Wistful

It is a gloomy day. As if there is an overcast in my life, I am feeling that something is lacking. It made me go back to this old site. To read past writings, past musings and past foolishness. For the past hour I have cringed, laughed and cried. I miss the old me. The woman whose faith can move mountains. The one who takes time to reflect. The lady who prays.

It has been years. To say that a lot has happened is truly an understatement. I am now married. I am even pregnant! Living in a different country and like billions of other people on earth, totally dependent to my smartphone. I am ashamed to admit that a lot of my time is spent scrolling through that little screen in my hands. And I am even more ashamed to admit that I no longer remember when was the last time I read my bible.

Today, I cried to the Lord. I was listening to the song Praise you in this storm by Casting Crows and the words just seeped through my soul.

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I realized I have been in a storm for a really long time. A typhoon of sorts that ate up my Faith. Not that I have gone full agnostic nor God-forbid an atheist, but I have become a stand-by Christian. It made me sad and longed for the old days when I was an active church member. Oh, I still say my thanks. I still acknowledge that Jesus is my savior. I have just lost that zeal that I used to have. But despite that, God has never left me. I am still blessed beyond what I deserve. He is truly amazing!

My dear Lord Jesus, thank you for not leaving my side. Even during my lukewarmness you have blessed me. You have even granted my wish to get pregnant. I owe everything to you and I am so sorry for my audacity of not spending as much time with you as I used to have. I pray that you will open my heart and my mind that I may go back to my old self who sings songs of praises all day long. You know what is in my heart. You know what is troubling me this day. In my anguish I cried out to you, Lord. And I felt great. I felt your loving embrace. I missed it so much, Lord. Please let this day be the start of my renewed relationship with you. Please always open my eyes and my heart to what is more important. And that is you, Lord. Amen.

Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation And sustain me with a willing spirit.

- Psalm 51:10-12

Back to Blogging?

Years ago I tend to pour my heart's content in a web page. Just like any other individual, I was just too eager to put my thoughts into words and sit back and enjoy looking back and read old posts. Most often than not, I cringe with the words I used, the emotions they evoke and the thoughts that run in my head.

But it has been two or close to three years that I have stopped. Doesn't mean I stopped being emotional. It's just that I stopped to take a time to write.

Now with the impending closure of Multiply (at least the blog part, I guess), I am somewhat forced to go back to blogging. Or am I? It is more like I wanted to at least preserve the long forgotten words I have written and yes, sit back and enjoy (while still cringing) looking back to old posts...

But we'll see. I might just start writing again.

Blogger, will you accept me and my words the same way my dear old multiply site had once?

slept through the storm

Like any other Filipino these days, I have an Ondoy story to tell. But I just couldn't thank God that mine is not the heart-wrenching survivor story. It's just plain and simple: I slept through the storm!
Saturday morning, Cicelle and I left the office at around 7. We were a bunch of BF-less ladies that morning. So after just a few minutes of chatting with officemates, we decided to start walking towards kalayaan where both of us would catch our rides. It was already raining at the time. We were sharing my almost-new umbrella while still chatting about life, love and all that stuff.

It was a sweet travel home that morning. Cold and chilly and traffic-less on a Saturday morning so in thirty minutes I am at the comfort of our home sweet little home in Taguig. Mama's freshly brewed coffee greeted my nostrils. Ahhhh... warm and sweet.

I spent the morning just literally lounging on the sofa chair. With the remote control in my right hand, I am just clicking away, not really looking for a particular show, just wanted to drown in the noise coming out of the TV. Rain started to pour in, but it's been raining the past few weeks anyway. So, what's new?

Mama asked why I'm not sleeping yet and I told her I'd sleep as late as I could so I could wake up on Sunday morning.
So I spent some more of my time playing with my PSP while the rain continued it's fury outside. Our house is starting to suffer with its leaking ceiling drenching some of my stuff in water. Even the kitchen and the bathroom had a taste of the rain water. I was getting irritated with our landlady for not fixing the leaks soon enough so I texted her and demanded that she visit our house right there and then so she could see for herself the extent of the damage.
Eventually my eyes and my will gave up on me and I was asleep before 1pm.

It was warm and toasty in my bed. I turned off the industrial fan and buried myself in the blankets. I was dead to the world. I woke up at around five. It was getting dark. I peeked and saw mama getting dressed. She just took a bath and sensing I was a little awake she told me it's been raining non-stop and that we have no electricity at the time.

I mumbled a few words I, myself can't understand and went back to sleep.

I woke up again a couple of hours later and grabbed a bite. Mama said she couldn't buy any decent food because most of the stores have closed because of the rain. I said I'd be fine with bread and went back to sleep.
True enough the next time I woke up it was already Sunday morning.

There is still no electricity. I was hungry. And there is no food.The sun was up but the world is quiet. It felt eerie.

Mama said the rain was raging the entire day and night on Saturday. I checked my phone and saw a lot of text messages from concerned friends asking how are we. It began to dawn on me then that this wasn't much of a regular typhoon.
I texted my brother and told him we didn't have anything to eat that morning. He arrived an hour later with what he calls relief goods. I learned he spent the night in his office because he couldn't go home because of the flood. The KFC chicken he brought that morning was a treat from his company. Yey! He asked mama and I to have lunch at his house that Sunday. He said he'll cook. My brother is a good cook so I told him okay.
Mama and I went out and checked the streets. There were myriads of people walking, non-existing jeepneys and tons of tricycle. It was chaotic. We walked some more and saw the general hospital flooded, the Taguig City hall flooded, and just ten steps from our house, water is rising too.
When we had lunch over at Kuya's, Mama, I and my kid brother had to wade through thigh-deep rain water before we reached his house. But thank God his house was spared from the flood but if you just step out from his door, there is water too. I've never seen so many flood in my life.
We spent Sunday lazily (and still with no electricity) at my Kuya's home. We had a feast with his sinigang. I was busy playing with my super cute nephew. When he slept, I slept too. Then it started to get dark so we decided to go home. We asked Kuya and Karen to just sleep over at our house. Since there was still no electricity, it's better if we all spend the night together. By this time my phone died on me. Empty batt. I was missing my gadgets. I had a mission still to be completed in my PSP game. The lack of electricity is getting its toll on me.
By 7pm, while my nephew is getting irritated and while my brother is coming to terms with the fact that he might have to spend the night fanning his son, the light came back. Weeeee! I raced upstairs and plugged both my phone and my PSP. So in case Meralco decides to cut us off again, I'd be equipped.
Text poured in. Got a call from Mac saying Dave just initiated a call tree. I started to get in touch with my officemates and then reality sank in.
While I was sleeping through the storm, while I was missing my PSP, while I was enjoying a lazy Sunday with my family... the rest of Metro Manila was suffering from the effects of Ondoy. I learned that my officemate in Marikina had lost their first floor to the flood. Another still in Marikina lost their entire house.
It was buffling. And humbling. I'd never imagine we could come close to a calamity such as this. We see news like this all over the world, all the time. But to see it so close to home, to learn people you know, your relatives to experience the storm's fury makes me feel so human. So unpredictable. So vulnerable.
... And so thankful.
I heard mama thanking God for sparing us from the flood. She said God knows she can't clean the house if we were flooded because of her health condition. What a wise God we have, she said.
... And I couldn't agree more.

...next time, it could be you. :-)

I'll keep this blog short and sweet. I just want to say...

Last Sunday, I went to church with my two buddies from high school. Yes, the same girls I laughed with, fooled around with, cried with, insulted other people with...

Who would have thought one day, I'll be worshiping with these two ladies. That thought was just that - a thought years ago. A prayer I have once or twice uttered. And what do you know, it just happened.

And I just realized it feels so great to be worshiping with the people you care about. A few months back, it was my mom... now my friends... I guess next time... could be you. :-)

An answered prayer. Eight years in the making.

"Ako na lang mag-isa pupunta sa CCF."

These are the sweetest words I heard from my mom. Ever.

I have been praying that God touches the heart of my dearest mother and have her on my side whenever I go to worship. I'd say I've been praying for about eight years or so for that to happen (ever since I became a Christian) and what do you know? God answers prayers in His own magnificent time.

Today I was seriously planning on ditching attending Sunday service at church (Yeah, what a nerve I have to do that, despite of all the blessings I have been getting everyday - seeing my mom alive still at the top of my list). I was about to fore go attending church to what? Attend a kiddie birthday party at Jollibee! Sometimes I could be really dumb, you know?

Early morning mama already asked me if we're going to church today. I told her I might not because of the party. And without the slightest bit of hesitation, she immediately said...

"Ako na lang mag isa pupunta sa CCF."
That was the first time she ever volunteered to attend a Sunday service at CCF. Alone. My insides are screaming with excitement at the fact that she said that. My Mom. Wants to go to CCF. On her own. I couldn't be happier today and nothing can ever spoil my mood. Of course mama has been coming to CCF since the first Sunday she was out of the hospital two months ago. But today I consider this the official answer to my prayer since she voluntarily said she wanted to attend, even if that means she is going alone.

My initial plan was to attend an earlier service (12pm) so I could go to The Fort for the birthday. But since it's a lazy, chilly Sunday, I slept the morning away and woke up at 1:30pm. Which is right about the time that the 12pm service ends. So as I ate my brunch, my mom is already getting ready for church. I was debating with myself if I should still go ahead and attend the party of the service. At 2:30pm, mama and I left the house. My plan now is to go with her all the way to Megamall and wait for my BFF there so we could go to the party together.

But the Lord has other plans...

Thank God for the bad weather, the horrid traffic, the scarcity of cabs in the metro whenever it rains and for my BFF eventually turning down the invite.

In short, I end up worshipping with my mom.

And I have to say, that has to be one of the greatest worships I ever had.

I couldn't stop the tears from falling when the response song is being sang. I could just feel being overwhelmingly blessed. Seeing my mom at my side, strong and alive singing for God... took my breath away and I was silently in awe, thanking God amidst my tears.
Truly, He answers prayers in His own time.

It doesn't matter that I had to wait for eight years to see it happen. In God's perfect timing, it will happen.

So the next time I pray for you, the next time I ask God that you come to church with me. Stop resisting. Because He will touch your heart. I will see you in church. It will happen. So you might as well go now and save yourself the misery. :-)
Oh, if you are wondering how is my mom doing... She's okay. She's constantly tired. Walks a little slower than usual. Breaths heavily after she goes up the stairs. She takes three medicines a day. She needs her BP taken at least once a day. And yes, her aorta, though "sealed shut by her own blood" is still at risk of being slit open again. Doctors said she has to be extra careful now...

Other than that, she wakes up every morning, I see her reading her bible at night, I see her smile with blissful glee when she plays with my nephew. She hugs me every chance she got. She goes out of the house to buy me some food when I'm hungry. She still watches her favorite asian telenovelas... And most of all... in two days, she is celebrating her 62nd birthday.

Whenever my memory will go visit that fateful Saturday afternoon in April when the doctors are telling me the darkest news of my entire life... I can't stop praising God for His magnificence. After that afternoon, who would have thought I'd be writing this?

For He wounds, but He also binds up;
He injures, but His hands also heal.
- Job 5:18

Rain does stop...

Rain does stop, darkness eventually come into light
Yes, after all that, in front of my eyes is a brand new sight
And I am thanking God for giving you to me
Now I can say I am really finally happy :-)

My heart took a lot of beating
And then you came and did some fixing
Dearest, with your tenderness I am healed
Engulfed in your arms, I am now sealed
Rain does stop, I can attest to that
Almighty God, thank you for that fact! 

yooji :-)

I was captured the moment we met
Carried away with every word you said
It’s a mystery how you got to me
I fell in the spell of your charms
With your siren’s smile you caught me off guard

Just one glance took away my breath
Then you drew me in with your tenderness
You captivate my soul, I’m enraptured
You knocked me out and you locked me up
Stole my heart like a thief at love
Keep me here in your happy ever after
I’m captured

By the way just in case you care
I’m here to stay, I’m not going anywhere
I took a dive in your deep dark eyes
And I’m never coming up for air
I lost myself in this bond that we share

One sweet kiss took away my breath
Then you drew me in with your tenderness
You captivate my soul, I’m enraptured
You knocked me out and you locked me up
Stole my heart like a thief at love
Hold me tight in your happy ever after

Now you’ve got the best of me
No one else could hold the key
I’m captured

Just one touch took away my breath
When you drew me in I could not resist
You captivate my soul, I’m enraptured
You knocked me out and you locked me up
Stole my heart like a thief at love
Keep me here in your happy ever after
I’m captured

missing life...

I can't believe another work week has passed. How time flies..
In 5 months I'll be celebrating my 4 years with Chase.
In 6 weeks I'll be celebrating my one year with RFS IT.
In 28 days I'll be moving to another office location (Hello Net Plaza!)
In 2-3 days, I'll cease to be a homeless person and move to our new apartment.
In 1 week, I'll be remembering the day I almost lost my mom two months back.
In 1 month, 2009 will be halfway done.
So how have I been? It's a little quiet in the horizon and I guess my thoughts wanted to be heard and so here I am writing again...
Somehow I am filled with melancholic air today. I am missing a lot of things! Can I just rant and rant and rant...
1. I miss shopping.
2. I miss going to the movies.
3. I miss dressing up and dining out. (Yup, yun parang date lang! hehehe)
4. I miss going to the spa.
5. I miss having my nails done.
6. I MISS HAVING MY HAIR DONE! (Huhuhu, tagal ko ng bad hair day!)
7. I miss eating bulalo at Leslie's Tagaytay (Tara na Mimi at Becha...)
8. I miss my dad's callos.
9. I miss my mom's siomai.
10. I miss my brother's cooking.
11. I miss the beach.
12. I miss reading a good book.
13. I miss going to Coco with HR.
14. I miss Lindt's hazelnut chocolate.
15. I miss my PSP (Kuya, kelan mo sosoli sakin yan?! hehehe)
16. I miss waking up and not worrying about bills.
17. I miss drinking kurrant. :P
18. I miss the airport crowd (which means I miss flying! Hehehe)
19. I miss Candy
20. I miss listening to Pachelbel's Canon
21. I miss watching a japanese soap.
22. I miss Grey's anatomy.
23. I miss being legal.
24. I miss pistachio ice cream.
25. I miss my designer bags.
But the truth of the matter is... something big is missing. I know exactly what it is but I've been turning a blind eye towards it and it's just now that I am bravely accepting the fact that...
What I really miss is...
I miss going to choir and prompting practices in CCF! I miss my quiet time. I miss my sisters. I miss my church. I miss my God. Period.
But there goes in someone's life that because of circumstances, you choose to just isolate yourself from things and because of the length of absence, somehow you wake up one morning and realize you've detached yourself too deep and now find it hard to go back to your previous activities that not too long ago were regularly in your calendar.
So, tell me how do I go back?