25 Random Things About Me :D

Copying from Facebook... I was tagged by Jinky and I have to say, I had fun writing it. Hehehe... Go try it yourself! I'm not tagging any one here. Hahaha

This is simple, go back to your memory bank and think of 25 random things that not much people know about you - Any facts, habits and goals... Then write them down!!!

1. I am a Papa's girl. :) I adored my father as a child and would always always get what I want. Once just out of nowhere I put on a tantrum and demanded from my dad that I wanted a new set of clothes. And just after pouting my lips and not answering to anybody who talks to me, we went out and he bought me a blouse and a skirt. I can still remember what it was, It's a really short black and white checkered skirt and a matching blouse.

2. My favorite book from the bible is Job. Aside from the fact that it tells the story of Job's faithfulness and the Lord's magnificence, I love it because I first heard that story from my dad. I remember being sick at the time and suddenly he called me and asked me to sit at his side on the bed and he opened his bible, read the first few chapters of the book, closed his bible and told me the rest of the story.

3. I was a very timid child. When me and my family would go out and attend parties (I remember going to a lot when I was a kid!) I would always hide at the back of my mom and just put up a shy smile whenever people would talk to me. I was even afraid of talking to people other than my family and friends. Once my dad asked me to call one of his friends on the phone, I didn't want to do it so I just cried. Hehe

4. When I was a kid, I can't go to sleep without my favortite blanket... Haha.. It was a green and dirty looking floral sheet that has a cigarette burn at one of its corners. It was my favorite sheet because I loved playing with that area - yeah, the burnt corner. I was a weird child, I know.

5. For some freaking reason, I adored Janice de Belen when I was a kid. I don't know!!! But I know I remember I liked her and I put up a fight when my mom decided to remove the worn out janice de belen poster from the wall. Hahaha.. Weird child nga!

6. My fondest memory of two of my brothers is when one afternoon we were out playing at the garage and out of sheer boredom one of my brothers decided to make it a little more fun by lighting their paper airplanes on fire so they could pretend there's an airplane crash... And they did, so while I was quietly and happily playing with my barbie dolls, their crashing paper planes went straight to my hair and so I end up shrieking and jumping while the two of them are having too much fun watching me.

7. My favorite occasion is my own birthday. Hahaha... I love reminding people I exist by telling everyone it's almost my birthday a few days before the big day. Aside from last year's one week celebration of my 27th birthday, my all-time favorite birthday was when I was in my junior year in highschool. I was running for a student council position at the time (grade 9 representative) so I was at the peak of my self-confidence and my social skills were at its finest. A week from the big day, I started telling everyone I would meet in the hallways: "Hi! It's my birthday on Friday!" And guess what... at the day itself, when I arrived at the school quadrangle for the flag ceremony, some of my friends where holding up a banner that says "Happy Birthday Jeliene!" And when we went up to our classroom after the flag ceremony, my little table was filled with little gifts and notes from my classmates. Weeeeee! I love that memory. I love getting notes and little things. I love surprises!

8. My favorite christmas song is Mariah Carey's version of Joy to the world.

9. My super dream job is to be the speech writer of the president :)

10. My ultimate fantasy is to star in my own musical. Yup, parang Lea Salonga lang! Fantasy nga eh, meaning, Will-not-happen! hehehe) I adore her dearly and I feel so lucky having watched her live in three of her plays (Miss Saigon, Baby the Musical, Cinderella) and two of her concerts (one is a benefit concert that I forgot already what it's called and the other one is the Broadway Concert). I also loved watching the 10th Anniversay concert of Les Miserables in Laser. (Hai hai, I watched that in that big laser disk at least a decade ago... hehehe) 

11. I survived more that a year without eating rice last 2007 and some of 2008. Yeah, a desperate attempt to lose weight but it sure worked! hehehe! I'm eating rice again now. ANd yes, it's B1's fault and the rest of the caramoan guys for making me eat rice with the sardines... Awww sarap!

12. I was a book worm in highschool. I can waste an entire day reading romance novels! I can forego eating just so I can finish the book. Once I read a book on a school night and did not sleep a wink because I can't put the book down. So I went to school without taking a bath because I was not able to go to sleep.

13. I love my highschool barkada more than any other friends I have because they know me best. They've seen me cry, heard me complain, watched me make a fool of myself and yet, they are still there any time I need them.

14. When I was a kid, my favorite snack was a Hansel mocha sandwich! As in there was a period in my life that it's the only biscuit I would buy from the sari-sari store. Then one day, I decided I wanted something else. However, when I said "Pabili..." the vendor immediately took one Hansel from their stock and handed it to me. So, not wanting to embarrass her, I took and paid for it even if by that time, I was already fed up with the mocha flavor. After that, I stopped buying from that sari sari store.

15. I consider myself the princess in the family. Having four brothers, I always get what I want. (*evil laugh*) I can ask them to do anything for me -- including buying sanitary napkins during my period... Hahaha.. I love my brothers! :D

16. My favorite drink is water. I can last a lifetime without a juice, a soda, a coffee, etc.

17. I love McDonald's over Jollibee because of three reasons: Nuggets, cheeseburger and fries

18. I don't have finger prints... Hahaha.. I can probably kill someone and get away with it because I don't have finger prints... (This is due to a skin condition that I already forgot what it's called... but the thing is if it's super cold or it's super hot, my hand itches like crazy so I end up scratching them and since we have the extreme weather in the Philippines where it gets really hot in summer and cold in the "ber" months, there is just no time for complete healing for my hands so my finger prints did not resurface. Hahaha.

19. Because of #18, until now I don't have my SSS ID yet. Of course, I applied for it years ago. I went to the SSS office, filled out some forms, fell in line, had my picture taken... but when it was time for the computerized finger print, the computer just did not recognize any thumb marks! The person assisting me said I better have my hands cured first before I get my ID or get a certification from a doctor that my hands will always be like that. Huhuhu... Out of embarrassment, I stayed away from any SSS offices.

20. I wasn't ready to enter college when I entered college. Hahaha.. We should have counselling sessions on this! I soooo didn't know what I wanted to become so I randomly chose courses when I had my entrance exam at UST. Option #1 - AB Political Science. Option # 2 - ECE. Option # 3 - BS Psychology. I passed all three options but I chose AB because of the stupidest reasons: I liked the AB uniform better than the other two... Waaaaaaa!!! And this is one of my greatest regrets in life. I should have chosen option # 2 instead... Btw, I graduated AB Economics. Go figure!

21. I don't like dogs nor cats. I don't like pets. Period.

22. There are three things I'd want to do before I die: bungee jump, go on a cruise and visit Japan

23. I would love to have twins someday! Girl-twins! Like Jessica and Elizabeth from my juvenile years. Remember the sweet valley pocket books? Back in highschool, me and some of my friends who were addicted with that series loved it so much so we started to name ourselves after the characters from the book. Eloisa is Jessica and I was the goody-two-shoes Elizabeth.

24. During our finals in sixth grade, one of my classmates had an almost blank test paper a few minutes before the exam period ends. So while most of my classmates are hovering around our teacher, I took her exam paper and answered it myself. hehehe... kawang gawa :D

25. Last na! Weeeee! I always prided myself with the fact that I was one of the very few students in my freshman year in college who got a flat one (1.0) in my class card for Logic. But now I realize it does not count at all. Especially when your heart falls in love with the wrong guy... Awwww... all the logic in your head fades away. Happy Valentine's Day! :D

Confessions of a Plastic Card User

What do you know? I am keeping my promise! I am staying out of credit card purchases... Woohoo! :)

But let me tell you a story behind this...

I was a heavy credit card user. Since I got my first credit card back when I was still working at Sykes as an agent (hmmm.. I think this was in 2004) I've been using it non-stop. I was disciplined before. Though I charge almost all of my expenses to my card, I religiously pay the entire balance due whenever I would get my statement every month. I never gave the bank an opportunity to profit on my use, they never collected finance charge on my account. I was just happily enjoying the freebies that come with the accumulation of my points. And just today, I claimed my best and biggest reward yet - the round trip ticket to HK. But we'll get into that later on. :)

Now, here's the sad part :(

Last year, I messed up big time with my budget. Huhuhu! And one thing I learned when you miss a full payment to your card, you never seem to catch up! Being the impulsive buyer that I am and the traveler geek I turned out to be, I never had the chance to recover. I am not proud of this but let me tell you the story anyway so you'll learn something. :)

So bills piled up... Even if I put in half of my salary each month to the payment of my dues, I always seem to have more to pay the following month. Yes, I know, my travel-attack spells did not help either. Until finally, I had to force myself to wake from this addicting habit of charging all my expenses to that little rectangular plastic card. As you probably know, I literally shredded my Citibank card last christmas (after charging a hefty amount to it for my dream dSLR camera).

It's been a little more than a month since I'm running around the metro without my plastic card on my hands when I go shopping. Yes, I still go shopping and I still buy things and I still go to the salon but the thing is I am surviving with the little cash left in my wallet for these expenses. I am like an alcoholic trying to be sober. I might as well join or start up my own "credit card anonymous" club.

No, I haven't paid up my cards yet! Truly, I wish I have but I am working on it. I've worked out a little plan to finally pay all those off and hopefully live debt-free by next year.

Last Sunday, I bought my first cash purchase for something that damaged me a freaking 5,000 pesos. Hehehe.. Yup, got myself the cheapest and trendiest cellphone I could find. (Don't ask me why) It's the pink Samsung M620. Yes, the only deciding factor why I got that particular model is because of the metallic pink color. Weeee! Pu-re-tteee!! Well anyway, guess what... when it was time for me to hand the five 1000 peso bills to the saleslady, I swear my hands were shaking a little. I was like a drug addict letting go of a free pack of heroin! It was funny because I realized I need to learn on how to pay things in cash. Imagine that... How pathetic can one get?!

But I am getting the hang of it, actually. So it's been a month... by God's grace, I know I could do it. I could go all cash this year and finally payoff my card dues.

So you, my friend, if you are thinking of getting a card - my advise to you: Forget about it! The thing is, you might think you are pretty disciplined and you probably are... But four years down the road, that could all change...

Or if you are a heavy card user as I was... hmmm... sit back and look at the bigger picture. Don't you think it's time to put a stop to the madness?

So there you go. My two cents on credit card addiction :P

Ooops... I did it again... Prayer # 4, 2009

It's been a while since my hands and my mind were in sync.. since my mind seem to dictate the keystrokes of my fingers... since my fingers hit each letter with emotion coming from my heart... since my heart run wild and overpowered my mind... since my mind really took on its own course again.
It's been a while.
Does that mean my mind stopped thinking? My heart stopped beating? My emotions stopped feeling? My fingers stopped typing?
No... I just learned to keep it at bay... Learned to live with it... Go with the flow...
However, some things happened again in this world I am living on. In the road that I am traversing on, things go on... Issues of the heart still exist... And my imagination still working traitorously against my will.
A year ago I read the famous passage from one of the best authors I've known. Paolo Coelho and his famous Closing Cycle is exactly what my mind is contemplating about these days. Here, read on. It's been blogged and emailed so many times you've probably read it too. But somehow the words relay a different meaning when you are exactly in the same predicament.
How does one close a vicious cycle?

Closing Cycles by Paulo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.
Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.
None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.
That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.
Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.
Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.
Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.
Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.
Now my question is, how do you end a cycle when you are firmly trapped in it? How do you detach yourself from someone when your eyes fall on his presence almost every day? How do you shut out the memories from coming back when your ears hear almost every sound that comes out of his lips? How can you start the healing process when circumstances happen and you just end up being hurt again, sometimes even more than when the first injury actually hit? How can you just let go and move on when the people around you seem to have a good time reminding you of that very thing you needed to let go? How do you keep the faith when everything else around you crumbles down?
I wish the answer is as easy as what I usually say... "Pray!" But I have to be honest, sometimes it takes an enormous amount of patience and discipline to stand still and look unto the Lord. Sometimes the situation I am in weakens me and strengthens my freaking doubtful mind. Today is one of those days.

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still"
- Exodus 14:14

"Teach me how to be still, my Lord.
That is my only prayer today. Amen."

Imagination and Will

I'm still not done with my transcription assignment :( I'm left with 30 more minutes of transferring audio file to a word doc. Suddenly I have so many things to do again. But anyway, I was able to transcribe ten minutes of the audio file today. And I just can't sleep without sharing what I learned.

By the way, my assignment was the GLC Session on Roles in the family. It's a one hour and 40 minutes talk by Pastor Peter on what the bible says are the roles of the family. It is really very enlightening. And the words I transcribed today were addressed to single adults. Yes, like me (and you maybe) :)

So here, I am pasting an excerpt on single's responsibility, in hope that it will open up your hearts, minds, and eyes that way it did mine:

(Pastor Peter talking)

Singles, you have a responsibility towards yourself. The bible says the second greatest commandment is love yourself as you love others, right? So you got to learn to love yourself. It does not mean others all become secondary. What does that mean? Well, I suggest appreciate God’s design for you. God made you special. You are unique. Develop your talent.

If you are single and you are seated beside other singles, turn to them and say “Develop your gifts. You are unique.” Tell your neighbor, “You are unique.” Understand? You are unique. Singles, I praise God for you. In the meantime, while you don’t have children, while you are not married, develop yourself so that God can use you mightily. The blessing of being single is you have time. You have the luxury of what? Extra income, extra time. The moment you become a mother, your time is limited. The moment you become a father, your time is limited.

Now that you are single, learn! Develop all your God-given talents, abilities. Protect your purity. Be careful what you see. Today I feel a great concern for singles. Because now with the internet, with the DVD, with all the videos, you are exposing your eyes to things you are not supposed to see. So it’s very difficult for singles to fight against moral purity, sexual temptation. Because you open yourself to things that you not supposed to see, you are not supposed to experience, but Satan has deceived us. You have exposed yourself.

It’s called the Pandora’s Box. You are not supposed to experience this. Be careful what you see, what you listen to, where you go, whom you are with. Your friends are very important.

Now, I’ve counseled a lot of singles. And I tell them the battle over sexual purity starts with the mind. If the mind is dirty, full of pornographic materials, you are doomed to failure. As Billy Graham said, “Imagination will always overcome the will. The will is no match to imagination.”

You see, what you think and what you imagine is very powerful. Therefore you need to clean your mind. How do you clean your mind when it is already polluted? It’s like a glass of water. How do you clean a glass of water when it is already polluted? You can not empty the water because how do you empty your brain? Give me a lobotomy. You want a brain transplant? You can not. So when the water is dirty in the bottle and you can not throw away the water, what do you do? You put in new water and you let it overflow. Eventually the dirty water will become cleaner and cleaner. But it does not mean hundred percent, all those images will be gone. But you begin to practice now.

So I teach my children. Guard your eyes, guard your ears, guard what you see. And all those old images will sooner or later begin to go away. I have counseled husbands, wives, they used to watch pornographic materials for their sex. So all of those are embedded. So the way to overcome that you now begin to saturate your mind with the word of God. Stop watching garbage. You understand? That’s the only way. Especially for singles. You have no match against visual imagination. Very hard. Guard your purity, please. The best gift you can give to your future husband is your virginity, your purity.

Now, you tell me, Peter it’s too late. I’ve given my purity to some other men in the past. It’s never too late. You know why? Be a spiritual virgin starting today. A spiritual virgin is somebody who makes a commitment, “Lord, from now on, I will guard my purity.” So be a spiritual virgin again.

What struck me about these words, though it is actually about guarding one's purity, was how it says imagination will always overcome will. How true! It applies to all aspect of our lives, not just in guarding our purity. No matter how many times I told myself I'll change, I am always failing whenever I let my active mind wander and think of "what-ifs."

As I have shared previously, my mind is my greatest enemy. And today I learned a valuable and important lesson. Now I understand I have to fill my mind with other thoughts in order to not succumb to my worldly thoughts before they control me.

Now, my prayer is that may I always remember to do just that! Think more like Jesus!

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right,
whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable
—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me,
or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
-Philippians 4:8-9

 

Giving up the Battlefield... Prayer # 3, 2009

Last Saturday I went to my first music ministry practice for the year. The truth is I was once again tempted not to attend at all. Shame on me for thinking that since Mama is still in the hospital, I have a very valid reason not to attend. I can easily claim that I’m in the hospital looking out for my mom. Family is important anyway. But no, thank God for taking charge of my mind today, I was able to fight off that thought and go to CCF.

 

I love going to prompting practices. It clears my mind off its usual clutter and let me focus on singing for the lover of my soul. I love watching my choir mates joke around, teach each other the right tunes and chat away filling in the events of the week to each other. I love hearing the live band practicing the songs. I love the way the drums seem to beat powerfully to my heart, waking me and preparing me to worship. I love how the sounds of the piano keys create the most astoundingly beautiful music for my Lord. Combine that with strumming of guitar strings and one can just marvel at the beauty of it all. But most of all, I love and look forward to my there-you-go moments, where while singing, I can just clearly see the ineptitude of my decisions.

 

I had one of those moments today.

 

So while I was looking at my song sheet and singing softly with the rest of my co ministry members, I suddenly realized the reason why I had a little hatred in my heart towards that one person I supposedly have surrendered to the Lord. Remember how I seem to have forgiven this person and I was able to really go with my every day activities not minding the little pinches in my heart that still exist? Remember how I claimed to be okay and on the road to full recovery? Remember how suddenly ecstatic and content I was to be joyfully single while waiting on the Lord?

 

Over the holidays, the peace in my mind and the stillness of my heart took the backseat. And I became bitter once again remembering what my recent experiences made me feel. I wallowed in self-pity and self-righteousness thinking I didn’t deserve to be treated the way I was treated and convincing myself that I deserve a little revenge to patch up my severely wounded ego.

Now I realize I was wrong. Yes, I may have a right to feel those things but the fact that I have a Big God hovering my entire being I shouldn’t have nursed that hatred and let it consume me. It was like after I surrendered everything to God, I suddenly had a second thought and asked him to give all my concerns back to me.

 

Why did I ever to that?

 

The reason was shown clearly to me today. There are two things that happened why this sudden change in my attitude transpired.

 

First reason: I was not able to really spend time with my Lord during the long break. Yes, it would have been a perfect opportunity to catch up with my bible reading but what did I do? I replaced my quiet times doing worldly things. (Think internet!) I already knew that if even once I break the connection between me and my savior, I am practically screaming “hey satan, do your thing!” I was open for temptation and being the gullible that I am, I can easily be swayed off.

 

Reason #2: This is all Stephenie Meyer’s fault!!! Okay, sorry I am passing on the blame to someone else. Of course, it was entirely my fault. I saturated myself with Edward, Bella, Jacob and the rest of the Twilight Saga gang. Instead of filling my mind with the wonderful promises of the lover of my soul by reading his words, I filled it in with romantic words by reading the twilight saga series.

 

That is actually the catalyst why I am just that – bitter and revengeful. I realized that reading the love story of Edward and Bella reignited the longing in my heart. Something that God is already working on closing gradually which I ripped open and even making it larger by creating an even bigger wound. While I was marveling at the love between Edward and Bella I was also recreating another story in my head. Yes, you knew about it, you read it in my previous blogs. So I began to see myself in the words that I am reading and since my story wasn’t a happy ending like the characters in the book has been, I started living in an alternate world where my mind was filled with the what-should-have-beens in my own love life.

 

I started to forget the lessons I learned the past months. The takeaways I got from reading Joshua Harris’ books and the words I heard from Francis Kong during the BIG 4 retreat were overshadowed by the intensity of my rekindled longing to be cared of and loved by another person. The answer that God gave me almost two months ago and the promises that accompanied that No for an answer faded into a mere memory. So I began to doubt that my Father in heaven knew of my concerns and is actually working on it already.

 

But thank God for his infinite wisdom and faithfulness He did not leave me in this pit of bitterness and rage. Thank God for my there-you-go moment that I started to see the truth. When the Lord impresses something in your heart, He backs it up thru other means that I may not forget easily. How fitting that the following day, during the Sunday service, I would hear of the verse from Ephesians 6:12 where it says that our struggle is not against flesh and blood… but against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Pastor Peter went on to explain that the evil one uses the people dear to us to draw us away from God, to break that connection we have from our savior. But the thing is, these people are just being used as well.

 

I now realized that through my readings of the twilight saga books there was a reawakening of my worldly longings that happened. And out of frustration, I vent all my bitterness and rage towards this person when I should not. My battle is all internal and shouldn’t have been towards someone else. Though yes, it was true I was hurt and stomped upon by this person but the thing is I allowed myself to be put in that situation. All my rage shouldn’t have been existing now. I realized that when I took back my concerns from God, I was allowing more hurt to be inflicted upon myself. But today I realized I had it all wrong. I was already on the road to recovery before I started reading the twilight saga books. I was already holding on to the amazing truth that my happiness is not dependent on another person but on God alone.

 

When I decided to cut off this person from my life, I have to be honest; I did not really pray about it first. I mean, not sincerely. I did pray that the reason I am doing it is because I want to start a fresh new year. But now I see my motivation was still driven by hatred. I suddenly wanted to be in charge and so I concocted schemes on how to recover on my own. Though the plans I did thought off were somehow still valid and effective, I failed to recognize that I really didn’t have to do anything but just pray about it. No need for drastic measures of cutting someone off your life. Because what did that result of? I offended this person and ruined his own conviction to change and be better for God. I unnecessarily dampen his spirit by letting him know that someone like me is seething mad at him. I know if that was me and someone I know doesn’t want to talk to me again then my spirit will be troubled.

 

So now, I am returning this concern back to God. I will no longer do anything from my end. Whatever comes my way, I trust that the Lord is backing me up and is guiding my actions. Even if people around me will chastise me for being too trusting and allowing my vulnerable side to be open again, I guess I don’t care anymore. If that person who I just chose to forgive will keep hurting me, I will not retaliate. It’s between him and God. As for me, I am just going to stand still, wait and put my full trust in His loving arms.

 

“Do not be afraid or discouraged…

For the battle is not yours, but God’s”

- 2 Chronicles 20:15

 

Heavenly Father, thank you for this day and for opening my eyes. I want to come back to you, stripped of all bitterness and hatred in my heart. From this moment on take the wheel from my hands and lead me where you want me to be. Continue changing my heart that I may remain pure from this moment on. I surrender this person to you. Please guard all my actions towards him. Sometimes his audacity irritates me and makes me react negatively. Please help me humble myself more and just treat him amiably at all times. Help me remind myself that my battle is not against this person. Equip me with your words and promises that I will not be easily swayed whenever the great deceiver will put doubts and other thoughts in my mind. All this I pray in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen.

 

This prayer, I again got from Stormie Omartian’s book “The Power of a Praying Woman” and I claim the same plea…

 

Lord, help me to never exchange Your truth for a lie. Where I have accepted a lie as truth, reveal that to me. Help me to clearly discern when it is the enemy who is speaking. I don’t want to think futile and foolish thoughts or give place to thoughts that are not glorifying to You (Romans 1:21). I don’t want to walk according to my own thinking (Isaiah 65:2). I want to bring every thought captive and control my mind.

ER experience... Prayer # 2, 2009

I went home this morning at around 3:30 in the morning to find my mom slumped in a chair, head hang low, body covered in jackets and blankets... While I was out meeting friends, little did I know that mama has been vomiting since midnight. She was alone in the house, helpless with zero load credits and therefore can't reach me nor any of my brothers.

The minute I opened the door and saw her like that, I felt my blood drained from my face. Guilt-stricken is probably the best way to describe me then. Thank God panic did not overcome me and my brain started functioning. First thought that came to mind - is this another heart related illness, remembering in mind mama's medical history that includes a week stay in ICU during my birthday four years back... So quickly I asked her what's ailing her and how bad was it. She said she's feeling very week from throwing up and that the back of her neck down to her right shoulder is troubling her. I rushed to my room, put down the things I was carrying when I came in, dumped all the things in my bag on my bed, grabbed my wallet, phone, keys and dumped them in another bag. Then I went on to the other room, grabbed a jacket for mama and opened up her drawers looking for her health card. Then I told her to wait for me while I hail a taxi and then I'd get her and bring her to the hospital.

While rushing down the stairs I started the communication with my savior. Every step of the way I'm talking to God, asking for His guidance because it's the first time that I am personally bringing mama to the emergency room and I didn't have someone accompanying me. I felt God every minute. I was calm and composed, so to speak.

God then showed how He answers prayer requests. First He made sure we got into the safest taxi He can provide, an MGE cab stopped in front of me. So I told the driver to wait for me while I get my mom and that we're heading to Makati Med. God provided an understanding driver, what else can you expect? I took my sweet time guiding mama down the stairs from our second floor apartment unit. At four in the morning, we breezed through the streets of Makati and reached the hospital in no time. Another blessing from God, the driver was not able to start his meter so when I asked him how much, he told me fifty pesos will do (should have been more considering I made him wait).

Then when I opened the taxi door, immediately the security guard from the ER came to us with wheel chair so mama will not have to walk in her pain. And from there she was taken cared of. I saw God working in all these,  the ease of registering her by just handing the health card to the personnel and I didn't have to answer any questions... the doctors and nurses and radiologist who assisted with her X-Ray and ECG... every thing went well without the need for me to worry on anything. After four X-Ray films, three injections, two blood pressure check-up and examination from the doctors, it was time to go home. Thank God my initial thought of this being another stroke was dispelled from my mind. Though when they first checked her blood pressure, she had a whopping 210/130 result but after just two to three hours there, the doctor who checked her BP again was really amazed it went down to 140/90, without her administering something for the high blood pressure. That was just amazing, Lord!

So after I was given the instructions for mama's medication at home, I went to the billing department and settled her bills. Guess what... I just gave them Mama's name and after a few minutes, I was asked to sign the discharge papers and then they returned to me Mama's health card and we were free to go. Yes, I didn't have to give a single cent to the hospital, thanks to the health card. (I really love working with Chase, this is the third time that mama was hospitalized and I never had to pay the hospital!)

When we got home, I can't stop thanking God that it went well. I just need to buy the medicine and mama will be on her way to recovery. Though sadly it was a chronic neck pain that got her this time. That means it will not be completely healed since some of her veins and muscles in the neck were all clogged up and the doctors said there is no cure yet for those veins to open up so she'll just be under pain killers and after three to five days, should start scheduling sessions with a Physical Therapist...

While I was waiting for Mama during her examination at ER, I texted Jheny to inform her that I rushed mama to the hospital and if she can please pray for her health. When I opened my eyes at around 11am (I finally slept at 9am) I received at least ten text messages from my  CCF family. Looks like Jheny texted everyone informing them of my mom's condition. After I read those messages I just bowed my head and said a simple thank you to my God. Brushing the tears from my eyes, I went out of my room and checked on Mama. She said she's much better though the neck pain is still there. Immediately I changed my clothes so I can go to the drugstore and buy the prescribed medicine. While on board the jeep going to the drug store, I'm talking to God again. Lord, let the cash in my wallet be enough to buy all the medicine she needs so I don't have to use my other remaining credit card (since I kind of swore last week that I will not use my credit card for purchases again).

Of course, you guessed it right. With Mama's senior citizen ID and booklet, I had more than enough in my purse to buy every thing she needs.

My loving Father, thank you very much for your guidance today. I felt you in every single moment of this brief experience of being alone while tending for my mom. Thank you that you showed your magnificence in making sure I didn't have to worry since every thing just worked perfectly right in front of my eyes. Thank you Lord for my dear sister Jheny. She made a way for more prayers to be uttered for my mom. Lord, I know the doctors said it's a chronic illness, meaning no complete healing but I know with you nothing is impossible. I pray and claim complete healing for mama's neck pain. After she's done with her medication, may it not bother her again, Lord. I am forever grateful to you, my loving father.
I am just awed by your loving guidance today.
Even if I was at fault for not coming home earlier, you made sure Mama was fine even if she was all alone in her pain... Lord, I learned a valuable lesson today. May I always remember to make sure that before I go out and have fun with friends, mama should be fully equipped to be able to reach out to me or to any of my brothers in times like this. Not that I'm anticipating that it will happen again... She's not getting any younger and lately have been weaker...
May I just be more sensitive to her needs, Lord.
Thank you in all that you do! Amen.

In everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
- 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Look back then look ahead... Prayer #1, 2009

It's day 1 of year 2009. Hmmmm... smell the air... feel the room... taste the promise of new blessings to come... keep your eyes close and dream!

So it's the new year, huh? Finally bid 2008 good bye and hopefully all the not-so-good-things flushed down the drain as well.

Yesterday I made a list of the things that were included in the "blessings in 2008" category. And that made me feel good. Kind of made me feel like 2008 was pretty much an okay year too (2007 is still my all-time favorite year) despite that freaking heartache I'm still not completely over with. Can I just wish for that entire episode in my life to be just wiped out from my memory so in the years to come I can look back at this 2008 and actually feel real good about it? (if only shift+delete works... hehehe)

Oh, what the heck... it's the new year! I should repel all these negative thoughts out of my mind and really help myself in starting anew.

Guess what I did before the year ends? I decided to cut someone off my life. If only I can really make that person disappear it would have been perfect. Not that I'm nursing hatred in my heart for this person (okay, so maybe a little...) but I just want to protect myself, knowing how gullible I am I'd better take extra precautionary measures. Call it a defense mechanism if you will. I need to detoxify myself of things, persons and events I want to forget (or at least push back the memory at the farthest recesses of my mind so it won't be as vivid whenever I would remember).

Once I read in a magazine that one way to get over a guy is to "He-tox" (detox, gets?). I did that in 2007 when I had my heart broken the first time and I think it helped a lot. The key is to cut all communication channels so even if you get that sudden "i-miss-him-i-want-to-talk-to-him" attacks, you won't because you don't know how to reach out. The next on my list of plan of action is while pushing back the good memories at the back of your mind, try to bring the bad ones right up front. Yes, make sure you remember that one time he told you he is losing interest in you. Freeze that moment in your mind or if you have it on email, make a screen shot and make it your wallpaper so if your mind plays tricks on you and makes you  think like you miss him, open your your laptop and stare on the screen and be reminded, he ditched you and actually had the nerve to tell you that you no longer interest him.

Don't you just love the internet? It's a very powerful tool. In just a click of the button, you'd find out what he did on Christmas day and that should be added to your growing list of just-stab-me-in-the-heart-will-you moments. Hold that thought! Engrave it in your brain! Remember it well and realize it's time to open up your freaking eyes and see the truth as ugly as it is.  

So what do you do when suddenly your traitorous mind replays that one time you spent together looking towards the horizon eagerly sharing your lives with each other? Or that one time he was so irritatingly sweet and thoughtful and he held you in his arms as if he'd protect you even from the slightest harm? Or what about those text messages that greet your eyes when you open them first thing in the morning? What to do? Simple, savor it for a second and then open your window real wide and... jump! Hehehe... just kidding!

One thing I learned from this entire heart-wrenching experience is the knowledge that there is a being ready to catch me whenever I let myself fall. I do get the comfort I need whenever I talk to the lover of my soul. If only I can be in constant communication every single minute with my savior every thing will be fine. But I falter. I stumble. I get stubborn and let myself succumb to the pain and torment of reliving the past. But after a while, when I couldn't bear it anymore then I start to pray... Prayer is a powerful tool, more powerful than the internet definitely. So I just pray and beg God to change my heart... And change his heart too, of course. Ask God to make him realize that I am a human being too and no matter how unladylike I may appear on the outside, I am soft and fragile inside. My mind is my greatest enemy. It works on its own and puts me in agony sometimes when it does that flashback technique and makes me relive memories.

Oh crap, see how my mind wandered and made me write about that heartache again? This blog should have been more upbeat and optimistic since it's day 1 of 2009!

Oh well, can't help it. Admit it or not, that became a big part of my 2008 and I have no choice but just to bear with it until I've fully recovered. But as I said I am just hopeful of the promise that this new year will bring. If I can just stick to the "he-tox" plan, I am bound to be whole again, all patched up and ready to be broken by the next one that comes along.

Here, let me share my prayer for today, for this year... Taken from the book "The Power of a Praying Woman" from Stormie Omartian:

Lord, I pray that you will set me free from my past. Wherever I have made the past my home I pray that You would deliver me, heal me, and redeem me from it. I choose to make my Home with You. Help me to let go of anything I have held onto of my past that has kept me from moving into all You have for me. Enable me to put off all former ways of thinking and feeling and remembering (Ephesians 4:22-24). Give me the mind of Christ so I will be able to understand when I am being controlled by memories of past events.

I don't want to tie myself to the past by neglecting to forgive any person or event associated with it. Help me to forgive what needs to be forgiven. Specifically, I pray that You would deliver me from the effects of my recent heartache. I release my past to You and everyone associated with it so You can restore what has been lost.Everything that was done to me or I have done which causes me pain, I surrender to You. May it no longer torment me or affect what I do this year. Make me glad according to the days in which I have been afflicted and the years I have seen evil (Psalm 90:15). Thank You that You make all things new and You are making me new in every way (Revelation 21:5).

Help me to keep my eyes looking straight ahead and not look back on the former days and old ways of doing things. I know You want to do something new in my life today. Help me to concentrate on where I am to go now and not where I have been. Release me from the past so I can move out of it and into the future You have for me. Amen.

"Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."
- Isaiah 43:18-19

Year End Review :)

It's the last day of the year! Most of the people around the world are doing the last glance on what their 2008 has offered. A trip down the memory lane. I might as well join the wagon and do that to.

So this is the year end review of my life.

Before I start, I just want to thank the Lord for another year under his wings. All the things I did, the feelings I felt, the joy I laughed at, the pictures I posed to, the pictures I took, the food I ate, the money I spent, the hugs I received, the tears I cried, the prayers I uttered, the people I loved, the person I want to hate, the words I used to compose a blog, everything... were made possible because of the lover of my soul. Praise and Glory to my God!

Okay, now let us begin... Let's do a list of all the blessings I got this year!

Digital Review:
* In May, I bought a 160GB external hard drive / media player that allows me to watch my movie/drama/anime downloads from a TV.
* In June, I bought a new point and shoot camera (the red fujifilm) to replace my four years old Sony Cybershot.
* In July, my work assigned me another laptop, the Dell latitude to be with my old, hand-me-down IBM laptop.
* In October, my friend gave me my Sony PSP slim.
* In November, my Apple iPhone celebrate its one year anniversary with me clad with metallic pink casing this time to party with my equally metallic pink PSP (hehehe).
* Latest acquisition just in Dec 24... my all-time favorite gadget of the year... My new
baby Canon 1000d SLR (aka Candy.. hehe).

Geographical Review:
New Places I visited:
* Caramoan, Camarines Sur (August)
* CWC, Camarines Sur (August)
* Bohol (November)
* Lago de Oro, Batangas (October)

Places I revisited:
* Boracay (August)
* Chateau Royale, Batangas (December)
* Tagaytay (multiple trips in the fourth quarter of this year)
* Laguna

Hotels and Resorts I stayed at:
* Shangri-La Hotel (Eloisa's birthday)
* Astoria (Karen's birthday)
* Tirona Hotel (Tagaytay, with RFS IT gang)
* Alona Beach Resort (Bohol)
* Shenna's Resort (Boracay)
* Rex Inn (Caramoan)
* CWC Container Vans (Cam-sur)
* Salazar Private Pools (Pansol, Laguna)

Best Coffee Shop:
* Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf at Bonifacio High Street

Social-Life Review:
Friends I had to say goodbye for a while to because they are working elsewhere in the globe:
* Eloisa (Singapore)
* Faye (Singapore)
* Karen (Dubai)

Friends we said welcome back for visiting us this year:
* JayAnn (from Australia)
* Eloisa (from Singapore)
* Vanessa (from Dubai)
* Cathy (from Canada)
* Faye (from Singapore)
* Macky (from Dubai)

New Friends I got close to this year:
* Ayie, Cicelle, Ryan, Carl, B1, Eric, Cyrus, Jinky (new travel-mates... hehehe)
* Verna (kapalit ni Karen... hehehe)
* Twiti (ni Joan... hahaha)

Prayer / Accountability Partners:
* Jheny, Coney, Ate Rona
* Ms My
* Charly

Events and Celebrations:
* Joseph the Dreamer Musical at CCF (March)
* Hillsong United Concert (May)
* Kitchie Nadal free Concert at UCM (May)
* Tommy Walker Concert (May)
* JayAnn-Rancel Wedding (June)
* Cinderella Musical (August)
* BIG 4 Singles Retreat (December)
* CCF Christmas Cantata (December)
* Six Christmas Parties! (December)
* Rhea-Sonny Wedding (December)

New networks I joined in:
* Facebook
* Wordpress
* LinkedIn

Intellectual Review (hehehe):
Books I read (that I still remember):
* I kissed dating goodbye (Joshua Harris)
* Boy Meets Girl (Joshua Harris)
* Not even a Hint (Joshua Harris)
* What to do until love finds you (Michelle McKinney Hammond)
* Joyfully Single (Harold Sala)
* What matters most for women (Devotional)
* Really Bad Girls of the Bible (Liz Curtis Higgs)
* The Power of a Praying Woman (Stormie Omartian)
* When God writes your love story (Eric and Leslie Ludy)
* Twilight (Stephenie Meyer)
* New Moon (Stephenie Meyer)
* Eclipse (Stephenie Meyer)
* Breaking Dawn (Stephenie Meyer)

New things I learned (and re-learned):
* Basic Japanese (continuation from last year)
* Basic Photography (okay, super teeny weeny basic.. haha.. what I got lang from online)
* How to reformat a laptop (hehehe :P)
* How to post in website using html
* Understanding imbeciles (wahahaha)
* How to be an imbecile (bwahahaha)

Things I haven't done before that I did this year:
* Wakeboard (in Camsur and Lago)
* Rock Climbing (in Caramoan)
* Parasailing (in Boracay)
* Paintball (in The Fort :P)
* Get hooked in Photography (like actually taking decent pictures rather than just posing in front of the camera like the previous years)
* Participate in 2K walk for Unicef Fun Run
* Join choir in back up for Tommy Walker (CCF, June)
* Volunteer as transcriber for CCF
* Cruise Manila Bay while watching Pyrolympics and having dinner (May)
* Cut my hair really short! (and cut it every now and then)
* Cut my Citibank credit card (literally)

Other Milestones:
* Promotion in July, transfer to RFS IT
* Moved to a new apartment

Songs consistently on my playlist:
* Thank You - The Katinas
* Sweetly Broken - Jeremy Camp
* I Can Only Imagine - Mercy Me
* I Still Believe - Jeremy Camp
* Who Am I - Casting Crowns
* Indescribable - Chris Tomlin
* Breathe - The Katinas
* Tonight - FM Static
* Code - Nishikido Ryo

Hmmm... have I covered everything? Any other category I might have missed? I'll think some more and will update if I remember something :) Or if you remember something I did, we did, or any milestone for this year, let me know, leave a comment so it can be added here! Hehehe!

But... looking at this current list now... I just have to say... I've been abundantly blessed!

Thank you to all the people I shared these moments with. I couldn't have asked for a better company.

And of course, Thank you Lord for all these!

Please bless us more in 2009!

'But I can't fight with an eclipse'

I just finished book 3 of the Twilight Saga, "Eclipse." I started reading it on the 24th but it was exceptionally hard for me to finish, compared to the previous two books. Though it was really a great story and I think the best of the series so far, there were a lot of moments where I just needed to take a break from reading. I mean even if sleepiness hasn't taken it's toll on me yet, I simply chose to put the book down at times because I can again see myself in the pages, in Jacob's point of view. It became painful sometimes seeing myself, hearing myself and reading myself in Jacob's dialogues in the book.

(Warning for those who hasn't read and will read the Book, stop reading right now...)

The story goes that when Edward left Bella in Book 2, it was Jacob that became her constant companion. They became friends and were inseparable. It was apparent immediately that Jacob will eventually fall for Bella and he did. Now, either Bella was too stupid not to realize that her new "best friend" was in love with her or she simply chose to ignore that and enjoy all the benefits she got from that friendship with Jacob.

In Book 3, Jacob unashamedly admitted to Bella that he was in fact in love with her. Bella insisted that she loves Jacob too, but not in love with him. She does not want to stop seeing Jacob and wants to continue being friends with him even if Edward is back and of course, Edward loves her dearly. In short, she was enjoying the best of both worlds.

When I was reading Book 2, I told my friends I didn't like Jacob for Bella. Of course, I wanted Edward with his cold, stoic and protective presence to be the one who'll be with Bella in the end. And though reading Book 3 made me empathize with Jacob completely, I still think Edward should be with Bella.

Now, here's the thing, as I said I can see myself in Jacob's eyes. If you've been reading my blogs, you've been to my innermost, honest and raw emotions. Now let me tell you the real story behind those feelings.

To put it simply, I became a "Jacob" just recently to a "Bella". (Of course, that Bella is a representation of this guy I met and "Edward" is the representation of his ex) I became too close for comfort with that one guy and slowly I started to give him pieces of myself. We had it going for a while. I thought he was already falling for me too... heck, he actually started to tell me he's already falling for me too. And I believed him. Then I guess this guy's "Edward" came back. Actually I don't think she left at all, she has always been there but looks like my "Bella's" feelings for "Edward" started to come back during the time when I started to fall intensely for him. Heard of the word "rebound?" Yeah, that's merely what I've become to my "Bella.

So it has been painfully hard for me seeing "Bella" treating me just a friend. As if we didn't share anything at all in those few fleeting weeks, even months we did spend. Like Jacob, I didn't mind being there even if "Edward" is back. I was ready and had preconditioned my mind that I am just a friend. And believe me, I tried my hardest to be just that. But to make matters worst, I started to see the changes in "Bella." He stopped caring altogether as if he just pulled out the plug of his so-called "feelings" for me. But he still talks to me, alright. My eyes lit up whenever I'd see a text or chat window opening up with his messages. So eagerly I'd respond and give him what he wants. However, just recently I begin to realize, the only times that he'd initiate a conversation with me is only when he has a question, if there is something that I can give him in return. Where was the friendly conversation between friends where you ask each other of things just to be informed, instead of to be serviced? Without putting up a fight, sometimes I'd initiate a conversation and tell him how my day went... but it was just not the same. Truly, as he candidly told me anyway, I am no longer of interest to him. And I felt that.

I should have stopped talking to him to preserve the little dignity I have left. But no, and indeed like "Bella" this guy would always come to me if there is something he needs that I can help him with. And the imbecile that I am, I always come running even if he'd just wag his finger at me... It seems that I can't say no to whatever he needs... my time... my expertise... everything is his for the taking. He either conveniently forgot that I once confessed of my feelings for him or he chose to ignore and just enjoy the benefits that comes with our friendship.

For a time I didn't mind. Or I chose not to mind. I was thinking it's better to pretend that I am okay as friends than lose him altogether. Like a puppy needing his master's attention and approval, I was just there... whenever I am needed. Though at the back of my mind, there is a conclusion already that he really didn't have the "feelings" for me the way I was led to believe. I believe I have even given up the hope of a future together. But these things you can't just shove under the table and forget in the morning. I still haven't moved on completely.

So reading a few lines in this book made me realize my own stupidity. Here, let me again quote Stephenie Meyer's descriptive writing....

(Jacob talking to Bella)
   "No, I don't. You decide, Bella. You can have me the way I am - bad behavior included - or not at all."
   I stared at him, frustrated. "That's mean."
   "So are you."
   That pulled me up short, and I took an involuntary step back. He was right. If I wasn't mean - and greedy, too - I would tell him I didn't want to be friends and walk away. It was wrong to try to keep my friend when that would hurt him. I didn't know what I was doing here, but I was suddenly sure that it wasn't good."

** This scene made me want to scream at my own "Bella" and say keeping me for a friend is hurting me! Why won't you just leave altogether? Don't you know that it is wrong to try to keep a friend when that would hurt her?

(Edward talking to Bella)
   "He knew what he was doing."
   "Do you think that matters?" I was blinking back tears, and this was easy to hear in my voice. "Do you think I care whether it's fair or whether he was adequately warned? I'm hurting him. Every time I turn around, I'm hurting him again." My voice was getting louder, more hysterical. "I'm a hideous person."

** This one made me wish he'd really turn into a Bella and have same realization she had. Every time he turns around (whatever he does now) is hurting me again.

(Jacob talking to Bella)
   "No." Jacob shook his head. "I'm exactly right for you, Bella. It would have been effortless for us - comfortable, easy as breathing. I was the natural path your life would have taken..." He stared into space for a moment, and I waited. "If the world was the way it was supposed to be, if there were no monsters and no magic..."

** And this scene, is what I would envision in my fantasy on what I will tell my Bella. "It would have been effortless for us..."

Reading this book is like reading the outcome of this episode in my life. Bella will try to talk to Jacob and soften the blow of rejection but in the end, Bella and Edward will get married. That leaves Jacob running into the woods, wanting to forget Bella, wishing to forget the memories and hoping to forget himself, who he has become with Bella.

Since the year is coming to an end, I realized, I should do as Jacob did... Sulk a little, cry in anguish some more, but run into the woods and just let go. Somehow I wish my Bella will just vanish. Or at least, stop treating me like a freaking friend because no matter how many times I told myself that I am okay with that set up, I'm simply not! My emotions are as erratic as the heart of someone having a heart attack. I am not a computer that can reformat its hard drive and reboot myself and start with a clean slate. I am a living being who has a heart that feels, a mind that thinks and a pair of eyes that cry.

So to my Bella, if by any stroke of luck you chanced upon this page and is actually reading this blog and has even come to this part, my plea is this: Leave me alone for now and let me suffer in silence. Us being friends will not work out. It's been months that I tried to put up that farce and look at me now, still blogging about these damn feelings. Go where you are happy the most and if that is not with me, then leave me alone. You are just hurting me whenever you act like a good friend. Of course I am appreciative of all that you've done but let's leave it at that as we leave this year behind us. Let me finally pick up the broken pieces of my shattered dream without you hovering like a brother because with every broken piece that I pick up, I drop two whenever you'd come to me. You have to do it. Get away from me. Because I sure can't get away from you. You know you just need to ask and I'd come. So please stop using me.

   "He's like a drug for you, Bella." His voice was still gentle, not at all critical. "I see that you can't live without him now. It's too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun."
   The corner of my mouth turned up in a wistful half-smile. "I used to think of you that way, you know. Like the sun. My personal sun. You balanced out the clouds nicely for me."
   He sighed. "The clouds I can handle. But I can't fight with an eclipse."

So many things to do... So little time...

It's the fifth day of my first ever long holiday vacation since I started working. Imagine... No work, no stepping into the office, no seeing office mates, no responding to emails from December 24 until January 4. Waaaaaaahhh!!! What do you do??

Before this long break started, I was kind of collating things I can do while on sabbatical. Thinking that I will be off-line for almost two weeks (I didn't know yet Ryan will lend me his Weroam then) I started collecting books that I can read while at home. Among the books I got were the following:
 * Book 3 of Twilight Saga: Eclipse
 * Book 4 of Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn
 * When God writes your love story
 * God allows U turn for women

Then I asked Ate Rona for a transcription assignment that I can do during this break (oh well actually it was due even before the break, now that I think about it! Waaaaa!!! This should be my top priority tomorrow). The thing is, when she assigned it to me I was about to start when she needed some transcription done urgently. So I volunteered to do it and guess what I did it in three days. Wow! That is a record breaking time for me. Hahaha.. Considering I always turn over my transcription assignment at least after a week. (Just FYI, this assignment is where some of the messages from CCF sessions are transcribed by volunteers. That means typing the message while listening to the mp3 file.)

Thinking those two (reading and transcribing) aren't enough to fill in the holidays, I got myself my new baby (Ok, I'm sorry I started calling my new Canon 1000D dSLR as "baby"... hehehe.. trip-tripan lang yan! :P). Guess that means more task since I need to familiarize myself with my new baby and have to get a crash course in digital photography.

These three are what I considered my big to do's for these glorious days off from work.

Now the even bigger question is... have I accomplished anything yet??

I just realized, I'm on my fifth day and I still haven't checked off even one from this list. All are half-baked! I'm half way through reading Edward and Bella's love story in the book three, I'm also half way reading Eric and Leslie's love story in the other book and I've read about ten pages in the last book on my list... I'm on my second page in my transcription assignment, that means about 7minutes have been transcribed already and the whole session assignment to me is about one hour and 40 minutes long. Huhuhu... Still a very long way! And last, I've flipped through the manual of my new baby but haven't really mastered the dials in the body of the camera! I've watched a handful of tutorial videos online about digital photography but those are still not enough.

Waaaaahhhh!!! So many things to do and so little time!

So why am I now suddenly stuck with a lot of things to do? Blame it on Ryan's weroam! Hahaha :) Actually, yes, that is partly true. Since I got this free, wireless internet connection I was online almost every single minute (unless I'm out of the house, of course!). So instead of reading, I'm writing blogs... Instead of transcribing, I'm online chatting with friends... instead of studying the manual for my new baby, I watch the instructional videos but am immediately side tracked with updating my network accounts online.

But the biggest reasons for this great distraction with my carefully planned things-to-do-while-on-sabbatical-days are... none other than... my family and friends! :) Not that I am complaining. Actually those are better use of my time than my carefully laid out plans.

As you've probably seen, I posted the wedding album of Rhea and Sonny. So that is already one entire day lost! Hehehe... But I didn't mind because I love dressing up... Love having my hair done... Love posing in pictures... Love eating good food in weddings... Love socializing with friends... and most of all, I love using my new baby! I got to test her hands-on and though I used only the pre-available settings, I loved clicking that shutter button! Hahaha! Happiness! (Okay, it just donned on me that I am now referring to my dslr as "her"... Guess I better give her a name too, what do you think? Hahaha! Crazy!)

Actually the main contributor to my lost times doing my to-do's is the other biggest reason, my family! I've spent more quality time with my family these five days compared to our usual interaction for a regular month. I've shared meals with my mom, brothers, in-laws, niece more frequently these past days than I did last month. I had a dinner with them at home, at Gerry's Grill and a lunch/merienda at Pizza Hut just today.

So who's complaining? I. Am. Not. I realized I loved every single second I spent with them. I missed my big brothers! I missed showing off to them. I missed listening to their voices. I missed their ghastly table manners. I missed them. Period. Now that they have families of their own and are living far from home, I no longer see them for weeks, even months. It's quieter now at home so I welcome any day that I will see either of my big brothers now. Guess I am no longer the little princess in the house. They each have their queens now. Who needs a bratty, spoiled, feeling-princess sister? :)

So I still have one week remaining. There is indeed so many things to do and so little time! But the important thing I learned... It's better to let those carefully laid out plans go to waste than do them diligently but miss one of the most important things in the world: spending quality time with those you love most.

Therefore... Go now!

Text your mom. Call your dad. Schedule a dinner with your siblings. Don't miss the bonding.

I said...

Go. Now!

"Desperate for you..."

Sometimes it’s hard to convince one’s self that everything is alright.

I’ve been through this road before. It’s a vicious cycle. Like a wheel that keeps turning and I am once again hitting the bottom.

If you are the wheel and rotates on its own without any outside force and you realize your heart is once again stuck at the bottom… How do you coerce yourself to rotate once more so you will be at the top again instead of the ground?

Or how do you just stop the wheel from turning when you are at the top so it doesn’t go round and let your heart graze the ground?

Imagine your heart on one part of the wheel and how hard and painful it feels when you as the wheel turns and your heart comes crashing to the ground… your soft, vulnerable and pulsating heart comes brushing skin to skin with the rough surface of the ground… The ground consists of teeny tiny rocks coupled with the hard dirty soil and a few sharp objects protruding from the ground. Every movement is like a needle piercing through your delicate heart. The force of the friction sometimes numbs the area but when it moves again and resurfaced to clean fresh air, the impact of the thousand needles you endured comes full force. Without your consent, it starts to bleed and without your control you can’t stop the blood from gushing from the once again opened wounds…

How graphic. And dramatic.

But that’s what I think I am feeling just now.

For weeks I’ve been enjoying the ride at the top. I was okay. I was even happy. I thought wounds have healed. I thought emotions are stronger. I thought my mind has been preconditioned already to endure the few little pinches in my heart.

But then I hit the bottom again today and there you go. Tears threaten to fall once more.

For a few minutes I battled internally to convince my mind and my heart that I am okay. I was trying my best to do the famous “mind over matter” exercise. I talked and laughed with colleagues. I chatted with my trusted friend. However, knowing that I’m on the brink of breaking down, I mustered enough courage to kid her and ask “Pwede ba mag pa heart transplant?” But pretending to joke around when the heavy emotion is lurking from behind does not work well so then next I told her was a plea... "Please pray for me. Now."

And then I just snapped. Without control whatsoever I just bowed my head down and prayed to God and talked to myself. “Lord please let this stop! Be still my heart! Stop reacting to things you see and have no rights of…”

“Stop…”

I tried so much to block the negative and heavy feeling in my heart so I put on my earphones and looked for a familiar and comforting song in my playlist.  And I settled on this song, “Breathe” by the Katinas

This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence
Living in me

This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word
Spoken to me

And I, I’m desperate for you
And I, I’m lost with out you

By the time the words of this song seep into my heart I was already crying softly and uncontrollably in my seat. I just can’t believe I faltered again and forgot that I only need the lover of my soul in my life.

I want to be like that… desperate and lost without the lover of my soul…

When you are in that state of mind, no matter how deep the agony is, they all just take the backseat and the Lord’s mercy and loving kindness is just magnified.

And yes, that made me whole again.

For now.

I don’t know how long will I enjoy this ride at the top again. How I wish I am just stuck in the bliss of knowing that the lover of my life is the most important being.

But I am just human after all and sometimes (or oftentimes in my case), am overpowered by the intensity of the heavy emotions and I succumb to the pain…

Thank God for His faithfulness and He brings me right back to where I should be… in His loving and comforting arms.

My comfort in my suffering is this:
Your promise preserves my life.
- Psalm 119:50

on rejection...

I am in the middle of the 2nd Twilight Saga book, “New Moon” and a single paragraph caught my eye that I can’t help but blog about it. Here it goes:

I’d cried myself to sleep over this boy. His harsh rejection had punched a painful new hole in what was left of my chest. He’d left a new nightmare behind him, like an infection in a sore – the insult after the injury. And now he was here in my room, smirking at me as if none of that had passed. Worse than that, even though his arrival had been noisy and awkward, it reminded me of when Edward used to sneak in through my window at night, and the reminder picked viciously at the unhealed wounds.

 

Certain words from this paragraph scream to me like how an alcohol spray paints to an open surgery… words such as “cried” “harsh rejection” “painful new hole” “new nightmare” “insult” “smirking”… Aaarrrgghhh… Opens up an array of memories come playing in my mind like a distorted film playing a scene over and over.

 

How do you put a stop to it?

 

Then I remember one scene from the very first chapter of this book... So I flipped through those pages again and re-read the following lines:

 

“Bella I don’t want you to come with me.” He spoke the words slowly and precisely, his cold eyes on my face, watching as I absorbed what he was really saying.

 

There was a pause as I repeated the words in my head a few times, sifting through them for their real intent.

 

“You… don’t… want me?” I tried out the words, confused by the way they sounded, placed in that order.

 

“No.”

 

I stared, uncomprehending, into his eyes. He stared back without apology. His eyes were like topaz – hard and clear and very deep. I felt like I could see into them for miles and miles, yet nowhere in their bottomless depths could I see a contradiction to the word he’d spoken.

“Well, that changes things.” I was surprised by how calm and reasonable my voice sounded. It must be because I was so numb. I couldn’t realize what he was telling me. It still didn’t make any sense.

 

Reading those words was like a bucket of cold water being splattered right to my face. The realization on the harshness of rejection… Bella took it calmly. She said she was surprised but then again it must be because of the numbness…

 

I had my fair share on rejection. I used to kid around saying that no amount of rejection will ever make me feel like I am the tiniest person on earth. I thought I’ve endured all I possibly can in the realm of rejection. I used to say “I had a very thorough lesson in rejection last year.”

 

But who was I conclude that?

 

I recently had another encounter with this unwelcome feeling. Like Bella, I believe I took it calmly. I wasn’t hysterical. I shrugged it off and “moved on.” But reading these words from this book opens up the unhealed wound that I tried so hard to pretend does not exist.

But it’s still there, you know, lurking in the darkness, hidden in the shadows, buried in the ground.

 

What hurts the most in being rejected? Is it the slashed ego? The humiliation? I’d say it’s the realization that you aren’t good enough.

 

“You’re not good for me, Bella.” He turned his earlier words around, and so I had no argument. How well I knew that I wasn’t good enough for him.

 

“Not good enough.” “Not interesting enough. “Not pretty enough.”

 

Aw!

 

Sometimes I hate myself when I realize how stupidity results in having memories such as these. If I am in my logical mood, and thinking things through, I can see where in the series of events did I stumble and where did I become susceptible to harm. But most often than not, I don’t recognize it until it’s over and I’ve been stumped upon.

 

Is it my fault that I am too trusting, that I am too eager to please and that I am such a simpleton that I can’t say No?  

 

Yes, I admit those are my faults without any excuses.

 

Aaarrrgggghhhh… It is such a complicated and agonizing world we live in.

 

But thanks to words like these in the book, when presented in black and white, makes you see the reality in its ugliness. It makes you realize how it hurts like hell to be rejected. But then you realize another thing. Compared to the first lesson in rejection, this time I am way composed than before. I am handling it better than the first. I am stronger now than the last time.

 

Or

 

I am just way too numb now to really tell the difference.