missing life...

I can't believe another work week has passed. How time flies..
In 5 months I'll be celebrating my 4 years with Chase.
In 6 weeks I'll be celebrating my one year with RFS IT.
In 28 days I'll be moving to another office location (Hello Net Plaza!)
In 2-3 days, I'll cease to be a homeless person and move to our new apartment.
In 1 week, I'll be remembering the day I almost lost my mom two months back.
In 1 month, 2009 will be halfway done.
So how have I been? It's a little quiet in the horizon and I guess my thoughts wanted to be heard and so here I am writing again...
Somehow I am filled with melancholic air today. I am missing a lot of things! Can I just rant and rant and rant...
1. I miss shopping.
2. I miss going to the movies.
3. I miss dressing up and dining out. (Yup, yun parang date lang! hehehe)
4. I miss going to the spa.
5. I miss having my nails done.
6. I MISS HAVING MY HAIR DONE! (Huhuhu, tagal ko ng bad hair day!)
7. I miss eating bulalo at Leslie's Tagaytay (Tara na Mimi at Becha...)
8. I miss my dad's callos.
9. I miss my mom's siomai.
10. I miss my brother's cooking.
11. I miss the beach.
12. I miss reading a good book.
13. I miss going to Coco with HR.
14. I miss Lindt's hazelnut chocolate.
15. I miss my PSP (Kuya, kelan mo sosoli sakin yan?! hehehe)
16. I miss waking up and not worrying about bills.
17. I miss drinking kurrant. :P
18. I miss the airport crowd (which means I miss flying! Hehehe)
19. I miss Candy
20. I miss listening to Pachelbel's Canon
21. I miss watching a japanese soap.
22. I miss Grey's anatomy.
23. I miss being legal.
24. I miss pistachio ice cream.
25. I miss my designer bags.
But the truth of the matter is... something big is missing. I know exactly what it is but I've been turning a blind eye towards it and it's just now that I am bravely accepting the fact that...
What I really miss is...
I miss going to choir and prompting practices in CCF! I miss my quiet time. I miss my sisters. I miss my church. I miss my God. Period.
But there goes in someone's life that because of circumstances, you choose to just isolate yourself from things and because of the length of absence, somehow you wake up one morning and realize you've detached yourself too deep and now find it hard to go back to your previous activities that not too long ago were regularly in your calendar.
So, tell me how do I go back?

muffled life

Earlier today I chided someone that he has not been visiting my multiply site lately. He said there are no updates anyway. I said well, my life issues has subsided and it's quieter now.
Is it?
Well, after the episode with my mom, the humbling experience of raising funds to pay the hospital bills, the great move out day from our apartment, the on-going two weeks homeless period, the challenging officemate, the humongous work load...
I guess that's enough to drain my entire being and thus made me succumb into this stillness, albeit floating, feeling lately. It's a little like losing one's self.
But the truth of the matter is, despite all those, I have been surprisingly happy lately. I wish I could just blurt out to the world why. But I guess some things are better left cherished in isolation. Just sit back, relax and see the world unfold right in front of your very eyes.
I guess at this point I just want to say, in my stillness, I still breathe. Life still goes on. In quietness, I choose to marvel at the greatness of how the Lord has been that despite my iniquities He still decided I can go on existing in this life.
I've stopped doing some of the things I have been doing.We need that at times. Especially when you are in the crossroad of reorganizing your life. Amazing how an event turns your world upside down and makes you review, revisit, remake your life.
Anyone will be at a loss for words to blog about.
But life is still treating me well. Someone is making me smile. My mom has been attending CCF for three consecutive Sundays now. We still eat three times a day. I still pray.
I'd be an ingrate to ask for anything more than that.

So, thank you Lord for this stillness.

An Ode to My Mother

This has to be the best Mother's day celebration that I've had for my mom. Aside from the obvious reason that she is now living a second life by my Father above... Guess what? She went to attend a Sunday service with me at CCF. Actually since she was discharged from the hospital, this is the second time that she attended the 3pm service with me.

I just couldn't be happier.

Today's message at church says if the love of the Lord is in you, you wanted to tell everyone because God's love is so great that when you receive it there is nothing left to do but give it away, share it and spread it.

The love that I received from the lover of my soul is so great and magnificent and I wanted everyone to taste the difference of having a personal and intimate relationship with Him. For my friends who doesn't share the same Faith that I have for the lover of my soul whom I invite once in a while to attend Sunday services, retreats and other church events, please note that I only wanted to share with you the intense joy I have in my heart because of the God I serve.

I've been asking Mama to attend with me at CCF for the longest time. Once in a while she'd say yes, mostly because I will be singing at the stage. She went to attend the first Cantata I did for CCF in December 2007 and a few Sundays where I was part of the choir singing back-up during worship service. But these two Sundays, she attended with me. We were both worshippers and I just can't deny the different joy it made me feel to worship the Lord with the persons you love most.

At the end of the day, that's my ultimate dream. To worship my one perfect king with my entire family, friends and everyone I know.

Anyway, let me tell you about the woman who carried me in her womb for nine months.

She isn't perfect. She did not go to college, did not go to work to earn a living for us, left me and my brothers to my dad when they separated...

...but she is the type of mom who humbled herself and gave up her four children to the man she married but left her to make sure that her children gets the best education that she will not be able to afford.
...she's the woman who waits in the school gate for hours so she can spend a few hours with her baby girl (ako yun) after school.
...she's the mother who does not scold her children in front of other people
...she's the type who did not question me when I came home crying one day (when my ex left me). Instead, she went inside my room quietly and seeing me still crying in my bed, she just lay beside me and hugged me real tight.
...when she sensed that I am in a bad mood, she will leave me to cool down before she initiates a conversation so we don't clash.
...she did not lash out to my brother when she read the letter my kuya left inside her bible telling her he impregnated his girlfriend. Instead, she offered her full support and took care of the baby when she came out.
...when she was in the hospital, she still took the time to ask about the laundry, if I still have clothes to wear for work, if my brother eats, if her mom has money to eat
...when she found out how much the bill was running in the hospital and that I was asking all my friends for help, she grabbed my hands and said sorry her sickness is putting me to such an ordeal.
...she's always in a cheerful mood and her friends who visited in the hospital, most I haven't seen in a long time, all said that my mom's presence puts a smile in their faces.
...like a kid, she will joke around and laughs to joke as easily as I do (I guess I got that from her)

In short, like most moms, she does nothing but gives as much as she can; loves as fiercely as she could; and cares as deeply as she could.

Someday she will leave me with no wealth to pass on, no magnificent jewelries to give away, no house and lot titles to transfer to her children. But her greatest legacy that I will never forget is that she loves silently, bears our worries and just simply made me the person that I am today, because of how she took care of me.

In our household, we aren't the showy and emotional people. I guess that's why I can write effectively because I rarely say my emotions out loud.

But recently, due to the recent happening in my mom's life, I learned to tell her I love her so much. I started to pray for her, beside her, instead of just praying for her in the isolation of my own room. And today at the church service, when Pastor Bong asked all the moms to get up, I held my mom's hands as hard as I could as I lay my other hand on her shoulder and prayed with Pastor Bong thanking God for the mothers given to us. It was a special prayer for me as I finally understood the severity of how my mom took care of me and my brothers and knowing I almost lost her, I can't stop the tears from falling as I thank God even more that finally I am worshiping with my mom.

Nothing beats that. I just couldn't be happier right now.

"Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
- Proverbs 31:29-30