Q1 2009 in review

Time check... (or day check) It's May 22 and I've been to how many places and gimiks this year? or rather... how many out of town plans have I rejected? Huhuhu... It's just the first quarter of the year and yet I've turned down so many invitations! As I write, the entire HR team, Ms My and Francis and even Daddy Rafael is relaxing in Cebu! I should have been there too! Yesterday, instead of enjoying an overnight stay at Hacienda de Tolentino in Arayat, Pampanga I had to push myself to the limit and just have a "day tour" instead of overnight so I can be at prompting practice in CCF. Next week, my favorite travel buddies from RFS IT are going on a hike to Mt Pinatubo. Waaaaaa! I. Am. Jealous. Beyond words. :(

There was the Anawangin trip last Feb 14 that I was not able to join to, the Baguio trip I turned down last weekend, the Potipot trip with Mimi and her kids, the Coron plans with Ms My in May... the list seem to go on! List of places I missed and I will miss this year!

Waaaaaaa! I have to admit, I really am a bit sad that I was not able to be part of all these. However, as what I told Ms My earlier at ym, this is a year of humility and discipline to me in terms of my finances. Hayyyy, being disciplined is never easy. But we need that once in a while so we can grow in character.

Actually, the real reason why I am turning down all these, aside from the very obvious reason that I really need to cut down on my expenses is because I am hindering myself from missing out on ministry and my sunday dates with the lover of my soul. Missing the sunday service is now totally out of the question. I guess I was really convicted when we discussed the sabbath in one of our FMM dgroup devotions.

So at the end of the day, I guess after being hit with the initial jealousy attacks that I was not able to be part of a gimik, it is okay. I have my goal to focus on: to grow more in my christian walk. I know some of my friends does not understand this. They just can't figure out why I can't take a rest from ministry and join them. I don't blame them since last year I said yes to wherever they ask me to go to. I wasn't attending ministry at the time, I was okay not attending even the sunday services and I wasn't doing my quiet time.

And look at where it lead me to. I just inflicted hurt upon myself. I was lead to believe lies and even committed sins. It never fails. When I am out of touch with the lover of my soul, I am a disaster waiting to happen. If I could change anything at all in 2008, that was to never miss ministry, never miss on dgroup, never miss on sunday services and most of all, never miss on praying unceasingly.

I just thank the Lord on how faithful He is. He picked me up (again) in the deep pit I was into. Though I have my future before me which is tainted with the stigma of sin and laden with more promises of discipline for my previous wrong doings, I am ready. Even if that would mean less travels for me, less photo-ops, less gimiks... I am ready.

In the recent weeks that I have been studying the bible seriously, I am reminded of my purpose here on earth. It's not about me. It's about Him. I am created for His purpose. My life he owns and so I submit.

Living in this world, that is never easy. I've heard the comments of some of my friends on my firm decision of "absolutely no gimiks in weekends." They've made a big joke out of it too and I think in their minds, I am turning out to be a freak... a Jesus freak. But who cares? I wish they'd just try to meet and get to know the lover of my soul and they'd understand. :)

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire beside you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
- Psalm 73:25-26

into the Potter's Hand

* shared by Rei via sametime and email :)

A Little Teacup Story

A couple vacationing in Europe went strolling down a little street and saw a quaint little gift shop with a beautiful teacup in the window. The lady collected teacups and she wanted this one for her collection, so she went inside to buy the teacup, and as the story goes the teacup spoke and said:

"I want you to know that I have not always looked like this. It took the process of pain to bring me to this point. You see, there was a time when I was just clay and the Master came and he pounded me and he squeezed me and he kneaded me and I screamed: "STOP THAT!". But he just smiled and said, "Not yet."

Then he took me and put me on the shelf and I went round and round and round and round... and while I was spinning and getting dizzier and dizzier I screamed again and I said, "Please get me off this thing... please get me off!!!" And the Master was looking at me and he was smiling, as he said, "Not yet."

Then he took me and walked toward the oven and shut the door and turned up the heat and I could see him through the window of the oven and it was getting hotter and hotter and I thought, "He's going to burn me to death!"

And I started pounding on the inside of the oven and I said, "Master, let me out, let me out, let me out!" and I could see that he was smiling as he said "Not yet." Then he opened the door and I was fresh and free and he took me out of the oven and he put me on the table and then he got some paint and a paintbrush.

He started dabbing me and making swirls all over me and I started to gag and I said: "Master, stop it... stop it... stop it please... you're making me gag". He just smiled as he said "not yet."

Then very gently he picked me up again and he started walking toward the oven and I said, "Master, NO!! Not again, pleeeease!!" He opened the oven door and he slipped me inside and he shut the door and this time he turned the heat up twice as hot as before and I thought, "He's going to kill me!!", and I looked through the window of the oven and I started to pound on it, saying, "Master... Master, please let me out... please let me out... let me out!"

I could see that he was smiling but I also noticed a tear trickle down his cheek as I watched him mouth the words, "Not yet!"

Just as I thought I was about to die, the door opened and he reached in ever so gently and took me out, fresh and free and he went and placed me on a high shelf and he said: "There, I have created what I intended. Would you like to see yourself?" I said, "Yes." He handed me a mirror and I looked and I looked again and I said, "That's not me, I'm just a lump of clay."

He said, "Yes, that IS you, but it took the process of pain to bring you to this place. You see, had I not worked you when you were clay, then you would have dried up.

If I had not subjected you to the stress of the wheel you would have crumbled. If I had not put you into the heat of the oven you would have cracked. If I had not painted you there would be no color in your life. But, it was the second oven that gave you the strength to endure. Now you are everything I intended you to be - from the beginning." And I, the teacup, heard myself saying something I never thought I would hear myself saying, "Master, forgive me, I did not trust you. I thought you were going to harm me, I did not know you had a glorious future and a hope for me. I was too shortsighted, but I want to thank you.

I want to thank you for the suffering. I want to thank you for the process of pain. Here I am! I give you myself - fill me; pour from me, use me as you see fit. I really want to be a vessel that brings you glory within my life."

Yet, O Lord, You are our Father; we are the clay,
and You our Potter, and we all are the work of Your hand.
- Isaiah 64:8

on Faith... Prayer # 7, 2009

Do you know that when you have concerns and issues battling in your mind and you seriously seek the Lord and cast all your cares upon Him, He does answer and does it consistently?

One of the things that is constantly in my mind lately is how do I move on from my recent heartache. How? Just that. I am already resigned with the idea that the Lord has just used that person to continuously mold me into His likeness. I'm past the denial stage, the bitter stage and is now truly in the acceptance stage. Next is Letting go stage. So in my quiet times I just ask God "Okay, how do I let go now? What do I need to do next?"

In my encounters with the Lord through the church messages, dgroup sessions and other readings, I see a consistency in the messages that is being drilled in my head.

CCF has started just recently finished on the series of Ephesians and for the past two Sundays have embarked on studying the book of Habakkuk. Our messages have been entitled "Honest Faith", "Expectant Faith". Point to remember: Faith is total dependence on God for salvation and survival.

Then during our Dgroup with Ate Rona last Friday, I learned that the second book of James is also centered on discussing Faith and remember that healthy debate we've had on the formula of Salvation. Also about Faith. Lessons learned from this session, click here!
This afternoon, Rei shared a very inspiring story to me about a teacup. Read here. It shows the story of a teacup questioning and complaining to his potter, only to find out later on that the processes it had to go through are necessary to make it into a teacup. Lesson: Have faith that your maker knows exactly what He is doing.

At 6:30 this evening, I attended another dgroup. I've been asked to join the BS Bank dgroup of Alvin and First and other bank employees within the makati business district. The invitation has been long given but it was just today that I was actually able to attend. What do you know? They are doing a series on James too. And yes, it was about Faith as well. Main take away: God is in control and is never late with His rewards.

I remember a sametime conversation I had with Ms My. One time she consulted me on some issues she had and I answered her based on what I know of the word. She told me that Ate Divine, her housemate who is also attending CCF, said the same thing I did. Then we both realize, God is very consistent in His teachings. He will never contradict Himself.

A topic on Faith will not be complete without its sister words such as Trust and Patience.
So today I am just very thankful that the lover of my soul is consistently telling me to just cast all my cares on Him and keep on, be patient and hold on to my Faith and just trust Him completely.

So about that concern I have? It's all yours, Lord! I know in Your perfect timing, You will just take away the pain. In fact, I'm feeling that it's being lifted already. I've already noticed changes in me with regard to this concern. I am so excited and looking forward to the day that it will just fade away into a mere memory.

As I go to sleep today, this is my prayer: (Again taken from Stormie Omartian's Power of a Praying Woman)

Lord, increase my faith. Teach me how to "walk by faith, not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:7). Give me strength to stand strong on Your promises and believe Your every word...
Make my faith increase every time I hear or read Your Word. Help me to believe for Your promises to be fulfilled in me...

I know "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen"
(Hebrews 11:1). I know I have been "saved through faith," and it is a gift from You
(Ephesians 2:8). Increase my faith so that I can pray in power...

Help me to take the "shield of faith" to "quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one" (Ephesians 6:16). Help me "to ask in faith, with no doubting."
Increase my faith daily so that I can move mountains in Your name.
Amen.

If you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain,
"Move from here to there," and it will move;
and nothing will be impossible for you.
- Matthew 17:20

When reason ends, Faith begins

I attended my first official dgroup tonight. (Last week was a celebration, this week we were down to business of studying THE book). At a few minutes after 6pm I was already on my way to the elevator and was really excited to catch a bus going to CCF. (Yes, I am on high again in wanting to get to know the lover of my soul more--just wish it stays that way forever!!!) By 7pm I was already walking towards Megamall Bldg B. I thought to drop by the supermarket first to grab a bag of chips to share to the group and get a dinner for myself. I left Megamall with Jamaican Pattie, two bags of chips, a juice drink and my all time favorite mints: Mentos. :)

So armed with food, my bible clasp in my arms, my joyous spirit and teachable heart, I walked towards St. Francis Square ready to dig deep into the word and take away wisdom. Ate Rona texted this morning that we are studying James. (Actually they have been studying James, it seems, I just found out that morning what it was.. Hehehe.. Ate Rona included me again in her regular text blast since I told her I am definitely coming this Friday)

When I entered our usual room at the third floor, just a handful of girls were there. Some are running late. I arrived just in time to eat my dinner and catch up with the latest news on each other. A few minutes later, we started. Then the fun began. :)

I just want to share that I learned a lot on my first session with my dgroup this year. I am so glad I am in this particular Firday night discussion. I just can't go to sleep without documenting the highlights of this night:

- We were reading James 2:1-13. A topic on favoritism. But on a broader light, it is about Faith

- Then we launched into a little debate about the formula on salvation. Our church firmly believes that Faith + Nothing = Salvation. But the formula does not end there. As a by product of being saved, you are expected to do good works. But doing good works alone will not save you. Check on this verse:

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves,
it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.
- Ephesians 2:8-9

Being a christian for almost eight years, I've never doubted that there is only one way in getting into heaven - through the lover of my soul: Jesus Christ. Once you have fully accepted the fact that we are all sinners but are washed clean by the blood of Our Lord, we are saved. Simple? No. It does not end there. Living a life of a christian is not hard. It is impossible. Man's human nature is to be tempted and to fall into sin. It is by God's grace alone that we are saved. And once we have fully and completely committed our lives to Christ, it is then that we are expected to start living according to His words. This is where doing good works come in.

This does not follow that as long as you say you believe and accepted Christ as your savior but refuse to do good works you are saved anyway. It simply does not follow that a true repentant born again will not do good works because if you truly surrender your life to Him, you will be overcome with so much love that you have no choice but to simply give it away.

What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds?
Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,"
but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?
In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
-James 2:14-17

- One of our sisters raised a concern on that, she still can't accept the fact that Salvation = Faith + Nothing. In her eyes, it will always be Salvation = Faith + Good works. We put in some time discussing on this. Everyone threw in their views, beliefs accompanied by bible verses. But in the end, we can't convince her. Though we were a little worried on this, I simply admired how she defended what she believes. Made me check myself if I was the one being challenged with my Faith, will I respond with the same conviction that she did?

- That made way for more challenging questions and discussions. And I am so blessed to hear my sisters throw an explanation back and forth. At first I was silent as I listened and wrote down notes (yes, I was recording most of what they were saying, I wanted to remember all of it!) then towards the end, I heard myself defending my Faith too.

- One of the questions that arise is... "What about the case of a Robin Hood? Meaning what if one person is super generous to everyone else like Robin Hood, he steals from the wealthy but gives it all away?" Answer: Our sovereign King is Holy and will never put Himself down to a lower standard. The end does not justify the means.

For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it. For he who said, "Do not commit adultery," also said,
"Do not murder." If you do not commit adultery but do commit murder,
you have become a lawbreaker.
-James 2:10-11

It was definitely a long and healthy discussion and I wish I could really write everything here but this blog is long enough. :) The night ended with me having the fire burning again. I'd like to compare what I felt to a newly born vampire - with unquenchable thirst for more knowledge about the lover of my soul.

This also left me with a great realization that truly, Faith begins where reason ends. I remember back in college a philosopher by the name of Sigmund Freud argued that the existence of God is just a creation of a man's mind driven by his psychological and emotional needs and wants. Someone very famous and influential today is saying the same thing. Have you heard of Oprah? She said, (I watched it in youtube) that man created god. I respect that everyone has their own minds and some smarter than others. I'd say most of the atheist that walks on this earth are probably geniuses who just have the answer to everything.

I thank God for giving me the mind that I have, I thank God that I am not intellectual enough to even question His very existence. I am just content as I am, with the knowledge that I have a loving savior who has saved me from eternal death.

Faith is to believe in something that we don't see.
And the reward for that Faith is to something that we believe.

** If you have questions that arise from reading this blog, you can ask me and I'll try to answer you with the limited knowledge that I have. I am still learning everyday. But you can start here, please go and visit this site  or join us every Sunday at St. Francis Square in Ortigas.

Yamete Kudasai... Prayer # 6, 2009

You know what is the hardest thing in moving on and letting go after a rejection?

No matter how much you try to really let go and start a new life, you can't seem to do so.

1. Either it's because there is a constant reminder right in front of your face

2. or you have people around you who constantly remind you of it and even makes a joke about it as if every word that comes out of their mouth is not equivalent to millions of tiny needles piercing your already bleeding heart all at the same time.

Or both.

Every single freaking day.

How sad isn't it that the most painful experience to ones life is a load of joking matter to another. People tell me to talk about it, joke about it so it will go away quickly. Been there, done that. Everyone knows already what happened and everybody has made a big joke out of it. Someone has even coined a term about my situation - "Jeliene Syndrome." Oh yes, it is funny alright. I am laughing, okay. I can't help giggling, fine! But has it really helped me? Have you bothered to ask? Do you think after all the laughter has subsided and I am back alone in my room, am I still okay?

No.

In solitude I am reminded that everyone knows what a stupid person I've been. My careless comments and impulsive decisions is just a laughing matter to the world. I've been reduced to a mere mockery of myself. My ineptitude in refusing to be used over and over is being drilled to my brain cells when I am alone with my thinking mind.

So tell me, how do you pick yourself up from all that when everyday you are dragged down again and again... when you are reminded of how foolishly you've trusted someone so easily. Only I knows the entire story. It is just me who knows that there is still a deep wound that refuses to close, a torrent of tears ready to fall down from my eyes and a number of memories that constantly replays itself in my mind.

But I guess I am still smart enough to know that all these suffering and torment and torture are all in my head. My mind is the battlefield. I am smart enough to be aware of that. But I am such a simpleton that until now I haven't waged war with my own mind.

But I am getting there. I refuse to be left alone dealing with this excruciating pain. So for once and for all, for the last time, let me address this.

My friends, help me on this. Stop teasing me. Stop asking me as if we are together because we are so not! Never had been, never will. I am so not hoping anymore so stop hoping for us. Stop reminding me how dumb I've been. Yes, I admit I fell for the guy and for a while I thought it was leading somewhere. But it did not. Okay, do you get it now? So, stop asking questions. Stop assuming something is still going on. Because there is just none. And I doubt there will be.

I am trying to heal a wounded ego, a crushed heart and a broken spirit.

So stop adding salt to injury with your knowing glances, snide remarks and point-blank-questions.

Let me move along with the little dignity I still have left.

Heavenly Father, you know these thoughts have been in my mind for a while. I am not sure if writing it down and letting the world know will do me any good. Oh well, everyone seem to know what is happening anyway, I might as well address it and get it over with. I just hope and pray that whoever reads this will stop reminding me of how stupid I have been. I want to finally leave all that behind me. I know Lord with your help I can do anything. But sometimes I am losing a bit of my trust. Please don't allow me to entertain more of these thoughts. Please help me control the workings of my mind. When it starts to feed on more memories, please wake me up and make me realize that You are more than enough for me and no amount of past memories should make my faith in You loosen up.

You alone knows the extent of this concern. You alone knows how I've cried over this. You alone knows how I've battled within. I know Father you are working on this with me. May I always put my trust in You and may I always remember that You are the sovereign king and You know what you are doing. Instead of dwelling on the past, please help me make use of my time on other things that will give glory and honor to You.

You know how many times I've prayed about it and still I am praying again about this. Lord, I just want to finally be set free from this. If there is still anything that I haven't learned that I should be learning from this experience, please open my eyes that I may realize that immediately so I can finally put this behind me. I leave everything in your hands, Lord.

Amen.

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God,
that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him,
for He cares for you.
- 1 Peter 5:6-7

Counting My Blessings, Prayer # 5, 2009

After twelve roses, five cakes, one big giant cookie, eleven birthday cards/notes, seven times of unwrapping of gifts, more than thirty text messages, around forty facebook greetings and lots and lots of captured moments with all my friends, I think it's time to end my birthday celebration series. :)

As I said, the reason why I love my birthday is because yearly it reminds me that my God the Father decided I am important enough to be created. And also because during this time you'd find out who treasures you and takes the time to send that birthday greeting through email, text, ym, facebook and yes friendster too.

Just flip through the nine albums on my birthday and the blessings I enumerated above... and you'd realize... I am so abundantly blessed!

One colleague pointed out that I have such a great network of friends to celebrate this long. I've never thought of my friends as such - "a network" and his comment did make me see that I know so many people and that kind of made me realize that how I am with the people around me is such a huge responsibility. What I say and do may affect them and looking at it that way scares me a little. I am the most transparent person I know. I wear my heart on my sleeves and I blurt out things easily. When I am irritated or angry or hurt, the person beside me will hear my litany of rants and when I am exceedingly happy, the person beside me will get tired hearing me rave. When I frown, I might pass on the negative aura to whoever I met and when I smile, I just hope I can influence others on that too.

These things made me get my favorite book on prayers - The Power of a Praying Woman by Stormie Omartian and made me scan through the topics to look for the right words to pray about what I am thinking and I found chapter twenty five where it says "Lord, use me to touch the lives of others."

So this is my prayer for today:

Lord, thank you so much for blessing me this much. Until now I can't contain my joy from the many friends who took time to celebrate with me for my birthday. Thank you Lord for the network of friends you have provided me. I just realized how big my responsibility is to conduct myself properly to bring honor to you and not to shame your name. Help me to see things that will hinder myself from giving glory to you in all my interactions with the people around me. Give me wisdom and guidance to live according to your ways. May the people I have offended before learn to forgive me and may you open my eyes that I may see where I am lacking and that I may see if I hurt someone. Continue to shine through me, my Lord. Equip me with your light that when people see something good in me, they will see you and when they will see something that will shame your name, may they rebuke me that I may be able to straighten my ways.

It has been a great journey of twenty eight years, including the eight years that I have known you truly. Father God, you've seen me at my worst and have guided me through my best times. I have been stubborn in some areas of my life but you have always been  so faithful and patient in taking care of me. Thank you Lord for all the blessings you have given me, for all the pain I inflicted upon myself whenever I will go out of your way, for all the tears I have cried these past eight years. All those I know is part of your plan to mold me in your likeness.

Last Thursday, Pao texted me asking how she can pray for me for my birthday. I replied to her and said "Please pray for my GB." Her reply will forever be engraved in my mind as she said "Maging GB ka muna..." Yes, Lord thank you for opening my eyes through Pao that before I can ask for that someone you have in mind for me, that God's Best... I myself have to work on being the best for that someone. Thank you Father God for the valuable lessons I learned towards the fourth quarter of last year. I just pray that I will not forget those and please continue healing me from the scar of that very painful experience.

Lord, as I end the celebration of my birthday series, I submit to you the remainder of my life. Use it as you please, to give you honor and glory and I say the same prayer from the book:

"Lord, show me what You want me to do today to be a blessing to others aound me. Specifically, show me how I can serve my family, my frends, my church and the people whom You put in my life. I don't want to get so wrapped up in my own life that I don't see the opportunity for ministering Your life to others. Show me what You want me to do and enable me to do it. Give me all I need to minister life, hope, help and healing to others. Make me to be one of Your faithful intercessors, and teach me how to pray in power. Help me to make a big difference in the world because You are working through me to touch the lives of others for Your glory."

Amen.

"Let no one seek his own, but each one the other's well-being."
- 1 Corinthians 10:24

25 Random Things About Me :D

Copying from Facebook... I was tagged by Jinky and I have to say, I had fun writing it. Hehehe... Go try it yourself! I'm not tagging any one here. Hahaha

This is simple, go back to your memory bank and think of 25 random things that not much people know about you - Any facts, habits and goals... Then write them down!!!

1. I am a Papa's girl. :) I adored my father as a child and would always always get what I want. Once just out of nowhere I put on a tantrum and demanded from my dad that I wanted a new set of clothes. And just after pouting my lips and not answering to anybody who talks to me, we went out and he bought me a blouse and a skirt. I can still remember what it was, It's a really short black and white checkered skirt and a matching blouse.

2. My favorite book from the bible is Job. Aside from the fact that it tells the story of Job's faithfulness and the Lord's magnificence, I love it because I first heard that story from my dad. I remember being sick at the time and suddenly he called me and asked me to sit at his side on the bed and he opened his bible, read the first few chapters of the book, closed his bible and told me the rest of the story.

3. I was a very timid child. When me and my family would go out and attend parties (I remember going to a lot when I was a kid!) I would always hide at the back of my mom and just put up a shy smile whenever people would talk to me. I was even afraid of talking to people other than my family and friends. Once my dad asked me to call one of his friends on the phone, I didn't want to do it so I just cried. Hehe

4. When I was a kid, I can't go to sleep without my favortite blanket... Haha.. It was a green and dirty looking floral sheet that has a cigarette burn at one of its corners. It was my favorite sheet because I loved playing with that area - yeah, the burnt corner. I was a weird child, I know.

5. For some freaking reason, I adored Janice de Belen when I was a kid. I don't know!!! But I know I remember I liked her and I put up a fight when my mom decided to remove the worn out janice de belen poster from the wall. Hahaha.. Weird child nga!

6. My fondest memory of two of my brothers is when one afternoon we were out playing at the garage and out of sheer boredom one of my brothers decided to make it a little more fun by lighting their paper airplanes on fire so they could pretend there's an airplane crash... And they did, so while I was quietly and happily playing with my barbie dolls, their crashing paper planes went straight to my hair and so I end up shrieking and jumping while the two of them are having too much fun watching me.

7. My favorite occasion is my own birthday. Hahaha... I love reminding people I exist by telling everyone it's almost my birthday a few days before the big day. Aside from last year's one week celebration of my 27th birthday, my all-time favorite birthday was when I was in my junior year in highschool. I was running for a student council position at the time (grade 9 representative) so I was at the peak of my self-confidence and my social skills were at its finest. A week from the big day, I started telling everyone I would meet in the hallways: "Hi! It's my birthday on Friday!" And guess what... at the day itself, when I arrived at the school quadrangle for the flag ceremony, some of my friends where holding up a banner that says "Happy Birthday Jeliene!" And when we went up to our classroom after the flag ceremony, my little table was filled with little gifts and notes from my classmates. Weeeeee! I love that memory. I love getting notes and little things. I love surprises!

8. My favorite christmas song is Mariah Carey's version of Joy to the world.

9. My super dream job is to be the speech writer of the president :)

10. My ultimate fantasy is to star in my own musical. Yup, parang Lea Salonga lang! Fantasy nga eh, meaning, Will-not-happen! hehehe) I adore her dearly and I feel so lucky having watched her live in three of her plays (Miss Saigon, Baby the Musical, Cinderella) and two of her concerts (one is a benefit concert that I forgot already what it's called and the other one is the Broadway Concert). I also loved watching the 10th Anniversay concert of Les Miserables in Laser. (Hai hai, I watched that in that big laser disk at least a decade ago... hehehe) 

11. I survived more that a year without eating rice last 2007 and some of 2008. Yeah, a desperate attempt to lose weight but it sure worked! hehehe! I'm eating rice again now. ANd yes, it's B1's fault and the rest of the caramoan guys for making me eat rice with the sardines... Awww sarap!

12. I was a book worm in highschool. I can waste an entire day reading romance novels! I can forego eating just so I can finish the book. Once I read a book on a school night and did not sleep a wink because I can't put the book down. So I went to school without taking a bath because I was not able to go to sleep.

13. I love my highschool barkada more than any other friends I have because they know me best. They've seen me cry, heard me complain, watched me make a fool of myself and yet, they are still there any time I need them.

14. When I was a kid, my favorite snack was a Hansel mocha sandwich! As in there was a period in my life that it's the only biscuit I would buy from the sari-sari store. Then one day, I decided I wanted something else. However, when I said "Pabili..." the vendor immediately took one Hansel from their stock and handed it to me. So, not wanting to embarrass her, I took and paid for it even if by that time, I was already fed up with the mocha flavor. After that, I stopped buying from that sari sari store.

15. I consider myself the princess in the family. Having four brothers, I always get what I want. (*evil laugh*) I can ask them to do anything for me -- including buying sanitary napkins during my period... Hahaha.. I love my brothers! :D

16. My favorite drink is water. I can last a lifetime without a juice, a soda, a coffee, etc.

17. I love McDonald's over Jollibee because of three reasons: Nuggets, cheeseburger and fries

18. I don't have finger prints... Hahaha.. I can probably kill someone and get away with it because I don't have finger prints... (This is due to a skin condition that I already forgot what it's called... but the thing is if it's super cold or it's super hot, my hand itches like crazy so I end up scratching them and since we have the extreme weather in the Philippines where it gets really hot in summer and cold in the "ber" months, there is just no time for complete healing for my hands so my finger prints did not resurface. Hahaha.

19. Because of #18, until now I don't have my SSS ID yet. Of course, I applied for it years ago. I went to the SSS office, filled out some forms, fell in line, had my picture taken... but when it was time for the computerized finger print, the computer just did not recognize any thumb marks! The person assisting me said I better have my hands cured first before I get my ID or get a certification from a doctor that my hands will always be like that. Huhuhu... Out of embarrassment, I stayed away from any SSS offices.

20. I wasn't ready to enter college when I entered college. Hahaha.. We should have counselling sessions on this! I soooo didn't know what I wanted to become so I randomly chose courses when I had my entrance exam at UST. Option #1 - AB Political Science. Option # 2 - ECE. Option # 3 - BS Psychology. I passed all three options but I chose AB because of the stupidest reasons: I liked the AB uniform better than the other two... Waaaaaaa!!! And this is one of my greatest regrets in life. I should have chosen option # 2 instead... Btw, I graduated AB Economics. Go figure!

21. I don't like dogs nor cats. I don't like pets. Period.

22. There are three things I'd want to do before I die: bungee jump, go on a cruise and visit Japan

23. I would love to have twins someday! Girl-twins! Like Jessica and Elizabeth from my juvenile years. Remember the sweet valley pocket books? Back in highschool, me and some of my friends who were addicted with that series loved it so much so we started to name ourselves after the characters from the book. Eloisa is Jessica and I was the goody-two-shoes Elizabeth.

24. During our finals in sixth grade, one of my classmates had an almost blank test paper a few minutes before the exam period ends. So while most of my classmates are hovering around our teacher, I took her exam paper and answered it myself. hehehe... kawang gawa :D

25. Last na! Weeeee! I always prided myself with the fact that I was one of the very few students in my freshman year in college who got a flat one (1.0) in my class card for Logic. But now I realize it does not count at all. Especially when your heart falls in love with the wrong guy... Awwww... all the logic in your head fades away. Happy Valentine's Day! :D

Confessions of a Plastic Card User

What do you know? I am keeping my promise! I am staying out of credit card purchases... Woohoo! :)

But let me tell you a story behind this...

I was a heavy credit card user. Since I got my first credit card back when I was still working at Sykes as an agent (hmmm.. I think this was in 2004) I've been using it non-stop. I was disciplined before. Though I charge almost all of my expenses to my card, I religiously pay the entire balance due whenever I would get my statement every month. I never gave the bank an opportunity to profit on my use, they never collected finance charge on my account. I was just happily enjoying the freebies that come with the accumulation of my points. And just today, I claimed my best and biggest reward yet - the round trip ticket to HK. But we'll get into that later on. :)

Now, here's the sad part :(

Last year, I messed up big time with my budget. Huhuhu! And one thing I learned when you miss a full payment to your card, you never seem to catch up! Being the impulsive buyer that I am and the traveler geek I turned out to be, I never had the chance to recover. I am not proud of this but let me tell you the story anyway so you'll learn something. :)

So bills piled up... Even if I put in half of my salary each month to the payment of my dues, I always seem to have more to pay the following month. Yes, I know, my travel-attack spells did not help either. Until finally, I had to force myself to wake from this addicting habit of charging all my expenses to that little rectangular plastic card. As you probably know, I literally shredded my Citibank card last christmas (after charging a hefty amount to it for my dream dSLR camera).

It's been a little more than a month since I'm running around the metro without my plastic card on my hands when I go shopping. Yes, I still go shopping and I still buy things and I still go to the salon but the thing is I am surviving with the little cash left in my wallet for these expenses. I am like an alcoholic trying to be sober. I might as well join or start up my own "credit card anonymous" club.

No, I haven't paid up my cards yet! Truly, I wish I have but I am working on it. I've worked out a little plan to finally pay all those off and hopefully live debt-free by next year.

Last Sunday, I bought my first cash purchase for something that damaged me a freaking 5,000 pesos. Hehehe.. Yup, got myself the cheapest and trendiest cellphone I could find. (Don't ask me why) It's the pink Samsung M620. Yes, the only deciding factor why I got that particular model is because of the metallic pink color. Weeee! Pu-re-tteee!! Well anyway, guess what... when it was time for me to hand the five 1000 peso bills to the saleslady, I swear my hands were shaking a little. I was like a drug addict letting go of a free pack of heroin! It was funny because I realized I need to learn on how to pay things in cash. Imagine that... How pathetic can one get?!

But I am getting the hang of it, actually. So it's been a month... by God's grace, I know I could do it. I could go all cash this year and finally payoff my card dues.

So you, my friend, if you are thinking of getting a card - my advise to you: Forget about it! The thing is, you might think you are pretty disciplined and you probably are... But four years down the road, that could all change...

Or if you are a heavy card user as I was... hmmm... sit back and look at the bigger picture. Don't you think it's time to put a stop to the madness?

So there you go. My two cents on credit card addiction :P

Ooops... I did it again... Prayer # 4, 2009

It's been a while since my hands and my mind were in sync.. since my mind seem to dictate the keystrokes of my fingers... since my fingers hit each letter with emotion coming from my heart... since my heart run wild and overpowered my mind... since my mind really took on its own course again.
It's been a while.
Does that mean my mind stopped thinking? My heart stopped beating? My emotions stopped feeling? My fingers stopped typing?
No... I just learned to keep it at bay... Learned to live with it... Go with the flow...
However, some things happened again in this world I am living on. In the road that I am traversing on, things go on... Issues of the heart still exist... And my imagination still working traitorously against my will.
A year ago I read the famous passage from one of the best authors I've known. Paolo Coelho and his famous Closing Cycle is exactly what my mind is contemplating about these days. Here, read on. It's been blogged and emailed so many times you've probably read it too. But somehow the words relay a different meaning when you are exactly in the same predicament.
How does one close a vicious cycle?

Closing Cycles by Paulo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.
Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.
None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.
That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.
Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.
Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.
Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.
Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.
Now my question is, how do you end a cycle when you are firmly trapped in it? How do you detach yourself from someone when your eyes fall on his presence almost every day? How do you shut out the memories from coming back when your ears hear almost every sound that comes out of his lips? How can you start the healing process when circumstances happen and you just end up being hurt again, sometimes even more than when the first injury actually hit? How can you just let go and move on when the people around you seem to have a good time reminding you of that very thing you needed to let go? How do you keep the faith when everything else around you crumbles down?
I wish the answer is as easy as what I usually say... "Pray!" But I have to be honest, sometimes it takes an enormous amount of patience and discipline to stand still and look unto the Lord. Sometimes the situation I am in weakens me and strengthens my freaking doubtful mind. Today is one of those days.

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still"
- Exodus 14:14

"Teach me how to be still, my Lord.
That is my only prayer today. Amen."

Imagination and Will

I'm still not done with my transcription assignment :( I'm left with 30 more minutes of transferring audio file to a word doc. Suddenly I have so many things to do again. But anyway, I was able to transcribe ten minutes of the audio file today. And I just can't sleep without sharing what I learned.

By the way, my assignment was the GLC Session on Roles in the family. It's a one hour and 40 minutes talk by Pastor Peter on what the bible says are the roles of the family. It is really very enlightening. And the words I transcribed today were addressed to single adults. Yes, like me (and you maybe) :)

So here, I am pasting an excerpt on single's responsibility, in hope that it will open up your hearts, minds, and eyes that way it did mine:

(Pastor Peter talking)

Singles, you have a responsibility towards yourself. The bible says the second greatest commandment is love yourself as you love others, right? So you got to learn to love yourself. It does not mean others all become secondary. What does that mean? Well, I suggest appreciate God’s design for you. God made you special. You are unique. Develop your talent.

If you are single and you are seated beside other singles, turn to them and say “Develop your gifts. You are unique.” Tell your neighbor, “You are unique.” Understand? You are unique. Singles, I praise God for you. In the meantime, while you don’t have children, while you are not married, develop yourself so that God can use you mightily. The blessing of being single is you have time. You have the luxury of what? Extra income, extra time. The moment you become a mother, your time is limited. The moment you become a father, your time is limited.

Now that you are single, learn! Develop all your God-given talents, abilities. Protect your purity. Be careful what you see. Today I feel a great concern for singles. Because now with the internet, with the DVD, with all the videos, you are exposing your eyes to things you are not supposed to see. So it’s very difficult for singles to fight against moral purity, sexual temptation. Because you open yourself to things that you not supposed to see, you are not supposed to experience, but Satan has deceived us. You have exposed yourself.

It’s called the Pandora’s Box. You are not supposed to experience this. Be careful what you see, what you listen to, where you go, whom you are with. Your friends are very important.

Now, I’ve counseled a lot of singles. And I tell them the battle over sexual purity starts with the mind. If the mind is dirty, full of pornographic materials, you are doomed to failure. As Billy Graham said, “Imagination will always overcome the will. The will is no match to imagination.”

You see, what you think and what you imagine is very powerful. Therefore you need to clean your mind. How do you clean your mind when it is already polluted? It’s like a glass of water. How do you clean a glass of water when it is already polluted? You can not empty the water because how do you empty your brain? Give me a lobotomy. You want a brain transplant? You can not. So when the water is dirty in the bottle and you can not throw away the water, what do you do? You put in new water and you let it overflow. Eventually the dirty water will become cleaner and cleaner. But it does not mean hundred percent, all those images will be gone. But you begin to practice now.

So I teach my children. Guard your eyes, guard your ears, guard what you see. And all those old images will sooner or later begin to go away. I have counseled husbands, wives, they used to watch pornographic materials for their sex. So all of those are embedded. So the way to overcome that you now begin to saturate your mind with the word of God. Stop watching garbage. You understand? That’s the only way. Especially for singles. You have no match against visual imagination. Very hard. Guard your purity, please. The best gift you can give to your future husband is your virginity, your purity.

Now, you tell me, Peter it’s too late. I’ve given my purity to some other men in the past. It’s never too late. You know why? Be a spiritual virgin starting today. A spiritual virgin is somebody who makes a commitment, “Lord, from now on, I will guard my purity.” So be a spiritual virgin again.

What struck me about these words, though it is actually about guarding one's purity, was how it says imagination will always overcome will. How true! It applies to all aspect of our lives, not just in guarding our purity. No matter how many times I told myself I'll change, I am always failing whenever I let my active mind wander and think of "what-ifs."

As I have shared previously, my mind is my greatest enemy. And today I learned a valuable and important lesson. Now I understand I have to fill my mind with other thoughts in order to not succumb to my worldly thoughts before they control me.

Now, my prayer is that may I always remember to do just that! Think more like Jesus!

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right,
whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable
—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me,
or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
-Philippians 4:8-9

 

Giving up the Battlefield... Prayer # 3, 2009

Last Saturday I went to my first music ministry practice for the year. The truth is I was once again tempted not to attend at all. Shame on me for thinking that since Mama is still in the hospital, I have a very valid reason not to attend. I can easily claim that I’m in the hospital looking out for my mom. Family is important anyway. But no, thank God for taking charge of my mind today, I was able to fight off that thought and go to CCF.

 

I love going to prompting practices. It clears my mind off its usual clutter and let me focus on singing for the lover of my soul. I love watching my choir mates joke around, teach each other the right tunes and chat away filling in the events of the week to each other. I love hearing the live band practicing the songs. I love the way the drums seem to beat powerfully to my heart, waking me and preparing me to worship. I love how the sounds of the piano keys create the most astoundingly beautiful music for my Lord. Combine that with strumming of guitar strings and one can just marvel at the beauty of it all. But most of all, I love and look forward to my there-you-go moments, where while singing, I can just clearly see the ineptitude of my decisions.

 

I had one of those moments today.

 

So while I was looking at my song sheet and singing softly with the rest of my co ministry members, I suddenly realized the reason why I had a little hatred in my heart towards that one person I supposedly have surrendered to the Lord. Remember how I seem to have forgiven this person and I was able to really go with my every day activities not minding the little pinches in my heart that still exist? Remember how I claimed to be okay and on the road to full recovery? Remember how suddenly ecstatic and content I was to be joyfully single while waiting on the Lord?

 

Over the holidays, the peace in my mind and the stillness of my heart took the backseat. And I became bitter once again remembering what my recent experiences made me feel. I wallowed in self-pity and self-righteousness thinking I didn’t deserve to be treated the way I was treated and convincing myself that I deserve a little revenge to patch up my severely wounded ego.

Now I realize I was wrong. Yes, I may have a right to feel those things but the fact that I have a Big God hovering my entire being I shouldn’t have nursed that hatred and let it consume me. It was like after I surrendered everything to God, I suddenly had a second thought and asked him to give all my concerns back to me.

 

Why did I ever to that?

 

The reason was shown clearly to me today. There are two things that happened why this sudden change in my attitude transpired.

 

First reason: I was not able to really spend time with my Lord during the long break. Yes, it would have been a perfect opportunity to catch up with my bible reading but what did I do? I replaced my quiet times doing worldly things. (Think internet!) I already knew that if even once I break the connection between me and my savior, I am practically screaming “hey satan, do your thing!” I was open for temptation and being the gullible that I am, I can easily be swayed off.

 

Reason #2: This is all Stephenie Meyer’s fault!!! Okay, sorry I am passing on the blame to someone else. Of course, it was entirely my fault. I saturated myself with Edward, Bella, Jacob and the rest of the Twilight Saga gang. Instead of filling my mind with the wonderful promises of the lover of my soul by reading his words, I filled it in with romantic words by reading the twilight saga series.

 

That is actually the catalyst why I am just that – bitter and revengeful. I realized that reading the love story of Edward and Bella reignited the longing in my heart. Something that God is already working on closing gradually which I ripped open and even making it larger by creating an even bigger wound. While I was marveling at the love between Edward and Bella I was also recreating another story in my head. Yes, you knew about it, you read it in my previous blogs. So I began to see myself in the words that I am reading and since my story wasn’t a happy ending like the characters in the book has been, I started living in an alternate world where my mind was filled with the what-should-have-beens in my own love life.

 

I started to forget the lessons I learned the past months. The takeaways I got from reading Joshua Harris’ books and the words I heard from Francis Kong during the BIG 4 retreat were overshadowed by the intensity of my rekindled longing to be cared of and loved by another person. The answer that God gave me almost two months ago and the promises that accompanied that No for an answer faded into a mere memory. So I began to doubt that my Father in heaven knew of my concerns and is actually working on it already.

 

But thank God for his infinite wisdom and faithfulness He did not leave me in this pit of bitterness and rage. Thank God for my there-you-go moment that I started to see the truth. When the Lord impresses something in your heart, He backs it up thru other means that I may not forget easily. How fitting that the following day, during the Sunday service, I would hear of the verse from Ephesians 6:12 where it says that our struggle is not against flesh and blood… but against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Pastor Peter went on to explain that the evil one uses the people dear to us to draw us away from God, to break that connection we have from our savior. But the thing is, these people are just being used as well.

 

I now realized that through my readings of the twilight saga books there was a reawakening of my worldly longings that happened. And out of frustration, I vent all my bitterness and rage towards this person when I should not. My battle is all internal and shouldn’t have been towards someone else. Though yes, it was true I was hurt and stomped upon by this person but the thing is I allowed myself to be put in that situation. All my rage shouldn’t have been existing now. I realized that when I took back my concerns from God, I was allowing more hurt to be inflicted upon myself. But today I realized I had it all wrong. I was already on the road to recovery before I started reading the twilight saga books. I was already holding on to the amazing truth that my happiness is not dependent on another person but on God alone.

 

When I decided to cut off this person from my life, I have to be honest; I did not really pray about it first. I mean, not sincerely. I did pray that the reason I am doing it is because I want to start a fresh new year. But now I see my motivation was still driven by hatred. I suddenly wanted to be in charge and so I concocted schemes on how to recover on my own. Though the plans I did thought off were somehow still valid and effective, I failed to recognize that I really didn’t have to do anything but just pray about it. No need for drastic measures of cutting someone off your life. Because what did that result of? I offended this person and ruined his own conviction to change and be better for God. I unnecessarily dampen his spirit by letting him know that someone like me is seething mad at him. I know if that was me and someone I know doesn’t want to talk to me again then my spirit will be troubled.

 

So now, I am returning this concern back to God. I will no longer do anything from my end. Whatever comes my way, I trust that the Lord is backing me up and is guiding my actions. Even if people around me will chastise me for being too trusting and allowing my vulnerable side to be open again, I guess I don’t care anymore. If that person who I just chose to forgive will keep hurting me, I will not retaliate. It’s between him and God. As for me, I am just going to stand still, wait and put my full trust in His loving arms.

 

“Do not be afraid or discouraged…

For the battle is not yours, but God’s”

- 2 Chronicles 20:15

 

Heavenly Father, thank you for this day and for opening my eyes. I want to come back to you, stripped of all bitterness and hatred in my heart. From this moment on take the wheel from my hands and lead me where you want me to be. Continue changing my heart that I may remain pure from this moment on. I surrender this person to you. Please guard all my actions towards him. Sometimes his audacity irritates me and makes me react negatively. Please help me humble myself more and just treat him amiably at all times. Help me remind myself that my battle is not against this person. Equip me with your words and promises that I will not be easily swayed whenever the great deceiver will put doubts and other thoughts in my mind. All this I pray in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen.

 

This prayer, I again got from Stormie Omartian’s book “The Power of a Praying Woman” and I claim the same plea…

 

Lord, help me to never exchange Your truth for a lie. Where I have accepted a lie as truth, reveal that to me. Help me to clearly discern when it is the enemy who is speaking. I don’t want to think futile and foolish thoughts or give place to thoughts that are not glorifying to You (Romans 1:21). I don’t want to walk according to my own thinking (Isaiah 65:2). I want to bring every thought captive and control my mind.

ER experience... Prayer # 2, 2009

I went home this morning at around 3:30 in the morning to find my mom slumped in a chair, head hang low, body covered in jackets and blankets... While I was out meeting friends, little did I know that mama has been vomiting since midnight. She was alone in the house, helpless with zero load credits and therefore can't reach me nor any of my brothers.

The minute I opened the door and saw her like that, I felt my blood drained from my face. Guilt-stricken is probably the best way to describe me then. Thank God panic did not overcome me and my brain started functioning. First thought that came to mind - is this another heart related illness, remembering in mind mama's medical history that includes a week stay in ICU during my birthday four years back... So quickly I asked her what's ailing her and how bad was it. She said she's feeling very week from throwing up and that the back of her neck down to her right shoulder is troubling her. I rushed to my room, put down the things I was carrying when I came in, dumped all the things in my bag on my bed, grabbed my wallet, phone, keys and dumped them in another bag. Then I went on to the other room, grabbed a jacket for mama and opened up her drawers looking for her health card. Then I told her to wait for me while I hail a taxi and then I'd get her and bring her to the hospital.

While rushing down the stairs I started the communication with my savior. Every step of the way I'm talking to God, asking for His guidance because it's the first time that I am personally bringing mama to the emergency room and I didn't have someone accompanying me. I felt God every minute. I was calm and composed, so to speak.

God then showed how He answers prayer requests. First He made sure we got into the safest taxi He can provide, an MGE cab stopped in front of me. So I told the driver to wait for me while I get my mom and that we're heading to Makati Med. God provided an understanding driver, what else can you expect? I took my sweet time guiding mama down the stairs from our second floor apartment unit. At four in the morning, we breezed through the streets of Makati and reached the hospital in no time. Another blessing from God, the driver was not able to start his meter so when I asked him how much, he told me fifty pesos will do (should have been more considering I made him wait).

Then when I opened the taxi door, immediately the security guard from the ER came to us with wheel chair so mama will not have to walk in her pain. And from there she was taken cared of. I saw God working in all these,  the ease of registering her by just handing the health card to the personnel and I didn't have to answer any questions... the doctors and nurses and radiologist who assisted with her X-Ray and ECG... every thing went well without the need for me to worry on anything. After four X-Ray films, three injections, two blood pressure check-up and examination from the doctors, it was time to go home. Thank God my initial thought of this being another stroke was dispelled from my mind. Though when they first checked her blood pressure, she had a whopping 210/130 result but after just two to three hours there, the doctor who checked her BP again was really amazed it went down to 140/90, without her administering something for the high blood pressure. That was just amazing, Lord!

So after I was given the instructions for mama's medication at home, I went to the billing department and settled her bills. Guess what... I just gave them Mama's name and after a few minutes, I was asked to sign the discharge papers and then they returned to me Mama's health card and we were free to go. Yes, I didn't have to give a single cent to the hospital, thanks to the health card. (I really love working with Chase, this is the third time that mama was hospitalized and I never had to pay the hospital!)

When we got home, I can't stop thanking God that it went well. I just need to buy the medicine and mama will be on her way to recovery. Though sadly it was a chronic neck pain that got her this time. That means it will not be completely healed since some of her veins and muscles in the neck were all clogged up and the doctors said there is no cure yet for those veins to open up so she'll just be under pain killers and after three to five days, should start scheduling sessions with a Physical Therapist...

While I was waiting for Mama during her examination at ER, I texted Jheny to inform her that I rushed mama to the hospital and if she can please pray for her health. When I opened my eyes at around 11am (I finally slept at 9am) I received at least ten text messages from my  CCF family. Looks like Jheny texted everyone informing them of my mom's condition. After I read those messages I just bowed my head and said a simple thank you to my God. Brushing the tears from my eyes, I went out of my room and checked on Mama. She said she's much better though the neck pain is still there. Immediately I changed my clothes so I can go to the drugstore and buy the prescribed medicine. While on board the jeep going to the drug store, I'm talking to God again. Lord, let the cash in my wallet be enough to buy all the medicine she needs so I don't have to use my other remaining credit card (since I kind of swore last week that I will not use my credit card for purchases again).

Of course, you guessed it right. With Mama's senior citizen ID and booklet, I had more than enough in my purse to buy every thing she needs.

My loving Father, thank you very much for your guidance today. I felt you in every single moment of this brief experience of being alone while tending for my mom. Thank you that you showed your magnificence in making sure I didn't have to worry since every thing just worked perfectly right in front of my eyes. Thank you Lord for my dear sister Jheny. She made a way for more prayers to be uttered for my mom. Lord, I know the doctors said it's a chronic illness, meaning no complete healing but I know with you nothing is impossible. I pray and claim complete healing for mama's neck pain. After she's done with her medication, may it not bother her again, Lord. I am forever grateful to you, my loving father.
I am just awed by your loving guidance today.
Even if I was at fault for not coming home earlier, you made sure Mama was fine even if she was all alone in her pain... Lord, I learned a valuable lesson today. May I always remember to make sure that before I go out and have fun with friends, mama should be fully equipped to be able to reach out to me or to any of my brothers in times like this. Not that I'm anticipating that it will happen again... She's not getting any younger and lately have been weaker...
May I just be more sensitive to her needs, Lord.
Thank you in all that you do! Amen.

In everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
- 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Look back then look ahead... Prayer #1, 2009

It's day 1 of year 2009. Hmmmm... smell the air... feel the room... taste the promise of new blessings to come... keep your eyes close and dream!

So it's the new year, huh? Finally bid 2008 good bye and hopefully all the not-so-good-things flushed down the drain as well.

Yesterday I made a list of the things that were included in the "blessings in 2008" category. And that made me feel good. Kind of made me feel like 2008 was pretty much an okay year too (2007 is still my all-time favorite year) despite that freaking heartache I'm still not completely over with. Can I just wish for that entire episode in my life to be just wiped out from my memory so in the years to come I can look back at this 2008 and actually feel real good about it? (if only shift+delete works... hehehe)

Oh, what the heck... it's the new year! I should repel all these negative thoughts out of my mind and really help myself in starting anew.

Guess what I did before the year ends? I decided to cut someone off my life. If only I can really make that person disappear it would have been perfect. Not that I'm nursing hatred in my heart for this person (okay, so maybe a little...) but I just want to protect myself, knowing how gullible I am I'd better take extra precautionary measures. Call it a defense mechanism if you will. I need to detoxify myself of things, persons and events I want to forget (or at least push back the memory at the farthest recesses of my mind so it won't be as vivid whenever I would remember).

Once I read in a magazine that one way to get over a guy is to "He-tox" (detox, gets?). I did that in 2007 when I had my heart broken the first time and I think it helped a lot. The key is to cut all communication channels so even if you get that sudden "i-miss-him-i-want-to-talk-to-him" attacks, you won't because you don't know how to reach out. The next on my list of plan of action is while pushing back the good memories at the back of your mind, try to bring the bad ones right up front. Yes, make sure you remember that one time he told you he is losing interest in you. Freeze that moment in your mind or if you have it on email, make a screen shot and make it your wallpaper so if your mind plays tricks on you and makes you  think like you miss him, open your your laptop and stare on the screen and be reminded, he ditched you and actually had the nerve to tell you that you no longer interest him.

Don't you just love the internet? It's a very powerful tool. In just a click of the button, you'd find out what he did on Christmas day and that should be added to your growing list of just-stab-me-in-the-heart-will-you moments. Hold that thought! Engrave it in your brain! Remember it well and realize it's time to open up your freaking eyes and see the truth as ugly as it is.  

So what do you do when suddenly your traitorous mind replays that one time you spent together looking towards the horizon eagerly sharing your lives with each other? Or that one time he was so irritatingly sweet and thoughtful and he held you in his arms as if he'd protect you even from the slightest harm? Or what about those text messages that greet your eyes when you open them first thing in the morning? What to do? Simple, savor it for a second and then open your window real wide and... jump! Hehehe... just kidding!

One thing I learned from this entire heart-wrenching experience is the knowledge that there is a being ready to catch me whenever I let myself fall. I do get the comfort I need whenever I talk to the lover of my soul. If only I can be in constant communication every single minute with my savior every thing will be fine. But I falter. I stumble. I get stubborn and let myself succumb to the pain and torment of reliving the past. But after a while, when I couldn't bear it anymore then I start to pray... Prayer is a powerful tool, more powerful than the internet definitely. So I just pray and beg God to change my heart... And change his heart too, of course. Ask God to make him realize that I am a human being too and no matter how unladylike I may appear on the outside, I am soft and fragile inside. My mind is my greatest enemy. It works on its own and puts me in agony sometimes when it does that flashback technique and makes me relive memories.

Oh crap, see how my mind wandered and made me write about that heartache again? This blog should have been more upbeat and optimistic since it's day 1 of 2009!

Oh well, can't help it. Admit it or not, that became a big part of my 2008 and I have no choice but just to bear with it until I've fully recovered. But as I said I am just hopeful of the promise that this new year will bring. If I can just stick to the "he-tox" plan, I am bound to be whole again, all patched up and ready to be broken by the next one that comes along.

Here, let me share my prayer for today, for this year... Taken from the book "The Power of a Praying Woman" from Stormie Omartian:

Lord, I pray that you will set me free from my past. Wherever I have made the past my home I pray that You would deliver me, heal me, and redeem me from it. I choose to make my Home with You. Help me to let go of anything I have held onto of my past that has kept me from moving into all You have for me. Enable me to put off all former ways of thinking and feeling and remembering (Ephesians 4:22-24). Give me the mind of Christ so I will be able to understand when I am being controlled by memories of past events.

I don't want to tie myself to the past by neglecting to forgive any person or event associated with it. Help me to forgive what needs to be forgiven. Specifically, I pray that You would deliver me from the effects of my recent heartache. I release my past to You and everyone associated with it so You can restore what has been lost.Everything that was done to me or I have done which causes me pain, I surrender to You. May it no longer torment me or affect what I do this year. Make me glad according to the days in which I have been afflicted and the years I have seen evil (Psalm 90:15). Thank You that You make all things new and You are making me new in every way (Revelation 21:5).

Help me to keep my eyes looking straight ahead and not look back on the former days and old ways of doing things. I know You want to do something new in my life today. Help me to concentrate on where I am to go now and not where I have been. Release me from the past so I can move out of it and into the future You have for me. Amen.

"Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."
- Isaiah 43:18-19

Year End Review :)

It's the last day of the year! Most of the people around the world are doing the last glance on what their 2008 has offered. A trip down the memory lane. I might as well join the wagon and do that to.

So this is the year end review of my life.

Before I start, I just want to thank the Lord for another year under his wings. All the things I did, the feelings I felt, the joy I laughed at, the pictures I posed to, the pictures I took, the food I ate, the money I spent, the hugs I received, the tears I cried, the prayers I uttered, the people I loved, the person I want to hate, the words I used to compose a blog, everything... were made possible because of the lover of my soul. Praise and Glory to my God!

Okay, now let us begin... Let's do a list of all the blessings I got this year!

Digital Review:
* In May, I bought a 160GB external hard drive / media player that allows me to watch my movie/drama/anime downloads from a TV.
* In June, I bought a new point and shoot camera (the red fujifilm) to replace my four years old Sony Cybershot.
* In July, my work assigned me another laptop, the Dell latitude to be with my old, hand-me-down IBM laptop.
* In October, my friend gave me my Sony PSP slim.
* In November, my Apple iPhone celebrate its one year anniversary with me clad with metallic pink casing this time to party with my equally metallic pink PSP (hehehe).
* Latest acquisition just in Dec 24... my all-time favorite gadget of the year... My new
baby Canon 1000d SLR (aka Candy.. hehe).

Geographical Review:
New Places I visited:
* Caramoan, Camarines Sur (August)
* CWC, Camarines Sur (August)
* Bohol (November)
* Lago de Oro, Batangas (October)

Places I revisited:
* Boracay (August)
* Chateau Royale, Batangas (December)
* Tagaytay (multiple trips in the fourth quarter of this year)
* Laguna

Hotels and Resorts I stayed at:
* Shangri-La Hotel (Eloisa's birthday)
* Astoria (Karen's birthday)
* Tirona Hotel (Tagaytay, with RFS IT gang)
* Alona Beach Resort (Bohol)
* Shenna's Resort (Boracay)
* Rex Inn (Caramoan)
* CWC Container Vans (Cam-sur)
* Salazar Private Pools (Pansol, Laguna)

Best Coffee Shop:
* Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf at Bonifacio High Street

Social-Life Review:
Friends I had to say goodbye for a while to because they are working elsewhere in the globe:
* Eloisa (Singapore)
* Faye (Singapore)
* Karen (Dubai)

Friends we said welcome back for visiting us this year:
* JayAnn (from Australia)
* Eloisa (from Singapore)
* Vanessa (from Dubai)
* Cathy (from Canada)
* Faye (from Singapore)
* Macky (from Dubai)

New Friends I got close to this year:
* Ayie, Cicelle, Ryan, Carl, B1, Eric, Cyrus, Jinky (new travel-mates... hehehe)
* Verna (kapalit ni Karen... hehehe)
* Twiti (ni Joan... hahaha)

Prayer / Accountability Partners:
* Jheny, Coney, Ate Rona
* Ms My
* Charly

Events and Celebrations:
* Joseph the Dreamer Musical at CCF (March)
* Hillsong United Concert (May)
* Kitchie Nadal free Concert at UCM (May)
* Tommy Walker Concert (May)
* JayAnn-Rancel Wedding (June)
* Cinderella Musical (August)
* BIG 4 Singles Retreat (December)
* CCF Christmas Cantata (December)
* Six Christmas Parties! (December)
* Rhea-Sonny Wedding (December)

New networks I joined in:
* Facebook
* Wordpress
* LinkedIn

Intellectual Review (hehehe):
Books I read (that I still remember):
* I kissed dating goodbye (Joshua Harris)
* Boy Meets Girl (Joshua Harris)
* Not even a Hint (Joshua Harris)
* What to do until love finds you (Michelle McKinney Hammond)
* Joyfully Single (Harold Sala)
* What matters most for women (Devotional)
* Really Bad Girls of the Bible (Liz Curtis Higgs)
* The Power of a Praying Woman (Stormie Omartian)
* When God writes your love story (Eric and Leslie Ludy)
* Twilight (Stephenie Meyer)
* New Moon (Stephenie Meyer)
* Eclipse (Stephenie Meyer)
* Breaking Dawn (Stephenie Meyer)

New things I learned (and re-learned):
* Basic Japanese (continuation from last year)
* Basic Photography (okay, super teeny weeny basic.. haha.. what I got lang from online)
* How to reformat a laptop (hehehe :P)
* How to post in website using html
* Understanding imbeciles (wahahaha)
* How to be an imbecile (bwahahaha)

Things I haven't done before that I did this year:
* Wakeboard (in Camsur and Lago)
* Rock Climbing (in Caramoan)
* Parasailing (in Boracay)
* Paintball (in The Fort :P)
* Get hooked in Photography (like actually taking decent pictures rather than just posing in front of the camera like the previous years)
* Participate in 2K walk for Unicef Fun Run
* Join choir in back up for Tommy Walker (CCF, June)
* Volunteer as transcriber for CCF
* Cruise Manila Bay while watching Pyrolympics and having dinner (May)
* Cut my hair really short! (and cut it every now and then)
* Cut my Citibank credit card (literally)

Other Milestones:
* Promotion in July, transfer to RFS IT
* Moved to a new apartment

Songs consistently on my playlist:
* Thank You - The Katinas
* Sweetly Broken - Jeremy Camp
* I Can Only Imagine - Mercy Me
* I Still Believe - Jeremy Camp
* Who Am I - Casting Crowns
* Indescribable - Chris Tomlin
* Breathe - The Katinas
* Tonight - FM Static
* Code - Nishikido Ryo

Hmmm... have I covered everything? Any other category I might have missed? I'll think some more and will update if I remember something :) Or if you remember something I did, we did, or any milestone for this year, let me know, leave a comment so it can be added here! Hehehe!

But... looking at this current list now... I just have to say... I've been abundantly blessed!

Thank you to all the people I shared these moments with. I couldn't have asked for a better company.

And of course, Thank you Lord for all these!

Please bless us more in 2009!