When Reality Kicks In

I wrote an email to my closest friends last July 31, 2007. Not long after I hit the send button, my cell started to ring. It was Ate Grace, one of the friends I made at GCM. She's in Malaysia but she took the time to call, which I did not answer, so rude of me. I just didn't feel like talking after letting this heavy emotion out of my system. But she replied to my email saying she felt the sadness I was feeling with my words...

So I'm sharing it with all of you now...

Hi dear friends,

I just want to share something with all of you today.

I came to the bank to do some transactions and to my dismay I had to wait 45 minutes in line before a teller can assist me. As I was patiently waiting, standing, looking around while listening to my ipod, a realization struck me. And for the first time in so many months, I had to shed a tear for him. 

At the oddest place! Why in a bank? 

So, there I was standing and suddenly a tear came rolling down my cheek. Thank God I was able to stop it and was able to limit it to a single tear - but the irony is, the emotional floodgate suddenly opened and I realized... So much for the bravado of claiming that I am over him. Guess I'm not.

I just remembered, out of nowhere, the conversation we had that one fateful afternoon, while sipping tea at the coffee shop... Suddenly a flash like a movie scene came to my mind...

    "So, sino kasama mo nanood ng Transformer?"  She asked.
    He replied, "Yung teller dun sa bank. I asked her out."

As that moment flashed right before my eyes, it just suddenly hit me... The cruelty of it all. The depth of the wound that I tried so much to heal. The awakening of the sleeping hatred in my heart.

It just hit me - So he is willing to replace me for a teller??? Forgive my arrogance, I have nothing against tellers and I don't mean to degrade them. But I just remembered how his mom mocked my measly salary of xx,000 a month. I just remembered that conversation inside the car...

    His mom asked, "So, how much are you making in a month?"
    I said, "Mga xxK po."
    "Net na ba yan," she asked rather sarcastically.
    I mumbled, "opo."

I just can't believe he'd even consider replacing me for a teller, who's average salary doesn't even reach half of what I'm making... How on earth can he defend that to his mom??? And if he is willing to defend that girl from his mom, why didn't he even waste as much effort defending me?

With these thoughts running in my mind, I bravely tried to put that behind my mind. I'm in a bank, after all. I can't breakdown in front of all these people. So I patiently waited for my turn, did what I had to do and walked out of that bank to the office.

When I sat in front of my computer and signed on to all the system I'll be using for the day, I saw my friend's name. So, she was online and so I sent her a message, and she hurried to my station. And before I could stop myself, I told her what happened at the bank, the things that went through my head and yes... The tears finally fell one by one, I couldn't stop it anymore and I didn't care if agents surround me. I just had to let this emotion pass, hoping that I could accept (finally and truthfully) that things are now different and it shouldn't bother me anymore whatever decision he has in his future. I'm just not in it anymore.

So there goes my story for the day. A little sad. But don't worry, I'm okay now. Just say a little prayer for me. May I know what God wants to teach me with this incident.

"I know, O Lord, that your laws are righteous, and in your faithfulness you have afflicted me." Psalm 119:75