a lot of sights that I could be taking pictures of. And I'd get to know more of the team members from lien release. All of that excitement, in exchange for my once a week date with the lover of my soul.

What wins? Of course, the latter.

I just feel so loved right now.

teenage crush

I am just that right now. A grown-up girl with a teenage crush to a tv star, no less! Talk about pathetic!!!

Since Thursday last week, I've been watching the Korean drama coffee prince online. And I just finished this morning. And I just loved every single minute I spent with my eyes glued to the monitor and my legs unknowlingly aching since I hardly moved them once I sat and start watching.

How many asian drama series I've watched so far? Let me count... Meteor Garden (of course, the catalyst that started it all!), Lovers in Paris, Lovers in Prague, A liter of tears... I'm sure there are still others but somehow, these four and the Coffee Prince are the only ones I'm remembering now.

Common to all these series is the light-headed and happy feeling I'd carry with me for a while after I've watched the complete series. But I think this last one will be extra special. Let me tell you why...

As you know already... since I can't seem to stop talking about it, I was in a relationship before that almost made me crazy when it ended last year but thanks to the lover of my soul, I am slowly picking up the pieces and have been living a great life since then. There. Sorry, I had to mention it again! :P

The thing is a lot of things really changed when that happened. There was a time that my eyes can't produce even a single tear even when I was watching Lovers in Prague (there were a lot of tear-jerker scenes there too). Somehow, it is true that something inside you closes up when something special ends. I was a hopeless romantic before who just loves reading romantic novels, watching love stories, listening to love songs... But for a time I stopped and avoided doing those. Why? Because I just can't seem to stop thinking that those happily ever after love stories should have been mine.

But then two things happened last week that again made a change in my life. One, this coffee prince series and two, the movie 27 dresses. I'll try to talk about that movie later.

I just want to share with all of you that watching the korean tv series made me realize that I am finally over my previous relationship. Before whenever I watch these kinds of movies, count on the fact that memories of myself with my ex would just camp in my mind and I would just envision the two of us together doing the things I'm watching on tv (again, pathetic...) then I would go on and cry on the scenes where the words said were almost the same words I heard from him...

But it was really different this time. I hardly thought of him while watching and yes I'm still imagining myself as the leading lady but the leading man is no longer my ex in my mind. It's just who the actor really is, whose character is really to fall in love for...

So like a teenager, I'm in this state right now where I just think everyone deserves to love and to be loved... Past hurts has taken a back seat and I find myself smiling more lately... Pictures of holding hands makes me sigh with hope, not sigh with longing for someone in particlar... Love songs sound different to my ear... Old photos just make me remember the good old days...

It is so great to be alive. To be free from the past. To record new memories. Document new pictures.

It is just so nice to be in love... with love.