It still surprises me how people can just change overnight. That cliche has always been at the top of my head but when it happens, it just leaves one dumbfounded on how things really does that... change...
And the funny thing is I am just amazed on how fast I changed. Me. Moi. Watashi.
If you have been reading my blogs you'd have noticed the change since February. I stopped blogging on my thoughts, my fears, my victories, my relationship with the lover of my soul... Simply because I think I ceased to think and feel...
Work has always been a popular excuse. Though it's really true because I think my boss is driving me crazy sometimes... But there is just something that died within me that made me lost my passion.
I am not proud of what I've been the past few weeks. I've been missing choir practices, have been late attending if I did come to practice, I've stopped coming to dawnwatch, I've opened my new bible only twice since I got it in January, I've not attended dgroup for the longest time, I stopped playing hillsongs in my itunes and the worst thing I did... I stopped praying... And the scariest thing was that I was aware of these things and yet I didn't do anything about it.
Yes, there were feeble attempts on my part to regain that fire within me, the passion I once had in serving the Lord. I said to myself I will start reading the bible again and I even took an assignment from Ate Rona to transcribe. But so far, I haven't succeeded in both.
But the Lord has always been faithful. He has His own way of taking you back. Even if you sometimes feel like you are not worthy to come back, nothing you do will ever make the Lord give up on you. We are that important.
Let me share what happened last week.
Last Saturday, I was supposed to do three important things: 1. Witness Jheny's baptism. 2. Attend Choir Practice at 2pm. 3. Attend FMM practice at 7pm.
I didn't do any of those things. Instead, I was out getting drunk. I had to be frank and admit I was enjoying my time taking those shots! I couldn't stop giggling, alcohol had that effect on me.
But God in His infinite wisdom started to work in taking me back. During those dark moments, I did not even text those people I promised to meet but did not. Out of shame, I did not even inform my choirmates nor our ministry head that I wasn't planning to join. I was thinking I'm just one insignificant person. Who'd notice?
God did. And so did these people I neglected. Since Saturday afternoon I've been receiving text messages from them asking what happened to me, why am I not attending the practice. Jheny (I just thank and praise God for you), did not give up on me. Even if I totally missed attending her baptism she didn't even harbor any ill-feelings. She just kept trying to reach out to me.
But I was still sulking in my own dark world. I have not been replying and I did not even attend the Sunday service! Though that night I started to reply to them.
Monday came and Jheny still tried her best to take me back. She texted me, asking me to join a bs that night. It was actually Marty who invited us. I almost didn't want to join because I had a deadline at work that night but I guess out of guilt since I didn't come to Jheny's baptism, I said yes.
So I joined. And I just have to say... I actually missed the fellowship. I felt God working in me then. Whatever came over me to stop thinking about Him for the past few weeks have started to break. Though I'm not fully back in track, the way I've been before this coldness settled in my heart, I'm on my way to getting there.
Today, I had lunch with Ate Rona. My faithful discipler, whom I know have been praying for me all the while. I just thank and praise God for you as well. For reaching out to me and understanding my shortcomings. I told her what has been happening lately and she just listened and told me I just have to remember the lessons I learned during this period.
What indeed did I learn these past few weeks?
1. Spiritual dryness happens to everyone. No matter how deeply rooted you think you are in God's word... Even if you are constantly in touch with your fellow believers... More so even if you offer your time in His ministry... Spiritual dryness happens. We'd have to be watchful at all times.
2. Ate Rona pointed this out today: We might be nibbling on things that are not necessarily bad or evil... But we might not notice that these things that are supposedly not bad, might just slowly but surely eat up our time and make us spend less and less time with God.
3. It's different to be involved in a group, in a ministry. The best thing that I learned from all this, I think, is that when you give yourself to a dgroup or a ministry, you really become a part of their family. In such that when something happens to you, they will take notice... and take action. I learned first hand what "accountability" means.
4. Just a renewed realization that indeed my God is a Faithful God. Think of the story of the lost sheep. He'd really do something to look out for that sheep. In this experience, I feel like that... a sheep.
There are still some more lessons I've bagged from all this, but those are the big ones.
Indeed, changes do happen. But thank God for second chances.
